not so bad

so things are looking up.
i spent the weekend alone up at my parents cottage. very nice.
i think i have a plan!

i'm going to give this town a chance. living at home means i am free to leave without worry.
i can visit toronto - which i will once or twice this year.
i can work in different cities for bits of time... like for theatre (eg. fringe and summerstock)
i have time to write.
and it looks like i'll have dayjob work - horray money!

also - i'm going to apply for a writing grant... fingers crossed! and look into a vancouver agent (see if they'll rep me long distance)

the biggest ingredient i need is patience. which i'm getting better at.
i still need some friends (local friends), which will hopefully come with time. sex life would also be nice before i get old and my assets are hanging on the ground.... sex in kelowna? does this happen? to be determined....

anyhoo... i can't complain about the living situation, the cottage access and vehicle access (i feel spiritually at one with the vw camper van... it's such a hippy dippy independence vehicle).
plus, if the vw van holds out - i may be road tripping to mexico this summer for my sister's wedding... oh yeah.

whatever

ug.
i feel like i should blog now or i'll never blog again.
my motivation switch is broken.
i do stuff. stuff i should do. but more b/c i know it's the thing to do.
like call re: jobs. look up theatre companies on line. go to pilates.

i feel like i'm hiding out in my hometown. and it's like the last 10 years of my life didn't happen. there's no evidence of it anywhere.
that freaks me out.
what was i working so hard for again?? what do i have to show for it?

and how did i turn 28? when did that happen?
i find myself checking out boys that are way too young for me... it's as if i think i'm still their age - and guys my age.... well, there are no straight single guys my age. there aren't even guys my age in general. i think someone had them all killed when i turned 23.

i have these goals. that i could write down on paper. but if i do that then i'll have to do something about them. and that gives me anxiety. so i dont.
one day at a time.

i feel like a foreiner in my own country. i just don't understand what everyone gets so worked up about. i don't get why the things that are important to people here are important.
maybe i'll phase out of it.
maybe it's just reverse culture shock.
or maybe i'm just using that as an excuse to be wishy washy.

that's so not like me.
balls to the wall.

i just have to wait til january passes.... then i might impress myself...

i'm a b.c. girl

i'm back.
i'm living with mom and dad.
for at least 6 months.
um. what?
yes. that's right.
i'm a winner.
first prize.

living the life of luxury with the parents.
good times, noodle salad.

so far so good.
it's been 2 days.

oh, and i have my cat back.
the fattest fatty cat. he's had an exciting social life while i've been away... and has been ridiculously spoiled.
i figure he has the right idea. i'm joining him.
although, both of us need to go on a diet.

i'm dreading all the people i'll have to tell the same schpeal to re: my trip away and what i'm doing with my life now.
i think i should just have a newsletter. i always feel like i'm explaining myself to people.
it's exhausting.
also - watching all the world vision commercials on my parents big screen t.v.
as alanis would say... isn't it ironic?

i miss my toronto friends. i'll visit. and you should all come visit me and stay with my parents and we can drink good wine and participate in mountain snow sports. or just drink good wine. but the mountain snow sports include ogling cute australian boys up at the ski hill.
take your pick.

i predict a mental break down in just under a month.
3-2-1 take off!

blather

i´m in tourist town with 24 hours to go b4 coming back to canada. i think there might be a little sun. i think i´ll go to the beach. i think i hate tourists and people who spend all their money on designer clothes, resorts, weird souvenirs and snorkelling tours.
i think i don´t know how to function in society.
i hate the idea of christmas shopping.
but i have to christmas shop or else i´m an asshole.
so i´ll buy stuff that other people don´t really need.
and spend too much $ on it because i´m in tourist town.

i thought my experiences away would kill my superficial desires and insecurities. they haven´t. but now i just feel more guilty for having them.
i´ll get over it.
i hope.

what i´m really thinking

dudes! i haven´t blogged in way too long. on my real blog, that is.

i´m just spent. time is not exactly so much available these days.
but... only 10 days left here, then 16 days of travel to cancun, then back to mom and dad´s place.
for an indefinite time period.
still thinking maybe living at home would be smart, financially speaking, if the agency can´t take me back.
i´ll hold off on making a decision there.
although, moving back home at age 28 may make me want to slit my eyeballs open just a little. so maybe it´ll be toronto and debt afterall.

side note: re: rugby player who posted me all over facebook. he still lets me know about the other girls he´s interested in so wtf. seriously. just fall madly in love with me already so i can decide i was actually only into you b-c you weren´t into me and i can reject you.
god.
don´t boys know anything??

in the meantime, i let my standards slide and hooked up with a short stalky british guy who was breaking up with his gf. but he had a good sense of humour (can´t believe i just said that). and left the country 2 days later. thankfully. a definite not-so-attractive-fling requirement.

oh to be back in canada. i just can´t wait to get back and be socially isolated for preaching against materialism and capitalism and make people feel shitty for doing their christmas shopping at walmart. whoo hoo! happy holidays!

not so bad

my faith has been partially restored after a visit from the board of directors.
basically they all think the 'director' is a huge problem.
so hopefully things might change for these kids.
in the meantime.... i inquired about adoption.
it's just a thought.
and it would take 3-4 years possibly.
i just feel so bad for these kids.

on a different note - i booked a flight home to kelowna for mid december. so i'll leave the orphanage at the end of november.
one month left.
heading home to a shitty economy. yeehaa!! hopefully i'll still have a job.

ps. i held a monkey. it loved me. i loved it. we loved. it was goodtimes.

some observations

1. i have lice. again.
2. i live in an orphanage.
3. i realized the other day that i´ve had sex a total of 5 times in the year 2008. five.
4. i have no money. i´m in debt for an organization i don´t believe in.
5. i´m going to go buy a frosty to make it all better for about 10 minutes.

feeling a little more sane?

i think i´m going to come back to toronto in the new year.
i finally have a plan a.
plan a is good. much better than 50 plan b´s
i´m not going to adopt a 3 yr old.
i have no money and i still have my things i want to do...
but i know it´s something i may want to do some day... so i feel like i have a reason to try to make-save money and maybe be slightly more of a responsible adult.
only slightly.
i´m having a crazy adventure in nicaragua. i´ve prolonged my vacation another week. i´m avoiding the orphanage.
i still dont want to go back. i do and i dont.
i wish i could just come and go as i pleased... instead of being jailed there.
i will survive.
just like the song.
i´m singing it right now in my head.
and you are too.
haha.

one great thing about central america is the romantic tunes cd´s from the 70´s and 80´s that are always playing in restaurants and busses.
good times.
one can always count on ´total eclipse of the heart´or ´take my breath away´to put a smile on one´s face.

blahdee dah.

i´m getting ready to get my life back. i miss it. two more months to go...

the inevitable

i´ve changed.
that´s certain.
how could i not after this past 4 months.

the question is, how much?
i think i´ll discover that when i get home.
i´m a bit freaked out by this idea.

i´m still the same person - but maybe i´ve just shed some layers.
i prefer to think of it that way.

insane thought

i´m thinking about adopting a 3 yr old.
i haven´t told anyone but stranger traveler people i´ve met on the road.
but.
it´s not actually allowed.
can´t take kids out of honduras.
however,
i´m still going to do some inquiring.

this probably won´t happen.
but i´m thinking about it.
i´m projecting into the possible future in my head.

how weird is that.
who am i??

seat of my pants

i´m saved after spending an afternoon, eve and morning with only $2 to my name.
bailed out by dad.
what the hell would i do without my family?
i feel like a codependant retard.
i´m 28 years old. shouldnt i be an adult by now?
i´m getting lines on my face.
i´m having issues with the idea of ageing.

the last night i was in costa rica i had a regrettable hookup.
nice guy, but i wasnt attracted.... just sort of went along with it b-c i was super excessively drunk. didn´t go all the way along with it though. thank god.
but i hate that feeling the next day when you´re having those semi gross flashbacks.
ah... just like college.

i´m in a beach town now.
but with no sun and no friends.
but i have some money.
thank god.
actually, thank dad.

i feel like staying away and never going back to the orphanage. is that bad?? or just going back to visit.
i´ll go back.

i don´t know what the hell i´m doing with my life.
what´s all this free-spirit bullshit. why can i not just be content with normal.
i keep thinking there´s something bigger for me. like some grand purpose.
maybe i´m just a crazy wanderer.
who the f knows.

sorry for the ramble.
i need food.

i miss you friends.

balls

fuck.
i just need to swear and beat someone up a little.
why the f do people not do their job when it´s their job?
why the f would someone start an organization without the ability or funds to run it?
why would someone think it´s okay for a kid to only have a non functioning toilet full of shit, but make sure they got to go to a pool or get candy once a week?
why is the head of this organization such a dip shit?
why do i have to pay more to live in an orphanage where i do tripple the work as when i was living at a house?

