spam, sleep, nostalgia

what is going on with the spam in my comment box.
not cool.
blogs should be sacred.

on a different note... i haven't blogged in a while.
i'm so busy i've barely had time to come up for air.
i'm tired. but it's good, i suppose.

personal projects seem to be on a very good path.
relationship is great... but part-time due to busy-ness.

and i'm leaving for new york in less than 3 weeks!!
i am excited. but i'm also totally overwhelmed.

i'd like an entire day in bed. watching t.v. slopping around.

i miss my friends. i really miss my friends. being back in my home town is good, but it's weird.
too many memories from 10-12 years ago.
constant dreams about people from highschool.
when will i adjust and just be in the present??

dating someone who's older brother i went to grad with 12 years ago... and then some... is just fine, except when i'm constantly traipsing through my old stomping grounds - making memories jump up at me far too often.

it's like one of those dreams where everyone is there, but not... and with a twist... and it's sort of lonely, because the friends you had aren't your friends anymore... and the friends you have aren't here.

i think sleep may be the only solution to my problem.

oh, the ramble. i should have probably saved this one for the journal.
anyhoo. i hope some of you are still reading this. i really miss the crap out of you guys.

too good

if something seems too good to be true, it probably is...

i need to stop thinking like this.
i'm waiting for the ball to drop and smash into a million little pieces.

the boy. every time i see him he amazes me by something he does or says in complete sincerity.
when i'm not with him, i try not to listen to the little voice telling me that i don't deserve this, and sooner or later he'll figure that out...

but that's stupid right!
i really have to let go of all my past mistakes. i think i've paid my debt already... at least, i hope so.

it's as if life is all starting to drop into place for me... and, granted, i'm working/have worked my ass off for it....

it's just.... usually my efforts are 80% futile.
the career i've chosen
my extremely ideal ideals
the non-compromising life i've imagined

now, 2010 has rolled around... and it looks incredible. my only complaint (which i can't really complain about, b/c it's my own fault) is financial.
but other than that...
i've met the most amazing boy,
i'll be performing my own play in nyc AND toronto,
i'm taking a week off to go to mexico after nyc,
i've lost 20lbs in one year (granted, i was a bit of a fatty when i came back from honduras),
i have more local support for my endeavors than i thought would be possible in a small city,
i have somehow found 80% of the balanced life that i was searching for a couple of years ago when i decided to eff out of toronto and follow my heart.... and it's been a rocky as hell road

so am i here? have i managed to climb up and get to the top of those steps?? have i broken through the next barrier?

i remember, 2007, i felt that i had finally gotten my foot in the door... after 3 1/2 years of trudging through shit. and then i needed to reassess and figure out what was next.
maybe this year i'll walk through the next door.
maybe.

i just hope there isn't such a thing as "too good to be true" ... b/c there sure as hell isn't such a thing as "too bad to be true".

missed chances

it's weird when someone gets hurt... it's because of you, but it's their own doing.

one can't help but feeling responsible.

i guess it's my turn to be happy and move forward. i didn't miss my chance this time.
however, when i think of it... i've almost always purposely missed my 'chance' in the past.

i hope i'm right in thinking that maybe what i was waiting for actually does exist...

no one is reading this

i think i'm in love.
ok. now go ahead and laugh at me.
i don't care.

frick

1) what is up with dudes?
2) why do i care!!?

bah!! all drama no substance.
nothing is simple.

vanity

god i hate it when friends post unattractive pics of me on facebook.
what is up with that?
i don't do that to my friends... i don't think.

oh vanity.
feeling attractive can really make or break a day/night/week/month...
the worst is when you think you look good, but then see pics of yourself after the fact that don't support that thought.
just kills it.

bah.
i should just be thankful that i have all my necessary body parts and don't weigh 300+ pounds.
perspective and emotions really do not go hand in hand.

a moment alone

after a crazy busy week of work and squeezed in social time - i finally have an entire evening alone.
with my thoughts.
and overtired emotions.
not always fun... but necessary for the self check-in.

i've finally started to profess happiness here. in my home town.
i have a life. some friends that i've actually chosen. work. family. projects.
it's not my ideal. it's not where i see myself. it's temporary.
lately, it's been nice. i've been happy for at least a month straight... which, to be honest, is a big deal.
i don't know how long this will last.
taking a moment to pause... and being out the other end of my relationship that didn't quite begin... i worry that i'm losing myself.

