yesterday a co-worker asked me about my 'partner'. i then briefly explained my break up (including the 4 months post-breakup of working together). he then said 'you must be really happy right about now' referring to the fact that as of a couple weeks ago i'm really on my own.
and i thought, 'yeah, i guess i am'
although the past few weeks (post halifax) i've been down and feeling alone in a not-so-great way.
his simple statement made me think - i should be happy. i have what i want.
i think part of my problem is i've been comparing my new single-dom to what i remember of being single.... but the thing is - the last time i was left single (for more than a month) i was 22 years old. and the time before that - 19.
i'm 27 years old. things have changed. i've changed. pretty much all of the goals i set for myself when i was 22 have been achieved.
i've finished school, i'm financially independent, i have a day job that i like, i live on my own, i have an agent and i'm actively pursuing my career (even though i haven't reached fame and fortune yet).
it didn't occur to me that i want different things now.
what all those things are - i'm not completely sure - but it's time to set new goals and live the life of 27yr old artsmonkey, not 22yr old artsmonkey.
at first i was depressed - i felt old. i felt like maybe my exciting life was coming to a close.
but that's silly. i wouldn't want to be 22 again.
so all that being said - i'm glad i'm on my own. i'm happy that i don't have to worry about anyone but me. i like doing what i want when i want, without feeling like i'm neglecting someone or being selfish.
i'm looking fwd to getting to know and figuring out this more grownup me (but of course not too grown up)
Friday, September 28, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
god doesn't want me to get laid
i had my first spanish class tonight.
i'm excited.... twice a week i will be reminded of my upcoming vacation. (3 months and counting).
but...
everyone in my class is a woman! wtf? the teacher was like "all women! this has never happened to me!" so i can't even discount this event to the thought that men don't like learning languages...
i thought this whole taking spanish classes thing might enhance my social life/give me options for extra curricular activities.... and by that i mean having deep conversations... and by that i mean communicating through the international language of 'fuck me'.
all women!
and none that i would sleep with (i gave the class a good scan) - of course i considered it - one must keep their options open... stay optimistic... don't throw in the towel right away... work with what you've got.... i mean, jesus fed a crowd by multiplying fishes and loaves of bread...
there are no fishes or loaves of bread in my spanish class.
not one loaf. or one edible fish.
maybe god would be more on my side if i went to church.
but then i wouldn't be allowed to have frivolous sex out of wedlock.
catch 22: go to church and get guilted out of cock - or - don't go to church and you're off god's wish list.
bah.
i'm switching... pagan's have orgies, right?
i'm excited.... twice a week i will be reminded of my upcoming vacation. (3 months and counting).
but...
everyone in my class is a woman! wtf? the teacher was like "all women! this has never happened to me!" so i can't even discount this event to the thought that men don't like learning languages...
i thought this whole taking spanish classes thing might enhance my social life/give me options for extra curricular activities.... and by that i mean having deep conversations... and by that i mean communicating through the international language of 'fuck me'.
all women!
and none that i would sleep with (i gave the class a good scan) - of course i considered it - one must keep their options open... stay optimistic... don't throw in the towel right away... work with what you've got.... i mean, jesus fed a crowd by multiplying fishes and loaves of bread...
there are no fishes or loaves of bread in my spanish class.
not one loaf. or one edible fish.
maybe god would be more on my side if i went to church.
but then i wouldn't be allowed to have frivolous sex out of wedlock.
catch 22: go to church and get guilted out of cock - or - don't go to church and you're off god's wish list.
bah.
i'm switching... pagan's have orgies, right?
Sunday, September 23, 2007
late night 'poetry'
Late at night.
All alone.
Feeling less alone after a good day.
But still alone.
Thinking of something.
Sex maybe.
Love.
No.
Infatuation or intrigue.
None of this will materialize.
Just fantasy.
Non committal fantasy.
And I go to sleep alone.
Well.
Not alone.
The cat curls up.
Pinning the blankets around my legs.
Rendering me immobile.
Can I complain?
----------------------
I remember being sent poetry.
‘I wrote one of them’
He says
‘which one’
‘I won’t tell’
I think I’ve picked it out
He’s trying out romance
Seeing if it fits
I’m the guinea pig
---------------------------
Can you tell me something?
Anything
Something to make me think
Make me change
Make something happen
No
Not right now
You will have to settle with what has already been said
------------------------------------------------
It’s difficult to pinpoint
This mixed bag
Of mysteries and disappointments
Hoping the next will be a surprise
-------------------------------------
When the page breaks is it time to stop?
