comment

i'm under the influence of possibly not just marijuana. my man and i just ate a pan of homemade brownies.
with bananas.
inside the brownies.
i was trying to find all the pieces of banana.
unfortunately that means eating through the brownie to find the banana.
a sacrifice i am willing to make.

i ask him if he ever wanted to comment on my blog.
he said yes.
i said which blog.
he covered his head in a blanket.
like a hamster.
like he's shy.
i want to know his comments.

did you know the museum is no longer free on friday nights? how will i get culture now? culture behind glass windows.
i can find culture out in the wild.
but sometimes we feel smarter if we study the contained versions.

o apothacary, thy drugs are quick

i'm going to my highschool friends wedding in an hour. i'm nervous. it's like this mini highschool reunion. i'm wearing high heels and a dress.... and nailpolish.... wtf?
i'm also going solo...
this is feels so weird to me.
why does it feel weird?
maybe i'm just weird.
well. that's a given.
help!

if i could have only handed her a scoop of the ocean, a corner of the mountain
as she lay in the street staring at the rubber tire two feet from her face, car horn in constant drone.
someone had already called 911
someone was attending her side
what else was i to do.

i ____ you

how does one express those overwhelming emotions without saying "i love you." "i love you" has so much attached to it... so much responsibility.... what other words are there? "i like you" isn't strong enough.

i like mashed potatoes, and they aren't even in my top 10 favorite food items. i also like my landlord. but i wouldn't make him a birthday card.... or go down on him...

i love a lot about life. i love my friends, my true friends. but they are friends. how do i tell a friend who is also a lover that i love them? it's a different dynamic.

one is able to have more than one friend that they love - and these friends may come and go, fade in, fade out.... but lovers arent' usually able to come and go and come back again the way friends do.
you are supposed to choose one partner - and if something separates you, and you find another lover/partner - you can't keep the one you left behind. at least not in the same way.... and you may still 'love' them - but it's no longer possible in actions.
so what words am i supposed to use to say what it is i feel?
because i want to say something.... but i don't want to jump ahead of myself.... i don't want to say something when i don't know if i can sustain it with my actions.

so i wait.
and i feel bottled up sometimes.
and you ask me what i'm thinking.
and i say "nothing"

scratch scratch

night night,
sleep tight,
don't let the bedbugs bite.
and if they do,
take a shoe,
and beat them til they're black and blue.

unfortunately bed bugs are too small to beat with a shoe and do much damage.... and they keep coming back... and they're gross!!
and once you are sleeping tight - the bed bugs will definitely bite.

why do i have bedbugs? at what point will i find peace?!!

what are you thinking?

i'm thinking nothing. nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.....
why? what are you thinking?
nothing.
nothing.

none of this is true.

but what if i use the wrong words?

money stress

why am i always broke? i budget now! i pay my goddamn phone bill! i make visa payments! yet it's always more more more! i make myself available for more hours at work, i don't buy new clothes ever, i don't go to movies, i hardly ever rent movies.... i shop at no frills!
but i am in a play.
it's almost over.
i love the theatre.
i love performing.
why won't it pay the bills?!!

oh cat.

my cat humps my stuffed animals. it was once stuffed monkey specific. unfortunately he is branching out into other types.
he does seem more relaxed lately.
yet my stuffed animals share a dirty secret.

am i getting there?

yesterday at my old place of work rehearsing for a play that opens tonight.
the bartender, whom i hadn't seen since i stopped serving there said:
"i've been hearing your name floating around - you must be getting a lot of gigs lately?"

what?! okay.... sure....

apparently my name is floating around...
it's nice to know i exist.

will power

i am sitting upstairs in his house.... resisting the chocolate brownie and pie that sits downstairs on the counter. it's for everyone. the roommate brings these things home.
what is it about food? why do i love it so much? why do i think about it? shouldn't it just be for fueling our bodies? why is it nearly as alluring as sex? and with that in mind... what's the deal with sex? cravings cravings cravings
food
sex
drugs
alchohol
attention
influence
admiration

it starts with chocolate brownie and continues somewhere past fame, fortune and ultimate world influence....

