i've made a conscious decision to not put myself in a box. i will wander this earth freely! i realized recently (when the possibility of leaving toronto for 8 months came up) that i've tied myself to my "goals" in a restrictive way - not that i'll abandon goal setting... it's just that i need to be more creative and free myself from my own non conventional conventions. i need to think outside the box. i need to stand on the box, under the box.... with a fox... and courtney cox.... wearing sox....
see! who knows - i could be the next dr. seus!! no?...
ok.
well - something else then.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
correction
it's haagen dazs. now i'm all spelling self conscious b/c of skinny rabbit's grammar post a while back.
damn you! i am a victim of the "creative spelling" movement in my elementary school.
i was f'd over at an early age.
damn you! i am a victim of the "creative spelling" movement in my elementary school.
i was f'd over at an early age.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
hair grows back
so i've stopped panicking for a moment to breathe, sit back, and take a look at life. financial shit i am still in, yes, but i already have big f-ing student loans - what's another few thousand dollars? i really don't know that i want my child, born from another woman's uterus, raised by some strangers - wandering around out there. who am i kidding. i don't even like to share my hagen daaz ice cream, let alone my potential offspring. those eggs are mine dammit. MINE! i'd probably go crazy and start thinking that every child that resembles me was mine, and i'd become that weirdo in the white van asking them if they wanted candy - then whisking them away.
or not.
but seriously, i think i have some other options.
and i had a really good audition... maybe i'll get a job?
i'll be okay. and my hair actually looks pretty good now and then.
or not.
but seriously, i think i have some other options.
and i had a really good audition... maybe i'll get a job?
i'll be okay. and my hair actually looks pretty good now and then.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
donations?
i'm considering... note - "considering"... being an egg donor. i'm in serious financial shiaat. is this a bad idea? i met a girl who was actually doing it - and she said, no weird side effects, except that she was super horny all the time.... great. just what i need.
but seriously... could i do it?
but seriously... could i do it?
Friday, June 23, 2006
i'm so cool
i rode past his work today and felt sick to my stomach. why do i always feel the need to act cool? like "whatever, i don't care about you - even when you are a big stupid person - it's so not even important to my ever fantastic life".
but i really want to bring my bike to a screaching halt - walk into his workplace and be like
"fuck you for not calling me! fuck you for being all obsessed with me for all of a month and then changing your goddamn mind! fuck you for making me like you and think about you all the time and tell my friends about all your quirks and weirdnesses!! you started this! what's your problem asshole?!"... and then i'd upturn a couple tables or something... i haven't worked out all the details....
but i just ride on by.
because i am very very cool.
with a less than satisfactory haircut.
but i really want to bring my bike to a screaching halt - walk into his workplace and be like
"fuck you for not calling me! fuck you for being all obsessed with me for all of a month and then changing your goddamn mind! fuck you for making me like you and think about you all the time and tell my friends about all your quirks and weirdnesses!! you started this! what's your problem asshole?!"... and then i'd upturn a couple tables or something... i haven't worked out all the details....
but i just ride on by.
because i am very very cool.
with a less than satisfactory haircut.
pride weekend
it's pride weekend and i am now living very close to the festivities. i'm kind of excited! i can go to the parade, party - and just walk home. good times.
with all my disappointments with men, i was thinking - maybe i'll pick up a lesbian this weekend. but then i thought - how do i do that? and what would they want with me when they have a city full of dykes to choose from.
maybe i'll forget this idea.
besides, i think oral sex might be a problem for me.
with all my disappointments with men, i was thinking - maybe i'll pick up a lesbian this weekend. but then i thought - how do i do that? and what would they want with me when they have a city full of dykes to choose from.
maybe i'll forget this idea.
besides, i think oral sex might be a problem for me.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
sex vs love
a quote from douglas coupland:
"somewhere, years ago, so many of us broke the link between love and sex. Once broken, it can never be fixed again."
is this true? i think i made that separation once i decided to 'liberate' myself and start acting more like a man. having sex like it was my right - like it was a hobby. like this is supposed to be a good thing, an empowering thing. now i realize that men seem to be more fucked up than women. i think it could be fixed though.
the thing is, i don't want to give up good ole recreational sex - but the next time i'm really really into someone - i think i might want it to be something more.