i need to get drunk.
balls.
this organization makes me so mad.

and re: spilling secrets of the mormon guy?
basically questioning religion, identity and sexuality.
the usual.
totally what i predicted.
step up to artsmonkey´s councelling couch-hammock.

hey!

now you guys are making me feel bad.
like some lame single late twenties loser who´s just obsessed with anyone i meet. i do have standards.
and he´s not a bible thumper.
he´s christian. there´s a difference. and not right wing either.
just young.
and gone.
and not probably quite right for me in the reality of what my life outside of a volunteer house in honduras would be.
but still.

i do feel more sex should have been had though.
what a waste.

i moved into the orphanage a week ago.
new scene.
i actually like it.
and my roommate is a blast and we can talk about sex and masterbation and swear and be highly inappropriate and it´s great.

i think what i needed here was a friend. and not a friend-crush.

and a new guy lives at the volunteer house now.
20yr old tree planter university student guitar player from thunder bay.
totally odd and funny and unappologetic and canadian. sort of vince vaughn like.
a needed addition to the other slightly uptight people there.

funnily enough it´s the 20yr old mormon guy who i´ll stay up til 2am talking to.
he´s already shared extreme personal information with me.
i think he´s majorly questioning who he is.
he likes talking to me b-c i don´t judge him.
i´m like a psuedo counsellor.

good times.
anyhoo.
that´s what´s new with me.

of course

so of course we had sex.
but we were totally drunk and a teensy bit high.
i barely remember how it even started.
i think it was just like an explosion of tension and frustration on both ends.

and then the next day...
acted like it didn´t even happen.
yep.
21years old. right. i forgot.

so totally awkward all day going for a hike with another volunteer and her bf.

finally at the end of the day i said something.
i said i didn´t know what to say.
so he said. so don´t.
so don´t.
nice.
so i said are we cool.
we´re cool.
21yrs old.
right.

and now he´s gone. and i don´t know if i miss him or just the idea of someone who could be completely perfect for me in every possible way.
except for being 21 (nearly 22... but still) and finishing his last year at college as captain of the rugby team.

he left his teeshirt on the line.
i try not to be obsessed with it.

what the hell....

seriously??

so we´re going to this jungle river lodge to meet up with another volunteer and her bf.
but they don´t have dorm beds available.
all that´s available is a shared private room.
one bed.
really?
this is getting out of hand.

this place is warping me....

i'm exhausted.
i've doubled up on jobs - actually more like trippled up - trying to fill in for volunteers who've left - and it's exhausting.
also learned that the head of the organization i'm working for (whose incompetant in most ways) may be a pedophile.
stellar.
not jumping to conclusions yet though.

and i've been living with boy for 2 weeks alone.
we're friends.
i don't think i'm even female to him.
or i'm just soooo very old that i don't count.
i might as well be a chair for all he's concerned.
but we're friends.
fantastic.

could you put your shirt on while your being friends with me then?
and not be so attractive?
i don't know if i'm attracted b/c he shows absolutely no interest and i want to be in the game, or i'm actually interested.
there have been those moments of 'what do you mean by that' and 'do you realize what the hell you're saying' in my head.
too many.
i feel like i'm in highschool and have a crush on my male friend who is constantly talking about 'girls'.
it's all very highschool... or first year university... one of the two.
like a movie staring hillary duff.
ridiculousness.

i really have to stop thinking about it.
he leaves in less than a week and i'll be living with ugly people.
the way it should be.

also - like this is really a huge problem.... there are children starving in the world...
like next door.
nice.
my sense of humour has become really twisted.
for example, he and i think we should start a game where the first person to see a dead animal gets points.
cats and dogs are low.
cows and horses are high.

creepy and disgusting.
but what do you do?

inappropriate things to do:

bible study with out a shirt.
talk incessantly about other volunteer girl while not wearing shirt.
become super extra good friends with me.
without wearing said shirt.

i'm going to die.

lice, lonliness and forbidden fruit.

so. i have lice. lice. so so sexy.´
it was bound to happen.

i went to utila a week and a half ago.
bliss.
met up with the karate instructor volunteer from ny, a swim instructor volunteer from ireland, and a cool girl volunteer from colorado.
i enjoyed being sandwiched between two well defined boys in a kayak.
will this happen again? probably not.

my french canadian roommie has decreased her meds and is starting to get on my nerves. the bluntness i once found refreshing is now more like rudeness that makes me want to punch her in the face.
just a little.

but she´s leaving on saturday.
so are the dutch couple.

so then it will just be me and the boy who just arrived two days ago.
alone.
for 15 days until more show up.

the boy who just arrived:
guessing he´s about 21.
a 6 ft tall rugby player from alabama. with the lats of a rock climber.
devout christian but without being preachy in any way.
and drinks like a college boy when given the opportunity.
much to attractive for my comfort levels.
i woke up this morning and walked into the main room to find him sweeping the floors shirtless.
after this he sat down to do some bible study.
i feel like he just walked out of some christian soap opera.

is this a test? wtf.

i´m fascinated.
just look. don´t touch.

i still don´t have a friend here.
a complete friend that i can sit and talk and talk and talk to.
i´m waiting.

i have to go do groceries and buy lice shampoo.
my life is so glamourous.... is that how you spell that??

swearing, sex and friendship

so after an emotional breakdown on monday i'm feeling a little better about life.
it's still f-ed up here, but i'm feeling a little more proactive about it.
my roommates are all leaving in 2-3 weeks, new ones will move in.
this will leave me with three roommates. all age 20. two very sheltered mormons from utah.

i am going to have to start stalking the volunteers working and living elsewhere who seem like my kind of people.

i haven't been able to say my usual raunchy expressions and have someone appreciate it for what it is.
i long for a potty mouthed friend.

i could also handle some of the opposite sex.
like yesterday.
the people who are getting laid here seem to have a much rosier outlook in general.

what a concept.

volunteers

i live with 6 other volunteers.
2 are young girls of 19 and 20.
one is a 25 yr old guy, who´s pretty cute, but a slight bit ego centric and is f-ing the 19 year old, which makes him act slightly like a cocky bastard.
one is a french canadian girls who´s 32, she´s a modern dancer and artsy and bluntly honest and passionate and i love her.
unfortunately she´s leaving first.
but the others will be leaving a few days after her.
two others are a couple from holland who seem nice, will be here for 4 weeks, but i don´t know them b-c they just got here.

after that there will be 2 cousins from utah, me, and i think a couple of guys... eventually..... not quite sure.
oh, and the termites that build tubes that hang from my ceiling... totally gross.

there´s a volunteer that works at one of the other locations (a location i´ll be working at once a week eventually) who´s a karate instructor-personal trainer from new york. hot.
but i havent really met him yet.

things to look forward to? who knows.
i´ve gotten over my swedish boy. until he facebook messages me again, of course....

and that´s that.
life is different here.
i feel like i may be getting a tad more serious, or something. or boring. i feel like i´m becoming boring.
that´s okay though.
i think i may just be in shock.

adios for now.

timewasting ramble

so i'm waiting five million hours for my photos to upload.... right now... 7% complete... i think that took about 15 minutes.... this is going to cost me.
ah well.
the ameobas in my intestines seem to have died. i'm actually making solid poo now. sorry if that grosses you out, but it's been my most important accomplishment this week. you'll understand if you ever get ameoba's in your intestines. grossest most unpleasant/painful thing ever.
i'm out of guatemala. yay! i thought guatemala would be my favorite. but there was this f/ed up energy there. i don't know that i can explain. i think it was all the poser hippie types and druggie partiers pretending to be all alternative and cool. really just a hangout for losers who are trying to escape their lives.
sorry if that sounds harsh, but i've become judgemental of many backpackers. it seems to be a travelling party/escape trip for so many. i can't relate. maybe i'm getting old. i dunno. but it pisses me off when i'm seeing so much poverty and corruption and then these slacker packpacking stoners just plop their useless asses down in some beautiful place, work in some bar and pretend to be artists or hippies or something. it's borderline infuriating(sp?).
maybe i've just been travelling alone too long.

change subject....
my swedish travel buddy of 5 days in mexico who has the gf.... wrote this big ass message on my wall..... ended with an xoxo.... um... what!? and now i'm being all excited and girly about it.
what is wrong with me!!! he has a girlfriend!!! but... i think all is not well on that front.
bah.
i think i have a crush on him.... well duh.
and he's totally just using me as his me-and-my-girlfriend-are-having-a-conflict-so-i'm-going-to-distract-myself-with-the-canadian-girl person.
i think i need to get a crush on someone who has a crush back.
but i'll be entering a land of mormons soon.... not going to date a mormon. too many issues there...

