a checklist

i'm tired, but feeling less blah then i was for my last post.
so i figure now's as good a time as any to write a little blogaroo.

ahem.... 'bloggidy blog blog blog'...

life. things i think about the most:
boys, my future, my career, the orphanage in honduras, friends, my fitness, food, travel, work, family.

normal, yes?

as for boys. the one i wanted didn't want me back. or should i say - was afraid of me/just wasn't that into me. the one i like but dont love is still hangin' around... and managed to steal a kiss from me the other night while i was in flirtatious drunk mode. so that happened..... and now i'm also toying with the idea of trying to meet up with this guy - who i only know b/c he's the younger brother of this guy who i sort of dated/was in a love triangle with in highschool and sorta stomped all over his heart.... who is doing just fine now - married with children and living in a different city.
perfect.
so i'm thinking the younger brother is out of bounds?? got in touch with him b/c we share the same love of theatre (which i discovered through the grapevine). we've done the amiable fb add and 3 msg back and forth.
thinking it's probably best to just leave it at that. yep.
oh - and i ran into his parents at this bbq i went to today. all very weird. all very 'my past drama entering my present - but with a twist'.
good times.

so next thing: future. wtf. i'm just living my life and enjoying the sun and not making too many plans past the fall. is that cool? i've always been a big planner - now i'm kind of 'loose plans, subject to change, day at a time' - which is working for me so far... but it's not like i'm achieving anything. i generally feel like i should be achieving things... maybe not?

friends: i miss my old ones, enjoying my new ones - but still not sure if the new ones will stick... a little worried about the guy who's into me throwing a wrench in my social circle here.... gotta be careful with that one...

kids at the orphanage: i carry around a little bit of guilt on a regular basis that i'm not doing as much as i can to communicate with them and know what's going on and planning my next trip there. i'm being moderately self indulgent. i don't think this makes me a bad person, but i'm definitely not being ideal.

fitness and food: i need to be hot and skinny for my sister's wedding b/c the pics will be in my life FOREVER. also - i just ate a dq blizzard.

work: don't have enough, need money, don't really feel like working though, and am enjoying my temporary unemployment.

travel: going to mexico in 4 weeks. YAY! adventure time. then the t dot. LOVE TORONTO. wish i could also go somewhere in the winter... not so sure that'll happen though b/c i need money.


that's about it.....oh wait - family: valuing family more than ever in my life. wondering how sister being married will effect our relationship. wondering if i'll still be living at home when i'm 40. hoping that's a no.

okay. that's about it.
and the brain goes round and round. boys, money, fitness, boys, food, travel, family, boys... etc etc.... hey.. i think that was sort of in my play! how true to life theatre can be....
wheeee!!

ugh

again. time has passed.
do i have to fill you in on every little detail??
long story short: didn't work out.
i went for it. didn't work out.

i've come back home and i'm just as often someone's daughter as i am myself.
in my old world i was just me.

there are pro's and cons.

i'm in a mood. a "why" mood.

why is it the things i go for, i don't get?
why does someone else get the job and not me?
why why why....

but then i can turn it around and ask:
why am i so lucky?
why did i get to be born in this great country, to this amazing family, to this support system?
why am i the one who gets to pursue my dream while someone else works in a shitty factory type job?
why am i the healthy, strong person with no major problems?

so it goes both ways.
but tonight i'm focussing on what i don't have.
because sometimes you just have to mope.

and i'm in a mood. so i want to mope. and be wistful and starry eyed and vaguely discontented(that one's for you, neenia).

i don't really know what the hell i'm doing here. but it seems to be where i'm supposed to be. so i stay. for now.... here there and everywhere.

i had a hamlet read through the other night. i'm going to be in a play. i can't wrap my mind around it right now. i keep thinking " maybe something better will come along".... but isn't that thought process the source of my losses?

gahh.....
angsty, self indulgent post.

i'm going to write another play. god give me strength.

if you know exactly what you are going to do, what is the point in doing it?? said picasso.