hypothetically speaking...

if one were to go to a random social gathering, and discover that one had slept with 3/4 of the heterosexual men attending.... would that make one a slut?
even if there were only 4 heterosexual men in attendance?
i don't want an answer....
i mean... one doesn't.

people.... grrrr

i hate it when stressed out people decide to smear their stressed out-ness all over you. why can't they just breathe and meditate or something? why can't they just vent to a friend? why can't they blog? or have sex? or something!!! why do they have to send emails reeking with stinky stress so that their anxiety leaps out of the screen and all over your body - infiltrating your pores until you want to scream!!!!... aaarrrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!
i feel like kicking someone.
i was having a really productive day too.
goddamn people.

so you think you can not watch 'so you think you can dance?'

i saw this show for the first time - clips of it - presented to me by neenia and bedroom prince.
it sort of turns me on.
i sort of want to make love to it.
i thought i was safe.

no one is safe!! stand back from your television... it will get you!
thank god i don't have cable.

it's been too long!

i feel a slight pang of guilt for abandoning my blog... i have excuses!! and sort of good ones!
here goes:
excuse #1 - i had a show i was writing, rehearsing for and performing in... it's now done
excuse #2 - i started a new job... yay! still not enough hours, but it's something!
excuse #3 - my sister was visiting me for 8 days - which was lots of fun - but again, taking away from blogging time
excuse #4 - i'm getting laid..... did i write that out loud?

hey... remember the time i wrote all about not wanting/ believing in a relationship right now b/c i was so fucked up over men/boys in general...
he he...
oh dear.
i'm smitten.... as a kitten? are kitten's really smitten? b/c my cat has never been smitten... even when he was a kitten - he's always been kind of a jerk actually...

but speaking of fucked up.... one of my exes who was living out east, then was living out west (so i only ran into him maybe once a year max - at which point we usually fell into old habits and had much unneccessary drama ensue) is now living a mere 2 hours from me.
wtf? but this time - i don't feel like it will have the same effect on me...
yet it is somewhat annoying.

speed of light

all of a sudden i find myself busy - morning, noon and night.
the opposite of this summer.
less anxiety
more to do
more getting done
busy busy busy.
it happened overnight....
it's as if someone pressed a fast forward button on my ass - and ZOOOOOM! here i go!!!!!!!!

following change of plan with my gut

so. the being friends thing became somewhat proposterous.
so now it's one day at a time.
but still holding out on the sex!
at least i'm thinking with my head and not my regina saskatchewan.

oh boys.

day 11

i am on day 11 of a 14 day total body fitness/nutrition program that has promised to "transform my body"
it's actually working.
i'm actually sticking to it! i didn't know i had this much will power.
i kind of really want some carbs and some chocolate.
three more days.
three more days.
my clothes are too big for me.
my boobs are shrinking at a rapid pace - thank god i had boobies to spare! i have friends who wanted them - if you can find them, they're yours! free of charge.

following my gut

so the boy i like and i have decided to be friends. great friends. i'm just not ready to be in a relationship... but if i am going to be in one, i want it to be more than just convenient.
so now's my time for me.
no excuses - no boys to get in my way.
and once i've discovered how to live my life sans unnecessary drama (which i am not used to), i think i may be ready for someone. maybe even my new friend.

my dream

i had a dream that an ostrich came to my back door. i fed him and then he came in and got a little to comfy in my kitchen. so then i tried to kick him out using the moves i saw (or dreamed i did) on the discovery channel's "what to do if you are in conflict with an ostrich" special... very self defense. that didn't work. then i was really nice to it and guided it outside. i felt bad after... and i missed the ostrich.... but i just wasn't willing to take on an ostrich for a pet. to much responsibility.

i think this is a direct reflection of how i feel about relationships right now.
thanks dream :)

fie you lack of internet!!

i will keep this brief as time is ticking.
1. i like a boy
2. women friends are never all that supportive of your weight loss/fitness goals.