tomorrow i go to the volunteer house.
i'll be starting my volunteering in a couple of days. it's already here. and i'm finally ready for it.
i was soooo not ready for it, but after feeling like i was going to die alone in guatemala.... i'm pretty ready.
bring it on.

roller coaster

my moods are insane lately. im hyper emotional. im getting super excited and inspired, then sad and lonely, then pissed off.
round and round i go.
i dont feel like public blogging so often b/c its starting to feel like a chore.
uploading photos takes a million years.
and im not in any of my photos.... well, barely.
im pissed off that im only fluent in english.
some days i feel like i can understand most things and communicate well.
other days, like when my french roommate doesnt want to speak to me in english, but wont speak to me simply in spanish, i feel like a complete moron who deserves to be hung for all the shitty things white people, english people and uni lingual people across the globe have ever done to anyone else.
theres no place to go for a jog in this place, so im starting to feel squishy.
there are occasional familiar faces i run into, but no one like my friends back home.
this computer is a ball sucking hell machine with fucked up punctuation that makes me appear like a delinquent in emails. it also lacks spell check.
im sure that in a couple hours i will be feeling elated and inspired again, but right now im just panicky b/c i dont have a plan.
but i dont want a plan.
im also wondering why i totally blew off my perfectly good onenighter in escondido when i could have probably said "hey, i had a good time, lets meet up in san cristobal and have mad sex in our own hotel room" . ... instead i bolted after the act, and upon running into him the next day simply said "bon voyage" when he said he was leaving that afternoon.
im a freak.
oh well.
i feel a bit better after this blog.
maybe ill write on my travel blog later.
maybe.
i just wish i didnt feel like i had to or people would get annoyed.
disappearing seems like it might be fun.

reality

so... sitting in a hostel is not exactly the best place to write personal blogs, but f it.
i'm not inspired to write on my public blog... where i'm an upstanding citizen, off to help children in honduras... there are times for that.
this is not that time.
not after crashing into backpacker party central.
not after a one night stand with an aussie surfer. ("check")
not after developing a semi weird crush on a swede with a girlfriend.... well, not a crush exactly... more like a pseudo relationship that lasted 5 days without any sex.
strange.
more on that later.

it's like i've had a taste of moving away from home for the first time again.... the novelty of the parties and the boys pretty much have already worn off in less than a week... where as in university it took a little while longer...
but there are similarites.

this backpacking alone thing is a roller coaster.
meeting people... then becoming fast friends... then saying goodbye.
not really bothering to keep in touch, b-c what's the point.

i miss my real friends.
i miss talking shit and telling every little detail without worry of judgement.
i miss you guys.

i think once i'm in honduras i'll at least be able to develop relationships for longer than a day or two...

it's good though.
i think i may be starting to shed some of my protective layers.

5 days

i'm leaving everything in 5 days... or 6? well, close enough.
i was going to sell my second guitar today to a stranger.
we made the meeting.
he offered cash.
i walked out of my apartment, guitar in hand.
the guitar that was my mom's.
the guitar my first boyfriend taught me to play on.
the guitar that is slightly out of tune.
the guitar i never play anymore.

i couldn't do it.
i walked half way to starbucks where we were to meet.
stopped in the street, looked at the guitar, turned around and went home.
cried.

i've sold my furnature, my bike, my cd's, my tv, my dvd player.
i've given away my clothes, my dishes...
i just couldn't bear to part with one more thing.

at least not today.

i'm feeling like a bit of a spaz.
but i wouldn't have forgiven myself for selling that guitar to a stranger.

sometimes things are important.

it's going to be alright

so i'm feeling better.
less freaked.
less annoyed.
more excited.
whew.
maybe it's the 'when harry met sally' that i indulged in.
maybe it's the bottle of red.
maybe it's the funtime collage i made (yay).

it's something.
i leave in one month.
crazy times.
i told my agency.... no guarantee's that they'll take me upon my return... but that's okay. i don't know if i will return.
but no jumping to conclusions. one step at a time.

my parents are going to take my cat while i'm gone. i'm sooooo relieved about that! so i'll get to see him at christmas! i can't believe i'll only have 3 more weeks with him! my love.

so much is changing!
gahhhhhh!

aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggg!!!!!

you know when you're feeling all good about yourself, actually not feeling like a fat ugly cow, and then you see pics of yourself that make you look like a fat ugly cow??? yep. that's sort of just what's going on with me. all sorts of fat ugly cow pics of me on facebook. fantastic. i look pregnant and nasty.
next thing:
my exes accountant called me last night at 10pm (wtf?) for tax info re: the show we did together, and now he wants me to mail him receipts and shit. bah! i don't even do my own taxes properly! leave me alone! i need those receipts for when i get audited and have to try not to go to jail for financial negligence dammit!! i hate dealing with anything that has to do with money - let alone having to deal with other people's money.
i can't handle this right now.
next thing:
i leave in a month. a month!! and i have to deal with trying to get rid of all my stuff, find storage for the stuff i want to keep, figure out my finances b4 i go and - now - i have to go to bc for 2 days in the midst of it all to be maid of honour at sister's impromptu wedding!!! (which of course i'm totally there, but a little bit bad timing...)
so of course i'm in a big panic now and am wasting the days i have time to take care of these things by totally flipping out.

flipping out!!!!!
i could really stand to have some angry sex right now.
anyone?

let's just keep this between us...

hey blog friends. i'm starting a blog for my travels - just a heads up.... maybe better not to comment (with your current id's)on the travel blogs in case i happen to be linked back to this blog - as the other blog is totally public....
yeah.
that's all.
i'll still blog here too...
ok.

mom vs dad

i just got off the phone with my dad and now i'm all stressed out about my trip. he called re: my finances. he let me know that he figured i planned my trip about six months sooner than i could actually afford it. he had his 'concerned' voice on.
i don't want my dad to worry about me. i don't think he wants me to do this. all three times i've talked to him on the phone he sounds worried and almost annoyed at me.
but i know i'm supposed to do this.
i don't have doubts about it.
it just sucks that i know my dad probably thinks i'm being totally irresponsible.
i told him i was aware of my finances. i told him i was aware that i'd be in debt when i get back. i'm completely okay with that. this is worth it to me.
i think he thinks i'm crazy and retarded.

he was the one who pushed me toward a university degree. a practical but relatively useless tool. glad i have it, but don't know that i'd be worse off without it... i'd probably just be in less debt.
i can't trust that dad knows best in all situations.
i don't actually think that parents really know best once their kids grow up.
not that they don't know things.... but their knowledge is overshadowed by their need to protect.

my mom on the other hand seems to get it. i explained to her that this is something i feel i was meant to do, and meant to do now. my mom gets those kinds of things.

funny how i am usually more open to my dad as he is less likely to state an opinion or openly judge.... but in this case it's different.

bah! i was relaxed.... i was feeling a sense of calm - which is hard to feel when you're completely about to uproot your entire life... now i feel shitty. now i can't sleep. now i feel like i need to prepare everything now.... which i can't b/c it's midnight and i have to work tomorrow at 730am.

grrrr!!!!!!!

cramming it all in

i got to be an actor today.
on film.
it was great.
i'm exhausted now.
but it was great.
i'd love it if that was actually my job.

now that i've decided to leave, i'm enjoying being here more.
i see my friends more.
i talk to my family more.
i have freedom with my creativity.
i'm not locked down by anything.

if i hadn't decided to leave, these things wouldn't be what they are.
time is going to fly.
time is flying.
where is the time?

my happy list

i wrote a list like this once... but it was my 'things i am passionate about' list. same difference. anyhoo - i figure i need to do this so here goes off the top of my head:

my fuzzy cat sleeping at the end of my bed.
my guitar.
learning a song i already know but singing it in a new way on my guitar.
movies that make me cry in a good way. like juno.
my friends.
when a friend posts a hot pic of me on facebook on a day i'm feeling like a fatty.
sunshine.
cheese with apples or peanut butter with apples.
travel.
fantasizing about travel.
guinness.
performing fun funny stuff.
having lots of cool people show up to my show.
a party that suprises me by being super fun when i thought it would be lame.
sitting around hungover with girlfriends eating and talking all day in pj's.
climbing a really tough route and making it to the top.
late cancelations at work and still getting paid for it.
pie.
running outside when my body isn't hurting.
talking on the phone to my sister.
younger boys who hit on me.
musicians.
getting up early enough to have a non-rushed breakfast before work.
a co-worker going for a coffee run.
coffee at jet fuel in cabbagetown.
visiting family.
writing something new.
checking stuff off of my things to do list.
inside jokes.
figuring it out.
watching my hot friends be in hot shows.
letting it all hang out.
wine and cheese and great conversations.
knowing that i'm having an adventure.

