ugh

again. time has passed.
do i have to fill you in on every little detail??
long story short: didn't work out.
i went for it. didn't work out.

i've come back home and i'm just as often someone's daughter as i am myself.
in my old world i was just me.

there are pro's and cons.

i'm in a mood. a "why" mood.

why is it the things i go for, i don't get?
why does someone else get the job and not me?
why why why....

but then i can turn it around and ask:
why am i so lucky?
why did i get to be born in this great country, to this amazing family, to this support system?
why am i the one who gets to pursue my dream while someone else works in a shitty factory type job?
why am i the healthy, strong person with no major problems?

so it goes both ways.
but tonight i'm focussing on what i don't have.
because sometimes you just have to mope.

and i'm in a mood. so i want to mope. and be wistful and starry eyed and vaguely discontented(that one's for you, neenia).

i don't really know what the hell i'm doing here. but it seems to be where i'm supposed to be. so i stay. for now.... here there and everywhere.

i had a hamlet read through the other night. i'm going to be in a play. i can't wrap my mind around it right now. i keep thinking " maybe something better will come along".... but isn't that thought process the source of my losses?

gahh.....
angsty, self indulgent post.

i'm going to write another play. god give me strength.

if you know exactly what you are going to do, what is the point in doing it?? said picasso.