nostalgia kicks in.
all the amazing things i've experienced. the person i was. the friends who are all way too far away.
i came home to refuel. reboot. get my feet back under me. get some perspective.
it feels like i'm half way there.

i'm trying not to be impatient.
i feel like my trip to nyc in feb will be like a big smack in the face for me. i don't know how i'm going to be able to come back here after that.
or maybe it'll suck.
it's still so far away.
and i'm not at all prepared... better get on that.

it's just... the people here... even the theatre people...they don't get me. they don't get it. they might love theatre, but they don't live life as a theatre artist. they might have been in a thousand plays... but never created even 5 minutes of something original... something that involves risk.
if i stay here - i'm not going to find people who get it. i have to go to a city... you can't have what it is i want in a place this small.
i get some of what i want.
i get my outdoors.
i get more sunshine.
i get family and health and convenience.
i get the use of cars, i sleep in a beautiful house, i don't have financial burdens.

but i miss my city life. not every day. but right now. the ability to walk outside at night and actually be somewhere.

i tend to believe in 'meant to be' and 'things happening for a reason'. i wonder if the reason my boy 'friends' and i are nothing more than that is because i can't risk attaching myself to this place... eventually waking up one day, and realizing that i've lost the best part of me.

i've still got it.
but i'm at moderate risk.

and i'm totally regretting committing to the community theatre play i'm in... or barely in... i should say.
this is not the theatre life i signed up for. but i can't back out now. or can i..... nope. eff.

well... long ramble could go on and on for ever... but i'll save that for my journals.

i'd better get busy, or i'll keep thinking way too much.

in the blink of an eye...

i'm back to being "just friends" with my friend.
(my celebate friend... by the way...)
bam.
that was quick.
but it goes with my theme of no compromise... i suppose...
two days ago i felt like shit about my lack of relationship potential,
yesterday i felt fine...
today i feel like life is as it should be.
it just makes sense.
it feels easy.

maybe it's b/c part of me senses he isn't truly what i want.
maybe it's b/c there's another new friend in the picture that has sparked my interest.
maybe it's b/c i'm way too busy right now to let anything register.
maybe it's b/c friends have always lasted longer for me than boyfriends.

in any case.
back to 100% single.
i feel.... relief....

aside from the fact that i will never get laid again.

i'd better go for a jog.

the terror of heartbreak

so i'm in. but not fully. just sitting on the edge of it.
casual.
everything is cool. nothing's set in stone.
no expectations.
no committments.
no sense of security.
just one day at a time.
i don't know if i can deal with this.
it will start to hurt eventually.

and so i self protect by picking out the negatives and looking at my other options.

who cares?
not me.
look out for number one.

it always comes back to cute boys.

so i have a big sloppy crush on my cute boy who's a friend.
and we totally hooked up this past weekend.
now we're friends who make out.
and text each other a thousand times a day.
it's disgusting, actually.
like princess-alathariel/eg vomit worthy.

i feel oddly calm about this...

could this actually be a good thing???

i'm waiting for it all to go to shit/me to have a freak out session in 10...9...8...7....

dear princess a

your cookie is functionally disabled.
this is not a put down in any way shape or form.
or some sort of sexual reference.
haha

i just can't access your blog.

fix please!!

silent blogging

sooo.... i'm feeling as though the rest of this blog circle has effed off somewhere. that's fine. just fine... the cheese stands alone. i can deal.
so what's new.
awesomeness. still working that angle. not bad, not bad.
i am no longer in any stupid confusing boy situations - however i have sworn off any and all office boys or similar. for absolutely real this time. it's not even appealing to me in the least anymore.

in other news - i'm getting my old feet back under me. i'm going to NYC in feb/march. oh yes... and not only am i going, but i'm doing a play there. my play. that i wrote. why? because i'm awesome.
i'm also going to s#!t my pants. seriously. holy F%$k. what the hell am i doing?
i expect you all to come and say i'm amazing even if i'm not.
thanks.
also am finally putting together a cabaret out here. who knows how that'll go. it could be the biggest community theatre/highschool talent styles gong show, or it could be amazingness.

eff it. that's my motto. kind of like nike's 'just do it' ... but with inappropriate language.

what else.
i've made a couple new friends. boys/men.... or boys2men... and i'm mariah carey.... um. what?
one of whom i sort of think i probably might kindof sorta have a crush on. but he's in post breakup period.... not available.... i'm restraining myself. for the sake of no compromises/awesomeness. friends. i like friends.

frickin dudes. it always comes back to it.

c'est la vie.

