Saturday, April 01, 2006

crazy and reckless

after a recent break up... actually even before a recent break up - i've been doing whatever the hell i want, when i want. it kind of feels great, but it's also a bit weird. i'm moving forward at a break neck speed. i'm doing things i would have scolded myself for earlier in my life. i feel no guilt or remorse for any crazy behavior. granted, it's not like i'm out on a killing spree - but still.... how long will i get away with this? skipping classes i've signed up for... my whatever attitude at work... saying what i want when i feel like it.... staying up till all hours of the morning....having sex with whomever i want whenever i want - (not that this is all that many people )-
i feel alive. i feel creative. i think that maybe my conscience has flown out the window and i'm on my way to becoming an axe murderer... although i doubt it.
what's going on?
one theory is that perhaps i was trying to force myself to give so much in my recent relationship, and all my efforts to sacrifice something for the person i loved were shot down - gifts returned unopened.
now i'm wondering why i wasted so much time and energy, when it seems that people (people meaning my ex... ha.) don't really want others to sacrifice and give their engeries to them. maybe some people are threatened by these gifts, thinking that they will owe something in return that they aren't willing to give. it's like when a casual aquaintance buys you a christmas or birthday gift... it's almost an intrusion of boundaries.
the irony of all this is i used to be the one pushing the gifts away - i thought if i changed my tune everything would fall into place. i was wrong.
this isn't such a bad thing though.... if my energy was not rejected, i wouldnt be having such a crazy ride...
maybe this is my destiny... maybe i'm just meant to keep on moving.
who knows.
i'm rambling.

4 comments:

warriorprincesse said...

hmm...maybe it's harsh, but maybe they weren't getting the gifts they wanted. You weren't, were you?

I was in a similar relationship where each thought they were giving more than the other. We were absolutely convinced! But neither valued what the other was giving.

Which poses the question: should you be happy if they're trying to give at all? or should you wait til you find someone who gives you what you want? and should you try to give them what they want? or should you hold on to your values and keep giving them what you'd like to get...get it? I don't.

artsmonkey said...

i think they probably weren't getting the gifts they were getting - actually, i think they thought the gifts weren't for real - which, who am i kidding, they probably weren't... seeing as i almost felt like it was work.
so much comes to light after the fact - isnt that always the case.

artsmonkey said...

i think they probably weren't getting the gifts they were wanting - actually, i think they thought the gifts weren't for real - which, who am i kidding, they probably weren't... seeing as i almost felt like it was work.
so much comes to light after the fact - isnt that always the case.

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