all new

so i've left my blog for a while. been doing other writing i guess. lots has changed with me.
such as...

i'm giving up my apartment.
i'm 'lending' my cat to a friend for a while.
i'm leaving the country for 6 and a half months.
i'm leaving my acting career for a while.... and i suppose my agency for a while.
leaving my job.
going to travel alone through mexico and central america.
going to volunteer in honduras for 5 months.
going to create an arts program for kids in a country where i don't really speak their language.
all by the seat of my pants.

don't know what i'm going to do when i get back.
not really sure what i'm going to do while i'm gone.
not sure how i'm going to be ok financially.
not sure how safe i'll be. or how healthy.

but a lightbulb went on a couple of weeks ago and a voice said i had to go do this.
so i am.
and i'm totally freaked out.

in a shell

i'm floating outside of my body and avoiding.
avoiding responsibility.
but that's not it.
avoiding possibility.
responsibility is easy these days.

i understand hermits.
to a certain extent.

i'm a bit of a liar.
i'm a bit of a failure.
a bit of a success.
i know how to play free falling on the guitar.

i'm getting spring fever and the older men can't cure me. not even the cute ones who sleep on the couch.

i'm trying not to be such a pussy.
i suppose i shouldn't use that derogatory term.
after all, i did just spend seven dollars and fifty cents on a feminist magazine.

i'm left behind.
i've jumped ahead
i'm stalling.
fear of failure.
fear of success.
fear of change.
fear of getting older and all of it just being the same.

and the wrinkles on my face are becoming consistently noticeable.... although when i'm 60 i'll look back and say.
i was so young then.
i was so young.

random boy updates in point form

a list of things in my life that should have very little bearing, but for some reason stick to the forefront of my brain....
1. my ex ex ex boyfriend (the one who randomly messaged me on facebook about a month ago) is engaged. to be expected. seems reasonable.
2. hairclip boy a.k.a. under-the-covers guy showed up to my show last night right near the end, stayed to have a drink with me, then very abruptly left as soon as he finished his beer... not sure what that was all about.
3. random dude that i don't know, but knows the man i climb with, showed up to my show last night and now i may have another climbing partner... i'm a little weirded out as he joined both of my groups on facebook - one which really has no relevance anymore. stalker? possibly.
4. my ex's best friend contacted me and wants to 'socialize'. offered to buy drinks. hmmm.
5. this is more of a summary than a point - but i seem to be consistently gaining male 'friends' with fairly obvious alternative motives with whom i have no desire to have any sort of non-friend relationship with. more so than usual. like lots. i wonder if the universe is shoving these men in my face to say "you've used up all the ones with potential, and this is all that's left! too bad for you!"

it annoys me that i still focus on the opposite sex/ relationship drama... i've been writing about this shit since grade six.
i think it's time to put it to good use.
i think maybe it's time to write a play about it. if only to feel like it all has some sort of purpose.

tact

when someone says they'd like to kiss you. ... and you don't want to kiss them.... what's the most tactful way to refuse?
so far i tend to just go with "um... i think i'll have to say no..."

i think i'm lacking in the appropriate response category....

all good things

this blogging circle is starting to get pretty thin. the enthusiasm at which we all used to write has died down. it used to be a huge forum for discussion and sharing - we all started it apart, and it brought us together.
lately the gaps of time get larger between bursts of blogging. our comaradarie has begun to wane.... which when you think of it, makes sense - seeing as it really was about individuals in the beginning... we just happened to form a like-minded group.
i've noticed in general lately that things are shifting. with everything.
it seems like time is standing still, and nothing is progressing, nothing is changing.
i feel stuck.
but when i look at the evidence, everything is changing. everything is moving.
including circles of friends.
it's that time again where pieces start to break off, and each part becomes individual again.... looking for a new circle to latch onto.
it's not a bad thing.
it's just the nature of evolution. the nature of change.

patience

i need to learn how to be patient.
exciting and new things can't possibly happen every second of the day.

ask and you shall receive

i had forgotten about the power of prayer.
and i'm not talking religion. i'm not talking church. i'm not talking anything but simply opening up and asking.... asking someone, god, whomever, the universe, myself... whatever you want to call it.
asking for help.
asking for a clear path.
call it meditation. call it whatever you want. i call it prayer.
it's something i used to do when i was a kid nearly every night.
somewhere i stopped.
probably in my rejection of church and my former beliefs.

the other day i sat down, upset, lost, bored - feeling stuck. and i asked and questioned and talked. i asked for openings, for chances, for intuition. i felt a sense of relief.
the next day i got a call that i had 2 auditions.
a couple days later, feeling all jumbled and upset again i sat and did the same thing. talk, asked, questioned. i was feeling stressed about a creative project with a friend/colleague. i was feeling helpless about the outcome of an audition.
the next day the exact worry i had with that colleague was resolved by her approaching me on the subject i didn't know how to bring up. on the same day i got a call back for an audition.

there's something to be said about all this.
i don't know what it is... maybe just taking actual time to stop, think, question and be true to yourself. synchronicity perhaps.

i think i need to make a habit of this.

whine whine whine

so i'm guessing the tub of haagen daaz isn't included in my no-carb diet plan.... oops.
i cracked - what can i say?

i have stuff i need to get done. stuff. writing stuff. promo stuff.
i'm lazy.
thinking of ways to escape.

dishes need to be done...
stuff.
boo to stuff!

i want to sit and eat and watch t.v.
if only i had cable.

i'm waiting for a thunderbolt of excitement to come crashing down from the sky.
boom!!
wait for it.... wait for it.... wait for it....

nope.
nothing.
totally boring.

postcard continues

so. just got a message on facebook from boy (remember boy) who i was dating over the holidays.
"your postcard just arrived in the mail"
nice.
very nice.
i love how even my minor relationships linger...

lost interest

so i got rid of my online profile about a week ago.
the novelty has worn off.
besides, i can meet plenty of uninteresting or unattractive or old or out of shape or gay closeted men that i have no desire to sleep with the good old fashioned way.

damn valentine

i felt fine all day.
i was in a good mood.
i knew what day it was.
i did my show.
then he had to say "well, it's valentine's day, at least give me a hug"
and he got on the subway, and i walked home alone past window displays of hearts.

playing it safe

why does it feel like nothing is happening when i'm busier than i've been in months? i'm antsier than ever, i feel like things are on pause... or worse, rewind. yet i'm in a show, producing a monthly show that will start in less than a week and co-writing a screenplay.
it just feels predictable. it feels like i've done this before... well in a way, i have.
i want drastic change.
i want motivation.
i want inspiration.
i feel like i'm not pushing myself to my potential.
i'm letting myself get fat.
i need to turn things up a notch. the online dating entertained me for a bit. the tongue piercing was a brief distraction. the drunken sex put a pause in my drought. the play is placating my actor. the cabaret is filling my mental resume. the climbing gym is keeping me in moderate shape.
but these are all bandaids.
i think some serious risk taking is in order. i think i need to push my boundaries. i think i need to figure out what it is i'm doing, and jump.
so what'll it be?

a little bit of what-the-f

a couple of things.
1: i'm crazy
2: why is life on repeat?

addressing the crazy bit - the other eve i was bored/over caffinated/antsy and re-pierced my own tongue. i have a show this week. fantastic idea.
while i was piercing my own tongue i was contemplating meeting this rude online hockey guy that eve... luckily the shock of the pierced tongue caused me to call a friend and make him talk me out of the blind date... i luckily avoided crashing that crazy train.
suprisingly the tongue feels fine, probably b/c i had it pierced for 4 years.... it was closed over for 4 years since... but hey - it seems to be doing alright.
i think i'm going through some sort of mental issues....

second thing - life on repeat.
three of my exes have now gotten in touch with me via facebook. must be the valentines thing. the most recent (under the covers guy) sent me a message and is apparently now not moving to vancouver for another year and a half, is going to go to law school, and is moving into a smaller place so he can save as much money as possible.
what?
why is it that after a break up they always become motivated and ballsy? when we were dating i suggested the whole moving into a cheaper place b/c he was talking about wanting to save.... and he, of course, argued with me - saying that it wouldn't make all that much of a difference.
i think i have a "what are you doing with your life" affect on people. i don't know if it's a good thing. and it only ever comes to fruition after i've broken up with them. nice.
mr. under-the-covers is taking a big, uncomfortable, life risk. fantastic. good for him. amazing.

so now i have this lovely repor with half of my exes... good for me. ask me if i'm getting anything current? no. of course not. i do, however, have a 46 yr old man (whom i'm not attracted to) who is working on me. "want to go climbing artsmonkey?" "want to go snowboarding?"
yes! i do! but i don't want you to think that i would actually sleep with you!
bah.
it's always conditional.

one down...

