new developments

i slept at my friends house after a night out of drinking. in an unusual turn of events, we did not have sex. this is progress.
i read at an open mic. just a story. it went over well. one step closer to standup.
i stayed at the boys house last night. i woke up without the usual anxiety.

all these things are small progressions for me. i was having a coffee on college today, writing in my journal - still feeling stuck. in limbo. something weighing me down but not sure what.

then i got a call from my ex. the ex with all the expectations. the ex whom i care about but who drains my energy at least 50% of the time. the ex whom i feel like i can't quite shake off. the ex who needs to be my friend.

he got a job out of the country. he'll be gone for six months at a time. he's leaving in less than two weeks.

i'm happy for him, but also happy for me.

a weight has been lifted.
i feel like there should be some sort of celebration.
it's like leaving home after highschool and realizing that there's no way your parents have any idea or control over what you are doing.
freedom.

stuck-in-my-head cabin fever

ahhrrrggghhhh!
what the fuck is wrong with me.
i'm all weird and in a bad mood and lonely but want to be alone, but not really - and kind of want to see this guy i'm dating... but too stubborn with my 'single and proud' image to tell him i want to see him... and convincing myself that i don't like him... that i'm just bored.

i had an audition for a role i really wanted.
i didn't get it.
obviously.
but i got my hopes up on this one.

balls.

trying to date and act casual is retarded.
the only things that are fun are either
a) passionate affairs with built in endings (ie. vacation fling, or foreign exchange student fling)
b) great relationship with someone you can't get enough of and have so much fun with and who knows you so well and loves every little bit of you and visa versa

things that are not fun include
a)relationships that feel like a shit load of work and are based on ideas not emotions
b) casually dating someone you aren't even into
c) casually dating someone you are into but are trying not to be into because you think you should be living some wild and free single existence... which half the time actually consists of eating icecream alone in your apartment.... however it can sometimes consist of being amazing and writing and going to the gym and being fabulous in general... but not all the time.

so i'm obviously trying to keep my single status for as long as possible.... for the following reasons -
1) i want to be free for flinging when in mexico
2) i want to spend my time writing and pursuing my career.

the problem is i have no motivation to do anything creative. i think i'm at a standstill. i feel creatively and emotionally constipated.

i want to throw myself off the don valley bridge.
but not really.
it's too cold outside.

however, not cold enough to eat a tub of ice cream.
but too cold to go out and get it.

what a dilemma.

giving in

i've stopped freaking out for the time being. reassessed my boundaries. i'm still jumpy and off and an insomniac (only 1.5hrs of sleep last night) - but things are starting to seem more manageable.
i wrote ideas for standup.
i called my agency re: auditions and work schedules.
the boy contacted me and wanted to come over last night.
i said no.
but i invited him and his friend to a party this wkend.
i don't want to avoid relationships and situations out of fear.

i realized my two biggest fears right now are:
-giving up shifts at work so i can audition, and being so broke and so not booking auditions
-falling for someone and ending up in a pattern of a 'why not' relationship.

the broke thing is something i'm just going to have to jump into - take a leap of faith with my career.
the relationship thing is something i don't want to analyze to death and control - i did that in my last relationship and it was robotic and by the book - lacking much needed passion - going all on thought.
so i think i'll go with the flow.

say yes to what i want and what feels right,
say no to what doesn't.

sounds so simple, but it's not always so easy.

not myself

i'm all over the place the past few days. feeling grumpy, then inspired, then quickly uninspired, then tired, then energetic, then lazy and hungry.
i was out with neenia yesterday and she said i didn't seem myself.
i'm all in my head.
i'm antsy.
i feel like i've hit a bump or a loop in my path and i'm wandering around without much control over my destination.
i'm not sure what to do about this boy i'm dating.
part of me thinks 'get out b4 you end up in a relationship'
part of me thinks 'just go with the flow' (however that works) or 'stick with it til the holidays' or 'you're just dating, what's there to think about?'
i don't want to fall into my old pattern of jumping into a relationship b/c it's what the other person wants.
i don't want to be in a relationship.
but i also don't feel like being 100% single. especially as the weather gets colder and the thought of having someone to sit on a couch with and watch movies is extremely appealing.
not to mention sex.
i have an audition tomorrow. finally. but unfortunately i have to give up an hour of work for it. i'm losing $30. with no guarantee that i'll get the audition. and i'm already on a super tight budget.
but i said i had to do this.
i said i had to put acting before the dayjob.
one step back.... two steps forward?
hopefully.
i think i should start doing standup comedy.
but i'm a chicken shit.
and i don't feel all that funny these days.
but it's a way i can progress myself.
it's something i can do.

