postcard continues

so. just got a message on facebook from boy (remember boy) who i was dating over the holidays.
"your postcard just arrived in the mail"
nice.
very nice.
i love how even my minor relationships linger...

lost interest

so i got rid of my online profile about a week ago.
the novelty has worn off.
besides, i can meet plenty of uninteresting or unattractive or old or out of shape or gay closeted men that i have no desire to sleep with the good old fashioned way.

damn valentine

i felt fine all day.
i was in a good mood.
i knew what day it was.
i did my show.
then he had to say "well, it's valentine's day, at least give me a hug"
and he got on the subway, and i walked home alone past window displays of hearts.

playing it safe

why does it feel like nothing is happening when i'm busier than i've been in months? i'm antsier than ever, i feel like things are on pause... or worse, rewind. yet i'm in a show, producing a monthly show that will start in less than a week and co-writing a screenplay.
it just feels predictable. it feels like i've done this before... well in a way, i have.
i want drastic change.
i want motivation.
i want inspiration.
i feel like i'm not pushing myself to my potential.
i'm letting myself get fat.
i need to turn things up a notch. the online dating entertained me for a bit. the tongue piercing was a brief distraction. the drunken sex put a pause in my drought. the play is placating my actor. the cabaret is filling my mental resume. the climbing gym is keeping me in moderate shape.
but these are all bandaids.
i think some serious risk taking is in order. i think i need to push my boundaries. i think i need to figure out what it is i'm doing, and jump.
so what'll it be?

a little bit of what-the-f

a couple of things.
1: i'm crazy
2: why is life on repeat?

addressing the crazy bit - the other eve i was bored/over caffinated/antsy and re-pierced my own tongue. i have a show this week. fantastic idea.
while i was piercing my own tongue i was contemplating meeting this rude online hockey guy that eve... luckily the shock of the pierced tongue caused me to call a friend and make him talk me out of the blind date... i luckily avoided crashing that crazy train.
suprisingly the tongue feels fine, probably b/c i had it pierced for 4 years.... it was closed over for 4 years since... but hey - it seems to be doing alright.
i think i'm going through some sort of mental issues....

second thing - life on repeat.
three of my exes have now gotten in touch with me via facebook. must be the valentines thing. the most recent (under the covers guy) sent me a message and is apparently now not moving to vancouver for another year and a half, is going to go to law school, and is moving into a smaller place so he can save as much money as possible.
what?
why is it that after a break up they always become motivated and ballsy? when we were dating i suggested the whole moving into a cheaper place b/c he was talking about wanting to save.... and he, of course, argued with me - saying that it wouldn't make all that much of a difference.
i think i have a "what are you doing with your life" affect on people. i don't know if it's a good thing. and it only ever comes to fruition after i've broken up with them. nice.
mr. under-the-covers is taking a big, uncomfortable, life risk. fantastic. good for him. amazing.

so now i have this lovely repor with half of my exes... good for me. ask me if i'm getting anything current? no. of course not. i do, however, have a 46 yr old man (whom i'm not attracted to) who is working on me. "want to go climbing artsmonkey?" "want to go snowboarding?"
yes! i do! but i don't want you to think that i would actually sleep with you!
bah.
it's always conditional.

one down...

so date #1 was fun. nice guy. got along. obvious to me that he's gay... not so obvious to him...
how does one deal with this situation?
he liked me. he did the hug and kiss on the cheek goodbye. he said he'd call..... um... ok?

date #2 was supposed to happen tomorrow afternoon. he cancelled. "car's in the shop still".... he lives in markham.
true?
possible.
do i care?
not a lot.

the problem of going on dates, is it reminds me that i'm not having sex....
dammit.

ps. check out the nkotb link on nosiren's blog... unless the rest of you are too young to appreciate... it's possible... ahhh... but the memories...

once more into the....

so i'm back to online dating.

i just don't like to be bored.
i constanly want to entertain myself. and if that means freaking myself out by making blind dates, then so be it.

i was discussing this with a client and a co-worker yesterday. i was explaining how this is sort of a fun hobby, and i'm not quick to respond to messages or stick with a conversation on line, b/c in the end - i don't really care about meeting anyone new. i've had a couple persistant guys who don't get the hint when i don't return a call....

then they(client and coworker) made this point: the people on line are mostly at the end of their options. they are looking for love. they are wanting each possible meeting to potentially be the one. they're serious.

is this true? because, if so, maybe i shouldn't be participating in this sport. maybe i should just drop it and leave these people alone.

