the other morning when i was writing my morning pages, i had a small epiphone. i shared it with neenia, and thought i'd share it with the rest of you.
i realized that for the past couple of years i have been motivated by fear when it came to my relationships and partnerships. fear of what would happen if i didn't start or stay in the relationship. fear that i might be missing out on something. fear that i'd hurt the other person. fear that i'd lose the other person and be lonely. fear that i couldn't go it alone. fear that i'd let the other person down.
now i'm in a place where i don't want to merge into a partnership, friendship, or relationship unless it's what i really want. i want to base my actions on positives rather than negatives.
this realization has made me see things more clearly. i now know for certain that i don't want to re-ignite things with my exexexexex. and i'm not worried that i'm letting something pass me by.
i don't want it.
the only reason i'd pursue it would be fear of being alone, or fear of passing up 'the one' and one day waking up and having nothing.
this has been a liberating discovery for me. yet i'm still just in the initial stages of truly figuring myself out and finding what it is that i want in my personal life. it's a lonely journey and i know it's going to be painful at times, but also wonderful at times.
i'm looking forward to doing for myself and acting on my gut.