aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggg!!!!!

you know when you're feeling all good about yourself, actually not feeling like a fat ugly cow, and then you see pics of yourself that make you look like a fat ugly cow??? yep. that's sort of just what's going on with me. all sorts of fat ugly cow pics of me on facebook. fantastic. i look pregnant and nasty.
next thing:
my exes accountant called me last night at 10pm (wtf?) for tax info re: the show we did together, and now he wants me to mail him receipts and shit. bah! i don't even do my own taxes properly! leave me alone! i need those receipts for when i get audited and have to try not to go to jail for financial negligence dammit!! i hate dealing with anything that has to do with money - let alone having to deal with other people's money.
i can't handle this right now.
next thing:
i leave in a month. a month!! and i have to deal with trying to get rid of all my stuff, find storage for the stuff i want to keep, figure out my finances b4 i go and - now - i have to go to bc for 2 days in the midst of it all to be maid of honour at sister's impromptu wedding!!! (which of course i'm totally there, but a little bit bad timing...)
so of course i'm in a big panic now and am wasting the days i have time to take care of these things by totally flipping out.

flipping out!!!!!
i could really stand to have some angry sex right now.
anyone?

let's just keep this between us...

hey blog friends. i'm starting a blog for my travels - just a heads up.... maybe better not to comment (with your current id's)on the travel blogs in case i happen to be linked back to this blog - as the other blog is totally public....
yeah.
that's all.
i'll still blog here too...
ok.

mom vs dad

i just got off the phone with my dad and now i'm all stressed out about my trip. he called re: my finances. he let me know that he figured i planned my trip about six months sooner than i could actually afford it. he had his 'concerned' voice on.
i don't want my dad to worry about me. i don't think he wants me to do this. all three times i've talked to him on the phone he sounds worried and almost annoyed at me.
but i know i'm supposed to do this.
i don't have doubts about it.
it just sucks that i know my dad probably thinks i'm being totally irresponsible.
i told him i was aware of my finances. i told him i was aware that i'd be in debt when i get back. i'm completely okay with that. this is worth it to me.
i think he thinks i'm crazy and retarded.

he was the one who pushed me toward a university degree. a practical but relatively useless tool. glad i have it, but don't know that i'd be worse off without it... i'd probably just be in less debt.
i can't trust that dad knows best in all situations.
i don't actually think that parents really know best once their kids grow up.
not that they don't know things.... but their knowledge is overshadowed by their need to protect.

my mom on the other hand seems to get it. i explained to her that this is something i feel i was meant to do, and meant to do now. my mom gets those kinds of things.

funny how i am usually more open to my dad as he is less likely to state an opinion or openly judge.... but in this case it's different.

bah! i was relaxed.... i was feeling a sense of calm - which is hard to feel when you're completely about to uproot your entire life... now i feel shitty. now i can't sleep. now i feel like i need to prepare everything now.... which i can't b/c it's midnight and i have to work tomorrow at 730am.

grrrr!!!!!!!

cramming it all in

i got to be an actor today.
on film.
it was great.
i'm exhausted now.
but it was great.
i'd love it if that was actually my job.

now that i've decided to leave, i'm enjoying being here more.
i see my friends more.
i talk to my family more.
i have freedom with my creativity.
i'm not locked down by anything.

if i hadn't decided to leave, these things wouldn't be what they are.
time is going to fly.
time is flying.
where is the time?

my happy list

i wrote a list like this once... but it was my 'things i am passionate about' list. same difference. anyhoo - i figure i need to do this so here goes off the top of my head:

my fuzzy cat sleeping at the end of my bed.
my guitar.
learning a song i already know but singing it in a new way on my guitar.
movies that make me cry in a good way. like juno.
my friends.
when a friend posts a hot pic of me on facebook on a day i'm feeling like a fatty.
sunshine.
cheese with apples or peanut butter with apples.
travel.
fantasizing about travel.
guinness.
performing fun funny stuff.
having lots of cool people show up to my show.
a party that suprises me by being super fun when i thought it would be lame.
sitting around hungover with girlfriends eating and talking all day in pj's.
climbing a really tough route and making it to the top.
late cancelations at work and still getting paid for it.
pie.
running outside when my body isn't hurting.
talking on the phone to my sister.
younger boys who hit on me.
musicians.
getting up early enough to have a non-rushed breakfast before work.
a co-worker going for a coffee run.
coffee at jet fuel in cabbagetown.
visiting family.
writing something new.
checking stuff off of my things to do list.
inside jokes.
figuring it out.
watching my hot friends be in hot shows.
letting it all hang out.
wine and cheese and great conversations.
knowing that i'm having an adventure.

all new

so i've left my blog for a while. been doing other writing i guess. lots has changed with me.
such as...

i'm giving up my apartment.
i'm 'lending' my cat to a friend for a while.
i'm leaving the country for 6 and a half months.
i'm leaving my acting career for a while.... and i suppose my agency for a while.
leaving my job.
going to travel alone through mexico and central america.
going to volunteer in honduras for 5 months.
going to create an arts program for kids in a country where i don't really speak their language.
all by the seat of my pants.