the thing is, if i was looking for love - i wouldn't be doing it on line. dating and sex is one thing, love and relationships are another. i don't want to test fate when it comes to something more serious - i think that's something that should come along more organically than by an on line dating service.

but that's my opinion.

i think i have a date tonight and a different date tomorrow. i hope they aren't crazy.... or if they are, just crazy enough to give me something good to blog about.

fleeting jealousy

my one night stand posted 2 photos of him and i on facebook. he's hot. one pic isn't bad of me either.
then i noticed he posted pics of him and a hotter girl. more pics.
she stayed longer and had the fling i could've had.
she stayed longer and got the dehydrated surfer body that i was getting near the end... and if i'd stayed....

but then i remember that he was just hot.
i'm the one who left.

i'll go back next year, stay a month, surf a month, tan a month and live whatever experience i live.

well, at least i have a better rack than the blondie...
i'm so shallow.
sometimes.

where are the hot boys in toronto?

i think that hotter weather makes hotter people. i was way hotter in mexico. after i'd been there for a bit. less clothing. more sex appeal.

hmmm.... i will one day be able to travel for long amounts of time without financial consequence...
one day soon....

bah. the pics are bittersweet. i was waiting for it. i got it. and then i got the reality check.
c'est la vie.

solution??

so after a day in bed sick, i'm now anstier (is that a word?), fatter and feeling like a slug. i'm awake at 1130pm, and will probably be awake far too long considering that i have to get up at 630am. i want to move out of my apartment, i want to be more productive, i want to save money and pay off my bills, i want to be healthy, i want to be skinny.

what do do.

re arrange my room.

it's the only logical conclusion i have come to. the only thing that will provide immediate relief. the only thing that will get the computer away from my head, get me off facebook, and force me to clean.

so i moved a couple things around tonight.... tomorrow, after work, when i'm supposed to be laying in bed getting better - i will be taking everything off of my bookshelf, throwing stuff out i don't need, washing my floors, and switching the furniture around in the only configuration that i have not yet used in this shoebox i call home.

i hope it works.

here's hoping.
i figure it'll give me another few months of sanity before i have to move to a bigger place.

breathe in.... breathe out.... (cough cough... ahh... the second hand smoke wafting through my vents is pure bliss...)

off the top of my head

things on my mind.

i'm as antsy as hell.
i don't want to work today.
i'm feeling sick. i still have an ear infection, but i don't want to waste my free time going to a walk in.

i cancelled my voice lesson last minute, which is an ass thing to do, but i'm feeling half assed - and have no money, and don't want to spend the money i don't have on a lesson that wont be all that productive.

my ex, ex, ex boyfriend messaged me on facebook - just "hey, what's going on?".... he's probably about to get engaged or break up. these are the events that provoke a message to artsmonkey from an ex.

i set up an online profile again for dating... not b/c i want to date right now, but b/c i figure in a week or so i'll be in serious need/want of sex and need to cover my bases.

i don't want to go to work tonight, even though it's only 4 hrs. i'd like to not work mondays. i never want to go to work on mondays. and i always teach all classes which means there are no chances that i'll have a cancellation and get a free hr to myself.

i had weird dreams last night about swimming pools and being the other woman and dancing and being unappreciated. but in the dream i was hot and skinny...

my neighbor always plays weird indian music at this time of day. probably b/c he's from india. i'm not really a fan of the music. maybe just his specific taste.

i'm in an 'I DON'T WANNA!!!' mood. with everything. what i wanna is ice cream. what i wanna is movies. what i wanna is escapism and laziness and just fun. a slumber party would fit my mood about now. a three day slumber party.

bah. i wish i had the luxury to just hibernate through these moods. but instead i must work to pay rent, visa, bills etc. sometimes life is just too much effort.

boys stink

so, it once again seems to me that all boys are asswipes in some way, shape or form.
ok... maybe i'm being harsh... well, i am being harsh. now that i've acknowledged that...

boys are lame.
i met with boy for coffee to do the giving-back-of-stuff ritual. it was all very civilized. all very 'nice'.
among the niceties of the meeting, he very casually let me know that he was planning on moving to vancouver before i even broke things off. he was 'meaning to talk to me, but no time seemed to be appropriate.'
um. ok. don't you think this is something one brings up when one starts dating someone? like how i brought up that i was going to mexico? like how i brought up that i didn't want to jump into a relationship?
i just find the whole thing rather sleazy. faining real interest to get laid. getting all complimentary and emotional in hopes of some ego stroking. poo poo to that!
i probably would have liked him more if he had told me he was going away in the first place.

