Tuesday, August 10, 2010

who cares?

this town.
beautiful, nice weather, easy living.
people - pretty boring.
as a whole...

i'm trying to ramp up a little enthusiasm for our local Pride events.
one... maybe two of my hetero friends seems to give a shit.

after spending 3 weeks in Toronto, i'm finding it hard to bother trying to be social here.
aside from my bf and a couple friends (whom i only see for occasional coffee dates) not many people seem to have any depth of character.

harsh? maybe. probably...
but after hand picking wonderful friends over 10 years - friends who've completely enriched my life - it's hard to make small talk with people who are more passionate about speed boats than human rights.

i want art, i want opinion, i want compassion, i want empathy, i want intelligence, i want social awareness, i want adventure, i want comedy and ridiculousness.

but i fear becoming a hermit during my last 6-12 months and so i really need to make an effort.


Tuesday, June 01, 2010


i'm nervous.
i have a show opening in 2 days.
a show i wrote, a show i'm in.
a show i've done before in toronto and new york.
a show i've done well with.

this is a new version.
expectations are climbing now that the show has some experience.

and i feel unprepared.
i'm freaked out.
i'm nervous.
i need to shake it off.

i'm also turning 30 in just over a week.
maybe this has something to do with it.
i feel like i need to be more accomplished at this age....
that is, in fact, what the play is kind of about.


this should be easy, if i let it be.

time for some meditation in preparation!!!

Monday, May 24, 2010

writers block...again

trying to rewrite and rewrite and rewrite.

always stuck on the ending.

so i've come here for self research, and realize my blog circle has completely changed.

maybe time for a fresh blog start??

Tuesday, February 02, 2010


sleep has been had.
could use more, but perspective has been gained.

i think 2 important ingredients for not being a self-involved jerk are 1) thankfulness and 2) perspective.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

spam, sleep, nostalgia

what is going on with the spam in my comment box.
not cool.
blogs should be sacred.

on a different note... i haven't blogged in a while.
i'm so busy i've barely had time to come up for air.
i'm tired. but it's good, i suppose.

personal projects seem to be on a very good path.
relationship is great... but part-time due to busy-ness.

and i'm leaving for new york in less than 3 weeks!!
i am excited. but i'm also totally overwhelmed.

i'd like an entire day in bed. watching t.v. slopping around.

i miss my friends. i really miss my friends. being back in my home town is good, but it's weird.
too many memories from 10-12 years ago.
constant dreams about people from highschool.
when will i adjust and just be in the present??

dating someone who's older brother i went to grad with 12 years ago... and then some... is just fine, except when i'm constantly traipsing through my old stomping grounds - making memories jump up at me far too often.

it's like one of those dreams where everyone is there, but not... and with a twist... and it's sort of lonely, because the friends you had aren't your friends anymore... and the friends you have aren't here.

i think sleep may be the only solution to my problem.

oh, the ramble. i should have probably saved this one for the journal.
anyhoo. i hope some of you are still reading this. i really miss the crap out of you guys.

Monday, January 04, 2010

too good

if something seems too good to be true, it probably is...

i need to stop thinking like this.
i'm waiting for the ball to drop and smash into a million little pieces.

the boy. every time i see him he amazes me by something he does or says in complete sincerity.
when i'm not with him, i try not to listen to the little voice telling me that i don't deserve this, and sooner or later he'll figure that out...

but that's stupid right!
i really have to let go of all my past mistakes. i think i've paid my debt already... at least, i hope so.

it's as if life is all starting to drop into place for me... and, granted, i'm working/have worked my ass off for it....

it's just.... usually my efforts are 80% futile.
the career i've chosen
my extremely ideal ideals
the non-compromising life i've imagined

now, 2010 has rolled around... and it looks incredible. my only complaint (which i can't really complain about, b/c it's my own fault) is financial.
but other than that...
i've met the most amazing boy,
i'll be performing my own play in nyc AND toronto,
i'm taking a week off to go to mexico after nyc,
i've lost 20lbs in one year (granted, i was a bit of a fatty when i came back from honduras),
i have more local support for my endeavors than i thought would be possible in a small city,
i have somehow found 80% of the balanced life that i was searching for a couple of years ago when i decided to eff out of toronto and follow my heart.... and it's been a rocky as hell road

so am i here? have i managed to climb up and get to the top of those steps?? have i broken through the next barrier?

i remember, 2007, i felt that i had finally gotten my foot in the door... after 3 1/2 years of trudging through shit. and then i needed to reassess and figure out what was next.
maybe this year i'll walk through the next door.

i just hope there isn't such a thing as "too good to be true" ... b/c there sure as hell isn't such a thing as "too bad to be true".

Saturday, January 02, 2010

missed chances

it's weird when someone gets hurt... it's because of you, but it's their own doing.

one can't help but feeling responsible.

i guess it's my turn to be happy and move forward. i didn't miss my chance this time.
however, when i think of it... i've almost always purposely missed my 'chance' in the past.

i hope i'm right in thinking that maybe what i was waiting for actually does exist...