seat of my pants

i´m saved after spending an afternoon, eve and morning with only $2 to my name.
bailed out by dad.
what the hell would i do without my family?
i feel like a codependant retard.
i´m 28 years old. shouldnt i be an adult by now?
i´m getting lines on my face.
i´m having issues with the idea of ageing.

the last night i was in costa rica i had a regrettable hookup.
nice guy, but i wasnt attracted.... just sort of went along with it b-c i was super excessively drunk. didn´t go all the way along with it though. thank god.
but i hate that feeling the next day when you´re having those semi gross flashbacks.
ah... just like college.

i´m in a beach town now.
but with no sun and no friends.
but i have some money.
thank god.
actually, thank dad.

i feel like staying away and never going back to the orphanage. is that bad?? or just going back to visit.
i´ll go back.

i don´t know what the hell i´m doing with my life.
what´s all this free-spirit bullshit. why can i not just be content with normal.
i keep thinking there´s something bigger for me. like some grand purpose.
maybe i´m just a crazy wanderer.
who the f knows.

sorry for the ramble.
i need food.

i miss you friends.

balls

fuck.
i just need to swear and beat someone up a little.
why the f do people not do their job when it´s their job?
why the f would someone start an organization without the ability or funds to run it?
why would someone think it´s okay for a kid to only have a non functioning toilet full of shit, but make sure they got to go to a pool or get candy once a week?
why is the head of this organization such a dip shit?
why do i have to pay more to live in an orphanage where i do tripple the work as when i was living at a house?

i need to get drunk.
balls.
this organization makes me so mad.

and re: spilling secrets of the mormon guy?
basically questioning religion, identity and sexuality.
the usual.
totally what i predicted.
step up to artsmonkey´s councelling couch-hammock.

hey!

now you guys are making me feel bad.
like some lame single late twenties loser who´s just obsessed with anyone i meet. i do have standards.
and he´s not a bible thumper.
he´s christian. there´s a difference. and not right wing either.
just young.
and gone.
and not probably quite right for me in the reality of what my life outside of a volunteer house in honduras would be.
but still.

i do feel more sex should have been had though.
what a waste.

i moved into the orphanage a week ago.
new scene.
i actually like it.
and my roommate is a blast and we can talk about sex and masterbation and swear and be highly inappropriate and it´s great.

i think what i needed here was a friend. and not a friend-crush.

and a new guy lives at the volunteer house now.
20yr old tree planter university student guitar player from thunder bay.
totally odd and funny and unappologetic and canadian. sort of vince vaughn like.
a needed addition to the other slightly uptight people there.

funnily enough it´s the 20yr old mormon guy who i´ll stay up til 2am talking to.
he´s already shared extreme personal information with me.
i think he´s majorly questioning who he is.
he likes talking to me b-c i don´t judge him.
i´m like a psuedo counsellor.

good times.
anyhoo.
that´s what´s new with me.

of course

so of course we had sex.
but we were totally drunk and a teensy bit high.
i barely remember how it even started.
i think it was just like an explosion of tension and frustration on both ends.

and then the next day...
acted like it didn´t even happen.
yep.
21years old. right. i forgot.

so totally awkward all day going for a hike with another volunteer and her bf.

finally at the end of the day i said something.
i said i didn´t know what to say.
so he said. so don´t.
so don´t.
nice.
so i said are we cool.
we´re cool.
21yrs old.
right.

and now he´s gone. and i don´t know if i miss him or just the idea of someone who could be completely perfect for me in every possible way.
except for being 21 (nearly 22... but still) and finishing his last year at college as captain of the rugby team.

he left his teeshirt on the line.
i try not to be obsessed with it.

what the hell....