in a shell

i'm floating outside of my body and avoiding.
avoiding responsibility.
but that's not it.
avoiding possibility.
responsibility is easy these days.

i understand hermits.
to a certain extent.

i'm a bit of a liar.
i'm a bit of a failure.
a bit of a success.
i know how to play free falling on the guitar.

i'm getting spring fever and the older men can't cure me. not even the cute ones who sleep on the couch.

i'm trying not to be such a pussy.
i suppose i shouldn't use that derogatory term.
after all, i did just spend seven dollars and fifty cents on a feminist magazine.

i'm left behind.
i've jumped ahead
i'm stalling.
fear of failure.
fear of success.
fear of change.
fear of getting older and all of it just being the same.

and the wrinkles on my face are becoming consistently noticeable.... although when i'm 60 i'll look back and say.
i was so young then.
i was so young.

random boy updates in point form

a list of things in my life that should have very little bearing, but for some reason stick to the forefront of my brain....
1. my ex ex ex boyfriend (the one who randomly messaged me on facebook about a month ago) is engaged. to be expected. seems reasonable.
2. hairclip boy a.k.a. under-the-covers guy showed up to my show last night right near the end, stayed to have a drink with me, then very abruptly left as soon as he finished his beer... not sure what that was all about.
3. random dude that i don't know, but knows the man i climb with, showed up to my show last night and now i may have another climbing partner... i'm a little weirded out as he joined both of my groups on facebook - one which really has no relevance anymore. stalker? possibly.
4. my ex's best friend contacted me and wants to 'socialize'. offered to buy drinks. hmmm.
5. this is more of a summary than a point - but i seem to be consistently gaining male 'friends' with fairly obvious alternative motives with whom i have no desire to have any sort of non-friend relationship with. more so than usual. like lots. i wonder if the universe is shoving these men in my face to say "you've used up all the ones with potential, and this is all that's left! too bad for you!"

it annoys me that i still focus on the opposite sex/ relationship drama... i've been writing about this shit since grade six.
i think it's time to put it to good use.
i think maybe it's time to write a play about it. if only to feel like it all has some sort of purpose.

tact

when someone says they'd like to kiss you. ... and you don't want to kiss them.... what's the most tactful way to refuse?
so far i tend to just go with "um... i think i'll have to say no..."

i think i'm lacking in the appropriate response category....

all good things

this blogging circle is starting to get pretty thin. the enthusiasm at which we all used to write has died down. it used to be a huge forum for discussion and sharing - we all started it apart, and it brought us together.
lately the gaps of time get larger between bursts of blogging. our comaradarie has begun to wane.... which when you think of it, makes sense - seeing as it really was about individuals in the beginning... we just happened to form a like-minded group.
i've noticed in general lately that things are shifting. with everything.
it seems like time is standing still, and nothing is progressing, nothing is changing.
i feel stuck.
but when i look at the evidence, everything is changing. everything is moving.
including circles of friends.
it's that time again where pieces start to break off, and each part becomes individual again.... looking for a new circle to latch onto.
it's not a bad thing.
it's just the nature of evolution. the nature of change.

patience

i need to learn how to be patient.
exciting and new things can't possibly happen every second of the day.