don't know what i'm going to do when i get back.
not really sure what i'm going to do while i'm gone.
not sure how i'm going to be ok financially.
not sure how safe i'll be. or how healthy.

but a lightbulb went on a couple of weeks ago and a voice said i had to go do this.
so i am.
and i'm totally freaked out.

in a shell

i'm floating outside of my body and avoiding.
avoiding responsibility.
but that's not it.
avoiding possibility.
responsibility is easy these days.

i understand hermits.
to a certain extent.

i'm a bit of a liar.
i'm a bit of a failure.
a bit of a success.
i know how to play free falling on the guitar.

i'm getting spring fever and the older men can't cure me. not even the cute ones who sleep on the couch.

i'm trying not to be such a pussy.
i suppose i shouldn't use that derogatory term.
after all, i did just spend seven dollars and fifty cents on a feminist magazine.

i'm left behind.
i've jumped ahead
i'm stalling.
fear of failure.
fear of success.
fear of change.
fear of getting older and all of it just being the same.

and the wrinkles on my face are becoming consistently noticeable.... although when i'm 60 i'll look back and say.
i was so young then.
i was so young.

random boy updates in point form

a list of things in my life that should have very little bearing, but for some reason stick to the forefront of my brain....
1. my ex ex ex boyfriend (the one who randomly messaged me on facebook about a month ago) is engaged. to be expected. seems reasonable.
2. hairclip boy a.k.a. under-the-covers guy showed up to my show last night right near the end, stayed to have a drink with me, then very abruptly left as soon as he finished his beer... not sure what that was all about.
3. random dude that i don't know, but knows the man i climb with, showed up to my show last night and now i may have another climbing partner... i'm a little weirded out as he joined both of my groups on facebook - one which really has no relevance anymore. stalker? possibly.
4. my ex's best friend contacted me and wants to 'socialize'. offered to buy drinks. hmmm.
5. this is more of a summary than a point - but i seem to be consistently gaining male 'friends' with fairly obvious alternative motives with whom i have no desire to have any sort of non-friend relationship with. more so than usual. like lots. i wonder if the universe is shoving these men in my face to say "you've used up all the ones with potential, and this is all that's left! too bad for you!"

it annoys me that i still focus on the opposite sex/ relationship drama... i've been writing about this shit since grade six.
i think it's time to put it to good use.
i think maybe it's time to write a play about it. if only to feel like it all has some sort of purpose.

tact

when someone says they'd like to kiss you. ... and you don't want to kiss them.... what's the most tactful way to refuse?
so far i tend to just go with "um... i think i'll have to say no..."

i think i'm lacking in the appropriate response category....

all good things

this blogging circle is starting to get pretty thin. the enthusiasm at which we all used to write has died down. it used to be a huge forum for discussion and sharing - we all started it apart, and it brought us together.
lately the gaps of time get larger between bursts of blogging. our comaradarie has begun to wane.... which when you think of it, makes sense - seeing as it really was about individuals in the beginning... we just happened to form a like-minded group.
i've noticed in general lately that things are shifting. with everything.
it seems like time is standing still, and nothing is progressing, nothing is changing.
i feel stuck.
but when i look at the evidence, everything is changing. everything is moving.
including circles of friends.
it's that time again where pieces start to break off, and each part becomes individual again.... looking for a new circle to latch onto.
it's not a bad thing.
it's just the nature of evolution. the nature of change.

patience

i need to learn how to be patient.
exciting and new things can't possibly happen every second of the day.

ask and you shall receive

i had forgotten about the power of prayer.
and i'm not talking religion. i'm not talking church. i'm not talking anything but simply opening up and asking.... asking someone, god, whomever, the universe, myself... whatever you want to call it.
asking for help.
asking for a clear path.
call it meditation. call it whatever you want. i call it prayer.
it's something i used to do when i was a kid nearly every night.
somewhere i stopped.
probably in my rejection of church and my former beliefs.

the other day i sat down, upset, lost, bored - feeling stuck. and i asked and questioned and talked. i asked for openings, for chances, for intuition. i felt a sense of relief.
the next day i got a call that i had 2 auditions.
a couple days later, feeling all jumbled and upset again i sat and did the same thing. talk, asked, questioned. i was feeling stressed about a creative project with a friend/colleague. i was feeling helpless about the outcome of an audition.
the next day the exact worry i had with that colleague was resolved by her approaching me on the subject i didn't know how to bring up. on the same day i got a call back for an audition.

there's something to be said about all this.
i don't know what it is... maybe just taking actual time to stop, think, question and be true to yourself. synchronicity perhaps.

i think i need to make a habit of this.

whine whine whine

so i'm guessing the tub of haagen daaz isn't included in my no-carb diet plan.... oops.
i cracked - what can i say?

i have stuff i need to get done. stuff. writing stuff. promo stuff.
i'm lazy.
thinking of ways to escape.

dishes need to be done...
stuff.
boo to stuff!

i want to sit and eat and watch t.v.
if only i had cable.