so date #1 was fun. nice guy. got along. obvious to me that he's gay... not so obvious to him...
how does one deal with this situation?
he liked me. he did the hug and kiss on the cheek goodbye. he said he'd call..... um... ok?

date #2 was supposed to happen tomorrow afternoon. he cancelled. "car's in the shop still".... he lives in markham.
true?
possible.
do i care?
not a lot.

the problem of going on dates, is it reminds me that i'm not having sex....
dammit.

ps. check out the nkotb link on nosiren's blog... unless the rest of you are too young to appreciate... it's possible... ahhh... but the memories...

once more into the....

so i'm back to online dating.

i just don't like to be bored.
i constanly want to entertain myself. and if that means freaking myself out by making blind dates, then so be it.

i was discussing this with a client and a co-worker yesterday. i was explaining how this is sort of a fun hobby, and i'm not quick to respond to messages or stick with a conversation on line, b/c in the end - i don't really care about meeting anyone new. i've had a couple persistant guys who don't get the hint when i don't return a call....

then they(client and coworker) made this point: the people on line are mostly at the end of their options. they are looking for love. they are wanting each possible meeting to potentially be the one. they're serious.

is this true? because, if so, maybe i shouldn't be participating in this sport. maybe i should just drop it and leave these people alone.

the thing is, if i was looking for love - i wouldn't be doing it on line. dating and sex is one thing, love and relationships are another. i don't want to test fate when it comes to something more serious - i think that's something that should come along more organically than by an on line dating service.

but that's my opinion.

i think i have a date tonight and a different date tomorrow. i hope they aren't crazy.... or if they are, just crazy enough to give me something good to blog about.

fleeting jealousy

my one night stand posted 2 photos of him and i on facebook. he's hot. one pic isn't bad of me either.
then i noticed he posted pics of him and a hotter girl. more pics.
she stayed longer and had the fling i could've had.
she stayed longer and got the dehydrated surfer body that i was getting near the end... and if i'd stayed....

but then i remember that he was just hot.
i'm the one who left.

i'll go back next year, stay a month, surf a month, tan a month and live whatever experience i live.

well, at least i have a better rack than the blondie...
i'm so shallow.
sometimes.

where are the hot boys in toronto?

i think that hotter weather makes hotter people. i was way hotter in mexico. after i'd been there for a bit. less clothing. more sex appeal.

hmmm.... i will one day be able to travel for long amounts of time without financial consequence...
one day soon....

bah. the pics are bittersweet. i was waiting for it. i got it. and then i got the reality check.
c'est la vie.

solution??

so after a day in bed sick, i'm now anstier (is that a word?), fatter and feeling like a slug. i'm awake at 1130pm, and will probably be awake far too long considering that i have to get up at 630am. i want to move out of my apartment, i want to be more productive, i want to save money and pay off my bills, i want to be healthy, i want to be skinny.

what do do.

re arrange my room.

it's the only logical conclusion i have come to. the only thing that will provide immediate relief. the only thing that will get the computer away from my head, get me off facebook, and force me to clean.

so i moved a couple things around tonight.... tomorrow, after work, when i'm supposed to be laying in bed getting better - i will be taking everything off of my bookshelf, throwing stuff out i don't need, washing my floors, and switching the furniture around in the only configuration that i have not yet used in this shoebox i call home.

i hope it works.

here's hoping.
i figure it'll give me another few months of sanity before i have to move to a bigger place.

breathe in.... breathe out.... (cough cough... ahh... the second hand smoke wafting through my vents is pure bliss...)

off the top of my head

things on my mind.

i'm as antsy as hell.
i don't want to work today.
i'm feeling sick. i still have an ear infection, but i don't want to waste my free time going to a walk in.

i cancelled my voice lesson last minute, which is an ass thing to do, but i'm feeling half assed - and have no money, and don't want to spend the money i don't have on a lesson that wont be all that productive.

my ex, ex, ex boyfriend messaged me on facebook - just "hey, what's going on?".... he's probably about to get engaged or break up. these are the events that provoke a message to artsmonkey from an ex.

i set up an online profile again for dating... not b/c i want to date right now, but b/c i figure in a week or so i'll be in serious need/want of sex and need to cover my bases.

i don't want to go to work tonight, even though it's only 4 hrs. i'd like to not work mondays. i never want to go to work on mondays. and i always teach all classes which means there are no chances that i'll have a cancellation and get a free hr to myself.

i had weird dreams last night about swimming pools and being the other woman and dancing and being unappreciated. but in the dream i was hot and skinny...

my neighbor always plays weird indian music at this time of day. probably b/c he's from india. i'm not really a fan of the music. maybe just his specific taste.

i'm in an 'I DON'T WANNA!!!' mood. with everything. what i wanna is ice cream. what i wanna is movies. what i wanna is escapism and laziness and just fun. a slumber party would fit my mood about now. a three day slumber party.

bah. i wish i had the luxury to just hibernate through these moods. but instead i must work to pay rent, visa, bills etc. sometimes life is just too much effort.

boys stink

so, it once again seems to me that all boys are asswipes in some way, shape or form.
ok... maybe i'm being harsh... well, i am being harsh. now that i've acknowledged that...

boys are lame.
i met with boy for coffee to do the giving-back-of-stuff ritual. it was all very civilized. all very 'nice'.
among the niceties of the meeting, he very casually let me know that he was planning on moving to vancouver before i even broke things off. he was 'meaning to talk to me, but no time seemed to be appropriate.'
um. ok. don't you think this is something one brings up when one starts dating someone? like how i brought up that i was going to mexico? like how i brought up that i didn't want to jump into a relationship?
i just find the whole thing rather sleazy. faining real interest to get laid. getting all complimentary and emotional in hopes of some ego stroking. poo poo to that!
i probably would have liked him more if he had told me he was going away in the first place.

but here's the thing. (what's the thing, artsmonkey?... this is the thing...) the thing is - i don't think he was planning on moving to vancouver. he talked about it as if it was something he'd mulled over. he wasn't sold. he didn't want to go there and have to take a pay cut. i was encouraging him to go....
i don't think he had made up his mind.
i think i pushed him over the edge.
and i'm glad. b/c that means our relationship served a purpose.

but don't tell me that this was in the works from the beginning.
that's just covering your ego.
i think he was waiting to see if he and i had an actual chance.

i want to break hearts dammit! none of this "well i was going to break up with you first!" "no, II WAS!" "no, iiiiiii was!"

just be a man and admit that you're disappointed.
it's all balls.
balls i say.

i totally broke up with him first. it was my idea first.
don't steal my thunder.
the thunder is mine.
it belongs to me.
ok.
that's all. i think i've made my point.

i win.

ok. i'm done....

but i totally won.

blogaholic

i'm compelled to blog lately. even b4 my trip i was in need of blogging. but i feel like i need to space the blogs out... to build suspense...
well screw it. i'm just blogging.

so i think this little 2 month tryst with boy served a higher purpose. i wasn't sure what until i thought of sending a little email 'hi' to my ex. the one who wanted to be friends with me, and the one i wanted to kill.
i don't want to kill him anymore.
my angst towards that situation seems to have gone away.
this may be temporary... but i don't think so.
i'm now quite okay with the idea of him returning to toronto in the summer.

i guess one does have to get under someone to get over someone else.

take it as it comes

things to do:
break it off with the guy. it's not what i want.
he msn's me. i call him. done. no problem.

change of heart

i missed him when i was away.
it was great to see him when i got back.
2 nights spent together... more intense than usual.
thought i might be into the whole relationship thing with this guy.
i was getting sentimental.

something switched.
maybe it was the sex in the bedroom, under the covers with the lights off. again.
maybe it was the disappointing excursion rock climbing.
maybe it was the bat in the cave.
maybe it was the smoking.
maybe it's the way he always has to be in control.

all the flaws are jumping out at me.
there's only a vague haze left of what i was attracted to.
maybe i was just attracted to me reflected in his eyes.
maybe i just needed a boost.
i'm now boosted.

i feel trapped.
i want sex, but not with him.
i want adventure.
i want variety.
i want sunshine.
i want spontaneity.
i want it my way.
i want hard body, lights on, in the kitchen, on the table.

i don't want this anymore.

but what do i do now? he's in mid fall.

hello 2008

first day back.
things to get done.
email from my friend who's house sitting: "the landlord mentioned an eviction notice... get here soon".
so my jan cheque was dated 2007.
easy fix.
call landlord, write new cheque.
still, complaints about my cat from the neighbors.
things to do: write letter to neighbors asking to not let cat inside.... no problem.
next on the list.
go to pharmacy for morning after pill. one can never be too careful.
get to pharmacy. credit card declined.
things to do: call credit card company. easy. done. turns out i was issued a different card. my new card is at home. don't have money to get home. don't have debit card b/c it was lost in mexico.
things to do: go to bank. 20 min walk away.
no problem. run to bank get replacement debit card. done. no problem.
things to do: go back to pharmacy to pay for pill. take pill. 2 pills in 12 hrs without boy noticing.... timing will be off as can't inconspicuously take second pill in middle of night. will have to wait till boy is in shower in the am.
done. ok. no problem.

