new developments

i slept at my friends house after a night out of drinking. in an unusual turn of events, we did not have sex. this is progress.
i read at an open mic. just a story. it went over well. one step closer to standup.
i stayed at the boys house last night. i woke up without the usual anxiety.

all these things are small progressions for me. i was having a coffee on college today, writing in my journal - still feeling stuck. in limbo. something weighing me down but not sure what.

then i got a call from my ex. the ex with all the expectations. the ex whom i care about but who drains my energy at least 50% of the time. the ex whom i feel like i can't quite shake off. the ex who needs to be my friend.

he got a job out of the country. he'll be gone for six months at a time. he's leaving in less than two weeks.

i'm happy for him, but also happy for me.

a weight has been lifted.
i feel like there should be some sort of celebration.
it's like leaving home after highschool and realizing that there's no way your parents have any idea or control over what you are doing.
freedom.

stuck-in-my-head cabin fever

ahhrrrggghhhh!
what the fuck is wrong with me.
i'm all weird and in a bad mood and lonely but want to be alone, but not really - and kind of want to see this guy i'm dating... but too stubborn with my 'single and proud' image to tell him i want to see him... and convincing myself that i don't like him... that i'm just bored.

i had an audition for a role i really wanted.
i didn't get it.
obviously.
but i got my hopes up on this one.

balls.

trying to date and act casual is retarded.
the only things that are fun are either
a) passionate affairs with built in endings (ie. vacation fling, or foreign exchange student fling)
b) great relationship with someone you can't get enough of and have so much fun with and who knows you so well and loves every little bit of you and visa versa

things that are not fun include
a)relationships that feel like a shit load of work and are based on ideas not emotions
b) casually dating someone you aren't even into
c) casually dating someone you are into but are trying not to be into because you think you should be living some wild and free single existence... which half the time actually consists of eating icecream alone in your apartment.... however it can sometimes consist of being amazing and writing and going to the gym and being fabulous in general... but not all the time.

so i'm obviously trying to keep my single status for as long as possible.... for the following reasons -
1) i want to be free for flinging when in mexico
2) i want to spend my time writing and pursuing my career.

the problem is i have no motivation to do anything creative. i think i'm at a standstill. i feel creatively and emotionally constipated.

i want to throw myself off the don valley bridge.
but not really.
it's too cold outside.

however, not cold enough to eat a tub of ice cream.
but too cold to go out and get it.

what a dilemma.

giving in

i've stopped freaking out for the time being. reassessed my boundaries. i'm still jumpy and off and an insomniac (only 1.5hrs of sleep last night) - but things are starting to seem more manageable.
i wrote ideas for standup.
i called my agency re: auditions and work schedules.
the boy contacted me and wanted to come over last night.
i said no.
but i invited him and his friend to a party this wkend.
i don't want to avoid relationships and situations out of fear.

i realized my two biggest fears right now are:
-giving up shifts at work so i can audition, and being so broke and so not booking auditions
-falling for someone and ending up in a pattern of a 'why not' relationship.

the broke thing is something i'm just going to have to jump into - take a leap of faith with my career.
the relationship thing is something i don't want to analyze to death and control - i did that in my last relationship and it was robotic and by the book - lacking much needed passion - going all on thought.
so i think i'll go with the flow.

say yes to what i want and what feels right,
say no to what doesn't.

sounds so simple, but it's not always so easy.

not myself

i'm all over the place the past few days. feeling grumpy, then inspired, then quickly uninspired, then tired, then energetic, then lazy and hungry.
i was out with neenia yesterday and she said i didn't seem myself.
i'm all in my head.
i'm antsy.
i feel like i've hit a bump or a loop in my path and i'm wandering around without much control over my destination.
i'm not sure what to do about this boy i'm dating.
part of me thinks 'get out b4 you end up in a relationship'
part of me thinks 'just go with the flow' (however that works) or 'stick with it til the holidays' or 'you're just dating, what's there to think about?'
i don't want to fall into my old pattern of jumping into a relationship b/c it's what the other person wants.
i don't want to be in a relationship.
but i also don't feel like being 100% single. especially as the weather gets colder and the thought of having someone to sit on a couch with and watch movies is extremely appealing.
not to mention sex.
i have an audition tomorrow. finally. but unfortunately i have to give up an hour of work for it. i'm losing $30. with no guarantee that i'll get the audition. and i'm already on a super tight budget.
but i said i had to do this.
i said i had to put acting before the dayjob.
one step back.... two steps forward?
hopefully.
i think i should start doing standup comedy.
but i'm a chicken shit.
and i don't feel all that funny these days.
but it's a way i can progress myself.
it's something i can do.

i feel like making a fort with pillows and bed sheets and hiding in it and eating chocolate chip cookies and reading archie comics.

i can't seem to hold onto a thought.
arrgg.

