Friday, May 25, 2007

not fun

i'm confused. i feel like a decision that was mutual has now become my decision alone. i feel like i should be moving forward - but i'm not. i'm still in the same place. and what am i moving forward from? i'm not looking for someone else. i don't want to be in a new or different relationship. i liked my relationship but for various reasons there was a need for time apart.
i think it probably comes down to me being scared shitless to jump into something 100%. i've done that before. i've put my heart completely into one person before. this time i tried to be rational. i tried to hold part of me back so that i wouldn't make any stupid decisions. i didn't want to make the same mistakes. now i don't know how to give 100%.
i feel like i'm completely f#@*d.
maybe it's the wrong person.
maybe it's the wrong time.
maybe i'm just wrong.
i really hope to god that time will tell and i haven't just shot myself in the foot.
this moment sucks.


DancingAntsInMyPants said...

it sucks right NOW. but NOW will be LATER and then you'll realise that you didn't shoot yourself in the foot. you just took a step. a scary one. but one that will take you forward. i believe that sometimes our subconscious mind is slightly ahead of us, making decisions, and we don't actually understand them until a little while later. all you can do right now is trust it.

nosiren said...

Why does it no longer seem mutual? If you had thought it wasn't mutual before, would you still have done it? Is rational really what you wanted, or were you hoping for a little more passionate resistance?

And maybe, too, it just takes time. Listen to your gut. My gut's usually right, in the long run.

warriorprincesse said...

Sometimes it seems like we're still in the same place. I was absolutely sure I was exactly the same when someone who knows me better than almost anyone told me that I've grown so much he almost didn't recognise me. you're always growing.

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