next.
laundry.
can do at boys house. almost done. next: load #2. no detergent.
things to do: go buy detergent.
done.

things to do:
contact work re: hours. done.
contact agency re: schedule. don't know schedule. email agency and say i'll keep them updated. done.
things to do: contact director re: schedule for rehearsal for bad play.
done.

what else....
go to gym... not going to happen.
have sex with boy.
done.
again.
done.
add fling as friend on facebook.
done.
wake up at boys house and start to freak out b/c i'm totally in a relationship.
done.

one thing at a time.
no problem.
i can handle it.
2006 abd 2007 were full of such craziness that all this just seems like routine.
i think i'm getting the hang of this 'real world' thing.
only took me 4 years.

i think i'm going to like 2008.

and the boy wins over the fling....

so i missed him.
but that doesn't mean i was good while i was away.
i couldn't have been... i needed to do what i would have done if single.
that was the point of going away.
to be independent. to be alone and experience traveling alone.

i'm back.
he missed me. a lot.
however i try to avoid labeling this situation it seems fairly clear upon my return that i'm in a relationship.
at least i held out til the new year.
what can you do.

once a committment phobe....

so i'm back to freak out mode.
he said:
'so we haven't talked about what we are going to do when you are in mexico'
i thought:
'ahhhhhhhh!!!! you're trying to trap me! you're trying to squash my fabulous free spirited ways!'
i calmly replied:
'whatever do you mean' (innocent bewildered look... well not quite... but you get my drift)
he said:
'well, you might meet some guys there'
i said:
'you might meet some girls here' (well played, i know...)
he said:
'i'm just wondering what you want to do'
i thought:
'i want to have hot passionate sex with foreign men without any consequences and come back here after 2 1/2 weeks to you worshiping the very ground i walk on'
i actually said:
'let's just play it by ear, see what happens'
he was quiet.

dammit.... why did he have to bring it up? just when i was starting to let down my guard.
bah.

falling

so i don't really know what happened and when... but somewhere between last post and now, my cynical side has taken a backseat to retarded behaviour such as:
- big smile across my face whenever i see boy, flutter of excitement whenever i think about boy,
- random thoughts of future life, job, and apartment with choose-your-own-adventure options for with boy and without.

i'm not well.
i'm still talking the talk of the cynic... acting all... 'whatever' and 'we'll see' and 'i don't know'. i think it's mildly convincing. i've mildly convinced myself....

i actually can pinpoint the turning point, now that i think of it.
this is what happened:
on the weekend - i spent two nights in a row with boy. was getting freaked out. boy came to see me perform. boy, me and guy friend went out for drinks. boy wanted to go home - asked if i could come with. i said no b/c of cat. he was very cool about it. but then i said goodbye, pretended to go home and then proceeded to go for 2 more pitchers with guy friend with the hopes that we would hook up so that i could confidently confirm my status as single. here's where i point out what an asshole i am...
we didn't hook up. i didn't want to. i'm not even into my guy friend. he's just my friend. any doubts i ever had about that were quickly erased that eve.
but i did get super drunk and crashed at his place. in his bed. nothing happened.
i woke up feeling like shit, both physically and emotionally. i felt like an asshole.... possibly because i am one. i missed boy.

next time i talked to boy he seemed distant. i felt panicked.
i then cleared a little space in my brain to accept the fact that i like boy. i made an effort to go see him.
next time i saw him i was toast. with butter and jam.

i noticed today that he took away his 'looking for' status on facebook.
when i used his computer the other day(when he was out) i saw that he googled a song named after me for guitar tabs. how retardedly cute is that? almost enough to vomit. almost enough to start writing his name in little hearts all over my geography binder (note obvious highschool crush reference).

i'm still not making any committments.... these things will have to wait til post mexico. just b/c i'm falling for guy is no excuse to give up potential hot situations in a foreign language.
am i right? i'm right. i'm totally right.

i'm totally cool. totally in control.
no worries.
totally fine...
shuttup! you're all judging me!
i'm so fine about all this....

2 weeks

i have two weeks and one day before i leave for mexico.
two weeks to:

-work exactly 8 more shifts.
-brush up on my spanish (this includes watching spanish movies, listening to spanish music, and doing spanish homework).
-have the hottest surf-ready body ever (this includes eating no bad food and working out every day).
-find wonderful enlightening book(s) to bring with me.
-get a base tan via artificial cancer-inducing salon.
-write exam for work so i am officially certified and don't have to stress out about it over holiday, and maybe get offered amazing job in mexico so that i don't have to come back.
-not spend all my money so that i'm not crazy broke and stressed when i return from amazing mexico.
-get travellers cheques.
-pack .
-not fall for new guy.
-not become in any way committed to new guy.
-not become attached to, dependent of, needy of. wanting more of, obsessed with or sentimentally inclined towards - new guy.
-do laundry.
-get professional bikini wax so as not to appear european in hot bikini in hot body on hot beach with hot surfers who i will have hot fantasy-type experiences with b/c i'm not in any way committed to new guy.
-make two weeks be more like 2 days in my head.

i think all these things are reasonably do-able in two weeks. no problem. i'll let you know how it all works out.

oh so predictable.

i'm starting to like him too much.
i knew this would happen.
he wants to drive me to the airport when i leave for mexico.
that's 3 weeks away.

i met his brother.
before i met him(the brother), i thought i'd end up wanting to sleep with him (because that's just how things work for me...) but i didn't.
his brother is cute and tall.
but i didn't care.
i like my guy. my guy is cuter.

two and a half weeks in mexico will hopefully start me thinking straight.
i may be getting in over my head.

new developments

i slept at my friends house after a night out of drinking. in an unusual turn of events, we did not have sex. this is progress.
i read at an open mic. just a story. it went over well. one step closer to standup.
i stayed at the boys house last night. i woke up without the usual anxiety.

all these things are small progressions for me. i was having a coffee on college today, writing in my journal - still feeling stuck. in limbo. something weighing me down but not sure what.

then i got a call from my ex. the ex with all the expectations. the ex whom i care about but who drains my energy at least 50% of the time. the ex whom i feel like i can't quite shake off. the ex who needs to be my friend.

he got a job out of the country. he'll be gone for six months at a time. he's leaving in less than two weeks.

i'm happy for him, but also happy for me.

a weight has been lifted.
i feel like there should be some sort of celebration.
it's like leaving home after highschool and realizing that there's no way your parents have any idea or control over what you are doing.
freedom.

stuck-in-my-head cabin fever

ahhrrrggghhhh!
what the fuck is wrong with me.
i'm all weird and in a bad mood and lonely but want to be alone, but not really - and kind of want to see this guy i'm dating... but too stubborn with my 'single and proud' image to tell him i want to see him... and convincing myself that i don't like him... that i'm just bored.

i had an audition for a role i really wanted.
i didn't get it.
obviously.
but i got my hopes up on this one.

balls.

trying to date and act casual is retarded.
the only things that are fun are either
a) passionate affairs with built in endings (ie. vacation fling, or foreign exchange student fling)
b) great relationship with someone you can't get enough of and have so much fun with and who knows you so well and loves every little bit of you and visa versa

things that are not fun include
a)relationships that feel like a shit load of work and are based on ideas not emotions
b) casually dating someone you aren't even into
c) casually dating someone you are into but are trying not to be into because you think you should be living some wild and free single existence... which half the time actually consists of eating icecream alone in your apartment.... however it can sometimes consist of being amazing and writing and going to the gym and being fabulous in general... but not all the time.

so i'm obviously trying to keep my single status for as long as possible.... for the following reasons -
1) i want to be free for flinging when in mexico
2) i want to spend my time writing and pursuing my career.

the problem is i have no motivation to do anything creative. i think i'm at a standstill. i feel creatively and emotionally constipated.

i want to throw myself off the don valley bridge.
but not really.
it's too cold outside.

however, not cold enough to eat a tub of ice cream.
but too cold to go out and get it.

what a dilemma.

giving in

i've stopped freaking out for the time being. reassessed my boundaries. i'm still jumpy and off and an insomniac (only 1.5hrs of sleep last night) - but things are starting to seem more manageable.
i wrote ideas for standup.
i called my agency re: auditions and work schedules.
the boy contacted me and wanted to come over last night.
i said no.
but i invited him and his friend to a party this wkend.
i don't want to avoid relationships and situations out of fear.