but here's the thing. (what's the thing, artsmonkey?... this is the thing...) the thing is - i don't think he was planning on moving to vancouver. he talked about it as if it was something he'd mulled over. he wasn't sold. he didn't want to go there and have to take a pay cut. i was encouraging him to go....
i don't think he had made up his mind.
i think i pushed him over the edge.
and i'm glad. b/c that means our relationship served a purpose.

but don't tell me that this was in the works from the beginning.
that's just covering your ego.
i think he was waiting to see if he and i had an actual chance.

i want to break hearts dammit! none of this "well i was going to break up with you first!" "no, II WAS!" "no, iiiiiii was!"

just be a man and admit that you're disappointed.
it's all balls.
balls i say.

i totally broke up with him first. it was my idea first.
don't steal my thunder.
the thunder is mine.
it belongs to me.
ok.
that's all. i think i've made my point.

i win.

ok. i'm done....

but i totally won.

blogaholic

i'm compelled to blog lately. even b4 my trip i was in need of blogging. but i feel like i need to space the blogs out... to build suspense...
well screw it. i'm just blogging.

so i think this little 2 month tryst with boy served a higher purpose. i wasn't sure what until i thought of sending a little email 'hi' to my ex. the one who wanted to be friends with me, and the one i wanted to kill.
i don't want to kill him anymore.
my angst towards that situation seems to have gone away.
this may be temporary... but i don't think so.
i'm now quite okay with the idea of him returning to toronto in the summer.

i guess one does have to get under someone to get over someone else.

take it as it comes

things to do:
break it off with the guy. it's not what i want.
he msn's me. i call him. done. no problem.

change of heart

i missed him when i was away.
it was great to see him when i got back.
2 nights spent together... more intense than usual.
thought i might be into the whole relationship thing with this guy.
i was getting sentimental.

something switched.
maybe it was the sex in the bedroom, under the covers with the lights off. again.
maybe it was the disappointing excursion rock climbing.
maybe it was the bat in the cave.
maybe it was the smoking.
maybe it's the way he always has to be in control.

all the flaws are jumping out at me.
there's only a vague haze left of what i was attracted to.
maybe i was just attracted to me reflected in his eyes.
maybe i just needed a boost.
i'm now boosted.

i feel trapped.
i want sex, but not with him.
i want adventure.
i want variety.
i want sunshine.
i want spontaneity.
i want it my way.
i want hard body, lights on, in the kitchen, on the table.

i don't want this anymore.

but what do i do now? he's in mid fall.

hello 2008

first day back.
things to get done.
email from my friend who's house sitting: "the landlord mentioned an eviction notice... get here soon".
so my jan cheque was dated 2007.
easy fix.
call landlord, write new cheque.
still, complaints about my cat from the neighbors.
things to do: write letter to neighbors asking to not let cat inside.... no problem.
next on the list.
go to pharmacy for morning after pill. one can never be too careful.
get to pharmacy. credit card declined.
things to do: call credit card company. easy. done. turns out i was issued a different card. my new card is at home. don't have money to get home. don't have debit card b/c it was lost in mexico.
things to do: go to bank. 20 min walk away.
no problem. run to bank get replacement debit card. done. no problem.
things to do: go back to pharmacy to pay for pill. take pill. 2 pills in 12 hrs without boy noticing.... timing will be off as can't inconspicuously take second pill in middle of night. will have to wait till boy is in shower in the am.
done. ok. no problem.

next.
laundry.
can do at boys house. almost done. next: load #2. no detergent.
things to do: go buy detergent.
done.

things to do:
contact work re: hours. done.
contact agency re: schedule. don't know schedule. email agency and say i'll keep them updated. done.
things to do: contact director re: schedule for rehearsal for bad play.
done.

what else....
go to gym... not going to happen.
have sex with boy.
done.
again.
done.
add fling as friend on facebook.
done.
wake up at boys house and start to freak out b/c i'm totally in a relationship.
done.

one thing at a time.
no problem.
i can handle it.
2006 abd 2007 were full of such craziness that all this just seems like routine.
i think i'm getting the hang of this 'real world' thing.
only took me 4 years.

i think i'm going to like 2008.

and the boy wins over the fling....

so i missed him.
but that doesn't mean i was good while i was away.
i couldn't have been... i needed to do what i would have done if single.
that was the point of going away.
to be independent. to be alone and experience traveling alone.

i'm back.
he missed me. a lot.
however i try to avoid labeling this situation it seems fairly clear upon my return that i'm in a relationship.
at least i held out til the new year.
what can you do.

