understanding

i think my ex finally gets it. he understands that he's my ex and not my best friend. of course, because he is so morally superior to me - he considers me a friend first, and an ex second.
i consider him an ex first - and i'm okay with that.
and he gets it.
horrah!
freedom.

exhole

i emailed my ex bf - whom i'm still friends with on occassion, and asked him not to read my blog anymore b/c it made me feel restricted. totally valid.
so he f#@&ing calls me at 1:20am b/c he wants to talk about it - knowing that i work at 730am the next day! i woke up, didn't answer - but then i was up and down all night and woke up feeling grumpy and tired. so not cool! so not cool at all!! 1:20 in the goddamn morning? is it really that urgent? ahhhhhhhh!!!! (as you can see i'm still filled with the rage one experiences after an interrupted, much needed sleep).
what the hell was he thinking??
why can't i just have a normal ex that hates me?

the internet is decieving

so online guy wasn't what he was advertising.
a bit of a disappointment.
a bit of a relief.
could have friend potential - but it seems obvious that friends is not what he's looking for.
seemed like a sweet guy.
just really young, and nervous, and trying to hard... and a mini lisp....
possible potential... but i dunno...
weird.
maybe the internet guy is there under the nervous first date guy... who knows.

little bit lonely

today is the first day in a long stretch where i've felt lonely. like lonely single lonely. it's not overwhelming - just a twinge.
i have a date tonight. someone i've been out with once before. seems like a really nice guy - someone i would be friends with. i'm actually hoping that's all it amounts to, is friendship, because i'm not sure if i'm attracted to him. although i've only met him once.... the thought of having a 'nice time' with someone i've just met could be part of the source of this new lonley feeling. or maybe it's because the world just slowed down for me today after whizzing around my head. or maybe it's because my friend canceled dinner plans on me at the last minute. or maybe it's because i had sex last night after a moderate dry spell (with a total mutual understanding that we don't want to get involved) and had the taste of something physical again... but just physical... or maybe i'm just tired.
i have an on line crush. this may be either part of source of lonliness, or a byproduct of... i'm supposed to meet him tomorrow. part of me hopes that we don't click in person. or at least not physically... because on paper, he's my exact type - a photographer (hot), adventure photographer (even hotter), rock climber (hot), super active and outdoorsy (hot), a year younger than me (very hot), is environmentally concious(hot), has his own business, his own house and seemingly is successful before the age of 30 (hot/makes me a teeny jealous).
so you see this would be a problem if i end up being super attracted to him as i don't want to be in a relationship.
but then this little enemy called lonliness sneaks up and makes it seem just a little bit appealing.
i just haven't had any luck with those relationship things for such a long time that i've thrown in the towel.... at least for the time being.

well, anyway, this blog is a bit rambly...
i'm sure i'll go back to non lonely by tomorrow.

torn

i'm at a point where i want to reduce my dayjob hours (again) and start being a writer/actor full time. this has always been my long term goal - but the past couple of weeks have made me want it now.
i've already reduced my dayjob hours.
and i like my dayjob - it's great.
but i have all these new opportunites to actually have my writing produced. i have 4 new projects to work on... actually 5... but i've only started 3 ... but the thing is - i want to write. i don't even care that i'm not getting auditions right now. i get to perform on my own (not for pay) in film and on stage anyway.
and i've been sick the past 4 days. i wish i had the money to tell my work to book me off for the next week so i can stay in bed, regain my health, and write write write.
i need to figure out how to do this.
how can i afford to do this??
i'd be happy to do two shifts at my work per week. but that wouldn't be nearly enough money.
i need to book a commercial.
i'd need to get an audition for that to happen.
bah.
i feel all antsy and jumpy inside.
maybe i could get a grant.
maybe i'll call margaret atwood and ask her for one of hers.
good idea.
"hi, margaret? yes. this is artsmonkey... um, you don't know me, but i was wondering if i could have one of your grants...... yeah? .... you don't mind?.... great... i appreciate this!... bye!"
easy as pie.