i realized my two biggest fears right now are:
-giving up shifts at work so i can audition, and being so broke and so not booking auditions
-falling for someone and ending up in a pattern of a 'why not' relationship.

the broke thing is something i'm just going to have to jump into - take a leap of faith with my career.
the relationship thing is something i don't want to analyze to death and control - i did that in my last relationship and it was robotic and by the book - lacking much needed passion - going all on thought.
so i think i'll go with the flow.

say yes to what i want and what feels right,
say no to what doesn't.

sounds so simple, but it's not always so easy.

not myself

i'm all over the place the past few days. feeling grumpy, then inspired, then quickly uninspired, then tired, then energetic, then lazy and hungry.
i was out with neenia yesterday and she said i didn't seem myself.
i'm all in my head.
i'm antsy.
i feel like i've hit a bump or a loop in my path and i'm wandering around without much control over my destination.
i'm not sure what to do about this boy i'm dating.
part of me thinks 'get out b4 you end up in a relationship'
part of me thinks 'just go with the flow' (however that works) or 'stick with it til the holidays' or 'you're just dating, what's there to think about?'
i don't want to fall into my old pattern of jumping into a relationship b/c it's what the other person wants.
i don't want to be in a relationship.
but i also don't feel like being 100% single. especially as the weather gets colder and the thought of having someone to sit on a couch with and watch movies is extremely appealing.
not to mention sex.
i have an audition tomorrow. finally. but unfortunately i have to give up an hour of work for it. i'm losing $30. with no guarantee that i'll get the audition. and i'm already on a super tight budget.
but i said i had to do this.
i said i had to put acting before the dayjob.
one step back.... two steps forward?
hopefully.
i think i should start doing standup comedy.
but i'm a chicken shit.
and i don't feel all that funny these days.
but it's a way i can progress myself.
it's something i can do.

i feel like making a fort with pillows and bed sheets and hiding in it and eating chocolate chip cookies and reading archie comics.

i can't seem to hold onto a thought.
arrgg.

i was on city tv yesterday. talking about americans vs canadians. wierd. i was stopped in the street.
i didn't see it.
i wonder if anyone i know did.

i got a facebook message yesterday from one of my exes friends who lives in montreal. i never talk to him. it was totally random. he went on about how cute i was and wondered why i ever dated his friend. then said i should look him up if i'm in montreal. random. weird. why do my exes friends hit on me? i have no interest in him.
i feel like the universe is just throwing random shit at me for kicks.

it's still there

[warning: this blog contains a spoiler - must read previous blog "more than words" first. how cheeseball is that??]
------------------------------
I’m feeling conflicted.
I went back to his place last night, partially b/c I had agreed to before the hairclip situation, and partly b/c the hairclip takes some pressure off of exclusivity…
Except for the fact that he’s treating me like a girlfriend-in-progress.
The hairclip wouldn’t bother me so much if he just treated me like a casual dating/sex partner.

If he said “I have to get up really early, so I’ll get you a cab home”, or “I had a good time. We should do this again sometime… I’m really busy, so not this week… but sometime… take care.” I could handle it. If he kept his hands to himself when we were out together. The actions would match the hairclip, so to speak.

But instead he assumes I’m staying over and in the morning says “you don’t have to get up if you don’t want. I’ll give you a key so you can sleep in and leave when you like.” And “I bought us tickets for an event in your neighborhood two weeks from now. Do you think you could leave your Spanish class early and come?” He constantly holds my hand, touches and kisses me in public. He apologizes for the alarm going off early in the morning. He tells me I look sexy ‘morning, noon and night’ – to which I roll my eyes. He gives me a raincoat for the walk home.

My toothbrush, the one he gave me, is in his toothbrush holder.
In the meantime the hairclip is just sitting there on the night stand screaming “lies!”
Sex was distracting.
I was paranoid.
I was pissed off.
I was thinking “when was the hairclip left? It’s all a matter of when. If it was left before we even had sex, that’s one thing… if it was after…”
Orgasm was a nearly impossible thing.

So now what? I have his raincoat. I don’t want to bring the hairclip up, because I don’t want to have the ‘are we exclusive’ talk. I don’t even know if I like him anymore.
I really, really liked him on Saturday night.
Now I don’t know what to think.
I’m not good at breaking things off.

more than words

So I’m getting all nervous and paranoid about this guy b/c he’s actually nice. Like he treats me nicely (he cleans, cooks for me, pays for drinks, provides me with a clean toothbrush) and doesn’t have to point out every time he does (like my narcissistic “I’m such a great catch – aren’t I? aren’t i?” ex boyfriend).

I met this guy online. Weird, but so far okay. He makes me breakfast in the morning. He sends me home with ttc tokens and homemade soup. He invites me to concerts. He’s good in bed. He “we’s” me – which freaks me out a bit. He plays guitar, which is like porn for me. He compliments me. A lot. He notices and seems to appreciate little details about me.

Last night, on the couch, I started pulling the bobby pins out of my hair (I always wear bobby pins to keep my hair out of my face). He lightheartedly mentioned that the other night in bed he rolled over onto one of my ‘clips’ and it freaked him out until he realized what it was.

He mentions how he was thinking about me in specifics: “I was thinking what character you would play in a movie” or “I was thinking about how you like to tell a whole anecdote for what most people will just leave as a comment” or “ I was thinking about you teaching, and what that would be like”. He wants to take me snowboarding.

I’ve been stressed b/c it’s still very, very early. Just dating. But sleeping together. I wonder if I should still go out with other people. I wonder if I could sleep with someone else without feeling like I’m breaking some unwritten rule. We haven’t had the “exclusive talk”.

This morning (after I had agreed to come back to his place this evening) I rolled over, looked at his bedside table and saw a hair clip. The hair clip he was telling me about.

It wasn’t mine.

rules

what are the rules of online dating?
if i am sleeping with someone, is it ok to still make dates with other people?
at what point to i have to be exlusive??
one friend told me that once i am sleeping with and dating one person, it is not in good taste to date anyone else...
but, i mean, we met online...
i don't even know that i have time or desire to date more than one person at a time ... but i just don't know that i'm ready to cut off my options.

the cynicism does wear off

i'm excited about my movie date tomorrow night... date #3 with a so far nice, attractive guy.
i get choked up watching carrie run into mr. big and natasha for the first time in the hamptons.
i fantasize about meeting a perfect guy for me at the rock climbing gym.
i think about romance.
i think i might be able to share my nighttime space with someone else... maybe once a week.
i ache just a little for a warm body to hold onto.

but i don't feel empty,
i don't feel like i'm missing out.
i walked around today with a smile on my face - laughing at inside jokes, loving the fall air, and satisfied with doing things for myself.

i still like being single,
but i'm letting go of my cynic.

understanding

i think my ex finally gets it. he understands that he's my ex and not my best friend. of course, because he is so morally superior to me - he considers me a friend first, and an ex second.
i consider him an ex first - and i'm okay with that.
and he gets it.
horrah!
freedom.

exhole

i emailed my ex bf - whom i'm still friends with on occassion, and asked him not to read my blog anymore b/c it made me feel restricted. totally valid.
so he f#@&ing calls me at 1:20am b/c he wants to talk about it - knowing that i work at 730am the next day! i woke up, didn't answer - but then i was up and down all night and woke up feeling grumpy and tired. so not cool! so not cool at all!! 1:20 in the goddamn morning? is it really that urgent? ahhhhhhhh!!!! (as you can see i'm still filled with the rage one experiences after an interrupted, much needed sleep).
what the hell was he thinking??
why can't i just have a normal ex that hates me?

the internet is decieving

so online guy wasn't what he was advertising.
a bit of a disappointment.
a bit of a relief.
could have friend potential - but it seems obvious that friends is not what he's looking for.
seemed like a sweet guy.
just really young, and nervous, and trying to hard... and a mini lisp....
possible potential... but i dunno...
weird.
maybe the internet guy is there under the nervous first date guy... who knows.

little bit lonely

today is the first day in a long stretch where i've felt lonely. like lonely single lonely. it's not overwhelming - just a twinge.
i have a date tonight. someone i've been out with once before. seems like a really nice guy - someone i would be friends with. i'm actually hoping that's all it amounts to, is friendship, because i'm not sure if i'm attracted to him. although i've only met him once.... the thought of having a 'nice time' with someone i've just met could be part of the source of this new lonley feeling. or maybe it's because the world just slowed down for me today after whizzing around my head. or maybe it's because my friend canceled dinner plans on me at the last minute. or maybe it's because i had sex last night after a moderate dry spell (with a total mutual understanding that we don't want to get involved) and had the taste of something physical again... but just physical... or maybe i'm just tired.
i have an on line crush. this may be either part of source of lonliness, or a byproduct of... i'm supposed to meet him tomorrow. part of me hopes that we don't click in person. or at least not physically... because on paper, he's my exact type - a photographer (hot), adventure photographer (even hotter), rock climber (hot), super active and outdoorsy (hot), a year younger than me (very hot), is environmentally concious(hot), has his own business, his own house and seemingly is successful before the age of 30 (hot/makes me a teeny jealous).
so you see this would be a problem if i end up being super attracted to him as i don't want to be in a relationship.
but then this little enemy called lonliness sneaks up and makes it seem just a little bit appealing.
i just haven't had any luck with those relationship things for such a long time that i've thrown in the towel.... at least for the time being.