i was on city tv yesterday. talking about americans vs canadians. wierd. i was stopped in the street.
i didn't see it.
i wonder if anyone i know did.

i got a facebook message yesterday from one of my exes friends who lives in montreal. i never talk to him. it was totally random. he went on about how cute i was and wondered why i ever dated his friend. then said i should look him up if i'm in montreal. random. weird. why do my exes friends hit on me? i have no interest in him.
i feel like the universe is just throwing random shit at me for kicks.

it's still there

[warning: this blog contains a spoiler - must read previous blog "more than words" first. how cheeseball is that??]
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I’m feeling conflicted.
I went back to his place last night, partially b/c I had agreed to before the hairclip situation, and partly b/c the hairclip takes some pressure off of exclusivity…
Except for the fact that he’s treating me like a girlfriend-in-progress.
The hairclip wouldn’t bother me so much if he just treated me like a casual dating/sex partner.

If he said “I have to get up really early, so I’ll get you a cab home”, or “I had a good time. We should do this again sometime… I’m really busy, so not this week… but sometime… take care.” I could handle it. If he kept his hands to himself when we were out together. The actions would match the hairclip, so to speak.

But instead he assumes I’m staying over and in the morning says “you don’t have to get up if you don’t want. I’ll give you a key so you can sleep in and leave when you like.” And “I bought us tickets for an event in your neighborhood two weeks from now. Do you think you could leave your Spanish class early and come?” He constantly holds my hand, touches and kisses me in public. He apologizes for the alarm going off early in the morning. He tells me I look sexy ‘morning, noon and night’ – to which I roll my eyes. He gives me a raincoat for the walk home.

My toothbrush, the one he gave me, is in his toothbrush holder.
In the meantime the hairclip is just sitting there on the night stand screaming “lies!”
Sex was distracting.
I was paranoid.
I was pissed off.
I was thinking “when was the hairclip left? It’s all a matter of when. If it was left before we even had sex, that’s one thing… if it was after…”
Orgasm was a nearly impossible thing.

So now what? I have his raincoat. I don’t want to bring the hairclip up, because I don’t want to have the ‘are we exclusive’ talk. I don’t even know if I like him anymore.
I really, really liked him on Saturday night.
Now I don’t know what to think.
I’m not good at breaking things off.

more than words

So I’m getting all nervous and paranoid about this guy b/c he’s actually nice. Like he treats me nicely (he cleans, cooks for me, pays for drinks, provides me with a clean toothbrush) and doesn’t have to point out every time he does (like my narcissistic “I’m such a great catch – aren’t I? aren’t i?” ex boyfriend).

I met this guy online. Weird, but so far okay. He makes me breakfast in the morning. He sends me home with ttc tokens and homemade soup. He invites me to concerts. He’s good in bed. He “we’s” me – which freaks me out a bit. He plays guitar, which is like porn for me. He compliments me. A lot. He notices and seems to appreciate little details about me.

Last night, on the couch, I started pulling the bobby pins out of my hair (I always wear bobby pins to keep my hair out of my face). He lightheartedly mentioned that the other night in bed he rolled over onto one of my ‘clips’ and it freaked him out until he realized what it was.

He mentions how he was thinking about me in specifics: “I was thinking what character you would play in a movie” or “I was thinking about how you like to tell a whole anecdote for what most people will just leave as a comment” or “ I was thinking about you teaching, and what that would be like”. He wants to take me snowboarding.

I’ve been stressed b/c it’s still very, very early. Just dating. But sleeping together. I wonder if I should still go out with other people. I wonder if I could sleep with someone else without feeling like I’m breaking some unwritten rule. We haven’t had the “exclusive talk”.

This morning (after I had agreed to come back to his place this evening) I rolled over, looked at his bedside table and saw a hair clip. The hair clip he was telling me about.

It wasn’t mine.

rules

what are the rules of online dating?
if i am sleeping with someone, is it ok to still make dates with other people?
at what point to i have to be exlusive??
one friend told me that once i am sleeping with and dating one person, it is not in good taste to date anyone else...
but, i mean, we met online...
i don't even know that i have time or desire to date more than one person at a time ... but i just don't know that i'm ready to cut off my options.

the cynicism does wear off

i'm excited about my movie date tomorrow night... date #3 with a so far nice, attractive guy.
i get choked up watching carrie run into mr. big and natasha for the first time in the hamptons.
i fantasize about meeting a perfect guy for me at the rock climbing gym.
i think about romance.
i think i might be able to share my nighttime space with someone else... maybe once a week.
i ache just a little for a warm body to hold onto.

but i don't feel empty,
i don't feel like i'm missing out.
i walked around today with a smile on my face - laughing at inside jokes, loving the fall air, and satisfied with doing things for myself.

i still like being single,
but i'm letting go of my cynic.