Wednesday, April 18, 2007

i thought i had it together...

i just checked my banking online. a forgotten loan withdrawl, a bounced cheque, a climbing visa bill, a nsf fee, overdraft. fuck fuck fuck!! i thought i had my shit together! i've been so busy i haven't been paying attention to my finances. i've been eating out too much. i've bought some clothes. i guess i can't afford these things. i thought i could now. i thought with my new job that i was fine. nope.
next rant - new pics of me on facebook. why do friends post unflattering pics of you online? how is this nice? it's not!! i look weird and fat. now i feel fat. fat and financially unorganized.
and i'm hungover slightly. i was going to go to the gym. not going to happen today. not unless this headache goes away. i had plans tonight. plans that cost money. i might not be able to go. not unless i get paid.
not enough time. not enough money. not enough metabolism.
i want to hide under a rock.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

it all passes with time

so i'm not feeling jealous anymore. i've come to a calm. i'm sure i'll be back there again, but for now it's all okay. i think that lack of communication almost always ends up in me freaking out about something. time apart does the same thing. lack of quality time together. remember to stop and smell the roses, right? that's kind of hard to do when we don't get spring til june.
i like reading my friends blogs. i like this little community. it's reassuring. facebook is not like that. facebook is more surface. small talk. i get bored with small talk. i enjoy facebook for what it is - but it's like reading a glossy magazine vs reading a great novel.
today is the kind of day that i would like to last for longer. it's a sleepy day after a long day of productivity. a day where i want to sit and watch tv and eat comfort food and cuddle and have sex. unfortunately i work all day tomorrow. work is good. work is money. but if i had extra money, i would take tomorrow off. i would sit at home. i would make pancakes. i would go window shopping. i would cut my toenails and maybe dust my furnature.
sometimes i think there is more than one person inhabiting my body. my moods change so drastically.
maybe i am insane.
that would be interesting. to be insane - but not find out until you were like 80 years old.
what is going on with this blog?
it's a weird boring self conscious blog.
i'm having fun writing it.
not like disney land fun.
but fun.
actually, more fun than disney land. because i don't have to stand in a line up.
i hate lineups. it's the aspect of waiting.
i don't like waiting.
i like doing.
i think i'd love lineups if i always got to budge to the front. then it would be fun. passing all the people. looking at how they wait.
i think i'm going to go eat or drink something.

Friday, April 06, 2007


i don't know what's wrong with me. i've never been a jealous/insecure person before on more than a momentary basis. i've rarely cared if a boyfriend has female friends, or looks at porn or thinks my friends are cute. yet for some reason all of these things in my current relationship make me want to scream and cry and puke. i actually have a full bodied physical reaction. there is definitely something wrong with me. i'm being highly irrational. what do i do about this? this is clearly my problem, not his... so what do i do! somebody help me!!