once a committment phobe....

so i'm back to freak out mode.
he said:
'so we haven't talked about what we are going to do when you are in mexico'
i thought:
'ahhhhhhhh!!!! you're trying to trap me! you're trying to squash my fabulous free spirited ways!'
i calmly replied:
'whatever do you mean' (innocent bewildered look... well not quite... but you get my drift)
he said:
'well, you might meet some guys there'
i said:
'you might meet some girls here' (well played, i know...)
he said:
'i'm just wondering what you want to do'
i thought:
'i want to have hot passionate sex with foreign men without any consequences and come back here after 2 1/2 weeks to you worshiping the very ground i walk on'
i actually said:
'let's just play it by ear, see what happens'
he was quiet.

dammit.... why did he have to bring it up? just when i was starting to let down my guard.
bah.

falling

so i don't really know what happened and when... but somewhere between last post and now, my cynical side has taken a backseat to retarded behaviour such as:
- big smile across my face whenever i see boy, flutter of excitement whenever i think about boy,
- random thoughts of future life, job, and apartment with choose-your-own-adventure options for with boy and without.

i'm not well.
i'm still talking the talk of the cynic... acting all... 'whatever' and 'we'll see' and 'i don't know'. i think it's mildly convincing. i've mildly convinced myself....

i actually can pinpoint the turning point, now that i think of it.
this is what happened:
on the weekend - i spent two nights in a row with boy. was getting freaked out. boy came to see me perform. boy, me and guy friend went out for drinks. boy wanted to go home - asked if i could come with. i said no b/c of cat. he was very cool about it. but then i said goodbye, pretended to go home and then proceeded to go for 2 more pitchers with guy friend with the hopes that we would hook up so that i could confidently confirm my status as single. here's where i point out what an asshole i am...
we didn't hook up. i didn't want to. i'm not even into my guy friend. he's just my friend. any doubts i ever had about that were quickly erased that eve.
but i did get super drunk and crashed at his place. in his bed. nothing happened.
i woke up feeling like shit, both physically and emotionally. i felt like an asshole.... possibly because i am one. i missed boy.

next time i talked to boy he seemed distant. i felt panicked.
i then cleared a little space in my brain to accept the fact that i like boy. i made an effort to go see him.
next time i saw him i was toast. with butter and jam.

i noticed today that he took away his 'looking for' status on facebook.
when i used his computer the other day(when he was out) i saw that he googled a song named after me for guitar tabs. how retardedly cute is that? almost enough to vomit. almost enough to start writing his name in little hearts all over my geography binder (note obvious highschool crush reference).

i'm still not making any committments.... these things will have to wait til post mexico. just b/c i'm falling for guy is no excuse to give up potential hot situations in a foreign language.
am i right? i'm right. i'm totally right.

i'm totally cool. totally in control.
no worries.
totally fine...
shuttup! you're all judging me!
i'm so fine about all this....

2 weeks

i have two weeks and one day before i leave for mexico.
two weeks to:

-work exactly 8 more shifts.
-brush up on my spanish (this includes watching spanish movies, listening to spanish music, and doing spanish homework).
-have the hottest surf-ready body ever (this includes eating no bad food and working out every day).
-find wonderful enlightening book(s) to bring with me.
-get a base tan via artificial cancer-inducing salon.
-write exam for work so i am officially certified and don't have to stress out about it over holiday, and maybe get offered amazing job in mexico so that i don't have to come back.
-not spend all my money so that i'm not crazy broke and stressed when i return from amazing mexico.
-get travellers cheques.
-pack .
-not fall for new guy.
-not become in any way committed to new guy.
-not become attached to, dependent of, needy of. wanting more of, obsessed with or sentimentally inclined towards - new guy.
-do laundry.
-get professional bikini wax so as not to appear european in hot bikini in hot body on hot beach with hot surfers who i will have hot fantasy-type experiences with b/c i'm not in any way committed to new guy.
-make two weeks be more like 2 days in my head.

i think all these things are reasonably do-able in two weeks. no problem. i'll let you know how it all works out.

oh so predictable.

i'm starting to like him too much.
i knew this would happen.
he wants to drive me to the airport when i leave for mexico.
that's 3 weeks away.

i met his brother.
before i met him(the brother), i thought i'd end up wanting to sleep with him (because that's just how things work for me...) but i didn't.
his brother is cute and tall.
but i didn't care.
i like my guy. my guy is cuter.

two and a half weeks in mexico will hopefully start me thinking straight.
i may be getting in over my head.