"somewhere, years ago, so many of us broke the link between love and sex. Once broken, it can never be fixed again."
is this true? i think i made that separation once i decided to 'liberate' myself and start acting more like a man. having sex like it was my right - like it was a hobby. like this is supposed to be a good thing, an empowering thing. now i realize that men seem to be more fucked up than women. i think it could be fixed though.
the thing is, i don't want to give up good ole recreational sex - but the next time i'm really really into someone - i think i might want it to be something more.
au revoir cheffy
i've decided to forget the chef. he didnt show to my party on friday, after he already forgot my b-day -and he hasn't called since. i also haven't called - and i don't plan on it. i'm too good for this shit.
he was clearly a rebound, and 3 months is plenty of time to be rebounding.
they call it being on the rebound.... rebounding sounds like it would be fun. wheeeee!!!! no?
i guess it sort of is... it's after the rebound part that sucks. do they have a name for that? how about 'lying on the sidewalk all squashed b/c all the air has wafted out of the hole in your bouncy ball after it got punctured by a nail?' or 'flying off the trampoline into a tree and getting impaled by sharp branches?'
but that just sounds a little negative doesn't it?
he was clearly a rebound, and 3 months is plenty of time to be rebounding.
they call it being on the rebound.... rebounding sounds like it would be fun. wheeeee!!!! no?
i guess it sort of is... it's after the rebound part that sucks. do they have a name for that? how about 'lying on the sidewalk all squashed b/c all the air has wafted out of the hole in your bouncy ball after it got punctured by a nail?' or 'flying off the trampoline into a tree and getting impaled by sharp branches?'
but that just sounds a little negative doesn't it?
hair
i got my hair cut yesterday. it's not exactly what i wanted, but close enough. it's sort of a 90's style bob... or maybe it's just my new hair cut.
my hairdresser got personal with me for the first time in 3 years. he's getting divorced, moving into a crappy appartment, his wife of 10 years was cheating on him for 5. all of a sudden he and i are friends? i've never had this type of talky talk relationship with my hairdresser. it's kind of nice.
i feel like i should make him a lasagna...
would that be wierd? he just seemed so upset.
maybe that's why the haircut was not as good...
my hairdresser got personal with me for the first time in 3 years. he's getting divorced, moving into a crappy appartment, his wife of 10 years was cheating on him for 5. all of a sudden he and i are friends? i've never had this type of talky talk relationship with my hairdresser. it's kind of nice.
i feel like i should make him a lasagna...
would that be wierd? he just seemed so upset.
maybe that's why the haircut was not as good...
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
to all my lovely blogger friends
i will be back - soon! i am a slave to brokeness and now i am subjected to the ... library!!! ahhhhh!!! i have 2 minutes and 11, 10 9..... seconds left.
but i'm getting my hair cut today! oh yeah! go visa go....
but i'm getting my hair cut today! oh yeah! go visa go....
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
he forgot my birthday.
but my ex didn't.
how is this progress?
i think i'll just give my self a big embrace and sing "all by myself" celine dion styles - but with a funky techno beat a la cher - and change the lyrics to "i want to be all by myself"
men are too high maintenance.
(note: this is a statement i will want to take back at a later date)
but my ex didn't.
how is this progress?
i think i'll just give my self a big embrace and sing "all by myself" celine dion styles - but with a funky techno beat a la cher - and change the lyrics to "i want to be all by myself"
men are too high maintenance.
(note: this is a statement i will want to take back at a later date)
all my friends are getting married
this is bizarre but expected. i am now 26 years old. i'm going to a wedding this saturday (after my fabulous party i'll be having on friday night - come to my party!). i went to a wedding about 3 weeks ago. i just got a call from a friend who just got engaged. i have 2 more friends getting married this fall. my grade 12 grad date + a bit more than a friend is expecting his first child (well, his wife is).
i'm so not even there yet.
will i ever jump on this train? i'm not opposed to it... it just seems a bit out of place in my life right now. am i heading into sex and the city territory? i don't know. if i am i hope i get the wardrobe to match asap!
30 is getting closer, and i keep wandering farther from the path of committment... although, i feel a bit closer to 'happily ever after.' i'm not anti-committment, it's just not for me at this moment. i know it is quite possible that i will get to that place again, and it is also quite possible that i will go back and forth again - and maybe again and again.
is this a bad thing? meh.
i'm so not even there yet.
will i ever jump on this train? i'm not opposed to it... it just seems a bit out of place in my life right now. am i heading into sex and the city territory? i don't know. if i am i hope i get the wardrobe to match asap!