i feel like making a fort with pillows and bed sheets and hiding in it and eating chocolate chip cookies and reading archie comics.

i can't seem to hold onto a thought.
arrgg.

i was on city tv yesterday. talking about americans vs canadians. wierd. i was stopped in the street.
i didn't see it.
i wonder if anyone i know did.

i got a facebook message yesterday from one of my exes friends who lives in montreal. i never talk to him. it was totally random. he went on about how cute i was and wondered why i ever dated his friend. then said i should look him up if i'm in montreal. random. weird. why do my exes friends hit on me? i have no interest in him.
i feel like the universe is just throwing random shit at me for kicks.

it's still there

[warning: this blog contains a spoiler - must read previous blog "more than words" first. how cheeseball is that??]
------------------------------
I’m feeling conflicted.
I went back to his place last night, partially b/c I had agreed to before the hairclip situation, and partly b/c the hairclip takes some pressure off of exclusivity…
Except for the fact that he’s treating me like a girlfriend-in-progress.
The hairclip wouldn’t bother me so much if he just treated me like a casual dating/sex partner.

If he said “I have to get up really early, so I’ll get you a cab home”, or “I had a good time. We should do this again sometime… I’m really busy, so not this week… but sometime… take care.” I could handle it. If he kept his hands to himself when we were out together. The actions would match the hairclip, so to speak.

But instead he assumes I’m staying over and in the morning says “you don’t have to get up if you don’t want. I’ll give you a key so you can sleep in and leave when you like.” And “I bought us tickets for an event in your neighborhood two weeks from now. Do you think you could leave your Spanish class early and come?” He constantly holds my hand, touches and kisses me in public. He apologizes for the alarm going off early in the morning. He tells me I look sexy ‘morning, noon and night’ – to which I roll my eyes. He gives me a raincoat for the walk home.

My toothbrush, the one he gave me, is in his toothbrush holder.
In the meantime the hairclip is just sitting there on the night stand screaming “lies!”
Sex was distracting.
I was paranoid.
I was pissed off.
I was thinking “when was the hairclip left? It’s all a matter of when. If it was left before we even had sex, that’s one thing… if it was after…”
Orgasm was a nearly impossible thing.

So now what? I have his raincoat. I don’t want to bring the hairclip up, because I don’t want to have the ‘are we exclusive’ talk. I don’t even know if I like him anymore.
I really, really liked him on Saturday night.
Now I don’t know what to think.
I’m not good at breaking things off.

more than words

So I’m getting all nervous and paranoid about this guy b/c he’s actually nice. Like he treats me nicely (he cleans, cooks for me, pays for drinks, provides me with a clean toothbrush) and doesn’t have to point out every time he does (like my narcissistic “I’m such a great catch – aren’t I? aren’t i?” ex boyfriend).

I met this guy online. Weird, but so far okay. He makes me breakfast in the morning. He sends me home with ttc tokens and homemade soup. He invites me to concerts. He’s good in bed. He “we’s” me – which freaks me out a bit. He plays guitar, which is like porn for me. He compliments me. A lot. He notices and seems to appreciate little details about me.

Last night, on the couch, I started pulling the bobby pins out of my hair (I always wear bobby pins to keep my hair out of my face). He lightheartedly mentioned that the other night in bed he rolled over onto one of my ‘clips’ and it freaked him out until he realized what it was.

He mentions how he was thinking about me in specifics: “I was thinking what character you would play in a movie” or “I was thinking about how you like to tell a whole anecdote for what most people will just leave as a comment” or “ I was thinking about you teaching, and what that would be like”. He wants to take me snowboarding.

