maybe....

... i will go to new york and visit antsypants... i've never been to new york.
... i will wander new streets with bedroom prince and talk ideas.
... i will go dancing - i haven't gone dancing dancing in a while - when you just go to dance.
... i will help neenia bake cookies. i might even share my secret recipie.
... i will climb lots with my ex and maybe some new people too.
... i will stay true to what i believe i need right now, and not let others sway me in times of weakness.
... i will get this agent who is interested in me.
... i will wear skirts more - and buy new shoes!
... i will celebrate my 27th b-day in 11 days without the fear/depression of being closer to 30 and not having enough to show for it. because i do have stuff. lots of stuff.

three days later...

i'm feeling less panicked about the decision. i'm remembering that this wasn't a rash decision... nor was it only mine.
still feeling blah-ish.
lacking motivation.
wanting to sleep.
not wanting to work.
annoyed that the pool i swam at last fall is closed for 3 1/2 more weeks.
wondering what happens next.
hoping i can still have a good summer in spite of this change.
having a crush on john cusack's character in 'sure thing' a 1985 movie that any fan of cusack should watch.
wondering what my ex is doing, thinking, feeling.
thinking i should probably get off my computer and go do something productive.

not fun

i'm confused. i feel like a decision that was mutual has now become my decision alone. i feel like i should be moving forward - but i'm not. i'm still in the same place. and what am i moving forward from? i'm not looking for someone else. i don't want to be in a new or different relationship. i liked my relationship but for various reasons there was a need for time apart.
i think it probably comes down to me being scared shitless to jump into something 100%. i've done that before. i've put my heart completely into one person before. this time i tried to be rational. i tried to hold part of me back so that i wouldn't make any stupid decisions. i didn't want to make the same mistakes. now i don't know how to give 100%.
i feel like i'm completely f#@*d.
maybe it's the wrong person.
maybe it's the wrong time.
maybe i'm just wrong.
i really hope to god that time will tell and i haven't just shot myself in the foot.
this moment sucks.

one year ago

one year ago i was starting to get into the shitty part of an exciting rebound relationship. one year ago i was moving out with a good friend. one year ago i was unemployed. one year ago i was broke. one year ago i was broken hearted. one year ago i was complicated and restless. one year ago i was looking forward. one year ago my blogs were a little bit more fun.

now.
now i'm single.
now i'm not broke.
now i'm employed.
now i'm living completely on my own.
now i'm a little lonely.
now i'm looking forward.

i think it's time to have some more fun.

questions

when two people in a seemingly 'good' relationship break up - the people surrounding them become unsettled. one of the most diffucult things about ending a relationship is answering people's questions. and i know it shouldn't matter... but for some reason it adds to the weight of change.

isn't this supposed to be easier

i was doing okay. 24 hours. 30 hours. then the sun goes down. then there is no one else to talk to. then there are no more messages to check on facebook. then the book that i'm reading becomes exhausting. and i realize that i'm lonely. and i realize that i miss you. and i call you. and you say you'll call me back. and i hang up. and i cry.
making decisions out of practical assesment of a situation never makes it easier on the emotions.
is this the right choice? is this a bad idea? what happens next...
i'm surrounded by relationships that are not ideal. yet they continue. open relationships, long distance relationships. half assed relationships. i want something more. i want to know what i want. i want an 'aha!' moment. i don't want to settle. i don't want to just float along, existing...
but i understand why that is easier. i understand why one would choose that.
i'm looking for clarity.

11:11

it's 11:11, make a wish.
i wish i was skinnier
i wish i knew what i wanted from my relationship
i wish i had the summer off of work but still got paid
i wish i was in mexico, or paris, or vancouver or new york without a care in the world
i wish i had more motivation to do more, write more, be more
i wish my friends all lived within the same block
i wish someone would give me $1500 to pay for my fringe trip to halifax
i wish my sister would call me
i wish i had really cool clothes that always made me look fabulous
i wish i had a personal shopper to get the wardrobe for me
i wish my apartment was newly clean
i wish my next door neighbor and i were friends
i wish my mucscles didn't ache and feel sore and semi injured after a week of sticking to my fitness goals
i wish i had an agent
i wish i was in a movie
i wish my throat didn't feel like rocks
i wish my blogger friends were still dedicated to their blogs

i think i just realized something.
possibly an epiphone (sp?)... i'll have to sit on it a while b4 i come to any conclusions

advice from dad

over the past few years since i've moved out and become adult-like, there have been many times when it's just been me and my dad - talking about life. and i've had the chance to ask him advice on relationships and love. my dad isn't usually one to give advice unless asked, unlike my mom who freely flows with opinions (which i value/have engrained into me), so his words often resonate in my head at times like these. my parents have what seems to be a successful relationship. they hold hands, they do lots of stuff together, they talk -they have sex (gross/inspiring) from what i can see they are quite happy together after 30 + years - so advice from them has some clout.

