roller coaster

my moods are insane lately. im hyper emotional. im getting super excited and inspired, then sad and lonely, then pissed off.
round and round i go.
i dont feel like public blogging so often b/c its starting to feel like a chore.
uploading photos takes a million years.
and im not in any of my photos.... well, barely.
im pissed off that im only fluent in english.
some days i feel like i can understand most things and communicate well.
other days, like when my french roommate doesnt want to speak to me in english, but wont speak to me simply in spanish, i feel like a complete moron who deserves to be hung for all the shitty things white people, english people and uni lingual people across the globe have ever done to anyone else.
theres no place to go for a jog in this place, so im starting to feel squishy.
there are occasional familiar faces i run into, but no one like my friends back home.
this computer is a ball sucking hell machine with fucked up punctuation that makes me appear like a delinquent in emails. it also lacks spell check.
im sure that in a couple hours i will be feeling elated and inspired again, but right now im just panicky b/c i dont have a plan.
but i dont want a plan.
im also wondering why i totally blew off my perfectly good onenighter in escondido when i could have probably said "hey, i had a good time, lets meet up in san cristobal and have mad sex in our own hotel room" . ... instead i bolted after the act, and upon running into him the next day simply said "bon voyage" when he said he was leaving that afternoon.
im a freak.
oh well.
i feel a bit better after this blog.
maybe ill write on my travel blog later.
maybe.
i just wish i didnt feel like i had to or people would get annoyed.
disappearing seems like it might be fun.

reality

so... sitting in a hostel is not exactly the best place to write personal blogs, but f it.
i'm not inspired to write on my public blog... where i'm an upstanding citizen, off to help children in honduras... there are times for that.
this is not that time.
not after crashing into backpacker party central.
not after a one night stand with an aussie surfer. ("check")
not after developing a semi weird crush on a swede with a girlfriend.... well, not a crush exactly... more like a pseudo relationship that lasted 5 days without any sex.
strange.
more on that later.

it's like i've had a taste of moving away from home for the first time again.... the novelty of the parties and the boys pretty much have already worn off in less than a week... where as in university it took a little while longer...
but there are similarites.

this backpacking alone thing is a roller coaster.
meeting people... then becoming fast friends... then saying goodbye.
not really bothering to keep in touch, b-c what's the point.

i miss my real friends.
i miss talking shit and telling every little detail without worry of judgement.
i miss you guys.

i think once i'm in honduras i'll at least be able to develop relationships for longer than a day or two...

it's good though.
i think i may be starting to shed some of my protective layers.