maybe....

... i will go to new york and visit antsypants... i've never been to new york.
... i will wander new streets with bedroom prince and talk ideas.
... i will go dancing - i haven't gone dancing dancing in a while - when you just go to dance.
... i will help neenia bake cookies. i might even share my secret recipie.
... i will climb lots with my ex and maybe some new people too.
... i will stay true to what i believe i need right now, and not let others sway me in times of weakness.
... i will get this agent who is interested in me.
... i will wear skirts more - and buy new shoes!
... i will celebrate my 27th b-day in 11 days without the fear/depression of being closer to 30 and not having enough to show for it. because i do have stuff. lots of stuff.

three days later...

i'm feeling less panicked about the decision. i'm remembering that this wasn't a rash decision... nor was it only mine.
still feeling blah-ish.
lacking motivation.
wanting to sleep.
not wanting to work.
annoyed that the pool i swam at last fall is closed for 3 1/2 more weeks.
wondering what happens next.
hoping i can still have a good summer in spite of this change.
having a crush on john cusack's character in 'sure thing' a 1985 movie that any fan of cusack should watch.
wondering what my ex is doing, thinking, feeling.
thinking i should probably get off my computer and go do something productive.

not fun

i'm confused. i feel like a decision that was mutual has now become my decision alone. i feel like i should be moving forward - but i'm not. i'm still in the same place. and what am i moving forward from? i'm not looking for someone else. i don't want to be in a new or different relationship. i liked my relationship but for various reasons there was a need for time apart.
i think it probably comes down to me being scared shitless to jump into something 100%. i've done that before. i've put my heart completely into one person before. this time i tried to be rational. i tried to hold part of me back so that i wouldn't make any stupid decisions. i didn't want to make the same mistakes. now i don't know how to give 100%.
i feel like i'm completely f#@*d.
maybe it's the wrong person.
maybe it's the wrong time.
maybe i'm just wrong.
i really hope to god that time will tell and i haven't just shot myself in the foot.
this moment sucks.

one year ago

one year ago i was starting to get into the shitty part of an exciting rebound relationship. one year ago i was moving out with a good friend. one year ago i was unemployed. one year ago i was broke. one year ago i was broken hearted. one year ago i was complicated and restless. one year ago i was looking forward. one year ago my blogs were a little bit more fun.

now.
now i'm single.
now i'm not broke.
now i'm employed.
now i'm living completely on my own.
now i'm a little lonely.
now i'm looking forward.

i think it's time to have some more fun.

questions

when two people in a seemingly 'good' relationship break up - the people surrounding them become unsettled. one of the most diffucult things about ending a relationship is answering people's questions. and i know it shouldn't matter... but for some reason it adds to the weight of change.

isn't this supposed to be easier

i was doing okay. 24 hours. 30 hours. then the sun goes down. then there is no one else to talk to. then there are no more messages to check on facebook. then the book that i'm reading becomes exhausting. and i realize that i'm lonely. and i realize that i miss you. and i call you. and you say you'll call me back. and i hang up. and i cry.
making decisions out of practical assesment of a situation never makes it easier on the emotions.
is this the right choice? is this a bad idea? what happens next...
i'm surrounded by relationships that are not ideal. yet they continue. open relationships, long distance relationships. half assed relationships. i want something more. i want to know what i want. i want an 'aha!' moment. i don't want to settle. i don't want to just float along, existing...
but i understand why that is easier. i understand why one would choose that.
i'm looking for clarity.

11:11

it's 11:11, make a wish.
i wish i was skinnier
i wish i knew what i wanted from my relationship
i wish i had the summer off of work but still got paid
i wish i was in mexico, or paris, or vancouver or new york without a care in the world
i wish i had more motivation to do more, write more, be more
i wish my friends all lived within the same block
i wish someone would give me $1500 to pay for my fringe trip to halifax
i wish my sister would call me
i wish i had really cool clothes that always made me look fabulous
i wish i had a personal shopper to get the wardrobe for me
i wish my apartment was newly clean
i wish my next door neighbor and i were friends
i wish my mucscles didn't ache and feel sore and semi injured after a week of sticking to my fitness goals
i wish i had an agent
i wish i was in a movie
i wish my throat didn't feel like rocks
i wish my blogger friends were still dedicated to their blogs

i think i just realized something.
possibly an epiphone (sp?)... i'll have to sit on it a while b4 i come to any conclusions

advice from dad

over the past few years since i've moved out and become adult-like, there have been many times when it's just been me and my dad - talking about life. and i've had the chance to ask him advice on relationships and love. my dad isn't usually one to give advice unless asked, unlike my mom who freely flows with opinions (which i value/have engrained into me), so his words often resonate in my head at times like these. my parents have what seems to be a successful relationship. they hold hands, they do lots of stuff together, they talk -they have sex (gross/inspiring) from what i can see they are quite happy together after 30 + years - so advice from them has some clout.

from what i've gathered, these are a few things my dad believes about relationships:

-marry someone you love, whois your best friend, who has similar values.
-marry the person you would most want to spend the rest of your life with over anyone else.
-keep mutual friends.
-don't go on 'girls/boys night out' style vacations without your significant other (eg. vegas or all inclusive resorts - i think camping and outdoorsy vacations with littl potential for extra marital hookups are okay- i'm a little fuzzy on the details)
-restrict social time with friends of the opposite sex to daytime, preferably public locations - eg. lunch or coffee. dinners, drinks and eveinging home visits are generally innappropriate/potentially sending the wrong message/potentially risky.

then, of course there's the advice from mom:
-your spouse should be your best friend and have similar values
-not advisable to live with someone you don't intend to marry
-communicate
-be a unit/do things together
-it's not wise to marry someone you haven't slept with yet - just in case they are gay.

i think my parents are pretty smart. sometimes the advice torments me slightly as i am still forming my own opinions. but part of me thinks that their opinions have more value as they are in an actual life-long, happy, working relationship - where as i rarely know what the f i'm doing.

as i write this, my bf is at home with a female friend. they had a date to watch a movie that had mutual interest as they both want to work with the director. i just got a call from him around midnight, saying hi - making plans for tomorrow, and telling me that he's thinking about me. it's quite possible that he's discussed me with her. it's quite possible that he's disclosed to her that things are a little shakey (for lack of a better word) between us right now. yet this doesn't bother me at this moment. i'm not jealous/i don't feel threatned. i don't think that there's anything "going on". however, in the long run, i don't know how i feel about this type of socializing with the opposite sex. in the long run, it can't be the wisest choice. however, at this point in my life i'm thinking mostly about the present - which may be why i'm not bothered by this.
i wonder how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot?
what is the general opinion on friends of the opposite sex when in a relationship?

hooked up

i have the internet at home! yeeha! hopefully this means i will be blogging more.
see you more often friends!