alalalalala

life is good today. and yesterday.

i thought i'd share that b/c it's so easy to just bitch and complain.

it's my guy's birthday.

i have work for a while, so i don't need to freak out about $

the sun is out

i made a new contact that could help me out in my career

it's summertime in vancouver... isn't this what i came here for?

i need to spend more time recounting things i'm thankful for.

however, i think that venting on paper or via blog can also be a healthy release.

a little of this, a little of that.

the internet is for porn

what has happened to our imagination. what has happened to just finding something sexy because we're turned on by it... not because someone else has told us it's appealing. why do we let the media form our opinions and desires.

is it so bad to step away from it and admit that this is fucked up?

i have nothing against sex. or watching sex, or gay sex or straight sex or threesomes or orgies or whatever whatever. have sex... it's fun and exciting!

but how about some originality? how about something real?

just because something is socially acceptable doesn't mean it's a good thing.

we need to clear the sexual slate and open our minds a little.

that's just how i feel.

unfortunately the world is mostly small minded.

i live for the exceptions.

we meet again

i really thought i wouldn't come back here - but i always say that. almost made it a whole year without blogging...10 months? anyhoo - i avoid blogging at times for fear of being discovered. or worry that i'm sharing my secrets with strangers and not with the people closest to me. i'm in a relationship now. a good relationship. one that i want to keep. i worry that the discovery of this blog could cause some complications...

anyhoo, i'm a little rusty. i want to start on some new writing projects. i figure if i start blogging here and there, my creative juices may start flowing in the right direction.

i want to make something from my trip to honduras. i keep writing and reading and walking away and then trying to rediscover what that was, what i wanted to share... i feel a bit stuck. i'm in a city that doesn't feel like home, living with a boy who does feel like home - so i survive... but the rest is pretty ho-hum. great in moments, but not familiar. not toronto. and i won't move back, because i'm following that gut instinct i had... try to follow through.

i'm trying to do something here. if you want something done, you have to do it yourself. the older i get, and the more others rely on me, the harder it is to take risks. especially when your partner in crime is terrified of risks. so what do you do? push. i try to push.

as per usual, my first blog back is a ramble. more for myself really.

how will i keep myself as myself. how does one retain their youth and inner magic. why is love such an amazing drug, but also a trap of sorts.... i wouldn't trade it, but how does my independent self survive within it??

it's sunny. i should go outside and enjoy being alive. maybe something will come to me.

who cares?

this town.
beautiful, nice weather, easy living.
people - pretty boring.
as a whole...

i'm trying to ramp up a little enthusiasm for our local Pride events.
one... maybe two of my hetero friends seems to give a shit.

after spending 3 weeks in Toronto, i'm finding it hard to bother trying to be social here.
aside from my bf and a couple friends (whom i only see for occasional coffee dates) not many people seem to have any depth of character.

harsh? maybe. probably...
but after hand picking wonderful friends over 10 years - friends who've completely enriched my life - it's hard to make small talk with people who are more passionate about speed boats than human rights.

i want art, i want opinion, i want compassion, i want empathy, i want intelligence, i want social awareness, i want adventure, i want comedy and ridiculousness.

but i fear becoming a hermit during my last 6-12 months and so i really need to make an effort.

sigh...

nerves

i'm nervous.
i have a show opening in 2 days.
a show i wrote, a show i'm in.
a show i've done before in toronto and new york.
a show i've done well with.

this is a new version.
expectations are climbing now that the show has some experience.

and i feel unprepared.
i'm freaked out.
i'm nervous.
i need to shake it off.

i'm also turning 30 in just over a week.
maybe this has something to do with it.
i feel like i need to be more accomplished at this age....
that is, in fact, what the play is kind of about.

ironic.

this should be easy, if i let it be.

time for some meditation in preparation!!!

writers block...again

trying to rewrite and rewrite and rewrite.

always stuck on the ending.

so i've come here for self research, and realize my blog circle has completely changed.


maybe time for a fresh blog start??

exhaling

sleep has been had.
could use more, but perspective has been gained.

i think 2 important ingredients for not being a self-involved jerk are 1) thankfulness and 2) perspective.

spam, sleep, nostalgia

what is going on with the spam in my comment box.
not cool.
blogs should be sacred.

on a different note... i haven't blogged in a while.
i'm so busy i've barely had time to come up for air.
i'm tired. but it's good, i suppose.

personal projects seem to be on a very good path.
relationship is great... but part-time due to busy-ness.

and i'm leaving for new york in less than 3 weeks!!
i am excited. but i'm also totally overwhelmed.

i'd like an entire day in bed. watching t.v. slopping around.

