a day off???

why is it that my days off work are never actually days off? i think i may be a workaholic at heart. i've gone out of my way to only be at work 4 days a week - but my "days off" aren't actually that less busy.
for example: today is wednesday - wednesday is my sunday. today i have a meeting at noon, a rehearsal at 2-4, another meeting at 430ish and i'm going to see an apartment at 7pm.
i think i'm incapable of just chilling the f out.
when i actually have a day where i'm not doing anything, i usually feel lazy and depressed.... i'm like "go go go go go go go!!" the only way for me to chill is to leave town. and i am! montreal for 3 nights.... won't it be loverly?

it's been so long!

ahhh! i haven't blogged in almost 2 weeks! i was starting to feel deprived! it's like life just attacked me and swallowed up all of my time. i think i'm emerging from that though...
i'm moving apartments in a month - about which i'm super excited. i will be living on my own for the first time ever! just me and my cat. who currently has diarhia - just a side note... what does one do about their pet if they are sick, but not sick enough to warrant spending $600+ on tests and such things at the vet?
okay, back to topic: moving out... yay! no more bed bugs! no more stupid landlord! my own space all to my self and my sickly cat!! wheee!!
now i just need to find a place.... i should probably get on that.

anyhoo - next on the agenda: being busy, but still trying to have a social life... is this possible?? probably not really! ahhh!! i haven't seen my friends in a long time. i only really see my boyfriend, my co workers, and occassionally my roomie (but only b/c she is also a co-worker). i need to find more me-time. me-time and friend-time should be more of a priority.
step 1 of me-time: blogging... check
step 1 of friend time: have drink with friend... check (i'm going for a drink with bedroom prince tonight.
okay. so i'm getting there.

third thing on agenda: becoming famous.... working on it. i got cast in my first student film yesterday - i was pretty excited. small step, but a step. i'm also in two short plays in a valentines week show - so that's something. no money - but babysteps... good times.

fourth thing on agenda: not being a freak in my relationship. not sure if that's possible. hopefully my exceptionally patient and thoughtful boyfriend will continue to put up with all my walls, freakouts, stresses and general irrational behaviours.

so i have a few things.
these sound like new years type resolutions.
oh well - i had to give into it at some point, yes?

high expectations

it sucks when people you care about act like self centred jerks. it also sucks when people who hold a level of responsibility don't live up to their duties.

i find that human nature is often letting me down.
this makes me sad.
it also pisses me off.

yet under stress or pressure - the world really turns into lord of the flies, doesn't it? when i first read that book i thought - "that's not true, people aren't that self serving!"
but they are.

booourns to that!

too much to blog about

i feel like i should be blogging.
my mind is clogging up from lack of release.
i haven't even been journaling that much.
it's like i have a backlog of stuff that needs to come out of my brain and i need like five hours to purge it all.

i didn't make any solid resolutions.
maybe just one resolution.

to be true to myself and do what i need/want to do in as many moments as possible to be the me-est me humanly possible.

how's that?

i suppose that would include blogging/writing more.

i'm getting on that.

remember the time....

remember the time i missed my flight home to bc, and then had to wait 7 hours in the airport on standby for a flight that ended up being delayed 3 hours? and remember the time i couldn't get on that flight standby, or on any other flight home fro the next 3 days unless i flew from toronto, to montreal, to winnipeg, to calgary to vancouver and then caught a bus to kelowna? so i decided to wait for the next available standby flight on christmas morning? so i wouldn't be able to get home til 11am on christmas day - and even that wasn't a 100% guarantee? and then i had to call my boyfriend to pick me up at the airport at 130 am and i hadn't even gone anywhere?
remember that time?
that was good times.
merry christmas.
west jet can suck my balls.

phew

i actually have a day off of work. two days off! insane! last night was my last split shift and i thought i was going to pass out in my last hour... but no, i survived.. because i'm a survivor. just like destiny's child.

also... i had coffee with the friend who likes me too much... and i think he's gotten the hint. unless he's just playing it cool until his next plan of attack... ahhh!! dun dun dunnnnnn....
whatever... i feel releif anyway.

this blog is lame.
my head feels like a block of cheese.
i was going to go to the gym.
maybe i'll skip the gym and eat cookie dough instead.
it's just a thought.

yummy

my hot boyfriend is making me ukranian food.
lots of it.
very sexy.

horray to being in a relationship :)

of course i'm only in it for the food... and the sex...
just kidding.

(i kind of felt like saying "Not!!" instead of "just kidding" - it was like this flashback to grade 6. i think i'm going to bring it back... not!! hahahaha)

tactful getaway

soo...
still stressing on how to get rid of persistant man who likes me too much.
unfortunately i chose to initiate a coffee date a week and a half ago.
i feel that this gave a wrong impression.
now there are phone calls.
probably should make second coffee date and bring this up in person.
probably most tactful way to go.

none of this would be a problem if i wasn't such an attention whore. i don't want attention anymore. i have enough attention.
i guess this is what i get.

bah.

fear of what?

so i'm facing my fears.
i'm not running away.
hmmmmm...
this feels pretty good.
pretty great actually.

there was a time when things seemed so clear

so now i don't know what to do.
as pointed out by bedroom prince - i may be throwing away something amazing due to fear.

