spam, sleep, nostalgia

what is going on with the spam in my comment box.
not cool.
blogs should be sacred.

on a different note... i haven't blogged in a while.
i'm so busy i've barely had time to come up for air.
i'm tired. but it's good, i suppose.

personal projects seem to be on a very good path.
relationship is great... but part-time due to busy-ness.

and i'm leaving for new york in less than 3 weeks!!
i am excited. but i'm also totally overwhelmed.

i'd like an entire day in bed. watching t.v. slopping around.

i miss my friends. i really miss my friends. being back in my home town is good, but it's weird.
too many memories from 10-12 years ago.
constant dreams about people from highschool.
when will i adjust and just be in the present??

dating someone who's older brother i went to grad with 12 years ago... and then some... is just fine, except when i'm constantly traipsing through my old stomping grounds - making memories jump up at me far too often.

it's like one of those dreams where everyone is there, but not... and with a twist... and it's sort of lonely, because the friends you had aren't your friends anymore... and the friends you have aren't here.

i think sleep may be the only solution to my problem.

oh, the ramble. i should have probably saved this one for the journal.
anyhoo. i hope some of you are still reading this. i really miss the crap out of you guys.

too good

if something seems too good to be true, it probably is...

i need to stop thinking like this.
i'm waiting for the ball to drop and smash into a million little pieces.

the boy. every time i see him he amazes me by something he does or says in complete sincerity.
when i'm not with him, i try not to listen to the little voice telling me that i don't deserve this, and sooner or later he'll figure that out...

but that's stupid right!
i really have to let go of all my past mistakes. i think i've paid my debt already... at least, i hope so.

it's as if life is all starting to drop into place for me... and, granted, i'm working/have worked my ass off for it....

it's just.... usually my efforts are 80% futile.
the career i've chosen
my extremely ideal ideals
the non-compromising life i've imagined

now, 2010 has rolled around... and it looks incredible. my only complaint (which i can't really complain about, b/c it's my own fault) is financial.
but other than that...
i've met the most amazing boy,
i'll be performing my own play in nyc AND toronto,
i'm taking a week off to go to mexico after nyc,
i've lost 20lbs in one year (granted, i was a bit of a fatty when i came back from honduras),
i have more local support for my endeavors than i thought would be possible in a small city,
i have somehow found 80% of the balanced life that i was searching for a couple of years ago when i decided to eff out of toronto and follow my heart.... and it's been a rocky as hell road

so am i here? have i managed to climb up and get to the top of those steps?? have i broken through the next barrier?

i remember, 2007, i felt that i had finally gotten my foot in the door... after 3 1/2 years of trudging through shit. and then i needed to reassess and figure out what was next.
maybe this year i'll walk through the next door.
maybe.

i just hope there isn't such a thing as "too good to be true" ... b/c there sure as hell isn't such a thing as "too bad to be true".

missed chances

it's weird when someone gets hurt... it's because of you, but it's their own doing.

one can't help but feeling responsible.

i guess it's my turn to be happy and move forward. i didn't miss my chance this time.
however, when i think of it... i've almost always purposely missed my 'chance' in the past.

i hope i'm right in thinking that maybe what i was waiting for actually does exist...