rebel without a cause

i just feel like rebelling lately. being bad. doing what i shouldn't. i want to drink, smoke do drugs and have sex with inappropriate people. i want to stay up late on work nights. i want to blow work off (but i can't). i want to eat bad food and spend lots of money that i don't have. i want icecream. i don't want to clean, i don't want to pay attention, i don't want to take on any responsibility. i want to flop around my apartment and order in food and then complain that i'm fat and broke. i want to scream and throw my guitar out the window. i want to write nasty anonymous notes to my upstairs neighbors who throw loud parties on weeknights and don't invite me. i don't want to be nice. i don't want to answer my phone. i didn't send my dad a card for his bday and i'm not going to (we talked on the phone, so i can barely get away with this w/out being a completely horrible daughter). i don't feel like being sensitive to feelings. i'm just feeling like a big grouchy grouch with ants in my pants. i want to have sex but not with my ex. but i'm going to halifax with him for 2.5 weeks and staying probably in the same room. how does this work?
ahhhhrrrgggggg.
i want to break stuff.
it's that time of year.
symbolic back to school.
i don't want to go back. i want to go away.

o yeah.

i just got rapped about while on my bike.
does that make me more white that i just said that.
"i'm lovin' the lady on the bike in the green and black tight"

good times.

photos

ugh. puke. i hate facebook.
i need to stop looking.

fear

the other morning when i was writing my morning pages, i had a small epiphone. i shared it with neenia, and thought i'd share it with the rest of you.
i realized that for the past couple of years i have been motivated by fear when it came to my relationships and partnerships. fear of what would happen if i didn't start or stay in the relationship. fear that i might be missing out on something. fear that i'd hurt the other person. fear that i'd lose the other person and be lonely. fear that i couldn't go it alone. fear that i'd let the other person down.
now i'm in a place where i don't want to merge into a partnership, friendship, or relationship unless it's what i really want. i want to base my actions on positives rather than negatives.

this realization has made me see things more clearly. i now know for certain that i don't want to re-ignite things with my exexexexex. and i'm not worried that i'm letting something pass me by.
i don't want it.
the only reason i'd pursue it would be fear of being alone, or fear of passing up 'the one' and one day waking up and having nothing.

this has been a liberating discovery for me. yet i'm still just in the initial stages of truly figuring myself out and finding what it is that i want in my personal life. it's a lonely journey and i know it's going to be painful at times, but also wonderful at times.

i'm looking forward to doing for myself and acting on my gut.

on the upside

i have my friends.
i have the thought of going to mexico for two weeks this winter to learn spanish.
two weeks of sun and sand and watching boys surf while being a cool, language-learning, nomadic, hostel-staying traveler type.
i felt hot enough today to submit myself for the role of a "gorgeous mermaid" in a commercial. they probably won't call me - but at least i'd call me.
i'm going to halifax in three weeks.
i got more hours this week at work than i expected to - thus i am only partially broke - not destitute.
i'm going to dance class tonight... we'll see how that goes.
i attached my basket to the back of my bike again - making life that much more conveinient.
my exexexexex bf will not be visiting me this wkend. although it would be nice in the moment - it would be bad in the longrun.
i have plans this saturday. i'm tasting the danforth, then going to a birthday party.

so it's not so bad. and the mood is gradually improving.
if i could add a hot passionate no-strings affair to this list and some paid acting work - i'd be good to go.

grrr.

i am in a bad mood. bad. i'm actually generally not in the best of moods lately. i usually have a spurt of energy for a few hours each day - but beyond that, i'm grumpy, pissed off, blazee, sad, annoyed, lazy and dissatisfied. if it weren't for neenia, i'd probably be completely losing my mind.
i'm near to broke. my hours are diminishing at work b/c it's august and everyone is on holiday. i've misplaced or lost 2 of my bank cards. i have to finish apprentice hours for pilates and the studio i trained with is jerking me around and treating me like shit. i'm annoyed by men in general. my ex and i only communicate about business in cold clipped emails. i'm lonely but i don't want to really be around people. it's raining and i was going to ride my bike. my apartment is messy. i have no motivation to do anything. i got hit on a couple times when out with neenia the other night. cute guys. i talked to one for a while. i really had no interest though. what's the point? i'm not wanting to be with anyone right now anyway. i'd just end up back at square one.
okay. this blog is depressing and probably should have been reserved for my journal.
i'm going to go have a coffee. that'll give me my 2 hours of good mood.

book covers

i just came home from eating lunch solo at a vegan cafe on queen east. sitting near me was a six foot tall, very attractive and slim drag queen and a short balding gay wrestler. as i listened to their conversation i found that i had a lot in common with them. i have more in common with them than many of the people i would appear to "fit in" with.
i found this somewhat refreshing.

me myself and i

tonight i took myself out. i was going to stay at home and mope. but then i thought "you wanted to be single so you could spend time with yourself and with friends... so spend some time with yourself!"... i went for a long walk up and down the danforth, listening to my ipod. people watching. feeling very underdressed in my tank and board shorts and flip flops. i think that the danforth may be the high maintenance capital of canada... anyhoo... finally i found a little bakery/cafe where i had a glass of red and spanikopita, all for under $10. and decent red too. while there i wrote in my journal. there were three cute boys sitting across from me. i made up stories about the one facing me. i also wrote about how is facial hair looked like peach fuzz andit looks like a bad attempt to hide a babyface. i left the cafe in a much better mood than when i arrived. then i went to a candy store and was excited to find that they had my favorite british chocolate bar! i used to always get it when i was in scotland. so i bought one overpriced "yorkie" and ate it on my way home. a little too much sugar - and i was about to feel guilty about it, and then i thought - fuck that! it's a waste of my time feeling guity about stuff i eat. it takes long enough to eat it in the first place.
so that was my night. now i am going to watch an episode of the family guy and pretend that i don't have to work tomorrow.

the cheese stands alone

so in 24 hours or so i've gone from being crowded to deserted.

one has said he wont call.
one said he'd call and didn't.
one called to take back everything he said.

i wanted this.

it's a little shocking all at once.

cold turkey?

i always have found the extreme route suits me.

i just ate 2/3rds of a tub of ice cream.

overload

i'm in a shit mood. probably going through substance withdrawl. i feel like i just got back from being in "big brother - trapped in the muskokas". not that being at a cottage wasn't great. but too much emotional stress. a cottage can be relaxing. that's if you aren't there with your ex whom you are trying to be friends with/fighting with/occasionally fooling around with, and another couple who is on the verge of breaking up - all while doing 12 shows in 8 days with absolutely no days off prior to or during the run of the show. it also complicates things when you have a secret sordid past with another one of the cast members which gets drunkenly brought up at 530 in the morning after a night of debauchary. the icing on the "working vacation" (haha) are "i'm thinking of you" text messages coming from the ex ex ex ex ex ex boyfriend who has been hinting at getting back together.
ahhh!!
why is it that now that i've actively decided to be single i'm dealing with more relationship bullshit than ever?
leftover love. i guess i have to deal with what's here before i can get on with anything new.
on the bright side - it seems that things with me and my recent ex will sort themselves out in time. and i'm sure everything else will settle by the end of the summer.

and now i just feel like doing absolutely nothing. but i'm about to go for a 30 min bike ride uphill in 35 degree weather.
am i crazy? possibly. but i just need to move. and running away is not an option. so i think i'll just exhaust myself.