giving in

i've stopped freaking out for the time being. reassessed my boundaries. i'm still jumpy and off and an insomniac (only 1.5hrs of sleep last night) - but things are starting to seem more manageable.
i wrote ideas for standup.
i called my agency re: auditions and work schedules.
the boy contacted me and wanted to come over last night.
i said no.
but i invited him and his friend to a party this wkend.
i don't want to avoid relationships and situations out of fear.

i realized my two biggest fears right now are:
-giving up shifts at work so i can audition, and being so broke and so not booking auditions
-falling for someone and ending up in a pattern of a 'why not' relationship.

the broke thing is something i'm just going to have to jump into - take a leap of faith with my career.
the relationship thing is something i don't want to analyze to death and control - i did that in my last relationship and it was robotic and by the book - lacking much needed passion - going all on thought.
so i think i'll go with the flow.

say yes to what i want and what feels right,
say no to what doesn't.

sounds so simple, but it's not always so easy.