s.a.d.

i think i might be depressed. i think maybe it's just the weather.
i think i'd like it to just be the weather, or the time of year, or hormones, or lack of vitamins or something.
i think if it's something else - like not being satisfied with my life - then i would have to do something to change that, and i don't want to.
because i'm depressed. and being depressed also includes not wanting to do anything at all. not even the things i love to do.
i should be happy. i'm shooting a film this weekend. i'm in a play. i have a good job. i have a great boyfriend. i have great friends. after the play is over i'm starting rehearsals for my play. in theory, i have everything i need to make me happy.
blahhhhhhhhhh. in theory. fuck that. i feel like a pile of runny poo. gross description. sorry.

i'm also a bad person for the following reasons:
1)my sister's b-day just passed, and i havent sent her a present yet. i called her, and texted her... but still... it's half assed.
2)i've generally been neglecting to get together with friends. mostly b/c i don't have a lot of time, but also b/c i'm lazy
3)my cat is at home and is probably wanting food about right now. but i'm not going to be at home for at least a couple of hours. or more. b/c i have work to do. work that i should have been doing this afternoon - but instead i was eating sushi and chocolate cake in an attempt to not be depressed for like one second. it didn't work.
4)i make assholey jokes around my boyfriend regarding breaking up or leaving him for someone else. neither of these things are true. i'm just making a lame ass attempt to act casual in case my heart gets broken somewhere along the way. lame. what the f@#* is wrong with me?

listening to 'seal' songs on the computer is probably not helping me any. i don't even like seal. fuck you seal! hmm... i'm going to change my music (well, actually it's my bf's music - does he like seal? he must... i've learned something new.)

okay. i've switched the music to cherry poppin' daddies....... helping? not really.... now i just want to laugh hysterically and cry..... and maybe rent swing kids so i can ball at the end when the kid is holding the umbrella and shouting "swing hio!" is that what he's saying? i don't know. but it's emotional and heartfelt and it's a kid - so therefore it makes me cry. unless i've only caught the end of the movie, in which case it just makes me recount the experiences in which i've watched the whole movie and cried.
now i've over analysed it. i can never enjoy that moment again.
balls!
i'm insane.
i'm going insane!!! help!!
i now have an urge to fling myself onto something or off of something or into something.... i just like the image of flinging oneself. i get an image of a floppy type person/cartoon being dramatically whipped across a space like an elastic band. wheee!
okay. that "whee!" was a total lie. i didn't feel it. now i'm a faker as well as an asshole.
and nothing's worse than a faker. i'd rather be a mother f#@*er. hey - that's a website - or an email address or something. wtf?! i'm totally going to the link. after i finish this blog.
who am i kidding. this blog was finished like five paragraphs ago.