Wednesday, May 24, 2006

we get what we deserve...

last night i had plans. i showered, plucked my eyebrows, put on make up... i looked great - felt pretty good too. and i waited for the call. the promised "i'll call you when i'm done" call. the call came about an hour after expected... although i should be used to this by now. i am the loser who fucking waits by the goddamn phone.... and i have a cell phone... what the hell is that all about? so the call finally came - and the plans were cancelled. "can we meet tomorrow night instead?" "NO!" this is not the first time this has happened, or the second. and yet i put up with it.
why do i put up with it?
because somewhere inside of me, i feel like i deserve to be treated like crap. i make excuses.
because i feel like i have what's coming to me. i was the bad guy in my last relationship. i was the one who fucked up. i was the one who apparently moved on. so now i feel like if i just waltzed into some great new relationship, that there would be an injustice of some sort.
so how long does one punish themselves before they get to have something great? maybe it's up to us? is that fair?