from what i've gathered, these are a few things my dad believes about relationships:

-marry someone you love, whois your best friend, who has similar values.
-marry the person you would most want to spend the rest of your life with over anyone else.
-keep mutual friends.
-don't go on 'girls/boys night out' style vacations without your significant other (eg. vegas or all inclusive resorts - i think camping and outdoorsy vacations with littl potential for extra marital hookups are okay- i'm a little fuzzy on the details)
-restrict social time with friends of the opposite sex to daytime, preferably public locations - eg. lunch or coffee. dinners, drinks and eveinging home visits are generally innappropriate/potentially sending the wrong message/potentially risky.

then, of course there's the advice from mom:
-your spouse should be your best friend and have similar values
-not advisable to live with someone you don't intend to marry
-communicate
-be a unit/do things together
-it's not wise to marry someone you haven't slept with yet - just in case they are gay.

i think my parents are pretty smart. sometimes the advice torments me slightly as i am still forming my own opinions. but part of me thinks that their opinions have more value as they are in an actual life-long, happy, working relationship - where as i rarely know what the f i'm doing.

as i write this, my bf is at home with a female friend. they had a date to watch a movie that had mutual interest as they both want to work with the director. i just got a call from him around midnight, saying hi - making plans for tomorrow, and telling me that he's thinking about me. it's quite possible that he's discussed me with her. it's quite possible that he's disclosed to her that things are a little shakey (for lack of a better word) between us right now. yet this doesn't bother me at this moment. i'm not jealous/i don't feel threatned. i don't think that there's anything "going on". however, in the long run, i don't know how i feel about this type of socializing with the opposite sex. in the long run, it can't be the wisest choice. however, at this point in my life i'm thinking mostly about the present - which may be why i'm not bothered by this.
i wonder how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot?
what is the general opinion on friends of the opposite sex when in a relationship?

hooked up

i have the internet at home! yeeha! hopefully this means i will be blogging more.
see you more often friends!

i thought i had it together...

i just checked my banking online. a forgotten loan withdrawl, a bounced cheque, a climbing visa bill, a nsf fee, overdraft. fuck fuck fuck!! i thought i had my shit together! i've been so busy i haven't been paying attention to my finances. i've been eating out too much. i've bought some clothes. i guess i can't afford these things. i thought i could now. i thought with my new job that i was fine. nope.
next rant - new pics of me on facebook. why do friends post unflattering pics of you online? how is this nice? it's not!! i look weird and fat. now i feel fat. fat and financially unorganized.
and i'm hungover slightly. i was going to go to the gym. not going to happen today. not unless this headache goes away. i had plans tonight. plans that cost money. i might not be able to go. not unless i get paid.
not enough time. not enough money. not enough metabolism.
grrrr....
i want to hide under a rock.

it all passes with time

so i'm not feeling jealous anymore. i've come to a calm. i'm sure i'll be back there again, but for now it's all okay. i think that lack of communication almost always ends up in me freaking out about something. time apart does the same thing. lack of quality time together. remember to stop and smell the roses, right? that's kind of hard to do when we don't get spring til june.
i like reading my friends blogs. i like this little community. it's reassuring. facebook is not like that. facebook is more surface. small talk. i get bored with small talk. i enjoy facebook for what it is - but it's like reading a glossy magazine vs reading a great novel.
today is the kind of day that i would like to last for longer. it's a sleepy day after a long day of productivity. a day where i want to sit and watch tv and eat comfort food and cuddle and have sex. unfortunately i work all day tomorrow. work is good. work is money. but if i had extra money, i would take tomorrow off. i would sit at home. i would make pancakes. i would go window shopping. i would cut my toenails and maybe dust my furnature.
sometimes i think there is more than one person inhabiting my body. my moods change so drastically.
maybe i am insane.
that would be interesting. to be insane - but not find out until you were like 80 years old.
what is going on with this blog?
it's a weird boring self conscious blog.
i'm having fun writing it.
not like disney land fun.
but fun.
actually, more fun than disney land. because i don't have to stand in a line up.
i hate lineups. it's the aspect of waiting.
i don't like waiting.
i like doing.
i think i'd love lineups if i always got to budge to the front. then it would be fun. passing all the people. looking at how they wait.
i think i'm going to go eat or drink something.

