alalalalala

life is good today. and yesterday.

i thought i'd share that b/c it's so easy to just bitch and complain.

it's my guy's birthday.

i have work for a while, so i don't need to freak out about $

the sun is out

i made a new contact that could help me out in my career

it's summertime in vancouver... isn't this what i came here for?

i need to spend more time recounting things i'm thankful for.

however, i think that venting on paper or via blog can also be a healthy release.

a little of this, a little of that.

the internet is for porn

what has happened to our imagination. what has happened to just finding something sexy because we're turned on by it... not because someone else has told us it's appealing. why do we let the media form our opinions and desires.

is it so bad to step away from it and admit that this is fucked up?

i have nothing against sex. or watching sex, or gay sex or straight sex or threesomes or orgies or whatever whatever. have sex... it's fun and exciting!

but how about some originality? how about something real?

just because something is socially acceptable doesn't mean it's a good thing.

we need to clear the sexual slate and open our minds a little.

that's just how i feel.

unfortunately the world is mostly small minded.

i live for the exceptions.

we meet again

i really thought i wouldn't come back here - but i always say that. almost made it a whole year without blogging...10 months? anyhoo - i avoid blogging at times for fear of being discovered. or worry that i'm sharing my secrets with strangers and not with the people closest to me. i'm in a relationship now. a good relationship. one that i want to keep. i worry that the discovery of this blog could cause some complications...

anyhoo, i'm a little rusty. i want to start on some new writing projects. i figure if i start blogging here and there, my creative juices may start flowing in the right direction.

i want to make something from my trip to honduras. i keep writing and reading and walking away and then trying to rediscover what that was, what i wanted to share... i feel a bit stuck. i'm in a city that doesn't feel like home, living with a boy who does feel like home - so i survive... but the rest is pretty ho-hum. great in moments, but not familiar. not toronto. and i won't move back, because i'm following that gut instinct i had... try to follow through.

i'm trying to do something here. if you want something done, you have to do it yourself. the older i get, and the more others rely on me, the harder it is to take risks. especially when your partner in crime is terrified of risks. so what do you do? push. i try to push.

as per usual, my first blog back is a ramble. more for myself really.

how will i keep myself as myself. how does one retain their youth and inner magic. why is love such an amazing drug, but also a trap of sorts.... i wouldn't trade it, but how does my independent self survive within it??

it's sunny. i should go outside and enjoy being alive. maybe something will come to me.

who cares?

this town.
beautiful, nice weather, easy living.
people - pretty boring.
as a whole...

i'm trying to ramp up a little enthusiasm for our local Pride events.
one... maybe two of my hetero friends seems to give a shit.

after spending 3 weeks in Toronto, i'm finding it hard to bother trying to be social here.
aside from my bf and a couple friends (whom i only see for occasional coffee dates) not many people seem to have any depth of character.

harsh? maybe. probably...
but after hand picking wonderful friends over 10 years - friends who've completely enriched my life - it's hard to make small talk with people who are more passionate about speed boats than human rights.

i want art, i want opinion, i want compassion, i want empathy, i want intelligence, i want social awareness, i want adventure, i want comedy and ridiculousness.

but i fear becoming a hermit during my last 6-12 months and so i really need to make an effort.

sigh...

nerves

i'm nervous.
i have a show opening in 2 days.
a show i wrote, a show i'm in.
a show i've done before in toronto and new york.
a show i've done well with.

this is a new version.
expectations are climbing now that the show has some experience.

and i feel unprepared.
i'm freaked out.
i'm nervous.
i need to shake it off.

i'm also turning 30 in just over a week.
maybe this has something to do with it.
i feel like i need to be more accomplished at this age....
that is, in fact, what the play is kind of about.

ironic.

this should be easy, if i let it be.

time for some meditation in preparation!!!

writers block...again

trying to rewrite and rewrite and rewrite.

always stuck on the ending.

so i've come here for self research, and realize my blog circle has completely changed.


maybe time for a fresh blog start??

exhaling

sleep has been had.
could use more, but perspective has been gained.

i think 2 important ingredients for not being a self-involved jerk are 1) thankfulness and 2) perspective.