Stop what
Just stop
I don’t know – no one told me the rules
That’s good
I don’t like rules
Neither do I
So let’s just play it by ear.
----------------------------------------------
If it all didn’t come along so quickly
I might be better prepared
All alone.
Feeling less alone after a good day.
But still alone.
Thinking of something.
Sex maybe.
Love.
No.
Infatuation or intrigue.
None of this will materialize.
Just fantasy.
Non committal fantasy.
And I go to sleep alone.
Well.
Not alone.
The cat curls up.
Pinning the blankets around my legs.
Rendering me immobile.
Can I complain?
----------------------
I remember being sent poetry.
‘I wrote one of them’
He says
‘which one’
‘I won’t tell’
I think I’ve picked it out
He’s trying out romance
Seeing if it fits
I’m the guinea pig
---------------------------
Can you tell me something?
Anything
Something to make me think
Make me change
Make something happen
No
Not right now
You will have to settle with what has already been said
------------------------------------------------
It’s difficult to pinpoint
This mixed bag
Of mysteries and disappointments
Hoping the next will be a surprise
-------------------------------------
When the page breaks is it time to stop?
Stop what
Just stop
I don’t know – no one told me the rules
That’s good
I don’t like rules
Neither do I
So let’s just play it by ear.
----------------------------------------------
If it all didn’t come along so quickly
I might be better prepared
all dressed up and nowhere to go
i was filming a scene today to help a director w/her demo reel. the woman i was acting opposite to is will smith's exclusive makeup artist's daughter btw.... side note .... will this make me famous by association??? probably not.
anyhoo - this is not the subject at hand.
here's the thing:
i'm all dressed cute. cute skirt, tank and bohemian style shirt thing. nice hair, makeup....
and i just got dropped off at home.
now what?
nothing.
this would be the perfect evening for a date.
the perfect night for someone to take me out for dinner or drinks.
somewhere nice.
i want to be treated.
is that too much to ask? ???
i look cute goddammit! there are boring - average individuals being taken out all over this city.... pick me! pick me!
(none of this implies that i want a relationship... it would just be nice to be taken out on a date. a real date. i don't think i've had a guy take me out for a real dinner - a nice dinner - (besides my dad) for i don't know how long.... wait - yes i do - over a year ago. last may or april. too long.)
you know, at what point did i decide that men with money = boring and unattractive? what was i trying to prove? i think i need to be a little more open minded.
things to do:
1. don't dismiss men just b/c they have money.
2. get taken out by men who have money.
3. make sure these men are also sleep-with - able.
one must have goals.
anyhoo - this is not the subject at hand.
here's the thing:
i'm all dressed cute. cute skirt, tank and bohemian style shirt thing. nice hair, makeup....
and i just got dropped off at home.
now what?
nothing.
this would be the perfect evening for a date.
the perfect night for someone to take me out for dinner or drinks.
somewhere nice.
i want to be treated.
is that too much to ask? ???
i look cute goddammit! there are boring - average individuals being taken out all over this city.... pick me! pick me!
(none of this implies that i want a relationship... it would just be nice to be taken out on a date. a real date. i don't think i've had a guy take me out for a real dinner - a nice dinner - (besides my dad) for i don't know how long.... wait - yes i do - over a year ago. last may or april. too long.)
you know, at what point did i decide that men with money = boring and unattractive? what was i trying to prove? i think i need to be a little more open minded.
things to do:
1. don't dismiss men just b/c they have money.
2. get taken out by men who have money.
3. make sure these men are also sleep-with - able.
one must have goals.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
friends
it's good to have friends. even when they are far away or only sometimes accessible. last night was a treat b/c i knew neenia and i would get to see each other - and then upon walking home with her it became a blogger party! like this weird suprise! after all this time of blogging and having everyone start out in very different locations - i would have never imagined us all in the same room (minus miss pants - but i'm sure there will be a time for that)
as i tried to get to sleep on the mattress beside alathariel, i thought about neenia in the next room with her b/f - finally in goddamn toronto... of skinny in the room beside that - of whom i'm enjoying the increased frequency of our encounters, and of bedroom prince down the 'hall' with his man. all sleeping.
like a slumber party.
it made me feel like a kid again.... chatting about anal sex into the wee hours of the morning... well - maybe the conversation differed.... whatever - you get my point.
i'm tired today from lack of sleep - but your company was worth it. i will remember this when i am feeling lonely.
thanks for the medicine - it's exactly what the dr. ordered.
