to thine own self be true

i'm an insomniac.
today was a healthy day - when i eat healthy it's harder to sleep. so now i'm drinking beer. good choice.
i was thinking about meant-to-be. i was thinking about fate. i was thinking about "to thine own self be true..."
i saw a play about a man who denied himself his true love for his entire life because he didn't want to be a homosexual. it eventually destroyed him and the people he loved.
i wonder if i've been too practical with my love life. after having my heart broken, i've gone about things to ensure that it never happens again. i've lived inside a shell. i've taken no personal/emotional risks.
but is that really true to who i am? or am i just being safe.

i lost faith in love a couple of years ago.
just in the past week i've felt a flicker of something that i haven't felt in a while - faith.
faith that there might be such thing as true love/meant to be.

time to myself has proven to be valuable. so has time with friends. old and new. i want more time.
i'm going to new york - and i'm going to soak it in, send out some questions to the universe, and listen.

?

i was walking on the danforth today and i passed a wedding dress shop that i usually distainfully ignore.
i paused. i looked. i wondered what kind of dress would look good on me.

i'm not well.

not ready for the season finale

it's somewhere around the beginning of the fifth season. the initial relationship and break up have long passed. the messy affair is behind us. his engagement was broken off over a season ago. we're getting along. there's a visit by train that results in much conversation about our past and a little bit of fun. but i'm not yet picking up the broken pieces of my necklace in a fancy hotel lobby in paris.
this season is about me. this is the season where i have my book published and wear fabulous clothes and stand by my friendships and my career. this is the season where i learn to have a relationship with myself.

pancakes that don't work

he's not here. one week i'll see him. maybe. i'm drunk off of 2 glasses of wine drank within 2 hours. how does that happen? i'm making pancakes. i only have half the ingredients. they arent working.
oh well.
my big will visit me tomorrow.
i'm curious.
i'm living in two different dimensions right now.

looking back

whenever i hit a turning point in my life - i tend to look backwards and map out how i got to where i am. i do this with everthing, but specifically relationships. it's like i'm checking in. seeing how far i've come. seeing if i'm different, and how.

i'm going to see one of my exes this weekend. when i still believed in "the one", i thought he was it. i thought he was it for a very long time. then he got engaged. so that solved that problem.... but of course the engagement broke off - but by that time i was through with believing in "meant to be". we've played enough mind games with eachother over the last ten years... ten years? ... nine. anyway - let's say it's put a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to love.

we still maintain a warped sort of friendship. and he never really goes away. the rest of them go away. he seems to always be behind the next corner ready to spring out and mess with my brain... or have me mess with his.

he's got to be the least 'right-for-me' person i've ever dated. when i compare him to my most recent exboyfriend/current friend - he falls far behind. yet i have a certain sense of comfort knowing that he's still out there thinking about me every now and again. i think it's because i get the feeling that he really knows me. or maybe he just knows who i was.
who knows.

i'm very curious to see how our visit goes.... seeing as our last visit was drama to the max.
too bad i wasn't blogging back then - those would have been some very juicy entries.

old habits die hard

i just got off the phone. after almost 2 years of no contact.
he makes me smile. he makes me laugh. really laugh.
he's such a...
he's so...
he's...
he's trouble.
and he's heading my way.

oh for fuck's sake.

memory

i stood outside of american eagle and remembered a shirt he used to wear. i loved that shirt. he looked so good in preppy/beachy clothes. i got caught in this memory for a while.
then i thought about his current girlfriend.
and i thought about where i was when i was with him.
and i think he's let himself be average.
he always let himself be average... even though he's not. or maybe he is. maybe i gave him too much credit.
i wonder if it's lonely, or if the days go by easier.

i go through phases where i think a lot about the people i've left behind. did i leave them, or did they just not want to come with me? i suppose in the end it's the same. i'm here. they are there.

i get a certain satisfaction in being alone. i get a certain comfort from being with someone.
i wonder if the two will ever come together and i will have comfort and satisfaction.
then i think - maybe i will never be satisfied - isn't that the life of an artist? isn't that why we create? but i know i'm on the right path. even if sometimes i stall or meander around in circles for a while.

at my birthday - one of my friends had a dejavu. i said that i like being part of someone else's dejavu. it makes me feel like i'm on the right path.

if i pay attention to the details, it isn't so hard to figure out where i'm going.

alone

i feel sad today. and sick. i have a cold. my mouth feels pasty. i don't want to leave the confines of my tiny apartment. i have things i have to do. i'm moving super slowly. i spoke to both of my parents yesterday. one in person, one on the phone. it was nice to talk, but i feel distant from them this time. i don't think they understand me. i think they worry about me. i think they want to fix me. but i don't want to be fixed. i didn't think there was anything wrong.

things to do:

- stop being an insomniac
- stop eating excessive bowls of raisin bran
- be in a musical soon
- take more dance classes
- make kick ass demo tape to get agent
- go to ny over long wkend
- get guitar re-strung so it doesnt sound like shit
- be hotter in general
- buy toilet paper

synchronicity

i think i may have magical powers... either that or fate is hanging around me as of late.
situation #1:
a used-to-be best friend of mine fell out of my life. for various reasons. conflicts, misunderstandings, competition, hurt feelings, separation of interests etc. she's been on my mind. two nights i dreamed of her. thought i should email. put it aside. today i'm eating b-fast at a greasy spoon and journaling. thinking today i will definitely email her and say we need to be friends again i even write this down. i am determined. i pay my bill, walk outside and head to my dance class. there she is - standing in front of the door, back turned to me...writing a note that says "hi artsmonkey, i miss you...." i interrupt her writing and we reuinite after four months of not seeing one another.
situation #2:
i don't feel like teaching a particular client a couple of days ago. i think hard about how i want her to cancel her appointment. right before her time slot i go to the receptionist and he says "she's not coming - she got in a car accident" ahhh!!! i ask if she's okay - he says it was very small, she just has to take her car in. phew! but still - that'll cost her a lot of money!
i think i might have superpowers. i need to use them wisely.

now i need to think up a superhero name! i just thought of that....
any suggestions? it has to have something to do with mindpower.... actually i'm also quick too... this one time when i was at h&m i caught a falling manequin without even a sideways glance... it just started to tip and i gracefully caught it while ever-so-casually walking out the door....
but that's the only cool thing i've done like that....
any suggestions?

unclassified

i like my non-relationship. there's no pressure. no/very little expectation. just time well spent. i wonder if this can last. it took about two weeks of being depressed, three weeks of breaking up/trying to be friends and one week of putting friendship into action. there will probably be more work ahead - but so far so good.
i'm friends with my ex.
i don't think i've done this successfully before.
let's see how it goes...