Monday, August 24, 2009

bringing drama to smalltown

what is with me and creating retarded drama?
(side note - just because i'm here now, doesn't mean i'll never be back - and just b/c you're there now, doesn't mean you'll be gone later)
DRAMA. boys. life. blah.
managed to hook up with guy who works at my dad's office. this is not the first guy - guy i was super crushing on, embarrassingly made out with at season end party and who ultimately rejected me - nor is this awkward brit who i accidentally kissed one drunken evening and am pretending to forget about.... no, this is yet another guy from my dad's office.

how many guys work at my dad's office you ask? why do i need to create these incestuous social situations for myself???
i don't know the answer to these questions. all i know is that it needs to stop.
i even gave myself the 'don't-do-anything-you-might-regret' pep talk before going out, getting drunk and hooking up with office dude.
balls to the wall.

so i've realized a couple of things.
a) i like making out with people
b) i like attention from boys (duh, who doesnt)
c) after so long in the toronto theatre mostly gay scene - i've forgotten how to behave in a "normal" hetero co-ed social situation. like, keep your regina saskatchewan in your pants already!

in all fairness to me... (ahem: excuse essay begins here)... dude number one i legitimately liked - only kissed - we were all totally sloshed as is traditional for this particular party - and, if he had said 'yes' to me asking him out afterwards - we would have been dating and the whole situation would be cute and told at our wedding (because that's what people do around here, they get married), not slutty (even though I hardly qualify kissing as slutty - but we're in small city accounting land of conservatism here - not free love gaytown theatreville expressyourself avenue). dude number two just really likes me and sometimes i over flirt. but i have NOT flirted with him for MONTHS. although i still think i may have to actually tell him that i'm not interested.
this brings us to dude number three.
i actually kinda like this guy - but was totally thrown off by the hookup b/c i just didn't ever see him going there. but there he went. and he acted SOOO into me that i freaked out and acted reletively yikes/cool-casual the next day....
HOWEVER, i did give him my ph#. and he hasn't called. 8 days, no call.
so wtf?
retardation city is what. and what the hell do i want anyway?? eff if i know.

plus - guy number 2 and 3 are friends. or at least work buddies. they work togetherish. on same projects. and drive to random places overnight for work reasons together... awkward, yes?

and to add to all of this b.s., i'll be working at my dad's office at least here and there over the next year. (project into future: artsmonkey standing in lunch room with dudes #1-3 all happening to be there at the same time - with their respective friends who know their dirty little secrets).

so, all i have to say is - amazing. me. awesome.

and this is just my local drama.

will i never learn?
i need local gay friends asap who wouldn't hook up with me ever unless we were the last 2 people on the earth and had to procreate to save the species.
unlikely to happen here.
so for now, step lightly... be careful. try not to be yourself too much.
sounds awful. never going to happen.

tune in next week....

Saturday, August 15, 2009

back on the blog horse

i'm back home. the blogging will continue after a month and a half of no posts. shameful, i know.
where do i begin?
the summer has been so full of blog worthyness that it would take me forever to try to update, so i wont.

for now i'll just say that i've decided a few things this year.
1. i will not compromise - this i'd decided quite a while ago. and so far so good
2. i will live in the present and the future, not the past. lately i've been living a lot in the present, dwelling a bit in memories, and not putting enough into my future.
3. i don't live in toronto anymore. i live in b.c.. i need to committ to that. i'm changing my phone number, my drivers licence, my health care. time to stop being such a nomad for a while.
4. i need to make money, even if that means working a 'real job' until i'm out of debt and have some savings so that i can have some freedom.

okay. that's all for now.
i'll save the stories for later.