no holds barred

i've made a conscious decision to not put myself in a box. i will wander this earth freely! i realized recently (when the possibility of leaving toronto for 8 months came up) that i've tied myself to my "goals" in a restrictive way - not that i'll abandon goal setting... it's just that i need to be more creative and free myself from my own non conventional conventions. i need to think outside the box. i need to stand on the box, under the box.... with a fox... and courtney cox.... wearing sox....
see! who knows - i could be the next dr. seus!! no?...
ok.
well - something else then.

correction

it's haagen dazs. now i'm all spelling self conscious b/c of skinny rabbit's grammar post a while back.
damn you! i am a victim of the "creative spelling" movement in my elementary school.
i was f'd over at an early age.

life feels like it's taking extra energy lately.
i want to get away. like lenny kravitz... yeah yeah yeah.

hair grows back

so i've stopped panicking for a moment to breathe, sit back, and take a look at life. financial shit i am still in, yes, but i already have big f-ing student loans - what's another few thousand dollars? i really don't know that i want my child, born from another woman's uterus, raised by some strangers - wandering around out there. who am i kidding. i don't even like to share my hagen daaz ice cream, let alone my potential offspring. those eggs are mine dammit. MINE! i'd probably go crazy and start thinking that every child that resembles me was mine, and i'd become that weirdo in the white van asking them if they wanted candy - then whisking them away.
or not.
but seriously, i think i have some other options.
and i had a really good audition... maybe i'll get a job?
i'll be okay. and my hair actually looks pretty good now and then.

donations?

i'm considering... note - "considering"... being an egg donor. i'm in serious financial shiaat. is this a bad idea? i met a girl who was actually doing it - and she said, no weird side effects, except that she was super horny all the time.... great. just what i need.
but seriously... could i do it?

i'm so cool

i rode past his work today and felt sick to my stomach. why do i always feel the need to act cool? like "whatever, i don't care about you - even when you are a big stupid person - it's so not even important to my ever fantastic life".
but i really want to bring my bike to a screaching halt - walk into his workplace and be like
"fuck you for not calling me! fuck you for being all obsessed with me for all of a month and then changing your goddamn mind! fuck you for making me like you and think about you all the time and tell my friends about all your quirks and weirdnesses!! you started this! what's your problem asshole?!"... and then i'd upturn a couple tables or something... i haven't worked out all the details....
but i just ride on by.
because i am very very cool.
with a less than satisfactory haircut.

pride weekend

it's pride weekend and i am now living very close to the festivities. i'm kind of excited! i can go to the parade, party - and just walk home. good times.
with all my disappointments with men, i was thinking - maybe i'll pick up a lesbian this weekend. but then i thought - how do i do that? and what would they want with me when they have a city full of dykes to choose from.
maybe i'll forget this idea.
besides, i think oral sex might be a problem for me.

sex vs love

a quote from douglas coupland:
"somewhere, years ago, so many of us broke the link between love and sex. Once broken, it can never be fixed again."
is this true? i think i made that separation once i decided to 'liberate' myself and start acting more like a man. having sex like it was my right - like it was a hobby. like this is supposed to be a good thing, an empowering thing. now i realize that men seem to be more fucked up than women. i think it could be fixed though.
the thing is, i don't want to give up good ole recreational sex - but the next time i'm really really into someone - i think i might want it to be something more.

au revoir cheffy

i've decided to forget the chef. he didnt show to my party on friday, after he already forgot my b-day -and he hasn't called since. i also haven't called - and i don't plan on it. i'm too good for this shit.
he was clearly a rebound, and 3 months is plenty of time to be rebounding.

they call it being on the rebound.... rebounding sounds like it would be fun. wheeeee!!!! no?
i guess it sort of is... it's after the rebound part that sucks. do they have a name for that? how about 'lying on the sidewalk all squashed b/c all the air has wafted out of the hole in your bouncy ball after it got punctured by a nail?' or 'flying off the trampoline into a tree and getting impaled by sharp branches?'
but that just sounds a little negative doesn't it?

hair

i got my hair cut yesterday. it's not exactly what i wanted, but close enough. it's sort of a 90's style bob... or maybe it's just my new hair cut.
my hairdresser got personal with me for the first time in 3 years. he's getting divorced, moving into a crappy appartment, his wife of 10 years was cheating on him for 5. all of a sudden he and i are friends? i've never had this type of talky talk relationship with my hairdresser. it's kind of nice.
i feel like i should make him a lasagna...
would that be wierd? he just seemed so upset.
maybe that's why the haircut was not as good...

to all my lovely blogger friends

i will be back - soon! i am a slave to brokeness and now i am subjected to the ... library!!! ahhhhh!!! i have 2 minutes and 11, 10 9..... seconds left.
but i'm getting my hair cut today! oh yeah! go visa go....

he forgot my birthday.
but my ex didn't.
how is this progress?
i think i'll just give my self a big embrace and sing "all by myself" celine dion styles - but with a funky techno beat a la cher - and change the lyrics to "i want to be all by myself"
men are too high maintenance.
(note: this is a statement i will want to take back at a later date)

all my friends are getting married

this is bizarre but expected. i am now 26 years old. i'm going to a wedding this saturday (after my fabulous party i'll be having on friday night - come to my party!). i went to a wedding about 3 weeks ago. i just got a call from a friend who just got engaged. i have 2 more friends getting married this fall. my grade 12 grad date + a bit more than a friend is expecting his first child (well, his wife is).
i'm so not even there yet.
will i ever jump on this train? i'm not opposed to it... it just seems a bit out of place in my life right now. am i heading into sex and the city territory? i don't know. if i am i hope i get the wardrobe to match asap!
30 is getting closer, and i keep wandering farther from the path of committment... although, i feel a bit closer to 'happily ever after.' i'm not anti-committment, it's just not for me at this moment. i know it is quite possible that i will get to that place again, and it is also quite possible that i will go back and forth again - and maybe again and again.
is this a bad thing? meh.

i miss my blog!

i've moved and now am slave to internet cafe life - it sucks - by the time i'm done checking my email and doing stuff i have to do - i have to go! and there is so much to blog about! i saw my ex, i actually saw both my exes last week - weird - my parents came to visit - i have all sorts of fun new things to say about my new home!! and i have chicken pox or hives or something - gross!!
ahhh... blog withdrawl!
now i have to go! times up!