i'm terrified.
i'm afraid of committment.
i'm afraid of the word 'love'.
i'm afraid that i'll let him down.
i'm afraid he'll let me down.
i'm afraid i'll let me down.
i'm afraid that i'll become blinded by love and throw away my career without even knowing.
i'm afraid that i won't be the most beautiful to him.
i'm afraid that he won't be the most beautiful to me.
i'm afraid of the questions from my parents. questions from my friends.
i'm afraid my life will just end up being average despite my efforts to really live.
i'm afraid that love is an illusion.
i'm afraid that i'll do just fine without him.
i'm afraid that i'll wake up one day and wish that i'd had time time time on my own.
i'm afraid that this just might be perfect.
i'm afraid that he could possibly become my best friend.
i'm afraid that i'm staying away just because i'm afraid.
i'm afraid of staying because i don't want to be lonely.

when did relationships become so complicated?
why am i such a freak?
what the hell should i do????!!!

apparently i have more baggage than i was previously aware of.
and i had coffee with my friend who is obviously wanting to be my boyfriend and now i have to find a tactful way to explain for the millionth time that it just isn't going to happen!!

ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm so getting drunk with neenia tomorrow night.

the cleanse didn't work

so i wasnt ready to cleanse. there has been no cleansing this week. in fact the opposite.
and i'm minus a boyfriend.
i can't wrap my mind around it.
i can't quite get it.
i just followed an instinct.
my instincts are usually right.
so why do i feel ill.

but somehow it makes way too much sense.
for no reason at all.

time to open a bottle of wine.
perhaps take up smoking.
if i liked it.

what the hell am i doing.

detox time

so after a week of drinking in paris and monaco, followed by a week of drinking to adjust to coming home... come to think of it, there was a week of drinking prior to departure as well... hmmm... could explain why i feel like a bag o shit.
anyhoo - i bought an herbal cleanse - 7 day - from the health food store. now i can't drink for a week! (she says as she sips her glass of red wine... wine isn't alchohol! at least not to the europeans :)

Hypothetical question

so what do you do when you accidentally let someone fall for you? hypothetically speaking... say you strike up a friendship in which the other person becomes smitten and you are clear that you only want and can be friends? and say the other person seems obviously distressed by this as you leave them at the airport to run enthusiastically into the arms of your super cute bf? and say that person weakly says "call me" as you zip away - clearly not affected by parting? do you call? do you let it lie? do you attempt the friendship even though you know the other person will be hoping for more? what do you do?

hypothetically speaking.

blahhh

it's sunny in toronto, but i'm still heading into post-trip blazees. i spent 8 days being wined and dined, performing for royals and dignitaries, getting countless photo's taken, being told i am beautiful by men in uniform on a daily basis....
at least i enjoy my life here.... but where's my breakfast buffet? where are my glass bottles of evian and champagne? garcon!!

the one thing that made me look forward to coming home was the thought of seeing my bf at the airport. this at least kept me coasting on my air of euphoria for a little while longer. but now i just want to lay in bed all day and have sex and watch movies and eat icecream and pie and cuddle. however i have things to do. i have to work tonight. i have to work tomorrow. i have to work friday and saturday....
blaaahhh.

and it will quickly fade.
laying under the eiffel tower at 1am
swimming in the mediterranean
marching for the prince with the pipeband in front of the palace
eating amazing cheeses and pastries and chocolate mousses
drinking bottles of vin rouge
staring up at notre dame
taking part in a ceremony under the arc de triomph(sp?)

good bye paris and monaco.
perhaps we'll meet again.

i'm baaaaccckkk!!

i'm back.
weird.
i just had the most surreal 8 days of my life.
maybe it was all just a dream?

bye!

so i lied about 8 days. i'll be gone for 8 days... not in 8 days. i'm leaving tomorrow!! yikes! not packed yet! 10pm at night!
i'm a procrastinator.

sooo....
sidebar:
got a call from ex boyfriend at 2am last night... no message.
i almost didn't recognize the number on my phone.
interesting.
sort of freaked me out, b/c shortly after the dog started barking at something/someone... so i was like - ahhh... maybe he's on my deck!
i think i was just half asleep and paraniod....
but what if???

8 days

it's been too long since i've blogged. it's been too long since i had a day off. the last day i had off - i blogged... a ha! it all makes sense now!
well not really.
i'm off to paris, nice and monaco in 8 days.
to dance for the prince.
the prince of monaco.
really?
maybe it's all a scam.
maybe i will wake up in a bathtub in the south of france without my liver.

yikes.

i hope that's not the case.

comment

i'm under the influence of possibly not just marijuana. my man and i just ate a pan of homemade brownies.
with bananas.
inside the brownies.
i was trying to find all the pieces of banana.
unfortunately that means eating through the brownie to find the banana.
a sacrifice i am willing to make.

i ask him if he ever wanted to comment on my blog.
he said yes.
i said which blog.
he covered his head in a blanket.
like a hamster.
like he's shy.
i want to know his comments.

did you know the museum is no longer free on friday nights? how will i get culture now? culture behind glass windows.
i can find culture out in the wild.
but sometimes we feel smarter if we study the contained versions.

o apothacary, thy drugs are quick

i'm going to my highschool friends wedding in an hour. i'm nervous. it's like this mini highschool reunion. i'm wearing high heels and a dress.... and nailpolish.... wtf?
i'm also going solo...
this is feels so weird to me.
why does it feel weird?
maybe i'm just weird.
well. that's a given.
help!

if i could have only handed her a scoop of the ocean, a corner of the mountain
as she lay in the street staring at the rubber tire two feet from her face, car horn in constant drone.
someone had already called 911
someone was attending her side
what else was i to do.