ask and you shall receive

i had forgotten about the power of prayer.
and i'm not talking religion. i'm not talking church. i'm not talking anything but simply opening up and asking.... asking someone, god, whomever, the universe, myself... whatever you want to call it.
asking for help.
asking for a clear path.
call it meditation. call it whatever you want. i call it prayer.
it's something i used to do when i was a kid nearly every night.
somewhere i stopped.
probably in my rejection of church and my former beliefs.

the other day i sat down, upset, lost, bored - feeling stuck. and i asked and questioned and talked. i asked for openings, for chances, for intuition. i felt a sense of relief.
the next day i got a call that i had 2 auditions.
a couple days later, feeling all jumbled and upset again i sat and did the same thing. talk, asked, questioned. i was feeling stressed about a creative project with a friend/colleague. i was feeling helpless about the outcome of an audition.
the next day the exact worry i had with that colleague was resolved by her approaching me on the subject i didn't know how to bring up. on the same day i got a call back for an audition.

there's something to be said about all this.
i don't know what it is... maybe just taking actual time to stop, think, question and be true to yourself. synchronicity perhaps.

i think i need to make a habit of this.

whine whine whine

so i'm guessing the tub of haagen daaz isn't included in my no-carb diet plan.... oops.
i cracked - what can i say?

i have stuff i need to get done. stuff. writing stuff. promo stuff.
i'm lazy.
thinking of ways to escape.

dishes need to be done...
stuff.
boo to stuff!

i want to sit and eat and watch t.v.
if only i had cable.

i'm waiting for a thunderbolt of excitement to come crashing down from the sky.
boom!!
wait for it.... wait for it.... wait for it....

nope.
nothing.
totally boring.

postcard continues

so. just got a message on facebook from boy (remember boy) who i was dating over the holidays.
"your postcard just arrived in the mail"
nice.
very nice.
i love how even my minor relationships linger...

lost interest

so i got rid of my online profile about a week ago.
the novelty has worn off.
besides, i can meet plenty of uninteresting or unattractive or old or out of shape or gay closeted men that i have no desire to sleep with the good old fashioned way.

damn valentine

i felt fine all day.
i was in a good mood.
i knew what day it was.
i did my show.
then he had to say "well, it's valentine's day, at least give me a hug"
and he got on the subway, and i walked home alone past window displays of hearts.

playing it safe

why does it feel like nothing is happening when i'm busier than i've been in months? i'm antsier than ever, i feel like things are on pause... or worse, rewind. yet i'm in a show, producing a monthly show that will start in less than a week and co-writing a screenplay.
it just feels predictable. it feels like i've done this before... well in a way, i have.
i want drastic change.
i want motivation.
i want inspiration.
i feel like i'm not pushing myself to my potential.
i'm letting myself get fat.
i need to turn things up a notch. the online dating entertained me for a bit. the tongue piercing was a brief distraction. the drunken sex put a pause in my drought. the play is placating my actor. the cabaret is filling my mental resume. the climbing gym is keeping me in moderate shape.
but these are all bandaids.
i think some serious risk taking is in order. i think i need to push my boundaries. i think i need to figure out what it is i'm doing, and jump.
so what'll it be?

a little bit of what-the-f

a couple of things.
1: i'm crazy
2: why is life on repeat?

addressing the crazy bit - the other eve i was bored/over caffinated/antsy and re-pierced my own tongue. i have a show this week. fantastic idea.
while i was piercing my own tongue i was contemplating meeting this rude online hockey guy that eve... luckily the shock of the pierced tongue caused me to call a friend and make him talk me out of the blind date... i luckily avoided crashing that crazy train.
suprisingly the tongue feels fine, probably b/c i had it pierced for 4 years.... it was closed over for 4 years since... but hey - it seems to be doing alright.
i think i'm going through some sort of mental issues....

second thing - life on repeat.
three of my exes have now gotten in touch with me via facebook. must be the valentines thing. the most recent (under the covers guy) sent me a message and is apparently now not moving to vancouver for another year and a half, is going to go to law school, and is moving into a smaller place so he can save as much money as possible.
what?
why is it that after a break up they always become motivated and ballsy? when we were dating i suggested the whole moving into a cheaper place b/c he was talking about wanting to save.... and he, of course, argued with me - saying that it wouldn't make all that much of a difference.
i think i have a "what are you doing with your life" affect on people. i don't know if it's a good thing. and it only ever comes to fruition after i've broken up with them. nice.
mr. under-the-covers is taking a big, uncomfortable, life risk. fantastic. good for him. amazing.

so now i have this lovely repor with half of my exes... good for me. ask me if i'm getting anything current? no. of course not. i do, however, have a 46 yr old man (whom i'm not attracted to) who is working on me. "want to go climbing artsmonkey?" "want to go snowboarding?"
yes! i do! but i don't want you to think that i would actually sleep with you!
bah.
it's always conditional.