irrationality

i don't know what's wrong with me. i've never been a jealous/insecure person before on more than a momentary basis. i've rarely cared if a boyfriend has female friends, or looks at porn or thinks my friends are cute. yet for some reason all of these things in my current relationship make me want to scream and cry and puke. i actually have a full bodied physical reaction. there is definitely something wrong with me. i'm being highly irrational. what do i do about this? this is clearly my problem, not his... so what do i do! somebody help me!!

unexpected day

i got mugged. mugged you say? mugged. sort of. i wiped out on my bike big time. that hurt. i was in cracktown, the canadian ghetto, the projects.... regent park-ish - whatever. bad bad bad place to wipe out on your bike. my basket wasnt fastned down. it fell. it pulled my bike over. i went down with it. in the middle of the day. crazy crack people came over - yelled at me to get up. one tried to help. grabbed my bike w/ my bag in it - i had a hard time walking. i got my bike -after some other guy came and grabbed the bag out of my basket. with my wallet in it. "give me back my bag!" "all my stuff's in there" "fuck off bitch" "i'll shoot you" no one cared. everyone just watched. everything seemed out of focus. fiction. a bad movie. i called my bf. "where are you? call the police" "911 - hello - i just had my bag stolen by a guy on a bike" "where are you? do you have a description? what was in your bag? where did he go?" i call work "i can't come in to work. i got mugged. i'm okay. i called the police." i cling to my bike and walk to a corner store. there's nowhere to lock my bike. i press my bike to a fence and lean on it. i realized that i slightly peed myself. i feel like a moron. a stupid white girl upper middle class idiot. my pants are torn. i'm bruised. my bf shows up. the police show up. lots of questions. lots of calling banks and cancelling credit cards. my day's been thrown off. a bunch of my play posters are in the bag. they are worth money. my bag is long gone. maybe someone will find the bag and come see my play.
just a day.
bad location to fall off a bike. bad timing.

"i am stary eyed and vaguely discontented..."

spring is in the air. the cold winter-like air. but it's here. the antsyness. the anticipation of what? something. my show opening in less than 3 weeks. my sister and my parents visiting. the show ending. the extra free time after the show. what will i do? what will life be like? will i actually give myself the free time that i'd like?
this time of year always comes with ants in the pants. i'm always just slightly bored. feeling a little bit reckless. i want new clothes. i want to pierce something. i want to lose weight. i want to eat a giant pie with icecream. i want to go somewhere. i want to meet someone new. i want more stimulation. but i'm too antsy and restless to actually get things done.
when i'm rich, i will just fly off in my private jet at times like this. or buy a random ticket to somewhere and only bring a credit card. i'll write stories. i'll run around and scream in exotic locations.
i suppose i could run around and scream on the danforth.
not as exciting - is it?
what is that? spring fever. it's times like this that i remember that we are just animals responding to our natural instincts. animals! all of us.

faith

i feel slightly ill. i started a 30 day cleanse yesterday. it's kicking my ass.
i felt blah all day today - until i went to work. i was dreading work. i wanted to sit at home and mope. but then i went to my job, and i remembered "hey, i like my job!" unfortunately i got a headache and the last hour and a half was a bit tedious - but not b/c of the work.
my bf and i had a conversation last night. about fears. about us. we have these conversations sometimes. they are good b/c they connect us. i think he's a wonderful person... a wonderful person for me. i'm waiting for the day that i can believe in fairytales again... that i can believe in "love conquering all" and "meant to be" and "soulmates". he's worthy of all these things - but i'm still cynical.
it's hard to restore beliefs 100% when they've been shaken. i used to believe in things so strongly, with such conviction. now i protect myself. i don't committ. i wait and see. that's not good enough. how do i get it back?