i miss my friends. i really miss my friends. being back in my home town is good, but it's weird.
too many memories from 10-12 years ago.
constant dreams about people from highschool.
when will i adjust and just be in the present??

dating someone who's older brother i went to grad with 12 years ago... and then some... is just fine, except when i'm constantly traipsing through my old stomping grounds - making memories jump up at me far too often.

it's like one of those dreams where everyone is there, but not... and with a twist... and it's sort of lonely, because the friends you had aren't your friends anymore... and the friends you have aren't here.

i think sleep may be the only solution to my problem.

oh, the ramble. i should have probably saved this one for the journal.
anyhoo. i hope some of you are still reading this. i really miss the crap out of you guys.

too good

if something seems too good to be true, it probably is...

i need to stop thinking like this.
i'm waiting for the ball to drop and smash into a million little pieces.

the boy. every time i see him he amazes me by something he does or says in complete sincerity.
when i'm not with him, i try not to listen to the little voice telling me that i don't deserve this, and sooner or later he'll figure that out...

but that's stupid right!
i really have to let go of all my past mistakes. i think i've paid my debt already... at least, i hope so.

it's as if life is all starting to drop into place for me... and, granted, i'm working/have worked my ass off for it....

it's just.... usually my efforts are 80% futile.
the career i've chosen
my extremely ideal ideals
the non-compromising life i've imagined

now, 2010 has rolled around... and it looks incredible. my only complaint (which i can't really complain about, b/c it's my own fault) is financial.
but other than that...
i've met the most amazing boy,
i'll be performing my own play in nyc AND toronto,
i'm taking a week off to go to mexico after nyc,
i've lost 20lbs in one year (granted, i was a bit of a fatty when i came back from honduras),
i have more local support for my endeavors than i thought would be possible in a small city,
i have somehow found 80% of the balanced life that i was searching for a couple of years ago when i decided to eff out of toronto and follow my heart.... and it's been a rocky as hell road

so am i here? have i managed to climb up and get to the top of those steps?? have i broken through the next barrier?

i remember, 2007, i felt that i had finally gotten my foot in the door... after 3 1/2 years of trudging through shit. and then i needed to reassess and figure out what was next.
maybe this year i'll walk through the next door.
maybe.

i just hope there isn't such a thing as "too good to be true" ... b/c there sure as hell isn't such a thing as "too bad to be true".

missed chances

it's weird when someone gets hurt... it's because of you, but it's their own doing.

one can't help but feeling responsible.

i guess it's my turn to be happy and move forward. i didn't miss my chance this time.
however, when i think of it... i've almost always purposely missed my 'chance' in the past.

i hope i'm right in thinking that maybe what i was waiting for actually does exist...

no one is reading this

i think i'm in love.
ok. now go ahead and laugh at me.
i don't care.

frick

1) what is up with dudes?
2) why do i care!!?

bah!! all drama no substance.
nothing is simple.

vanity

god i hate it when friends post unattractive pics of me on facebook.
what is up with that?
i don't do that to my friends... i don't think.

oh vanity.
feeling attractive can really make or break a day/night/week/month...
the worst is when you think you look good, but then see pics of yourself after the fact that don't support that thought.
just kills it.

bah.
i should just be thankful that i have all my necessary body parts and don't weigh 300+ pounds.
perspective and emotions really do not go hand in hand.

a moment alone

after a crazy busy week of work and squeezed in social time - i finally have an entire evening alone.
with my thoughts.
and overtired emotions.
not always fun... but necessary for the self check-in.

i've finally started to profess happiness here. in my home town.
i have a life. some friends that i've actually chosen. work. family. projects.
it's not my ideal. it's not where i see myself. it's temporary.
lately, it's been nice. i've been happy for at least a month straight... which, to be honest, is a big deal.
i don't know how long this will last.
taking a moment to pause... and being out the other end of my relationship that didn't quite begin... i worry that i'm losing myself.

nostalgia kicks in.
all the amazing things i've experienced. the person i was. the friends who are all way too far away.
i came home to refuel. reboot. get my feet back under me. get some perspective.
it feels like i'm half way there.

i'm trying not to be impatient.
i feel like my trip to nyc in feb will be like a big smack in the face for me. i don't know how i'm going to be able to come back here after that.
or maybe it'll suck.
it's still so far away.
and i'm not at all prepared... better get on that.

it's just... the people here... even the theatre people...they don't get me. they don't get it. they might love theatre, but they don't live life as a theatre artist. they might have been in a thousand plays... but never created even 5 minutes of something original... something that involves risk.
if i stay here - i'm not going to find people who get it. i have to go to a city... you can't have what it is i want in a place this small.
i get some of what i want.
i get my outdoors.
i get more sunshine.
i get family and health and convenience.
i get the use of cars, i sleep in a beautiful house, i don't have financial burdens.

