whatever

ug.
i feel like i should blog now or i'll never blog again.
my motivation switch is broken.
i do stuff. stuff i should do. but more b/c i know it's the thing to do.
like call re: jobs. look up theatre companies on line. go to pilates.

i feel like i'm hiding out in my hometown. and it's like the last 10 years of my life didn't happen. there's no evidence of it anywhere.
that freaks me out.
what was i working so hard for again?? what do i have to show for it?

and how did i turn 28? when did that happen?
i find myself checking out boys that are way too young for me... it's as if i think i'm still their age - and guys my age.... well, there are no straight single guys my age. there aren't even guys my age in general. i think someone had them all killed when i turned 23.

i have these goals. that i could write down on paper. but if i do that then i'll have to do something about them. and that gives me anxiety. so i dont.
one day at a time.

i feel like a foreiner in my own country. i just don't understand what everyone gets so worked up about. i don't get why the things that are important to people here are important.
maybe i'll phase out of it.
maybe it's just reverse culture shock.
or maybe i'm just using that as an excuse to be wishy washy.

that's so not like me.
balls to the wall.

i just have to wait til january passes.... then i might impress myself...