as i tried to get to sleep on the mattress beside alathariel, i thought about neenia in the next room with her b/f - finally in goddamn toronto... of skinny in the room beside that - of whom i'm enjoying the increased frequency of our encounters, and of bedroom prince down the 'hall' with his man. all sleeping.
like a slumber party.
it made me feel like a kid again.... chatting about anal sex into the wee hours of the morning... well - maybe the conversation differed.... whatever - you get my point.
i'm tired today from lack of sleep - but your company was worth it. i will remember this when i am feeling lonely.
thanks for the medicine - it's exactly what the dr. ordered.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
wants
i got my hair cut, i have my appetite back and i'm going to listen to jazz tonight.
this is an improvement.
i was reading old journals/morning pages from 9 months ago. most of what i wanted then i now have.
i said that i wanted an agent, i wanted my own apartment, i wanted to not have bedbugs, i wanted to have more money and i wanted time alone - more space. i wanted mornings to myself.
i have all these things.
realizing this slightly improved my mood.
only slightly though. i still think i'm in a weird funk. getting better though.
this is an improvement.
i was reading old journals/morning pages from 9 months ago. most of what i wanted then i now have.
i said that i wanted an agent, i wanted my own apartment, i wanted to not have bedbugs, i wanted to have more money and i wanted time alone - more space. i wanted mornings to myself.
i have all these things.
realizing this slightly improved my mood.
only slightly though. i still think i'm in a weird funk. getting better though.
Monday, September 17, 2007
sharing
i don't like to share unless it's my idea.
i've always been like this.
when i was a child it was toys and ideas.
now it's people.
i'm happy to share friends for the most part.
sometimes it bothers me.
a friend dating another friend.
an ex friends with a close friend.
a close friend independently getting close with an old friend.
i think it's when the shared friendships happen outside of my existence.
i think maybe it makes me feel disposable.
insecure.
afraid of being left out.
afraid of being second best.
thankfully these insecurities pass fairly quickly.
ahhh... human frailty.
i hate to admit it.
i've always been like this.
when i was a child it was toys and ideas.
now it's people.
i'm happy to share friends for the most part.
sometimes it bothers me.
a friend dating another friend.
an ex friends with a close friend.
a close friend independently getting close with an old friend.
i think it's when the shared friendships happen outside of my existence.
i think maybe it makes me feel disposable.
insecure.
afraid of being left out.
afraid of being second best.
thankfully these insecurities pass fairly quickly.
ahhh... human frailty.
i hate to admit it.
redecorating
i rearranged my room. i have sooooo much more space. and it feels brighter. and cleaner. and less cluttered.
i actually am enjoying having tea at home.
i usually can't get out of the door fast enough to get to a coffee or bfast place.
this is good.
this means i might eat in more often and save money.
this means i'll be in a better mood in the mornings.
change is good.
i actually am enjoying having tea at home.
i usually can't get out of the door fast enough to get to a coffee or bfast place.
this is good.
this means i might eat in more often and save money.
this means i'll be in a better mood in the mornings.
change is good.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
awake at 3:43am
i slept from 5pm-1am.
now i'm awake.
i ate some crackers and cheese. only b/c i was nonfunctionally hungry. food is boring to me the past few days. this worries me. i love food and drink when i am myself.
so if i'm not myself, who am i? good question.
just finished a book called "reinventing eve: modern woman in search of herself"
i've learned new things from this book. i feel like information was witheld from me my whole life. i've been brainwashed with man-propeganda. i already knew this. but i get it even more now.... this pisses me off. i'm glad i read the book though... makes me want to learn more. i want to read the gnostic gospels. i want to know more about how i was mislead by bible stories as a child.
my ex left me messages after reading my blogs. "misinterpreted" he says. "unfair" he says. this may be true.
but what about the day that i don't misinterpret?
how do you really stay friends with an ex and move on at the same time? where does the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship end and the friend/friend relationship begin?
i think he thinks he's better than me in that respect. he's able to be nonhuman, nonjealous, nonirrational. perfectly true to his words...
this could be true.... or it could just be a mask.
i don't want to be different though. these things are a part of me. these things make me real. along with other qualities.
we don't understand eachother.
i don't want us to be enemies. i'd like for us to be friends. i don't know how to be unaffected by changes.
i haven't had much ability to sleep lately. i wonder if something is wrong... like maybe i'm ill...
i think i'll wait it out. highs come with lows.
i have good things that i can think about. but it doesn't change the fact that i'm awake but with no energy. hungry with no desire to eat.
normally i can at least motivate myself to go for a walk or swim or run. movement is always what saves me.
maybe i'm coming down with something.
i'm too tired.
tomorrow is another day.