but i miss my city life. not every day. but right now. the ability to walk outside at night and actually be somewhere.

i tend to believe in 'meant to be' and 'things happening for a reason'. i wonder if the reason my boy 'friends' and i are nothing more than that is because i can't risk attaching myself to this place... eventually waking up one day, and realizing that i've lost the best part of me.

i've still got it.
but i'm at moderate risk.

and i'm totally regretting committing to the community theatre play i'm in... or barely in... i should say.
this is not the theatre life i signed up for. but i can't back out now. or can i..... nope. eff.

well... long ramble could go on and on for ever... but i'll save that for my journals.

i'd better get busy, or i'll keep thinking way too much.

in the blink of an eye...

i'm back to being "just friends" with my friend.
(my celebate friend... by the way...)
bam.
that was quick.
but it goes with my theme of no compromise... i suppose...
two days ago i felt like shit about my lack of relationship potential,
yesterday i felt fine...
today i feel like life is as it should be.
it just makes sense.
it feels easy.

maybe it's b/c part of me senses he isn't truly what i want.
maybe it's b/c there's another new friend in the picture that has sparked my interest.
maybe it's b/c i'm way too busy right now to let anything register.
maybe it's b/c friends have always lasted longer for me than boyfriends.

in any case.
back to 100% single.
i feel.... relief....

aside from the fact that i will never get laid again.

i'd better go for a jog.

the terror of heartbreak

so i'm in. but not fully. just sitting on the edge of it.
casual.
everything is cool. nothing's set in stone.
no expectations.
no committments.
no sense of security.
just one day at a time.
i don't know if i can deal with this.
it will start to hurt eventually.

and so i self protect by picking out the negatives and looking at my other options.

who cares?
not me.
look out for number one.

it always comes back to cute boys.

so i have a big sloppy crush on my cute boy who's a friend.
and we totally hooked up this past weekend.
now we're friends who make out.
and text each other a thousand times a day.
it's disgusting, actually.
like princess-alathariel/eg vomit worthy.

i feel oddly calm about this...

could this actually be a good thing???

i'm waiting for it all to go to shit/me to have a freak out session in 10...9...8...7....

dear princess a

your cookie is functionally disabled.
this is not a put down in any way shape or form.
or some sort of sexual reference.
haha

i just can't access your blog.

fix please!!

silent blogging

sooo.... i'm feeling as though the rest of this blog circle has effed off somewhere. that's fine. just fine... the cheese stands alone. i can deal.
so what's new.
awesomeness. still working that angle. not bad, not bad.
i am no longer in any stupid confusing boy situations - however i have sworn off any and all office boys or similar. for absolutely real this time. it's not even appealing to me in the least anymore.

in other news - i'm getting my old feet back under me. i'm going to NYC in feb/march. oh yes... and not only am i going, but i'm doing a play there. my play. that i wrote. why? because i'm awesome.
i'm also going to s#!t my pants. seriously. holy F%$k. what the hell am i doing?
i expect you all to come and say i'm amazing even if i'm not.
thanks.
also am finally putting together a cabaret out here. who knows how that'll go. it could be the biggest community theatre/highschool talent styles gong show, or it could be amazingness.

eff it. that's my motto. kind of like nike's 'just do it' ... but with inappropriate language.

what else.
i've made a couple new friends. boys/men.... or boys2men... and i'm mariah carey.... um. what?
one of whom i sort of think i probably might kindof sorta have a crush on. but he's in post breakup period.... not available.... i'm restraining myself. for the sake of no compromises/awesomeness. friends. i like friends.

frickin dudes. it always comes back to it.

c'est la vie.

i still miss my artsy fartsy gaytime buddies.
visit me.
xo
or at least comment on my blog so i feel like i'm special.
thanks.

awesomeness

this is my new theme.
and hence, i've decided it's appropriate to blog about it... seeing as i've been less than awesome by leaving my blog empty for a very long time.

i had an "aha!" moment two weekends ago when visiting beautiful victoria b.c.
hanging out with cousins.
staying on a stranger's hide-a-bed.
the stranger was a friend of my cousin. it turns out he's also friends with an elementary school crush of mine whom i've put up on a pedestal since i can remember.

and i thought "why have i put this guy up on a pedestal of awesomeness, when i am just as awesome as he is?"
so it began.
start living up to my potential... and moreover, don't make excuses or dumb down awesomeness that already exists in me.

it's more an attitude than anything else.
yes, i'm getting some more things done.
i've added some goals to my list.
but in general, it's a state of mind.

awesomeness.

i encourage you to try it.