a moment alone

after a crazy busy week of work and squeezed in social time - i finally have an entire evening alone.
with my thoughts.
and overtired emotions.
not always fun... but necessary for the self check-in.

i've finally started to profess happiness here. in my home town.
i have a life. some friends that i've actually chosen. work. family. projects.
it's not my ideal. it's not where i see myself. it's temporary.
lately, it's been nice. i've been happy for at least a month straight... which, to be honest, is a big deal.
i don't know how long this will last.
taking a moment to pause... and being out the other end of my relationship that didn't quite begin... i worry that i'm losing myself.

nostalgia kicks in.
all the amazing things i've experienced. the person i was. the friends who are all way too far away.
i came home to refuel. reboot. get my feet back under me. get some perspective.
it feels like i'm half way there.

i'm trying not to be impatient.
i feel like my trip to nyc in feb will be like a big smack in the face for me. i don't know how i'm going to be able to come back here after that.
or maybe it'll suck.
it's still so far away.
and i'm not at all prepared... better get on that.

it's just... the people here... even the theatre people...they don't get me. they don't get it. they might love theatre, but they don't live life as a theatre artist. they might have been in a thousand plays... but never created even 5 minutes of something original... something that involves risk.
if i stay here - i'm not going to find people who get it. i have to go to a city... you can't have what it is i want in a place this small.
i get some of what i want.
i get my outdoors.
i get more sunshine.
i get family and health and convenience.
i get the use of cars, i sleep in a beautiful house, i don't have financial burdens.

but i miss my city life. not every day. but right now. the ability to walk outside at night and actually be somewhere.

i tend to believe in 'meant to be' and 'things happening for a reason'. i wonder if the reason my boy 'friends' and i are nothing more than that is because i can't risk attaching myself to this place... eventually waking up one day, and realizing that i've lost the best part of me.

i've still got it.
but i'm at moderate risk.

and i'm totally regretting committing to the community theatre play i'm in... or barely in... i should say.
this is not the theatre life i signed up for. but i can't back out now. or can i..... nope. eff.

well... long ramble could go on and on for ever... but i'll save that for my journals.

i'd better get busy, or i'll keep thinking way too much.

in the blink of an eye...

i'm back to being "just friends" with my friend.
(my celebate friend... by the way...)
bam.
that was quick.
but it goes with my theme of no compromise... i suppose...
two days ago i felt like shit about my lack of relationship potential,
yesterday i felt fine...
today i feel like life is as it should be.
it just makes sense.
it feels easy.

maybe it's b/c part of me senses he isn't truly what i want.
maybe it's b/c there's another new friend in the picture that has sparked my interest.
maybe it's b/c i'm way too busy right now to let anything register.
maybe it's b/c friends have always lasted longer for me than boyfriends.

in any case.
back to 100% single.
i feel.... relief....

aside from the fact that i will never get laid again.

i'd better go for a jog.

the terror of heartbreak

so i'm in. but not fully. just sitting on the edge of it.
casual.
everything is cool. nothing's set in stone.
no expectations.
no committments.
no sense of security.
just one day at a time.
i don't know if i can deal with this.
it will start to hurt eventually.

and so i self protect by picking out the negatives and looking at my other options.

who cares?
not me.
look out for number one.