Sunday, February 04, 2007

s.a.d.

i think i might be depressed. i think maybe it's just the weather.
i think i'd like it to just be the weather, or the time of year, or hormones, or lack of vitamins or something.
i think if it's something else - like not being satisfied with my life - then i would have to do something to change that, and i don't want to.
because i'm depressed. and being depressed also includes not wanting to do anything at all. not even the things i love to do.
i should be happy. i'm shooting a film this weekend. i'm in a play. i have a good job. i have a great boyfriend. i have great friends. after the play is over i'm starting rehearsals for my play. in theory, i have everything i need to make me happy.
blahhhhhhhhhh. in theory. fuck that. i feel like a pile of runny poo. gross description. sorry.

i'm also a bad person for the following reasons:
1)my sister's b-day just passed, and i havent sent her a present yet. i called her, and texted her... but still... it's half assed.
2)i've generally been neglecting to get together with friends. mostly b/c i don't have a lot of time, but also b/c i'm lazy
3)my cat is at home and is probably wanting food about right now. but i'm not going to be at home for at least a couple of hours. or more. b/c i have work to do. work that i should have been doing this afternoon - but instead i was eating sushi and chocolate cake in an attempt to not be depressed for like one second. it didn't work.
4)i make assholey jokes around my boyfriend regarding breaking up or leaving him for someone else. neither of these things are true. i'm just making a lame ass attempt to act casual in case my heart gets broken somewhere along the way. lame. what the f@#* is wrong with me?

listening to 'seal' songs on the computer is probably not helping me any. i don't even like seal. fuck you seal! hmm... i'm going to change my music (well, actually it's my bf's music - does he like seal? he must... i've learned something new.)

okay. i've switched the music to cherry poppin' daddies....... helping? not really.... now i just want to laugh hysterically and cry..... and maybe rent swing kids so i can ball at the end when the kid is holding the umbrella and shouting "swing hio!" is that what he's saying? i don't know. but it's emotional and heartfelt and it's a kid - so therefore it makes me cry. unless i've only caught the end of the movie, in which case it just makes me recount the experiences in which i've watched the whole movie and cried.
now i've over analysed it. i can never enjoy that moment again.
balls!
i'm insane.
i'm going insane!!! help!!
i now have an urge to fling myself onto something or off of something or into something.... i just like the image of flinging oneself. i get an image of a floppy type person/cartoon being dramatically whipped across a space like an elastic band. wheee!
okay. that "whee!" was a total lie. i didn't feel it. now i'm a faker as well as an asshole.
and nothing's worse than a faker. i'd rather be a mother f#@*er. hey - that's a website - or an email address or something. wtf?! i'm totally going to the link. after i finish this blog.
who am i kidding. this blog was finished like five paragraphs ago.

5 comments:

nosiren said...

it sounds like you're exhausted and burnt out. Rest! For a full day. By yourself, on a bench, without your bf, without your friends, with nothing but a coffee and if you really can't sit still, then a pen and paper. i discovered a couple years ago that that whole one day of rest a week isn't just some religious thing, it's essential to my sanity.

btw, the phone call and text brought me a smile. you know it's all about the attention more than the present. so thank-you. you can take me out for a birthday drink when i come visit you to see your play at the beginning of april. (wheee!)

Neenia said...

he says swing heil...as in heil hitler. but he's not heiling hitler, he's heiling swing dancing...that part makes me bawl my eyes out too!! ohhh, i want to watch it now and be depressed. maybe you should come over and we'll watch it and be depressed together.
my favorite part of this blog was when you said, fuck you seal! hahahhaa, love you.

skinny-rabbit said...

Your thought process fascinates me.

warriorprincesse said...

at least your depression made me laugh...is that mean?

I love seal when I'm depressed! "Don't be so hard on yourself/those tears are for someone else/I hear your voice on the phone/I hear you feel so alone...my baby..."

Haha, seal is lame, but you gotta love him.

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