i still miss my artsy fartsy gaytime buddies.
visit me.
xo
or at least comment on my blog so i feel like i'm special.
thanks.

awesomeness

this is my new theme.
and hence, i've decided it's appropriate to blog about it... seeing as i've been less than awesome by leaving my blog empty for a very long time.

i had an "aha!" moment two weekends ago when visiting beautiful victoria b.c.
hanging out with cousins.
staying on a stranger's hide-a-bed.
the stranger was a friend of my cousin. it turns out he's also friends with an elementary school crush of mine whom i've put up on a pedestal since i can remember.

and i thought "why have i put this guy up on a pedestal of awesomeness, when i am just as awesome as he is?"
so it began.
start living up to my potential... and moreover, don't make excuses or dumb down awesomeness that already exists in me.

it's more an attitude than anything else.
yes, i'm getting some more things done.
i've added some goals to my list.
but in general, it's a state of mind.

awesomeness.

i encourage you to try it.

skinny

i just finished teaching a pilates private lesson to a young ballerina.
about 10 minutes into the class i got that faint familiar smell.
the smell of rotting insides.
bulimia.
it broke my heart, even though i know that this is just the way it is.
if you want to be a ballerina.
if you want to be a model.
if you want to be skinny.
if you have to be skinny to do what you want.

she's a lovely girl. i hope it's worth it for her.

bringing drama to smalltown

what is with me and creating retarded drama?
(side note - just because i'm here now, doesn't mean i'll never be back - and just b/c you're there now, doesn't mean you'll be gone later)
DRAMA. boys. life. blah.
managed to hook up with guy who works at my dad's office. this is not the first guy - guy i was super crushing on, embarrassingly made out with at season end party and who ultimately rejected me - nor is this awkward brit who i accidentally kissed one drunken evening and am pretending to forget about.... no, this is yet another guy from my dad's office.

how many guys work at my dad's office you ask? why do i need to create these incestuous social situations for myself???
i don't know the answer to these questions. all i know is that it needs to stop.
i even gave myself the 'don't-do-anything-you-might-regret' pep talk before going out, getting drunk and hooking up with office dude.
balls to the wall.

so i've realized a couple of things.
a) i like making out with people
b) i like attention from boys (duh, who doesnt)
c) after so long in the toronto theatre mostly gay scene - i've forgotten how to behave in a "normal" hetero co-ed social situation. like, keep your regina saskatchewan in your pants already!

in all fairness to me... (ahem: excuse essay begins here)... dude number one i legitimately liked - only kissed - we were all totally sloshed as is traditional for this particular party - and, if he had said 'yes' to me asking him out afterwards - we would have been dating and the whole situation would be cute and told at our wedding (because that's what people do around here, they get married), not slutty (even though I hardly qualify kissing as slutty - but we're in small city accounting land of conservatism here - not free love gaytown theatreville expressyourself avenue). dude number two just really likes me and sometimes i over flirt. but i have NOT flirted with him for MONTHS. although i still think i may have to actually tell him that i'm not interested.
this brings us to dude number three.
i actually kinda like this guy - but was totally thrown off by the hookup b/c i just didn't ever see him going there. but there he went. and he acted SOOO into me that i freaked out and acted reletively yikes/cool-casual the next day....
HOWEVER, i did give him my ph#. and he hasn't called. 8 days, no call.
so wtf?
retardation city is what. and what the hell do i want anyway?? eff if i know.

DRAMA.
plus - guy number 2 and 3 are friends. or at least work buddies. they work togetherish. on same projects. and drive to random places overnight for work reasons together... awkward, yes?

and to add to all of this b.s., i'll be working at my dad's office at least here and there over the next year. (project into future: artsmonkey standing in lunch room with dudes #1-3 all happening to be there at the same time - with their respective friends who know their dirty little secrets).

so, all i have to say is - amazing. me. awesome.

and this is just my local drama.

will i never learn?
i need local gay friends asap who wouldn't hook up with me ever unless we were the last 2 people on the earth and had to procreate to save the species.
unlikely to happen here.
so for now, step lightly... be careful. try not to be yourself too much.
sounds awful. never going to happen.

tune in next week....

back on the blog horse

i'm back home. the blogging will continue after a month and a half of no posts. shameful, i know.
where do i begin?
the summer has been so full of blog worthyness that it would take me forever to try to update, so i wont.

for now i'll just say that i've decided a few things this year.
1. i will not compromise - this i'd decided quite a while ago. and so far so good
2. i will live in the present and the future, not the past. lately i've been living a lot in the present, dwelling a bit in memories, and not putting enough into my future.
3. i don't live in toronto anymore. i live in b.c.. i need to committ to that. i'm changing my phone number, my drivers licence, my health care. time to stop being such a nomad for a while.
4. i need to make money, even if that means working a 'real job' until i'm out of debt and have some savings so that i can have some freedom.

okay. that's all for now.
i'll save the stories for later.