"the sun'll come out tomorrow" according to annie.
i hope she's right.
now i'm awake.
i ate some crackers and cheese. only b/c i was nonfunctionally hungry. food is boring to me the past few days. this worries me. i love food and drink when i am myself.
so if i'm not myself, who am i? good question.
just finished a book called "reinventing eve: modern woman in search of herself"
i've learned new things from this book. i feel like information was witheld from me my whole life. i've been brainwashed with man-propeganda. i already knew this. but i get it even more now.... this pisses me off. i'm glad i read the book though... makes me want to learn more. i want to read the gnostic gospels. i want to know more about how i was mislead by bible stories as a child.
my ex left me messages after reading my blogs. "misinterpreted" he says. "unfair" he says. this may be true.
but what about the day that i don't misinterpret?
how do you really stay friends with an ex and move on at the same time? where does the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship end and the friend/friend relationship begin?
i think he thinks he's better than me in that respect. he's able to be nonhuman, nonjealous, nonirrational. perfectly true to his words...
this could be true.... or it could just be a mask.
i don't want to be different though. these things are a part of me. these things make me real. along with other qualities.
we don't understand eachother.
i don't want us to be enemies. i'd like for us to be friends. i don't know how to be unaffected by changes.
i haven't had much ability to sleep lately. i wonder if something is wrong... like maybe i'm ill...
i think i'll wait it out. highs come with lows.
i have good things that i can think about. but it doesn't change the fact that i'm awake but with no energy. hungry with no desire to eat.
normally i can at least motivate myself to go for a walk or swim or run. movement is always what saves me.
maybe i'm coming down with something.
i'm too tired.
tomorrow is another day.
"the sun'll come out tomorrow" according to annie.
i hope she's right.
Friday, September 14, 2007
tit for tat
i feel like i'm being punished for my past relationships.
the exact same scenario. me on the other side.
me reading his thoughts.
i think he's met someone new.
i'm sure he has. there is not much other interpretation.
i don't want to be friends anymore.
this is too soon.
a few days ago we were sharing a bed.
i'm not happy for him.
i just feel completely ill.
i can't handle things like this.
i'm too human.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
mother goddamn fuck.
why do i even bother letting anyone in.
the exact same scenario. me on the other side.
me reading his thoughts.
i think he's met someone new.
i'm sure he has. there is not much other interpretation.
i don't want to be friends anymore.
this is too soon.
a few days ago we were sharing a bed.
i'm not happy for him.
i just feel completely ill.
i can't handle things like this.
i'm too human.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
mother goddamn fuck.
why do i even bother letting anyone in.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
short circuit
do you remember the movie's short circuit 1 and 2? with what's his face and the robot?
i loved those movies.
i am taking a cue from the robot. i forget his name. but i remember him ramsacking steve gutenburg (is that his name?)'s apartment reading books and watching movies and yelling "input.... input!!" my sister and i used to say that over and over in his funny robot voice. children are annoying... i'm glad i don't have any... anyway - to my point.
i will focus the next few months of my life on input. the last year and more was all about output.
writing. producing. showing. teaching.
i feel drained of fuel.
i need to refill... input.
reading. discovering. watching. learning.
i was down b/c i didn't know what to give out next. what to make.
my resources have run dry.
so now it is time to take classes. spanish. pilates. acting.... study. go for walks. talk with friends. see movies. read books. travel.
i don't know how long it will take to refill.
i have identified the problem though... so now i feel better.
i was wondering why i wasn't itching to put on the next production, expand my current play or write a new one.
i think i figured something out.
i guess halifax had some merit.
i loved those movies.
i am taking a cue from the robot. i forget his name. but i remember him ramsacking steve gutenburg (is that his name?)'s apartment reading books and watching movies and yelling "input.... input!!" my sister and i used to say that over and over in his funny robot voice. children are annoying... i'm glad i don't have any... anyway - to my point.
i will focus the next few months of my life on input. the last year and more was all about output.
writing. producing. showing. teaching.
i feel drained of fuel.
i need to refill... input.
reading. discovering. watching. learning.
i was down b/c i didn't know what to give out next. what to make.
my resources have run dry.
so now it is time to take classes. spanish. pilates. acting.... study. go for walks. talk with friends. see movies. read books. travel.
i don't know how long it will take to refill.
i have identified the problem though... so now i feel better.