30 is getting closer, and i keep wandering farther from the path of committment... although, i feel a bit closer to 'happily ever after.' i'm not anti-committment, it's just not for me at this moment. i know it is quite possible that i will get to that place again, and it is also quite possible that i will go back and forth again - and maybe again and again.
is this a bad thing? meh.
Monday, June 12, 2006
i miss my blog!
i've moved and now am slave to internet cafe life - it sucks - by the time i'm done checking my email and doing stuff i have to do - i have to go! and there is so much to blog about! i saw my ex, i actually saw both my exes last week - weird - my parents came to visit - i have all sorts of fun new things to say about my new home!! and i have chicken pox or hives or something - gross!!
ahhh... blog withdrawl!
now i have to go! times up!
ahhh... blog withdrawl!
now i have to go! times up!
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
boys are so weird
one day he says he's not up for a serious relationship and he values his space. i said i thought that sounded just fine to me. four days later (after not talking or seeing eachother) he offers for me to stay with him if i can't find an apartment and "we"'s me at least three times.
don't tell me that girls are weird.
don't tell me that girls are weird.
i'm sthuper, thanks for asthking
i found an apartment! finally! and i'm moving tomorrow!! yeeehaaa!!! i feel like i've been in stall mode for a month, and now someone has just released the emergence break....
here i goooooooooo!!!!!
my own grown up apartment! with my great friend and her dog, and my cat! and we're going to paint! and plant flowers in the flower boxes on the back porch!
now i don't have any more excuses for being a scatterbrain who gets nothing done... that's cool... i can handle it.
what a f%#*ing relief
here i goooooooooo!!!!!
my own grown up apartment! with my great friend and her dog, and my cat! and we're going to paint! and plant flowers in the flower boxes on the back porch!
now i don't have any more excuses for being a scatterbrain who gets nothing done... that's cool... i can handle it.
what a f%#*ing relief
Sunday, May 28, 2006
really?
"i think this is it" she said, eyes sparkling. "I just am paranoid sometimes that he might hurt me - so i pull away"
little does she know -
little does she know -
blaaaahhhh!!
i feel fat. i feel ugly... i need to get laid!
ahhh.... breathe... it will all be fine.
i may be homeless in approximately four days. appartment hunting til the last minute is uber stressful.... it will make one eat bad food and drink too much.
ahh.
at least i have the city.
ahhh.... breathe... it will all be fine.
i may be homeless in approximately four days. appartment hunting til the last minute is uber stressful.... it will make one eat bad food and drink too much.
ahh.
at least i have the city.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
the balls of honesty
turns out sometimes it pays to just say what's on your mind. my good friend, and soon to be roommie said to me today. "artsmonkey, you are a totally different person when you are talking to him - you are like this submissive little girl with a crush - i wouldn't expect that from you"
and i said "you're right!"
and i realized. it is never worth compromising who i am for someone else. no matter how much i like them. because i was starting to not like myself. it is much better to be myself and on my own - than someone i dont even recognize and be in a pseudo relationship.
so i was honest. i said to him - "this isn't me - i don't wait by the phone - i don't put up with this kind of bullshit"
and we talked.
and it didn't end or begin....
and we agreed to be honest.
and we started to set some boundaries.
yet i still get to keep my freedom.. my space...
will this actually work?
a non relationship relationship? where we are supposedly open about everything - yet still live our lives as though single?
isn't that just like having a friend?... avec benefits?
let's see what happens.....
he said "thank you for your balls"
and i said "thank you for your balls"
oh the double entendre... is that how you spell entendre?
and i said "you're right!"
and i realized. it is never worth compromising who i am for someone else. no matter how much i like them. because i was starting to not like myself. it is much better to be myself and on my own - than someone i dont even recognize and be in a pseudo relationship.
so i was honest. i said to him - "this isn't me - i don't wait by the phone - i don't put up with this kind of bullshit"
and we talked.
and it didn't end or begin....
and we agreed to be honest.
and we started to set some boundaries.
yet i still get to keep my freedom.. my space...
will this actually work?
a non relationship relationship? where we are supposedly open about everything - yet still live our lives as though single?
isn't that just like having a friend?... avec benefits?
let's see what happens.....
he said "thank you for your balls"
and i said "thank you for your balls"
oh the double entendre... is that how you spell entendre?
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