I’ve been stressed b/c it’s still very, very early. Just dating. But sleeping together. I wonder if I should still go out with other people. I wonder if I could sleep with someone else without feeling like I’m breaking some unwritten rule. We haven’t had the “exclusive talk”.

This morning (after I had agreed to come back to his place this evening) I rolled over, looked at his bedside table and saw a hair clip. The hair clip he was telling me about.

It wasn’t mine.

rules

what are the rules of online dating?
if i am sleeping with someone, is it ok to still make dates with other people?
at what point to i have to be exlusive??
one friend told me that once i am sleeping with and dating one person, it is not in good taste to date anyone else...
but, i mean, we met online...
i don't even know that i have time or desire to date more than one person at a time ... but i just don't know that i'm ready to cut off my options.

the cynicism does wear off

i'm excited about my movie date tomorrow night... date #3 with a so far nice, attractive guy.
i get choked up watching carrie run into mr. big and natasha for the first time in the hamptons.
i fantasize about meeting a perfect guy for me at the rock climbing gym.
i think about romance.
i think i might be able to share my nighttime space with someone else... maybe once a week.
i ache just a little for a warm body to hold onto.

but i don't feel empty,
i don't feel like i'm missing out.
i walked around today with a smile on my face - laughing at inside jokes, loving the fall air, and satisfied with doing things for myself.

i still like being single,
but i'm letting go of my cynic.

understanding

i think my ex finally gets it. he understands that he's my ex and not my best friend. of course, because he is so morally superior to me - he considers me a friend first, and an ex second.
i consider him an ex first - and i'm okay with that.
and he gets it.
horrah!
freedom.

exhole

i emailed my ex bf - whom i'm still friends with on occassion, and asked him not to read my blog anymore b/c it made me feel restricted. totally valid.
so he f#@&ing calls me at 1:20am b/c he wants to talk about it - knowing that i work at 730am the next day! i woke up, didn't answer - but then i was up and down all night and woke up feeling grumpy and tired. so not cool! so not cool at all!! 1:20 in the goddamn morning? is it really that urgent? ahhhhhhhh!!!! (as you can see i'm still filled with the rage one experiences after an interrupted, much needed sleep).
what the hell was he thinking??
why can't i just have a normal ex that hates me?

the internet is decieving

so online guy wasn't what he was advertising.
a bit of a disappointment.
a bit of a relief.
could have friend potential - but it seems obvious that friends is not what he's looking for.
seemed like a sweet guy.
just really young, and nervous, and trying to hard... and a mini lisp....
possible potential... but i dunno...
weird.
maybe the internet guy is there under the nervous first date guy... who knows.

little bit lonely

today is the first day in a long stretch where i've felt lonely. like lonely single lonely. it's not overwhelming - just a twinge.
i have a date tonight. someone i've been out with once before. seems like a really nice guy - someone i would be friends with. i'm actually hoping that's all it amounts to, is friendship, because i'm not sure if i'm attracted to him. although i've only met him once.... the thought of having a 'nice time' with someone i've just met could be part of the source of this new lonley feeling. or maybe it's because the world just slowed down for me today after whizzing around my head. or maybe it's because my friend canceled dinner plans on me at the last minute. or maybe it's because i had sex last night after a moderate dry spell (with a total mutual understanding that we don't want to get involved) and had the taste of something physical again... but just physical... or maybe i'm just tired.
i have an on line crush. this may be either part of source of lonliness, or a byproduct of... i'm supposed to meet him tomorrow. part of me hopes that we don't click in person. or at least not physically... because on paper, he's my exact type - a photographer (hot), adventure photographer (even hotter), rock climber (hot), super active and outdoorsy (hot), a year younger than me (very hot), is environmentally concious(hot), has his own business, his own house and seemingly is successful before the age of 30 (hot/makes me a teeny jealous).
so you see this would be a problem if i end up being super attracted to him as i don't want to be in a relationship.
but then this little enemy called lonliness sneaks up and makes it seem just a little bit appealing.
i just haven't had any luck with those relationship things for such a long time that i've thrown in the towel.... at least for the time being.

