Wednesday, April 26, 2006

addicted to love

why do i always get attached? i try and try to be a hard ass who's just out to have a good time - but i just end up falling for people.... i think it's because if someone doesn't even hold that potential for me i don't waste my time. bah. a friend of mine once wrote "... maybe you know that i have a heart overflowing with love for this whole perfect world and if i poured its contents into yours i might be able to keep it from bursting..." - i think i fell a little bit in love with him too after reading that. it gave me a new height of love to aspire to - it made me realize that there was so much more to feeling something for someone or everyone or everything that i hadn't considered before.... or maybe, like my other friend has said about himself, -I could just be emotionally slutty.

Saturday, April 22, 2006


my cat is so cute i can't even stand it.
annoying, a bit of an asshole... but very f ing cute.

Friday, April 21, 2006

love letters

it seems that whenever one of my relationships end, a heart felt letter is soon to follow. I woke up this morning to find a small wrapped gift (a cd) and a letter on my doorstep from my most recent ex. it's been over a month since we split. this is not the first time i've received a letter like this - granted, i didn't expect it from this boyfriend - but the situation itself is becoming almost traditional. the gift of a cd or cassette is also not new to me. it's the "i'll never forget you" letter, the "i miss you letter", the "you were a wonderful friend and lover" letter. granted, it is flattering. it feels good to be missed. it makes me lighten up on the bitter-about-my-ex thoughts. to be honest though, this pattern is starting to weird me out. does this happen to everyone? is this normal? i've discussed this with friends before, and i'm usually the only one who experiences this on a regular basis. the relationships fail, but i get to keep these emotional souvenirs. the thing that's even weirder, is the letters are becoming more and more the same. the last two exes letters both referred knowing that they are not the first to write something like this for me. part of me wonders if it's now going to become a competition - when one boyfriend finds out that i recieved something from another boyfriend - they either want to top it, or at least get honorable mention in the ex boyfriend hall of fame. that's another thing - i'm only 25 and i already have quite the collection. is this my destiny? to be the letter girl? to be the girl that got away? should i embrace this role? forget about anything long term and bask in the muse-like influence i have on these men? I used to think it was because they were all writers or artists or musicians of some sort - but that's not the case anymore. now the regular guys are joining in the romantic parade. how long can this go on for? I have a theory that these guys need the one that got away before they settle down. they need to feel like they experienced a movie like romance and now they can grow up and get on with it. as of right now, i'm okay to fill that part - but i think one day i'm going to wish that i could just meet someone who sees me as something other than the one that's going to get away. then again i guess that time will come when i'm really ready to stick around.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

shades of gray....

will we all eventually be punished for our sins and rewarded for our good deeds? sometimes i think it's us who punish and reward ourselves. what happens when you decide to neglect your conscience - who's keeping score? maybe it will all add up in the end. perhaps we may be overly rewarded at some stages of life, and punished at others with no real rhyme or reason. I guess time will tell.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

do dee doo.....

so i quit my job officially... wheee!! i have opportunities coming at me that i actually want to go for... yay! i've been sick for the past 3 days... booo! i am now allowing myself to sit around and get better... what? i don't rest! what the hell am i going to do all day... just sit and... rest?! ew! ack! i'll go craaaazzzzy!!!! but it is necessary to regain health. must be healthy so i can be productive next week..... BORING! maybe i'll make cookies.... yesss....

Wednesday, April 12, 2006


is love just maybe a construct of our imagination. a word we tack on to some feelings to make ourselves feel like we exist?
right now i'll settle for lust, passion and infatuation. the word love has let me down. maybe i'll try again later.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

is it okay to be happy?

i recently had a phone conversation with my dad. i only call home about once every two to three weeks, and the last time i spoke to my parents, it was because they had heard i recently broke up with my boyfriend. the guy i was supposed to marry.... the guy i wanted to move in with.... the guy my dad liked... the guy who i can't remember why i wanted all those things with.
i called to tell my dad how great life was going for me - to tell him about all the new opportunities i'd been presented with... i had so much news, i was so excited, i felt like my break up was just waiting to happen and now i can spread my wings and FLY!!!!!
all this may have been a bit more than he could take. he kept saying things like "well, are you happy?".... and "these times can be difficult".... etc. etc. i think he thought i was putting on a face. i think he thought that underneath all this i'm really completely devestated that my plan of house and family was squashed... he even alluded to the fact that he didn't think it was really the end of this relationship.
i avoided mentioning that i was having mindblowing sex with a sexy chef. some things don't fit into parent/child conversation material.
i'm starting to think it's the parents that take break ups the worst.... all they want is a "happily married" child and some rugrat grandkids.
dad... that's not going to make me happy. at least not right now.
or maybe i am just crazy and delusional - but if so, i enjoy it very much:)

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

god doesn't want me to be a waitress....

so once again i find myself sans job... well - this time it may just be that i'm not getting any shifts. see, i have a job - but apparently am not on the schedule this week and was encouraged to call next week to check my schedule. how long will they keep me employed there but neglect to give me shifts? i have a job, but i don't actually work there... at least i can tell mom and dad that i have a job....
this should bother me seeing as it has taken me 2 months to obtain any crappy job - unless you count the time i was hired and fired within three days. i might take that personally, but seeing as they failed to train me, and had me open the restaurant on my second shift, i figure i'm not the one to blame. in both of these jobs, the management has been disorganized and i've been treated like i have half a brain cell... i love restaurant work.... the people are such diamonds in the rough....
i think this is a sign. i know in my gut that this is not what i should be doing, but i keep doing it for some cash.... i'm destined to make art and do the things that actually contribute to my life and others. one annoying factor with my fate is that i'm broke. i suppose that's a small price to pay to stay true to my path.... but it is really annoying.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

crazy and reckless

after a recent break up... actually even before a recent break up - i've been doing whatever the hell i want, when i want. it kind of feels great, but it's also a bit weird. i'm moving forward at a break neck speed. i'm doing things i would have scolded myself for earlier in my life. i feel no guilt or remorse for any crazy behavior. granted, it's not like i'm out on a killing spree - but still.... how long will i get away with this? skipping classes i've signed up for... my whatever attitude at work... saying what i want when i feel like it.... staying up till all hours of the morning....having sex with whomever i want whenever i want - (not that this is all that many people )-
i feel alive. i feel creative. i think that maybe my conscience has flown out the window and i'm on my way to becoming an axe murderer... although i doubt it.
what's going on?
one theory is that perhaps i was trying to force myself to give so much in my recent relationship, and all my efforts to sacrifice something for the person i loved were shot down - gifts returned unopened.
now i'm wondering why i wasted so much time and energy, when it seems that people (people meaning my ex... ha.) don't really want others to sacrifice and give their engeries to them. maybe some people are threatened by these gifts, thinking that they will owe something in return that they aren't willing to give. it's like when a casual aquaintance buys you a christmas or birthday gift... it's almost an intrusion of boundaries.
the irony of all this is i used to be the one pushing the gifts away - i thought if i changed my tune everything would fall into place. i was wrong.
this isn't such a bad thing though.... if my energy was not rejected, i wouldnt be having such a crazy ride...
maybe this is my destiny... maybe i'm just meant to keep on moving.
who knows.
i'm rambling.