well, anyway, this blog is a bit rambly...
i'm sure i'll go back to non lonely by tomorrow.

torn

i'm at a point where i want to reduce my dayjob hours (again) and start being a writer/actor full time. this has always been my long term goal - but the past couple of weeks have made me want it now.
i've already reduced my dayjob hours.
and i like my dayjob - it's great.
but i have all these new opportunites to actually have my writing produced. i have 4 new projects to work on... actually 5... but i've only started 3 ... but the thing is - i want to write. i don't even care that i'm not getting auditions right now. i get to perform on my own (not for pay) in film and on stage anyway.
and i've been sick the past 4 days. i wish i had the money to tell my work to book me off for the next week so i can stay in bed, regain my health, and write write write.
i need to figure out how to do this.
how can i afford to do this??
i'd be happy to do two shifts at my work per week. but that wouldn't be nearly enough money.
i need to book a commercial.
i'd need to get an audition for that to happen.
bah.
i feel all antsy and jumpy inside.
maybe i could get a grant.
maybe i'll call margaret atwood and ask her for one of hers.
good idea.
"hi, margaret? yes. this is artsmonkey... um, you don't know me, but i was wondering if i could have one of your grants...... yeah? .... you don't mind?.... great... i appreciate this!... bye!"
easy as pie.

almost famous

I want to write. i want to do. my input is becoming output.
i have this new director friend who likes working with me.
someone who i like and respect as a director wants to work with me - a lot! craziness.
i'll be filming this scene soon for her directors reel.
i'll have to flirt, laugh, cry, be terrified, be in bed with a man, try to escape murder, try to stop a suicide.
huge test of acting chops.
i'm terrified.
but i'm soooo going to do it.
aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!
one fantasises about living out these moments on film.
then it is presented to you.
it's now or never.
just go.

date and the city

i had a date.
i have no serious interest in this person.
not even sure if i'm that attracted.
but i had a date!
i learned that on dates, men open doors for women, pay for things (also allow you to pay for some things), help you on with your coat and contact you the day after to say they enjoyed themselves.
hm.
weird hey?
who knew?
i think i like this 'dating' thing.
before when i dated - i was looking for love. i didn't really admit it, but i was. i was looking for 'the one'. so if the date wasn't good, it was depressing. if it wasn't great it was depressing. if i wasn't super into the guy - it was depressing.
now i can just enjoy it for what it is.
i say 'i don't want a relationship'
and now no expectations.
at all.
fun.

more evidence of age

i was at the gym this evening doing some stretching/pilates after a jog. in the same room as me were a cute boxing guy using one of the punching bags and 20-23 yr old cute girl with dancers legs. she was wearing a pink tee shirt and shorts, and was doing some exersises/stretches that gave evidence of a dance background - most likely jazz. i suddenly wished i was wearing shorts and a pink tee shirt.
i was at the side of the room doing some conservative exercises to work on strengthening some necessary muscles to avoid the aches and pains i've been experiencing b/c of jogging... nothing fancy or sexy about it.
the cute girl went through a series of sit ups and push ups and finally started sliding into the splits.
i used to do the splits at the gym.
before i tore my adductor muscles in jazz class.
she was tanned.
i used to tan.
before my dermatologist told me to never again venture into the sun and if i had to i should wear a tent.
guess who the cute boxer guy started talking to?
i remember when the cute boxing guys would come over and talk to me after watching me 'work out'.
i found it somewhat flattering but also kind of annoying.
"i wish i was that flexible"
"can you give me any pointers for stretches?"
god that was annoying. i'm not an object! i know what you're thinking!

i miss that.

funny. i could probably give them more advice now - given my pilates experience.
but i think the splits is better advertising.
for more than just stretching advice.

i think i need to start working on my splits.
maybe i'll ease into it at home.
i wouldn't want to pull anything in public... definitely not good advertising.

ladies who lunch

this woman who directed a documentary i was in last year keeps sending out emails to, i'm assuming, all her female contacts.
these emails are regarding social events that she is trying to organize for "womyn"
she spells it like that:
"womyn"
is that not like nails on a chalk board?!!! gahhhhh!!!!
stuff like "movies for my womyn friends about womyn so us womyn can get together and discuss what it is to be womyn."....blah blah blah
garrrrrghghghgh!!!
so i delete them b/c it takes all the power in me to even skim the email without throwing myself off a building and impailing myself on a lamp post.
but wait - now she just sent me a personal email!
"hey artsmonkey, did you get my email about the upcoming movie date for womyn?"
bahhh!!
yes! but i trashed it! and i am rejecting your offers solely on the premise that i can't stand how you spell 'women'" it's w-o-m-e-n! no 'y'! no 'y' goddammit!!
also i don't know this lady at all and would feel strange and awkward going to some random event with god knows who.
hell, maybe i'm judgemental and awful.
but it's just how i feel.
now i need to find a way to decline politely.

all you need is love?

i watch love on tv. lust. want of love.
i read about love and want of love.
i listen to friends talk about how great it is to have love, how much it sucks to lose and how much they want it.

this topic used to be my thing.
the search. trying trying trying.

it's not in my basket of 'wants' anymore.
who knows why.
maybe i'm exhausted by the search.
maybe i've temporarily given up.
maybe i don't believe in it.
maybe i'm just okay without it.
maybe i've built up my guards so much in the last year or so that i can't even remember what it feels like and therefore don't feel like i'm missing anything.

or maybe i don't even want to bother unless it is the real thing and i don't have the time or patience anymore to play the fairytale.

or maybe i have enough faith that life will lead me where i need to go and i shouldn't bother forcing or searching for it.

i feel like i've had a partial lobotomy and had the 'love' (romantic type) section removed.

in any case...
i think i'm actually content.
for the time being.

all grown up

yesterday a co-worker asked me about my 'partner'. i then briefly explained my break up (including the 4 months post-breakup of working together). he then said 'you must be really happy right about now' referring to the fact that as of a couple weeks ago i'm really on my own.
and i thought, 'yeah, i guess i am'
although the past few weeks (post halifax) i've been down and feeling alone in a not-so-great way.
his simple statement made me think - i should be happy. i have what i want.
i think part of my problem is i've been comparing my new single-dom to what i remember of being single.... but the thing is - the last time i was left single (for more than a month) i was 22 years old. and the time before that - 19.
i'm 27 years old. things have changed. i've changed. pretty much all of the goals i set for myself when i was 22 have been achieved.
i've finished school, i'm financially independent, i have a day job that i like, i live on my own, i have an agent and i'm actively pursuing my career (even though i haven't reached fame and fortune yet).
it didn't occur to me that i want different things now.
what all those things are - i'm not completely sure - but it's time to set new goals and live the life of 27yr old artsmonkey, not 22yr old artsmonkey.
at first i was depressed - i felt old. i felt like maybe my exciting life was coming to a close.
but that's silly. i wouldn't want to be 22 again.

so all that being said - i'm glad i'm on my own. i'm happy that i don't have to worry about anyone but me. i like doing what i want when i want, without feeling like i'm neglecting someone or being selfish.
i'm looking fwd to getting to know and figuring out this more grownup me (but of course not too grown up)

god doesn't want me to get laid

i had my first spanish class tonight.
i'm excited.... twice a week i will be reminded of my upcoming vacation. (3 months and counting).
but...
everyone in my class is a woman! wtf? the teacher was like "all women! this has never happened to me!" so i can't even discount this event to the thought that men don't like learning languages...
i thought this whole taking spanish classes thing might enhance my social life/give me options for extra curricular activities.... and by that i mean having deep conversations... and by that i mean communicating through the international language of 'fuck me'.

all women!
and none that i would sleep with (i gave the class a good scan) - of course i considered it - one must keep their options open... stay optimistic... don't throw in the towel right away... work with what you've got.... i mean, jesus fed a crowd by multiplying fishes and loaves of bread...
there are no fishes or loaves of bread in my spanish class.
not one loaf. or one edible fish.
maybe god would be more on my side if i went to church.
but then i wouldn't be allowed to have frivolous sex out of wedlock.
catch 22: go to church and get guilted out of cock - or - don't go to church and you're off god's wish list.
bah.
i'm switching... pagan's have orgies, right?