well, anyway, this blog is a bit rambly...
i'm sure i'll go back to non lonely by tomorrow.

torn

i'm at a point where i want to reduce my dayjob hours (again) and start being a writer/actor full time. this has always been my long term goal - but the past couple of weeks have made me want it now.
i've already reduced my dayjob hours.
and i like my dayjob - it's great.
but i have all these new opportunites to actually have my writing produced. i have 4 new projects to work on... actually 5... but i've only started 3 ... but the thing is - i want to write. i don't even care that i'm not getting auditions right now. i get to perform on my own (not for pay) in film and on stage anyway.
and i've been sick the past 4 days. i wish i had the money to tell my work to book me off for the next week so i can stay in bed, regain my health, and write write write.
i need to figure out how to do this.
how can i afford to do this??
i'd be happy to do two shifts at my work per week. but that wouldn't be nearly enough money.
i need to book a commercial.
i'd need to get an audition for that to happen.
bah.
i feel all antsy and jumpy inside.
maybe i could get a grant.
maybe i'll call margaret atwood and ask her for one of hers.
good idea.
"hi, margaret? yes. this is artsmonkey... um, you don't know me, but i was wondering if i could have one of your grants...... yeah? .... you don't mind?.... great... i appreciate this!... bye!"
easy as pie.

almost famous

I want to write. i want to do. my input is becoming output.
i have this new director friend who likes working with me.
someone who i like and respect as a director wants to work with me - a lot! craziness.
i'll be filming this scene soon for her directors reel.
i'll have to flirt, laugh, cry, be terrified, be in bed with a man, try to escape murder, try to stop a suicide.
huge test of acting chops.
i'm terrified.
but i'm soooo going to do it.
aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!
one fantasises about living out these moments on film.
then it is presented to you.
it's now or never.
just go.

date and the city

i had a date.
i have no serious interest in this person.
not even sure if i'm that attracted.
but i had a date!
i learned that on dates, men open doors for women, pay for things (also allow you to pay for some things), help you on with your coat and contact you the day after to say they enjoyed themselves.
hm.
weird hey?
who knew?
i think i like this 'dating' thing.
before when i dated - i was looking for love. i didn't really admit it, but i was. i was looking for 'the one'. so if the date wasn't good, it was depressing. if it wasn't great it was depressing. if i wasn't super into the guy - it was depressing.
now i can just enjoy it for what it is.
i say 'i don't want a relationship'
and now no expectations.
at all.
fun.

more evidence of age

i was at the gym this evening doing some stretching/pilates after a jog. in the same room as me were a cute boxing guy using one of the punching bags and 20-23 yr old cute girl with dancers legs. she was wearing a pink tee shirt and shorts, and was doing some exersises/stretches that gave evidence of a dance background - most likely jazz. i suddenly wished i was wearing shorts and a pink tee shirt.
i was at the side of the room doing some conservative exercises to work on strengthening some necessary muscles to avoid the aches and pains i've been experiencing b/c of jogging... nothing fancy or sexy about it.
the cute girl went through a series of sit ups and push ups and finally started sliding into the splits.
i used to do the splits at the gym.
before i tore my adductor muscles in jazz class.
she was tanned.
i used to tan.
before my dermatologist told me to never again venture into the sun and if i had to i should wear a tent.
guess who the cute boxer guy started talking to?
i remember when the cute boxing guys would come over and talk to me after watching me 'work out'.
i found it somewhat flattering but also kind of annoying.
"i wish i was that flexible"
"can you give me any pointers for stretches?"
god that was annoying. i'm not an object! i know what you're thinking!

i miss that.

funny. i could probably give them more advice now - given my pilates experience.
but i think the splits is better advertising.
for more than just stretching advice.

i think i need to start working on my splits.
maybe i'll ease into it at home.
i wouldn't want to pull anything in public... definitely not good advertising.

