wrapping my mind around monaco

so i've been asked to go to monaco - to dance - with a pipe band, and 3 other dancers. we will be performing for the prince. i said yes, of course.
i still don't really believe that i'm going.... this isn't for a few months - so maybe that's it.
maybe it's b/c i'm replacing a girl who has become pregnant... the whole thing is just way too dirty dancing...
will patrick swayze be there? gee, i sure hope so.

let's wait until we get to know eachother.
let's wait until we really know what we want.
he says.
what a concept.
i want to tear his clothes off.

good morning!

so i'm back to blogging after a long hiatus (sp?) - i was rehearsing, then away, then sick...blah blah excuse excuse....
i now feel pressure to make this blog extra fantastic - like it's some sort of cher farewell again tour....
but instead i will write a rushed blog with not enough information but too many words.

first thing. you may have noticed nosiren's link on my blog. read it - if only for her latest entry.

second thing. i just had a surreal week. i spent 10 days at a cottage with 7 other actors while doing a show. during this time i received 2 texts from my ex - which makes me suspect that he is probably still reading my blog. nothing has come of these texts.

third thing. after our 5th show - i was completely blown over to see a woman "friend"(i use quotations b/c it's a bit blurry) of mine emerge from the audience. i have not seen this woman in 2 years and neither of us knew that the other would be there. crazy.

fourth thing. i have started "spending time" (i use quotations b/c i like to) with one of the actors from the play. he has the exact same name as the chef. what the fo?

fifth thing. i can't say. i have a secret that i have been keeping (from most people) for about 4 months. i have to keep this secret to "protect"(i use quotations a: b/c i like them, and b: b/c it's not really my call to make) my friends. i watch this secret slowly gnaw away at them but one of them isn't aware of what the problem really is.

sixth thing. i'm back in the city and i feel like i'm starting over again and again and again. it's like i'm pushing a big rock up hill and i'm almost over the top - but it keeps rolling back - i'm working on gathering enough strength to give it a good ol heave ho right over and watch it start to roll down....

and that's all for now.
i've missed my blogger friends - but in a way, i think all this time with myself has helped me to figure a few things out.

later alligators

twilight zone

in four months - i will very likely (99%) be in monaco dancing for the prince - surrounded by men in kilts.
i can't quite get it in my head.
exciting opportunities are often so surreal - it's like the first time i got work dancing in japan. i didnt believe i was going, til i got there.
so bizarre.

i guess i'm not that over it.

i'm freaking out in my mind right now b/c i just found out that my ex is or was or did hang out with our couple friends - who were originally my friends - and still are.... the thing is - i was very okay with him maintaining a friendship with them - especially the guy - because why not?
but now it's like this confirmation that he still exists -
now i want to see him - i want to see how he is, what he looks like, what he smells like - if he's dating someone... ahhhh!! no! no - i don't want to know that. i think i would throw up.
now i know how he must have felt after finding out i slept w/someone after we broke up.

geez. i really thought i was over him.
i guess i just wasn't thinking about it.

3rd wheeling it

i spent my weekend in paradise - at a cottage - but unfortunately it was tainted, as i was in 3rd wheel hell.
it started as i sat in the backseat of the car as my couple friends sat in the front. she cooing and petting and baby talking to him the whole way there. (pukedy puke - take that shit elsewhere)
it was heightened as i realized that having a intelligent conversation with him would cause her to sulkingly go into the next room and later (i over heard) have her crying to him as he tried to console her.(wtf?)
then it was the after wedding party of a friend (that i don't know) among a bunch of 30 something couples that i also don't know. i felt like samantha in that episode of sex in the city where they go to that party - and she's talking to that guy, and his wife comes up -and is like "hi - i'm his wife" in this totally suspicious tone. then she gets really drunk and starts acting inappropriately - except i didn't do that - i probably should've, could have been fun. ... of course it doesnt help my case that i looked hot and am young and fabulous.
then it was the couple (that i also had just met) who i ended up sharing the cabin with the second night. same thing - stayed up talking to the guy - about perfectly platonic things - and the girlfriend headed to bed. then i had creepy dreams of him molesting me and i woke up the next day and saw him right away and was like...."hiii"....
the weekend was bookended with an over the top display of icky couple behavior on the ride home.
i'm suprised i made it out alive.
i do have to say though - after this weekend, i don't feel lonely or long to be in a couple anytime soon.
i think i will enjoy dating myself for a while.
and why not? even the sex is pretty great.

running away.... continued

i think running away can happen in your own city. you don't necessarily have to go somewhere. and going somewhere doesnt necessarily have to entail running away. i don't want to run away. i just want to expand. like a big balloon. but not in a physical fat way - i dont want to be fat. but who does. i want to expand my mind, my influence, my influences....

side note.
i love cheese. i do. it makes me happy. on crackers, pizzza, salad.... pasta...
good times.

blogging etiquite

is it rude to blog at a friends house? when invited over to socialize? b/c that's what i'm doing right now - and i think maybe i'm being an asshole.
ah well.
i can't abandon my fellow bloggers.
what if you make out with them to make up for it? probably won't work. he's gay.
but maybe i am too.
when i'm single i tend to dress more like a lesbian. i think it's a defense mechanism.
say what?

*poof* i'm gone....

i've been plotting my escape lately.
how will i do it? maybe i'll get that touring theatre job... maybe i'll join a swap program and go teach pilates and write and find out about theatre elsewhere..... maybe i'll go on a fringe tour - but then i'd have to wait til next summer.... maybe... maybe... i don't know.
why am i so antsy to run away?
is it the permanency of my new home? is it the memories of exes that follow me everywhere in this city? is it b/c i'm 26 and single, and i know now is the time to travel the world - i have nothing truly tying me here... is it b/c i'm unemployed and each effort to push myself into my new career becomes more and more exhausting?
is it because i'm lonely? can one run away from loneliness?

i woke up screaming - yes, actually just one scream/yelp - from a dream last night.

wtf?

i thought for a moment last night that someone (that i met in a bar) was stalking me. maybe he is..... i don't really mind - at least someone is paying attention.

holy shit! this is a depressing blog!
but this is where i can vent.
thanks blogger friends.

watch me kick some ass!

why does running while listening to "stronger" by christina agulara make me feel like a super hero?