unexpected day

i got mugged. mugged you say? mugged. sort of. i wiped out on my bike big time. that hurt. i was in cracktown, the canadian ghetto, the projects.... regent park-ish - whatever. bad bad bad place to wipe out on your bike. my basket wasnt fastned down. it fell. it pulled my bike over. i went down with it. in the middle of the day. crazy crack people came over - yelled at me to get up. one tried to help. grabbed my bike w/ my bag in it - i had a hard time walking. i got my bike -after some other guy came and grabbed the bag out of my basket. with my wallet in it. "give me back my bag!" "all my stuff's in there" "fuck off bitch" "i'll shoot you" no one cared. everyone just watched. everything seemed out of focus. fiction. a bad movie. i called my bf. "where are you? call the police" "911 - hello - i just had my bag stolen by a guy on a bike" "where are you? do you have a description? what was in your bag? where did he go?" i call work "i can't come in to work. i got mugged. i'm okay. i called the police." i cling to my bike and walk to a corner store. there's nowhere to lock my bike. i press my bike to a fence and lean on it. i realized that i slightly peed myself. i feel like a moron. a stupid white girl upper middle class idiot. my pants are torn. i'm bruised. my bf shows up. the police show up. lots of questions. lots of calling banks and cancelling credit cards. my day's been thrown off. a bunch of my play posters are in the bag. they are worth money. my bag is long gone. maybe someone will find the bag and come see my play.
just a day.
bad location to fall off a bike. bad timing.

"i am stary eyed and vaguely discontented..."

spring is in the air. the cold winter-like air. but it's here. the antsyness. the anticipation of what? something. my show opening in less than 3 weeks. my sister and my parents visiting. the show ending. the extra free time after the show. what will i do? what will life be like? will i actually give myself the free time that i'd like?
this time of year always comes with ants in the pants. i'm always just slightly bored. feeling a little bit reckless. i want new clothes. i want to pierce something. i want to lose weight. i want to eat a giant pie with icecream. i want to go somewhere. i want to meet someone new. i want more stimulation. but i'm too antsy and restless to actually get things done.
when i'm rich, i will just fly off in my private jet at times like this. or buy a random ticket to somewhere and only bring a credit card. i'll write stories. i'll run around and scream in exotic locations.
i suppose i could run around and scream on the danforth.
not as exciting - is it?
what is that? spring fever. it's times like this that i remember that we are just animals responding to our natural instincts. animals! all of us.

faith

i feel slightly ill. i started a 30 day cleanse yesterday. it's kicking my ass.
i felt blah all day today - until i went to work. i was dreading work. i wanted to sit at home and mope. but then i went to my job, and i remembered "hey, i like my job!" unfortunately i got a headache and the last hour and a half was a bit tedious - but not b/c of the work.
my bf and i had a conversation last night. about fears. about us. we have these conversations sometimes. they are good b/c they connect us. i think he's a wonderful person... a wonderful person for me. i'm waiting for the day that i can believe in fairytales again... that i can believe in "love conquering all" and "meant to be" and "soulmates". he's worthy of all these things - but i'm still cynical.
it's hard to restore beliefs 100% when they've been shaken. i used to believe in things so strongly, with such conviction. now i protect myself. i don't committ. i wait and see. that's not good enough. how do i get it back?

goodtimes on my own

i'm starting to settle into living alone. i like it! i don't have to share! i never liked sharing. i was always taught to share - so it's not my parents fault. i clearly was born with a "doesn't like to share" gene. i can't help it. i don't even really like sharing with my cat. his litter box is under the sink in the bathroom. he likes to kick his shit out of his litter box. i think he does it to piss me off. how would he like it if i did my business beside the toilet? i think he would find it insulting. at least he hasn't yet rolled his turds over to my bedroom area. he used to do that when i lived in a basement apartment. i don't think he liked it there. why do animals get away with leaving their shit around when they're pissed off? if i did that i wouldn't have any friends. my cat, however has friends. people like him. even cats like him. it must be his stunning personality.

all by myself

i've moved out on my own. it hasn't really sunk in. i live closer to work. i don't know if that's a good thing. the commute is short. but it's also weird b/c i'm so used to that neighborhood being associated with work, that i haven't yet figured out how to remove work from my mind when i'm in my own area. if that makes sense.... and i'm farther away from my bf. so we see eachother a bit less. and i haven't quite figured my way around the area yet. i don't have a routine for buying groceries etc. i feel like i'm alone more often - which i am - and i think that's a good thing - but it takes some getting used to.... so now i'm at my bf's place - he's not here - and i'm watching connie and carla go to vegas... or something like that - and blogging, and trying to do some work... or something. clearly avoiding my quiet aloneness at my place. maybe i need cable.
cable is the devil.
i also just ate half a tub of icecream. there's been a lot more of that going on lately.
i suppose all this just takes some adjusting to.
being on my own is empowering - but it's also kind of scary - it's like i don't have backup anymore. roommates are kind of like family - and now i dont live with family anymore.

having your bf read your blog regularily can actually be a good thing. i guess what they say about communication is true.

post from the past

okay. so i've decided to post the post that i didn't post... all in the spirit of what a blog should be. also - my issues in my past post are still in my head. so here it is:
feb 23rd, 2007.
i've gotten myself all worked up. i was talking to my bf about 'when harry met sally' - or he brought it up - can't remember - re: how all men want to sleep with their female friends. which i replied "do you?" and he said 'of course - don't you have fantasy people?" which of course made me want to throw up in my mouth. i said "well, yeah, sort of - but nothing consistent." i just can't get these comments out of my head. i can't stand the thought of him thinking about these other women. i'm obsessed with it. it's eating me up. and i said "i know who they are too" and i named a few - and he didn't deny. he didn't say anything at all. and i wanted to cry. he was just being honest. at least my other boyfriends had the decency to lie - or if they dont they tag it with "but none of them are as hot or sexy as you" - at least i got that. and now i feel terribly insecure. i want to rip out my hair. so last night he initiated and i just couldn't get into it - i told him to stop. i couldn't get into it b/c i just was thinking he'd be thinking about how hot it might be with someone else. and yes i think about other guys here and there - sometimes more frequently than others - but to be honest, i can't get past the first kiss in the fantasy unless my bf is in the fantasy too - it's like i can't do it - i'd have to force my mind to go there. i've always had a hard time thinking about a full out fantasy with someone i'm not involved with. but i know what goes through my head when i interact w/ a guy i'm attracted to - i know. so i know what people think about. and i'm afraid. i'm afraid that love wont conquer all - and i have a hard time believing in love because i've had it crumble before - and i've crumbled before and let myself down. the only thing i know to be consistent is lust, desire, fantasy - i know how to play these games - i can predict what the outcome will be - but with love - i don't know. i just don't know. but i don't tell my bf if i think about another guy - b/c it poses no true threat - b/c even inf i was single i probably wouldn't pursue these people. and he doesn't need to be thinking about these things anyway - there's no way it could strengthen our relationship.
does he get jealous? he doesn't act like he does. all he says is that he trusts me. and he loves me. and that he chooses to be with me. with me. but i worry that i'll never be the fantasy for him. i'll be the fantasy for other guys - other guys with girlfriends. and those guys girlfriends will be fantasy for someone else.... why is it that we all want what we can't have?