ladies who lunch

this woman who directed a documentary i was in last year keeps sending out emails to, i'm assuming, all her female contacts.
these emails are regarding social events that she is trying to organize for "womyn"
she spells it like that:
"womyn"
is that not like nails on a chalk board?!!! gahhhhh!!!!
stuff like "movies for my womyn friends about womyn so us womyn can get together and discuss what it is to be womyn."....blah blah blah
garrrrrghghghgh!!!
so i delete them b/c it takes all the power in me to even skim the email without throwing myself off a building and impailing myself on a lamp post.
but wait - now she just sent me a personal email!
"hey artsmonkey, did you get my email about the upcoming movie date for womyn?"
bahhh!!
yes! but i trashed it! and i am rejecting your offers solely on the premise that i can't stand how you spell 'women'" it's w-o-m-e-n! no 'y'! no 'y' goddammit!!
also i don't know this lady at all and would feel strange and awkward going to some random event with god knows who.
hell, maybe i'm judgemental and awful.
but it's just how i feel.
now i need to find a way to decline politely.

all you need is love?

i watch love on tv. lust. want of love.
i read about love and want of love.
i listen to friends talk about how great it is to have love, how much it sucks to lose and how much they want it.

this topic used to be my thing.
the search. trying trying trying.

it's not in my basket of 'wants' anymore.
who knows why.
maybe i'm exhausted by the search.
maybe i've temporarily given up.
maybe i don't believe in it.
maybe i'm just okay without it.
maybe i've built up my guards so much in the last year or so that i can't even remember what it feels like and therefore don't feel like i'm missing anything.

or maybe i don't even want to bother unless it is the real thing and i don't have the time or patience anymore to play the fairytale.

or maybe i have enough faith that life will lead me where i need to go and i shouldn't bother forcing or searching for it.

i feel like i've had a partial lobotomy and had the 'love' (romantic type) section removed.

in any case...
i think i'm actually content.
for the time being.

all grown up

yesterday a co-worker asked me about my 'partner'. i then briefly explained my break up (including the 4 months post-breakup of working together). he then said 'you must be really happy right about now' referring to the fact that as of a couple weeks ago i'm really on my own.
and i thought, 'yeah, i guess i am'
although the past few weeks (post halifax) i've been down and feeling alone in a not-so-great way.
his simple statement made me think - i should be happy. i have what i want.
i think part of my problem is i've been comparing my new single-dom to what i remember of being single.... but the thing is - the last time i was left single (for more than a month) i was 22 years old. and the time before that - 19.
i'm 27 years old. things have changed. i've changed. pretty much all of the goals i set for myself when i was 22 have been achieved.
i've finished school, i'm financially independent, i have a day job that i like, i live on my own, i have an agent and i'm actively pursuing my career (even though i haven't reached fame and fortune yet).
it didn't occur to me that i want different things now.
what all those things are - i'm not completely sure - but it's time to set new goals and live the life of 27yr old artsmonkey, not 22yr old artsmonkey.
at first i was depressed - i felt old. i felt like maybe my exciting life was coming to a close.
but that's silly. i wouldn't want to be 22 again.

so all that being said - i'm glad i'm on my own. i'm happy that i don't have to worry about anyone but me. i like doing what i want when i want, without feeling like i'm neglecting someone or being selfish.
i'm looking fwd to getting to know and figuring out this more grownup me (but of course not too grown up)

god doesn't want me to get laid

i had my first spanish class tonight.
i'm excited.... twice a week i will be reminded of my upcoming vacation. (3 months and counting).
but...
everyone in my class is a woman! wtf? the teacher was like "all women! this has never happened to me!" so i can't even discount this event to the thought that men don't like learning languages...
i thought this whole taking spanish classes thing might enhance my social life/give me options for extra curricular activities.... and by that i mean having deep conversations... and by that i mean communicating through the international language of 'fuck me'.

all women!
and none that i would sleep with (i gave the class a good scan) - of course i considered it - one must keep their options open... stay optimistic... don't throw in the towel right away... work with what you've got.... i mean, jesus fed a crowd by multiplying fishes and loaves of bread...
there are no fishes or loaves of bread in my spanish class.
not one loaf. or one edible fish.
maybe god would be more on my side if i went to church.
but then i wouldn't be allowed to have frivolous sex out of wedlock.
catch 22: go to church and get guilted out of cock - or - don't go to church and you're off god's wish list.
bah.
i'm switching... pagan's have orgies, right?