3 days in mexio

travel makes the rest of life seem irrelevant in the moment.
home has family, friends and pursuit of a dream.
travel has life.

it´s all life though, isn´t it...
i crave variety more the older i get.
the closer i get to an age where i might settle down
the more i want to rip up roots.

carp diem.

last minutes

so, i should be finishing up packing.
last day in my town b4 a summer away.

i've been home as long as i was travelling last year.
time.
weird.

went to a party on saturday night.
was thinking before hand: i bet i'll meet a guy the week before i go to leave.
so what happens.
i meet a guy.

could be nothing.
could be something.

all i know is he's cute, he spent the night in my camper and we just had an hour long fb conversation.

so maybe i'll see him when i get back.
and maybe i wont.

but it seems i've met someone i'd like to see again - and i think the feeling is mutual.

life.
you are so predictable.

ode to 29

29 - so far you are the shit
i can't stop ageing by stressing about it - so eff it.

i've never auditioned this much in my life. not that i can remember. maybe it's b/c i'm applying for everything. maybe it's b/c i don't let myself make excuses not to go. maybe it's a bone that the universe has been witholding until now.
who knows.
all i know is it's pretty great.
except i'm not booking anything that pays... yet. think positive.

for skinny's sake - i'd like to let you all know that i got dissed (yes, i said 'dissed') by the local dinner/community theatre. didn't cast me. lame. lameo lamerton.

but who the eff cares??? i don't. i don't, really... although i thought it would be cool to play annie sullivan, or sing "SWING YOUR RAZOR WIDE, SWEENY". whatevs. no big deal. i'm 29 - i laugh in the face of rejection... hahahaHA!

i'm also mature enough now to ask boys out via facebook. no more silent stalking for me!! oh no - time is of the essence.

so what am i trying to say??
i don't know.
a lot of things suck, but a lot of things are pretty great.
life: bring it on.
30: bring it... well... take your time... but BRING IT.
'oh, it's already been broughten'.... snap.
i have no idea how that last quote pertains to this conversation i'm having with myself.
lack of sleep?
excessive hours driving??

oh - and ended up staying in a hostel last night in the same room alone with beautiful young athletic/rower/climber/swimmer from montreal. he was 22... if that. i was like "oh, this reminds me of something" / "i'm impervious to your charms boy!! i've done this before!"

wait a minute. THIS IS NOT AN ODE!!
dammit.
it's a ramble.
AGAIN

i'm sorry fellow bloggers. my writing has gone down the toilet.
i'll insert poetry or something.

oooh! i did write a poem... i'll post it later. it's all longing and unrequited love-esque.
good times.

dear 29: where have you taken my writing skill? and my maturity for that matter??? don't worry, i still like you - but nobody may like me once you're done with me.

happy birthday to me

so this birthday has surpassed the last three shitty ones. last good birthday was 25 - at bedroom princes place -a joint bday with neenia... i had a cute boyfriend... we all got drunk... there was a life sized cher cut out...
all amazing.
and after that.
stood up bday. awkward bday. alone bday.

this year. pretty low key. good dinner with family. icecream cake with a kitten on it... haha.
drinks with some friends.
not bad.

and i'm feeling good about my age.

life seems to be throwing me some cards. maybe nothing will turn into anything, but for now, there's something.

i need to learn an irish accent by saturday... also music from 'joseph' and 'sweeny todd'.... yikes....
then 4 shakespeare excerpts for monday.

wait a minute... am i living the life of an actor... finally?
perhaps perhaps.
things aren't always what they look like.

tonight i know i disappointed a boy by going home early. but i'm not ever going to love him. so why lead him on? i've always lead them on b/c i feel bad saying 'see ya later'. so i'm home alone. with a glass of good red wine. blogging.

life isn't what i expected in some ways. but it's working for me so far. sometimes i get all self indulgent and whiney and 'why why why'... but then i realize that i'm being ridiculous. i have everything.
well, not everything. but more than i need.

29 and all is well. i think 29 suits me. more so than 27 or 28. the feeling old has somehow melted away with this birthday and now it's just life.

i'm gonna live forever.... light up the sky with my name...