i was wondering why i wasn't itching to put on the next production, expand my current play or write a new one.
i think i figured something out.
i guess halifax had some merit.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
home
i just got home today. i feel like i should have something to look forward to. a plan. but i don't really.
i'm glad to have my own space again. i was on the verge of killing my ex. for no reason other than we saw way too much of eachother.
i don't feel like i accomplished anything by going away.
i hate that.
i liked being away. but it was a weird situation.
i reconnected with some old friends. that part was good.
the weather was good.
i realized that i am older than i was 3 years ago. obviously. but i get it.
i love the fall in toronto.
i want to be excited about it. i want to be excited about my single life.
i'm just sort of blah right now.
maybe i just need to give it a day or two.
even my blogs suck.
goddamit!
i'm glad to have my own space again. i was on the verge of killing my ex. for no reason other than we saw way too much of eachother.
i don't feel like i accomplished anything by going away.
i hate that.
i liked being away. but it was a weird situation.
i reconnected with some old friends. that part was good.
the weather was good.
i realized that i am older than i was 3 years ago. obviously. but i get it.
i love the fall in toronto.
i want to be excited about it. i want to be excited about my single life.
i'm just sort of blah right now.
maybe i just need to give it a day or two.
even my blogs suck.
goddamit!
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
no inspiration
i haven't been inspired to blog lately. i feel like i have nothing interesting or articulate to say. i'm even avoiding my journal. i read. i read the sixth harry potter. loved it. couldn't believe it. and again i am sucked into the wizard world after a 4 year hiatus. i have to wait to get back to toronto to borrow the seventh... or maybe i'll find someone who can lend it to me here... i need it.
i've been drinking beer nearly every day. eating pub food. eating ice cream and cake. running every other day to try to stop it from turning into a squishy spare tire on my waist.... it's not working very well. and now my ass is getting bigger from running. i don't get how that happens... i'm waiting patiently for the muscle in my ass to start eating the fat on my ass.... i don't think my muscles are all that hungry seeing as i keep feeding them ben and jerry's. dammit.
i'm going broke. my play is going well, but the audiences are super small b/c i barely know anyone here... so all the money i spent to get here is not being replaced by ticket sales. bah. and i want to go out and indulge on oysters and white wine.... i'm obviously going to do this anyways, but i'll feel guilty about it.
i'm here with my ex. it's okay. not great. not horrible. i'm being mean. i don't like that, but it's how i deal with my stress - i act like an asshole. it's one of my more endearing qualities. the 'being friends' thing is going alright... i think it should work in the long run - but i crave space.... although i could use a social life, which i don't really have here. and since it's always him and i out together, it looks like we're married (b/c everyone here over the age of 12 is married) so neither of us even has the chance for meaningless flirtation with the opposite sex. bah. it's a mutual cock block.
yet, i'm not ready to go back to toronto yet. we have 4 more shows. this is still sort of my holiday. when i get back to toronto i have to work. i have to complete the things i've been putting off. i have to put my nose to the grindstone. ouch. that sounds painful.
although i am looking fwd to seeing my friends again. i miss you guys.
i've been drinking beer nearly every day. eating pub food. eating ice cream and cake. running every other day to try to stop it from turning into a squishy spare tire on my waist.... it's not working very well. and now my ass is getting bigger from running. i don't get how that happens... i'm waiting patiently for the muscle in my ass to start eating the fat on my ass.... i don't think my muscles are all that hungry seeing as i keep feeding them ben and jerry's. dammit.
i'm going broke. my play is going well, but the audiences are super small b/c i barely know anyone here... so all the money i spent to get here is not being replaced by ticket sales. bah. and i want to go out and indulge on oysters and white wine.... i'm obviously going to do this anyways, but i'll feel guilty about it.
i'm here with my ex. it's okay. not great. not horrible. i'm being mean. i don't like that, but it's how i deal with my stress - i act like an asshole. it's one of my more endearing qualities. the 'being friends' thing is going alright... i think it should work in the long run - but i crave space.... although i could use a social life, which i don't really have here. and since it's always him and i out together, it looks like we're married (b/c everyone here over the age of 12 is married) so neither of us even has the chance for meaningless flirtation with the opposite sex. bah. it's a mutual cock block.
yet, i'm not ready to go back to toronto yet. we have 4 more shows. this is still sort of my holiday. when i get back to toronto i have to work. i have to complete the things i've been putting off. i have to put my nose to the grindstone. ouch. that sounds painful.
although i am looking fwd to seeing my friends again. i miss you guys.
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