Monday, November 12, 2007

it's still there

[warning: this blog contains a spoiler - must read previous blog "more than words" first. how cheeseball is that??]
I’m feeling conflicted.
I went back to his place last night, partially b/c I had agreed to before the hairclip situation, and partly b/c the hairclip takes some pressure off of exclusivity…
Except for the fact that he’s treating me like a girlfriend-in-progress.
The hairclip wouldn’t bother me so much if he just treated me like a casual dating/sex partner.

If he said “I have to get up really early, so I’ll get you a cab home”, or “I had a good time. We should do this again sometime… I’m really busy, so not this week… but sometime… take care.” I could handle it. If he kept his hands to himself when we were out together. The actions would match the hairclip, so to speak.

But instead he assumes I’m staying over and in the morning says “you don’t have to get up if you don’t want. I’ll give you a key so you can sleep in and leave when you like.” And “I bought us tickets for an event in your neighborhood two weeks from now. Do you think you could leave your Spanish class early and come?” He constantly holds my hand, touches and kisses me in public. He apologizes for the alarm going off early in the morning. He tells me I look sexy ‘morning, noon and night’ – to which I roll my eyes. He gives me a raincoat for the walk home.

My toothbrush, the one he gave me, is in his toothbrush holder.
In the meantime the hairclip is just sitting there on the night stand screaming “lies!”
Sex was distracting.
I was paranoid.
I was pissed off.
I was thinking “when was the hairclip left? It’s all a matter of when. If it was left before we even had sex, that’s one thing… if it was after…”
Orgasm was a nearly impossible thing.

So now what? I have his raincoat. I don’t want to bring the hairclip up, because I don’t want to have the ‘are we exclusive’ talk. I don’t even know if I like him anymore.
I really, really liked him on Saturday night.
Now I don’t know what to think.
I’m not good at breaking things off.