aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggg!!!!!

you know when you're feeling all good about yourself, actually not feeling like a fat ugly cow, and then you see pics of yourself that make you look like a fat ugly cow??? yep. that's sort of just what's going on with me. all sorts of fat ugly cow pics of me on facebook. fantastic. i look pregnant and nasty.
next thing:
my exes accountant called me last night at 10pm (wtf?) for tax info re: the show we did together, and now he wants me to mail him receipts and shit. bah! i don't even do my own taxes properly! leave me alone! i need those receipts for when i get audited and have to try not to go to jail for financial negligence dammit!! i hate dealing with anything that has to do with money - let alone having to deal with other people's money.
i can't handle this right now.
next thing:
i leave in a month. a month!! and i have to deal with trying to get rid of all my stuff, find storage for the stuff i want to keep, figure out my finances b4 i go and - now - i have to go to bc for 2 days in the midst of it all to be maid of honour at sister's impromptu wedding!!! (which of course i'm totally there, but a little bit bad timing...)
so of course i'm in a big panic now and am wasting the days i have time to take care of these things by totally flipping out.

flipping out!!!!!
i could really stand to have some angry sex right now.
anyone?

let's just keep this between us...

hey blog friends. i'm starting a blog for my travels - just a heads up.... maybe better not to comment (with your current id's)on the travel blogs in case i happen to be linked back to this blog - as the other blog is totally public....
yeah.
that's all.
i'll still blog here too...
ok.

mom vs dad

i just got off the phone with my dad and now i'm all stressed out about my trip. he called re: my finances. he let me know that he figured i planned my trip about six months sooner than i could actually afford it. he had his 'concerned' voice on.
i don't want my dad to worry about me. i don't think he wants me to do this. all three times i've talked to him on the phone he sounds worried and almost annoyed at me.
but i know i'm supposed to do this.
i don't have doubts about it.
it just sucks that i know my dad probably thinks i'm being totally irresponsible.
i told him i was aware of my finances. i told him i was aware that i'd be in debt when i get back. i'm completely okay with that. this is worth it to me.
i think he thinks i'm crazy and retarded.

he was the one who pushed me toward a university degree. a practical but relatively useless tool. glad i have it, but don't know that i'd be worse off without it... i'd probably just be in less debt.
i can't trust that dad knows best in all situations.
i don't actually think that parents really know best once their kids grow up.
not that they don't know things.... but their knowledge is overshadowed by their need to protect.

my mom on the other hand seems to get it. i explained to her that this is something i feel i was meant to do, and meant to do now. my mom gets those kinds of things.

funny how i am usually more open to my dad as he is less likely to state an opinion or openly judge.... but in this case it's different.

bah! i was relaxed.... i was feeling a sense of calm - which is hard to feel when you're completely about to uproot your entire life... now i feel shitty. now i can't sleep. now i feel like i need to prepare everything now.... which i can't b/c it's midnight and i have to work tomorrow at 730am.

grrrr!!!!!!!

cramming it all in

i got to be an actor today.
on film.
it was great.
i'm exhausted now.
but it was great.
i'd love it if that was actually my job.

now that i've decided to leave, i'm enjoying being here more.
i see my friends more.
i talk to my family more.
i have freedom with my creativity.
i'm not locked down by anything.

if i hadn't decided to leave, these things wouldn't be what they are.
time is going to fly.
time is flying.
where is the time?

my happy list

i wrote a list like this once... but it was my 'things i am passionate about' list. same difference. anyhoo - i figure i need to do this so here goes off the top of my head:

my fuzzy cat sleeping at the end of my bed.
my guitar.
learning a song i already know but singing it in a new way on my guitar.
movies that make me cry in a good way. like juno.
my friends.
when a friend posts a hot pic of me on facebook on a day i'm feeling like a fatty.
sunshine.
cheese with apples or peanut butter with apples.
travel.
fantasizing about travel.
guinness.
performing fun funny stuff.
having lots of cool people show up to my show.
a party that suprises me by being super fun when i thought it would be lame.
sitting around hungover with girlfriends eating and talking all day in pj's.
climbing a really tough route and making it to the top.
late cancelations at work and still getting paid for it.
pie.
running outside when my body isn't hurting.
talking on the phone to my sister.
younger boys who hit on me.
musicians.
getting up early enough to have a non-rushed breakfast before work.
a co-worker going for a coffee run.
coffee at jet fuel in cabbagetown.
visiting family.
writing something new.
checking stuff off of my things to do list.
inside jokes.
figuring it out.
watching my hot friends be in hot shows.
letting it all hang out.
wine and cheese and great conversations.
knowing that i'm having an adventure.

all new

so i've left my blog for a while. been doing other writing i guess. lots has changed with me.
such as...

i'm giving up my apartment.
i'm 'lending' my cat to a friend for a while.
i'm leaving the country for 6 and a half months.
i'm leaving my acting career for a while.... and i suppose my agency for a while.
leaving my job.
going to travel alone through mexico and central america.
going to volunteer in honduras for 5 months.
going to create an arts program for kids in a country where i don't really speak their language.
all by the seat of my pants.

don't know what i'm going to do when i get back.
not really sure what i'm going to do while i'm gone.
not sure how i'm going to be ok financially.
not sure how safe i'll be. or how healthy.

but a lightbulb went on a couple of weeks ago and a voice said i had to go do this.
so i am.
and i'm totally freaked out.