Tuesday, May 30, 2006

boys are so weird

one day he says he's not up for a serious relationship and he values his space. i said i thought that sounded just fine to me. four days later (after not talking or seeing eachother) he offers for me to stay with him if i can't find an apartment and "we"'s me at least three times.
don't tell me that girls are weird.

i'm sthuper, thanks for asthking

i found an apartment! finally! and i'm moving tomorrow!! yeeehaaa!!! i feel like i've been in stall mode for a month, and now someone has just released the emergence break....
here i goooooooooo!!!!!
my own grown up apartment! with my great friend and her dog, and my cat! and we're going to paint! and plant flowers in the flower boxes on the back porch!
now i don't have any more excuses for being a scatterbrain who gets nothing done... that's cool... i can handle it.
what a f%#*ing relief

Sunday, May 28, 2006

spelling corrections

apartment.... not appartment
and then. not than.
now i can sleep.


"i think this is it" she said, eyes sparkling. "I just am paranoid sometimes that he might hurt me - so i pull away"
little does she know -


i feel fat. i feel ugly... i need to get laid!
ahhh.... breathe... it will all be fine.
i may be homeless in approximately four days. appartment hunting til the last minute is uber stressful.... it will make one eat bad food and drink too much.
at least i have the city.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

the balls of honesty

turns out sometimes it pays to just say what's on your mind. my good friend, and soon to be roommie said to me today. "artsmonkey, you are a totally different person when you are talking to him - you are like this submissive little girl with a crush - i wouldn't expect that from you"
and i said "you're right!"
and i realized. it is never worth compromising who i am for someone else. no matter how much i like them. because i was starting to not like myself. it is much better to be myself and on my own - than someone i dont even recognize and be in a pseudo relationship.
so i was honest. i said to him - "this isn't me - i don't wait by the phone - i don't put up with this kind of bullshit"
and we talked.
and it didn't end or begin....
and we agreed to be honest.
and we started to set some boundaries.
yet i still get to keep my freedom.. my space...
will this actually work?
a non relationship relationship? where we are supposedly open about everything - yet still live our lives as though single?
isn't that just like having a friend?... avec benefits?
let's see what happens.....

he said "thank you for your balls"
and i said "thank you for your balls"
oh the double entendre... is that how you spell entendre?

we get what we deserve...

last night i had plans. i showered, plucked my eyebrows, put on make up... i looked great - felt pretty good too. and i waited for the call. the promised "i'll call you when i'm done" call. the call came about an hour after expected... although i should be used to this by now. i am the loser who fucking waits by the goddamn phone.... and i have a cell phone... what the hell is that all about? so the call finally came - and the plans were cancelled. "can we meet tomorrow night instead?" "NO!" this is not the first time this has happened, or the second. and yet i put up with it.
why do i put up with it?
because somewhere inside of me, i feel like i deserve to be treated like crap. i make excuses.
because i feel like i have what's coming to me. i was the bad guy in my last relationship. i was the one who fucked up. i was the one who apparently moved on. so now i feel like if i just waltzed into some great new relationship, that there would be an injustice of some sort.
so how long does one punish themselves before they get to have something great? maybe it's up to us? is that fair?

Sunday, May 21, 2006

dull lights, small village

sitting in goderich. can't get a cab to the bar. and when we do get to the one bar... the last call will likely be midnight. freedom of leaving town. but nothin to do - and no way to get there... hmmm... the cottage style party scene i was promised is shaping up to be a wee bit disappointing.
on the bright side... i can inhale and not get a lung full of smoggy crap.
maybe i'll go for a cigarette.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

somewhere that's green.... or lets me have pets.

so it looks like the long and tedious apartment hunt may be coming to an end. i actually saw not one, but two! apartments today that i could actually live with - with my wonderful soon to be roommate - and my wonderful, soon to be dog in law - and of course my cat. and both of the places actually didn't say no to pets!! yeeha!
i dont get the no pets thing. i saw a few places that were all nazi about no dogs - but it appeared as though their current tennants were already scratching the walls and peeing in the corners - so what's the difference? or there was one guy who was really nice about the pet thing - he was actually really nice about everything, except sort of in an "i-belong-to-a-cult" nice... like the kind of nice where i expected him to start talking about how jesus lives in a spaceship and is coming to get us all - but only if we tie ourselves to banana's and shoot ourselves in the head....
anyhoo, he told me he had to check with "the girls who live upstairs" ... he also had to check with the "girls who live upstairs" for any tennant that might be moving in, because "the girls who live upstairs" have to like whomever would be living on the ground floor. i was wondering how "the girls who live upstairs" are paying mr. culto landlord. just a thought.
also, his creepy looking grandma was there with him showing the place... she sort of skulked around in the rooms like an ancient painting in hogwarts.... i wonder if she comes with the apartment? hopefully my living situation won't come to that.
i just can't wait til it's all over. i have seen the silver lining, and i'm clinging to it.
all i want is a kick ass two bedroom apartment somewhere...... oh wouldn't it be loverly?

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

i havent been here for the longest time

i've been neglecting my blog... for a couple of reasons.
1. i've been totally bummed out and i thought i might spare the world of my self indulgent whining
2. my ex recently came across my blog - and one can imagine how not good of a situation this was. i've since felt guilty for being myself, and felt the need to censor ... which is retarded b/c i'd finally come to a place of freedom where i felt i didnt have to censor myself....
which leads me to the reason i am returning to my blog
1. i will not censor myself!

that being said... i'd like to make a comment on happiness.
i think that people feel pressured to be happy all the time so that they do not burden others with their moodiness.... especially actors. actors are supposed to be entertaining. when we are not entertaining - we feel that people might not want to be around us. we place our self worth on how entertaining we can be. this is exhausting. when we are in the mood to be entertaining - it is great, it's fun, it's exciting.... but sometimes we just need to be boring. and not feel bad about being boring - because that just makes us depressed about being boring....
am i generalizing?
let's just change all the "we's" to "me".

I got caught in the rain today - and it made me happy.

Friday, May 05, 2006

sometimes - probably most of the time - ignorance is bliss. what is it about those of us who fight against the 'brave new world?'.
what satisfaction do we get?

a reflection on letters

as a brief response to some of the responses i got to the letter article:
I think it takes a lot of guts to write a vulnerable letter - it's evidence of something you felt that will always be out there - and i have respect for that. the article was more a question of self and the patterns that are created in someones life. that's all....