let down

i fucked up my audition. the one that mattered. well, it was ok. but not good enough. blah!
and on a side note - i had written down a blog to post - b/c i was all worked up about fidelity, and jealousy and monogamy and fantasy and reality and expectations of love. but i'm not so worked up about it anymore. so now it's just there - on a piece of paper. i missed my emotional window to blog.
i hate it when that happens.

what is this... stillness?

i'm at the library. i should be looking up monologues for my audition this saturday. but instead i blog. instead i look at facebook. i'm new to it, and somewhat fascinated. unearthing all these people that up until two days ago had disappeared.
and i'm not busy. well, let me rephrase: i am busy - but i'm not so busy that i don't have time for blogging, or a coffee date, or going to the gym, or having sex. i like this. i feel like i'm forgetting something - but i'm not - my schedule is allowing me time to breathe... just a little.
yet this is just a lull. i can feel it. i predict that my next time to breathe will not be for another few months. i have big expectations for this year. i expect to be journeying toward greatness. if this doesn't happen i think i'll be disappointed. i suppose it depends on how i view greatness.

i feel antsy. and excited. like something big is just at my fingertips. like everything will change again. like everything will change over and over and over until i've transformed like a butterfly from a caterpillar.
maybe i'm destined to be famous like my fortune cookie said. or maybe i've just had too much sugar today.

leaving so soon...

so the big move out on my own is less than a wk and a half away! it's a super small bachelor apartment - but it will be mine! and my cat's, of course. i'm excited. i'll be close to work. i'll be close to the organic grocery store, and fruit markets, and my gym, and pubs.... yay! i hope i actually stick to this place for a while. i really am not a fan of the moving.
anyhoo. this blog is pretty boring/informational, so i will end it - b/c i feel like my blogs have not been thoughtful enough lately.

i found an apartment! yay! no more hunting!

what's up w/ the hostile takeover?

so i've been struggling to continue signing in as "old blogger". alas, i've been bullied into signing in through google as "new blogger". balls. today i tried signing in as "old blogger" and a page came up saying "from now on you will sign in through your google account as "new blogger"". oh i will, will i? where's the please and thankyou? where's the "sorry we are making blogging less convienient for you" ?? huh!!
fine.
i've submitted.
but i just gotta keep blogging!

ps. groin update: still pretty f-ed up.
pps. apartment update: closer, but no major luck.... i feel like goldilocks... too small, or too far away, or too much $$, or too grungy etc. etc.

clutzy mc clutzerson

so i was dancing around my apartment like a super star and singing and feeling all special about my self b/c i got an audition for a company i really want to work on (plus i'd had timmy's coffee - aka crack). when all of a sudden ' pop' goes my groin (aka: adductor longus muscle most likely) - and now i'm hobbling around like a war amputee. well, not really - b/c i still have my leg. sorry. that was both a politically incorrect and innaccurate description.
standing hurts.
so does sitting on the toilet.
two things i like to do.
dammit.
you must all pray for artsmonkey's groin to heal.

where will i live?

i'm currently mid - apartment search. i don't like searching for apartments. i like the idea of living in a new apartment - all by myself... but i don't like looking. i went to a place yesterday that, by it's description, seemed pretty sweet. it was a dungeon. how do people live in these places? the guy showing it was like "it's warm".... and i was thinking - so is a monkey's armpit, but i wouldn't live in a monkey's armpit, would i.

s.a.d.

i think i might be depressed. i think maybe it's just the weather.
i think i'd like it to just be the weather, or the time of year, or hormones, or lack of vitamins or something.
i think if it's something else - like not being satisfied with my life - then i would have to do something to change that, and i don't want to.
because i'm depressed. and being depressed also includes not wanting to do anything at all. not even the things i love to do.
i should be happy. i'm shooting a film this weekend. i'm in a play. i have a good job. i have a great boyfriend. i have great friends. after the play is over i'm starting rehearsals for my play. in theory, i have everything i need to make me happy.
blahhhhhhhhhh. in theory. fuck that. i feel like a pile of runny poo. gross description. sorry.

i'm also a bad person for the following reasons:
1)my sister's b-day just passed, and i havent sent her a present yet. i called her, and texted her... but still... it's half assed.
2)i've generally been neglecting to get together with friends. mostly b/c i don't have a lot of time, but also b/c i'm lazy
3)my cat is at home and is probably wanting food about right now. but i'm not going to be at home for at least a couple of hours. or more. b/c i have work to do. work that i should have been doing this afternoon - but instead i was eating sushi and chocolate cake in an attempt to not be depressed for like one second. it didn't work.
4)i make assholey jokes around my boyfriend regarding breaking up or leaving him for someone else. neither of these things are true. i'm just making a lame ass attempt to act casual in case my heart gets broken somewhere along the way. lame. what the f@#* is wrong with me?

listening to 'seal' songs on the computer is probably not helping me any. i don't even like seal. fuck you seal! hmm... i'm going to change my music (well, actually it's my bf's music - does he like seal? he must... i've learned something new.)

okay. i've switched the music to cherry poppin' daddies....... helping? not really.... now i just want to laugh hysterically and cry..... and maybe rent swing kids so i can ball at the end when the kid is holding the umbrella and shouting "swing hio!" is that what he's saying? i don't know. but it's emotional and heartfelt and it's a kid - so therefore it makes me cry. unless i've only caught the end of the movie, in which case it just makes me recount the experiences in which i've watched the whole movie and cried.
now i've over analysed it. i can never enjoy that moment again.
balls!
i'm insane.
i'm going insane!!! help!!
i now have an urge to fling myself onto something or off of something or into something.... i just like the image of flinging oneself. i get an image of a floppy type person/cartoon being dramatically whipped across a space like an elastic band. wheee!
okay. that "whee!" was a total lie. i didn't feel it. now i'm a faker as well as an asshole.
and nothing's worse than a faker. i'd rather be a mother f#@*er. hey - that's a website - or an email address or something. wtf?! i'm totally going to the link. after i finish this blog.
who am i kidding. this blog was finished like five paragraphs ago.