goodtimes on my own

i'm starting to settle into living alone. i like it! i don't have to share! i never liked sharing. i was always taught to share - so it's not my parents fault. i clearly was born with a "doesn't like to share" gene. i can't help it. i don't even really like sharing with my cat. his litter box is under the sink in the bathroom. he likes to kick his shit out of his litter box. i think he does it to piss me off. how would he like it if i did my business beside the toilet? i think he would find it insulting. at least he hasn't yet rolled his turds over to my bedroom area. he used to do that when i lived in a basement apartment. i don't think he liked it there. why do animals get away with leaving their shit around when they're pissed off? if i did that i wouldn't have any friends. my cat, however has friends. people like him. even cats like him. it must be his stunning personality.

all by myself

i've moved out on my own. it hasn't really sunk in. i live closer to work. i don't know if that's a good thing. the commute is short. but it's also weird b/c i'm so used to that neighborhood being associated with work, that i haven't yet figured out how to remove work from my mind when i'm in my own area. if that makes sense.... and i'm farther away from my bf. so we see eachother a bit less. and i haven't quite figured my way around the area yet. i don't have a routine for buying groceries etc. i feel like i'm alone more often - which i am - and i think that's a good thing - but it takes some getting used to.... so now i'm at my bf's place - he's not here - and i'm watching connie and carla go to vegas... or something like that - and blogging, and trying to do some work... or something. clearly avoiding my quiet aloneness at my place. maybe i need cable.
cable is the devil.
i also just ate half a tub of icecream. there's been a lot more of that going on lately.
i suppose all this just takes some adjusting to.
being on my own is empowering - but it's also kind of scary - it's like i don't have backup anymore. roommates are kind of like family - and now i dont live with family anymore.

having your bf read your blog regularily can actually be a good thing. i guess what they say about communication is true.

post from the past

okay. so i've decided to post the post that i didn't post... all in the spirit of what a blog should be. also - my issues in my past post are still in my head. so here it is:
feb 23rd, 2007.
i've gotten myself all worked up. i was talking to my bf about 'when harry met sally' - or he brought it up - can't remember - re: how all men want to sleep with their female friends. which i replied "do you?" and he said 'of course - don't you have fantasy people?" which of course made me want to throw up in my mouth. i said "well, yeah, sort of - but nothing consistent." i just can't get these comments out of my head. i can't stand the thought of him thinking about these other women. i'm obsessed with it. it's eating me up. and i said "i know who they are too" and i named a few - and he didn't deny. he didn't say anything at all. and i wanted to cry. he was just being honest. at least my other boyfriends had the decency to lie - or if they dont they tag it with "but none of them are as hot or sexy as you" - at least i got that. and now i feel terribly insecure. i want to rip out my hair. so last night he initiated and i just couldn't get into it - i told him to stop. i couldn't get into it b/c i just was thinking he'd be thinking about how hot it might be with someone else. and yes i think about other guys here and there - sometimes more frequently than others - but to be honest, i can't get past the first kiss in the fantasy unless my bf is in the fantasy too - it's like i can't do it - i'd have to force my mind to go there. i've always had a hard time thinking about a full out fantasy with someone i'm not involved with. but i know what goes through my head when i interact w/ a guy i'm attracted to - i know. so i know what people think about. and i'm afraid. i'm afraid that love wont conquer all - and i have a hard time believing in love because i've had it crumble before - and i've crumbled before and let myself down. the only thing i know to be consistent is lust, desire, fantasy - i know how to play these games - i can predict what the outcome will be - but with love - i don't know. i just don't know. but i don't tell my bf if i think about another guy - b/c it poses no true threat - b/c even inf i was single i probably wouldn't pursue these people. and he doesn't need to be thinking about these things anyway - there's no way it could strengthen our relationship.
does he get jealous? he doesn't act like he does. all he says is that he trusts me. and he loves me. and that he chooses to be with me. with me. but i worry that i'll never be the fantasy for him. i'll be the fantasy for other guys - other guys with girlfriends. and those guys girlfriends will be fantasy for someone else.... why is it that we all want what we can't have?

let down

i fucked up my audition. the one that mattered. well, it was ok. but not good enough. blah!
and on a side note - i had written down a blog to post - b/c i was all worked up about fidelity, and jealousy and monogamy and fantasy and reality and expectations of love. but i'm not so worked up about it anymore. so now it's just there - on a piece of paper. i missed my emotional window to blog.
i hate it when that happens.