Sunday, September 16, 2007

awake at 3:43am

i slept from 5pm-1am.
now i'm awake.
i ate some crackers and cheese. only b/c i was nonfunctionally hungry. food is boring to me the past few days. this worries me. i love food and drink when i am myself.
so if i'm not myself, who am i? good question.

just finished a book called "reinventing eve: modern woman in search of herself"
i've learned new things from this book. i feel like information was witheld from me my whole life. i've been brainwashed with man-propeganda. i already knew this. but i get it even more now.... this pisses me off. i'm glad i read the book though... makes me want to learn more. i want to read the gnostic gospels. i want to know more about how i was mislead by bible stories as a child.

my ex left me messages after reading my blogs. "misinterpreted" he says. "unfair" he says. this may be true.
but what about the day that i don't misinterpret?
how do you really stay friends with an ex and move on at the same time? where does the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship end and the friend/friend relationship begin?
i think he thinks he's better than me in that respect. he's able to be nonhuman, nonjealous, nonirrational. perfectly true to his words...
this could be true.... or it could just be a mask.
i don't want to be different though. these things are a part of me. these things make me real. along with other qualities.
we don't understand eachother.
i don't want us to be enemies. i'd like for us to be friends. i don't know how to be unaffected by changes.

i haven't had much ability to sleep lately. i wonder if something is wrong... like maybe i'm ill...
i think i'll wait it out. highs come with lows.

i have good things that i can think about. but it doesn't change the fact that i'm awake but with no energy. hungry with no desire to eat.
normally i can at least motivate myself to go for a walk or swim or run. movement is always what saves me.
maybe i'm coming down with something.
i'm too tired.

tomorrow is another day.
"the sun'll come out tomorrow" according to annie.
i hope she's right.

3 comments:

warriorprincesse said...

annie's always right.

nosiren said...

the sun came out today here. i was disappointed. i wanted it to keep drizzling. i have puttering to do, and i'm finding that for some bizarre reason, i have more puttering energy when it's drizzly. but now the sun is shiny and the mountains are beaming at me and the water is sparkling up at the sky . . . and it's incredible and beautiful and i'm so lucky to live here . . . but i want just one more day of rain.

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