almost famous

I want to write. i want to do. my input is becoming output.
i have this new director friend who likes working with me.
someone who i like and respect as a director wants to work with me - a lot! craziness.
i'll be filming this scene soon for her directors reel.
i'll have to flirt, laugh, cry, be terrified, be in bed with a man, try to escape murder, try to stop a suicide.
huge test of acting chops.
i'm terrified.
but i'm soooo going to do it.
aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!
one fantasises about living out these moments on film.
then it is presented to you.
it's now or never.
just go.

date and the city

i had a date.
i have no serious interest in this person.
not even sure if i'm that attracted.
but i had a date!
i learned that on dates, men open doors for women, pay for things (also allow you to pay for some things), help you on with your coat and contact you the day after to say they enjoyed themselves.
hm.
weird hey?
who knew?
i think i like this 'dating' thing.
before when i dated - i was looking for love. i didn't really admit it, but i was. i was looking for 'the one'. so if the date wasn't good, it was depressing. if it wasn't great it was depressing. if i wasn't super into the guy - it was depressing.
now i can just enjoy it for what it is.
i say 'i don't want a relationship'
and now no expectations.
at all.
fun.

more evidence of age

i was at the gym this evening doing some stretching/pilates after a jog. in the same room as me were a cute boxing guy using one of the punching bags and 20-23 yr old cute girl with dancers legs. she was wearing a pink tee shirt and shorts, and was doing some exersises/stretches that gave evidence of a dance background - most likely jazz. i suddenly wished i was wearing shorts and a pink tee shirt.
i was at the side of the room doing some conservative exercises to work on strengthening some necessary muscles to avoid the aches and pains i've been experiencing b/c of jogging... nothing fancy or sexy about it.
the cute girl went through a series of sit ups and push ups and finally started sliding into the splits.
i used to do the splits at the gym.
before i tore my adductor muscles in jazz class.
she was tanned.
i used to tan.
before my dermatologist told me to never again venture into the sun and if i had to i should wear a tent.
guess who the cute boxer guy started talking to?
i remember when the cute boxing guys would come over and talk to me after watching me 'work out'.
i found it somewhat flattering but also kind of annoying.
"i wish i was that flexible"
"can you give me any pointers for stretches?"
god that was annoying. i'm not an object! i know what you're thinking!

i miss that.

funny. i could probably give them more advice now - given my pilates experience.
but i think the splits is better advertising.
for more than just stretching advice.

i think i need to start working on my splits.
maybe i'll ease into it at home.
i wouldn't want to pull anything in public... definitely not good advertising.

ladies who lunch

this woman who directed a documentary i was in last year keeps sending out emails to, i'm assuming, all her female contacts.
these emails are regarding social events that she is trying to organize for "womyn"
she spells it like that:
"womyn"
is that not like nails on a chalk board?!!! gahhhhh!!!!
stuff like "movies for my womyn friends about womyn so us womyn can get together and discuss what it is to be womyn."....blah blah blah
garrrrrghghghgh!!!
so i delete them b/c it takes all the power in me to even skim the email without throwing myself off a building and impailing myself on a lamp post.
but wait - now she just sent me a personal email!
"hey artsmonkey, did you get my email about the upcoming movie date for womyn?"
bahhh!!
yes! but i trashed it! and i am rejecting your offers solely on the premise that i can't stand how you spell 'women'" it's w-o-m-e-n! no 'y'! no 'y' goddammit!!
also i don't know this lady at all and would feel strange and awkward going to some random event with god knows who.
hell, maybe i'm judgemental and awful.
but it's just how i feel.
now i need to find a way to decline politely.

all you need is love?

i watch love on tv. lust. want of love.
i read about love and want of love.
i listen to friends talk about how great it is to have love, how much it sucks to lose and how much they want it.

this topic used to be my thing.
the search. trying trying trying.

it's not in my basket of 'wants' anymore.
who knows why.
maybe i'm exhausted by the search.
maybe i've temporarily given up.
maybe i don't believe in it.
maybe i'm just okay without it.
maybe i've built up my guards so much in the last year or so that i can't even remember what it feels like and therefore don't feel like i'm missing anything.

or maybe i don't even want to bother unless it is the real thing and i don't have the time or patience anymore to play the fairytale.

or maybe i have enough faith that life will lead me where i need to go and i shouldn't bother forcing or searching for it.

i feel like i've had a partial lobotomy and had the 'love' (romantic type) section removed.

in any case...
i think i'm actually content.
for the time being.