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i'm under the influence of possibly not just marijuana. my man and i just ate a pan of homemade brownies.
with bananas.
inside the brownies.
i was trying to find all the pieces of banana.
unfortunately that means eating through the brownie to find the banana.
a sacrifice i am willing to make.

i ask him if he ever wanted to comment on my blog.
he said yes.
i said which blog.
he covered his head in a blanket.
like a hamster.
like he's shy.
i want to know his comments.

did you know the museum is no longer free on friday nights? how will i get culture now? culture behind glass windows.
i can find culture out in the wild.
but sometimes we feel smarter if we study the contained versions.

o apothacary, thy drugs are quick

i'm going to my highschool friends wedding in an hour. i'm nervous. it's like this mini highschool reunion. i'm wearing high heels and a dress.... and nailpolish.... wtf?
i'm also going solo...
this is feels so weird to me.
why does it feel weird?
maybe i'm just weird.
well. that's a given.
help!

if i could have only handed her a scoop of the ocean, a corner of the mountain
as she lay in the street staring at the rubber tire two feet from her face, car horn in constant drone.
someone had already called 911
someone was attending her side
what else was i to do.

i ____ you

how does one express those overwhelming emotions without saying "i love you." "i love you" has so much attached to it... so much responsibility.... what other words are there? "i like you" isn't strong enough.

i like mashed potatoes, and they aren't even in my top 10 favorite food items. i also like my landlord. but i wouldn't make him a birthday card.... or go down on him...

i love a lot about life. i love my friends, my true friends. but they are friends. how do i tell a friend who is also a lover that i love them? it's a different dynamic.

one is able to have more than one friend that they love - and these friends may come and go, fade in, fade out.... but lovers arent' usually able to come and go and come back again the way friends do.
you are supposed to choose one partner - and if something separates you, and you find another lover/partner - you can't keep the one you left behind. at least not in the same way.... and you may still 'love' them - but it's no longer possible in actions.
so what words am i supposed to use to say what it is i feel?
because i want to say something.... but i don't want to jump ahead of myself.... i don't want to say something when i don't know if i can sustain it with my actions.

so i wait.
and i feel bottled up sometimes.
and you ask me what i'm thinking.
and i say "nothing"

scratch scratch

night night,
sleep tight,
don't let the bedbugs bite.
and if they do,
take a shoe,
and beat them til they're black and blue.

unfortunately bed bugs are too small to beat with a shoe and do much damage.... and they keep coming back... and they're gross!!
and once you are sleeping tight - the bed bugs will definitely bite.

why do i have bedbugs? at what point will i find peace?!!

what are you thinking?

i'm thinking nothing. nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.....
why? what are you thinking?
nothing.
nothing.

none of this is true.

but what if i use the wrong words?

money stress

why am i always broke? i budget now! i pay my goddamn phone bill! i make visa payments! yet it's always more more more! i make myself available for more hours at work, i don't buy new clothes ever, i don't go to movies, i hardly ever rent movies.... i shop at no frills!
but i am in a play.
it's almost over.
i love the theatre.
i love performing.
why won't it pay the bills?!!

oh cat.

my cat humps my stuffed animals. it was once stuffed monkey specific. unfortunately he is branching out into other types.
he does seem more relaxed lately.
yet my stuffed animals share a dirty secret.