i'm waiting for a thunderbolt of excitement to come crashing down from the sky.
boom!!
wait for it.... wait for it.... wait for it....

nope.
nothing.
totally boring.

postcard continues

so. just got a message on facebook from boy (remember boy) who i was dating over the holidays.
"your postcard just arrived in the mail"
nice.
very nice.
i love how even my minor relationships linger...

lost interest

so i got rid of my online profile about a week ago.
the novelty has worn off.
besides, i can meet plenty of uninteresting or unattractive or old or out of shape or gay closeted men that i have no desire to sleep with the good old fashioned way.

damn valentine

i felt fine all day.
i was in a good mood.
i knew what day it was.
i did my show.
then he had to say "well, it's valentine's day, at least give me a hug"
and he got on the subway, and i walked home alone past window displays of hearts.

playing it safe

why does it feel like nothing is happening when i'm busier than i've been in months? i'm antsier than ever, i feel like things are on pause... or worse, rewind. yet i'm in a show, producing a monthly show that will start in less than a week and co-writing a screenplay.
it just feels predictable. it feels like i've done this before... well in a way, i have.
i want drastic change.
i want motivation.
i want inspiration.
i feel like i'm not pushing myself to my potential.
i'm letting myself get fat.
i need to turn things up a notch. the online dating entertained me for a bit. the tongue piercing was a brief distraction. the drunken sex put a pause in my drought. the play is placating my actor. the cabaret is filling my mental resume. the climbing gym is keeping me in moderate shape.
but these are all bandaids.
i think some serious risk taking is in order. i think i need to push my boundaries. i think i need to figure out what it is i'm doing, and jump.
so what'll it be?

a little bit of what-the-f

a couple of things.
1: i'm crazy
2: why is life on repeat?

addressing the crazy bit - the other eve i was bored/over caffinated/antsy and re-pierced my own tongue. i have a show this week. fantastic idea.
while i was piercing my own tongue i was contemplating meeting this rude online hockey guy that eve... luckily the shock of the pierced tongue caused me to call a friend and make him talk me out of the blind date... i luckily avoided crashing that crazy train.
suprisingly the tongue feels fine, probably b/c i had it pierced for 4 years.... it was closed over for 4 years since... but hey - it seems to be doing alright.
i think i'm going through some sort of mental issues....

second thing - life on repeat.
three of my exes have now gotten in touch with me via facebook. must be the valentines thing. the most recent (under the covers guy) sent me a message and is apparently now not moving to vancouver for another year and a half, is going to go to law school, and is moving into a smaller place so he can save as much money as possible.
what?
why is it that after a break up they always become motivated and ballsy? when we were dating i suggested the whole moving into a cheaper place b/c he was talking about wanting to save.... and he, of course, argued with me - saying that it wouldn't make all that much of a difference.
i think i have a "what are you doing with your life" affect on people. i don't know if it's a good thing. and it only ever comes to fruition after i've broken up with them. nice.
mr. under-the-covers is taking a big, uncomfortable, life risk. fantastic. good for him. amazing.

so now i have this lovely repor with half of my exes... good for me. ask me if i'm getting anything current? no. of course not. i do, however, have a 46 yr old man (whom i'm not attracted to) who is working on me. "want to go climbing artsmonkey?" "want to go snowboarding?"
yes! i do! but i don't want you to think that i would actually sleep with you!
bah.
it's always conditional.

one down...

so date #1 was fun. nice guy. got along. obvious to me that he's gay... not so obvious to him...
how does one deal with this situation?
he liked me. he did the hug and kiss on the cheek goodbye. he said he'd call..... um... ok?

date #2 was supposed to happen tomorrow afternoon. he cancelled. "car's in the shop still".... he lives in markham.
true?
possible.
do i care?
not a lot.

the problem of going on dates, is it reminds me that i'm not having sex....
dammit.

ps. check out the nkotb link on nosiren's blog... unless the rest of you are too young to appreciate... it's possible... ahhh... but the memories...

once more into the....

so i'm back to online dating.

i just don't like to be bored.
i constanly want to entertain myself. and if that means freaking myself out by making blind dates, then so be it.

i was discussing this with a client and a co-worker yesterday. i was explaining how this is sort of a fun hobby, and i'm not quick to respond to messages or stick with a conversation on line, b/c in the end - i don't really care about meeting anyone new. i've had a couple persistant guys who don't get the hint when i don't return a call....

then they(client and coworker) made this point: the people on line are mostly at the end of their options. they are looking for love. they are wanting each possible meeting to potentially be the one. they're serious.

is this true? because, if so, maybe i shouldn't be participating in this sport. maybe i should just drop it and leave these people alone.

the thing is, if i was looking for love - i wouldn't be doing it on line. dating and sex is one thing, love and relationships are another. i don't want to test fate when it comes to something more serious - i think that's something that should come along more organically than by an on line dating service.

but that's my opinion.

i think i have a date tonight and a different date tomorrow. i hope they aren't crazy.... or if they are, just crazy enough to give me something good to blog about.