i thought i had it together...

i just checked my banking online. a forgotten loan withdrawl, a bounced cheque, a climbing visa bill, a nsf fee, overdraft. fuck fuck fuck!! i thought i had my shit together! i've been so busy i haven't been paying attention to my finances. i've been eating out too much. i've bought some clothes. i guess i can't afford these things. i thought i could now. i thought with my new job that i was fine. nope.
next rant - new pics of me on facebook. why do friends post unflattering pics of you online? how is this nice? it's not!! i look weird and fat. now i feel fat. fat and financially unorganized.
and i'm hungover slightly. i was going to go to the gym. not going to happen today. not unless this headache goes away. i had plans tonight. plans that cost money. i might not be able to go. not unless i get paid.
not enough time. not enough money. not enough metabolism.
grrrr....
i want to hide under a rock.

it all passes with time

so i'm not feeling jealous anymore. i've come to a calm. i'm sure i'll be back there again, but for now it's all okay. i think that lack of communication almost always ends up in me freaking out about something. time apart does the same thing. lack of quality time together. remember to stop and smell the roses, right? that's kind of hard to do when we don't get spring til june.
i like reading my friends blogs. i like this little community. it's reassuring. facebook is not like that. facebook is more surface. small talk. i get bored with small talk. i enjoy facebook for what it is - but it's like reading a glossy magazine vs reading a great novel.
today is the kind of day that i would like to last for longer. it's a sleepy day after a long day of productivity. a day where i want to sit and watch tv and eat comfort food and cuddle and have sex. unfortunately i work all day tomorrow. work is good. work is money. but if i had extra money, i would take tomorrow off. i would sit at home. i would make pancakes. i would go window shopping. i would cut my toenails and maybe dust my furnature.
sometimes i think there is more than one person inhabiting my body. my moods change so drastically.
maybe i am insane.
that would be interesting. to be insane - but not find out until you were like 80 years old.
what is going on with this blog?
it's a weird boring self conscious blog.
i'm having fun writing it.
not like disney land fun.
but fun.
actually, more fun than disney land. because i don't have to stand in a line up.
i hate lineups. it's the aspect of waiting.
i don't like waiting.
i like doing.
i think i'd love lineups if i always got to budge to the front. then it would be fun. passing all the people. looking at how they wait.
i think i'm going to go eat or drink something.

irrationality

i don't know what's wrong with me. i've never been a jealous/insecure person before on more than a momentary basis. i've rarely cared if a boyfriend has female friends, or looks at porn or thinks my friends are cute. yet for some reason all of these things in my current relationship make me want to scream and cry and puke. i actually have a full bodied physical reaction. there is definitely something wrong with me. i'm being highly irrational. what do i do about this? this is clearly my problem, not his... so what do i do! somebody help me!!

unexpected day

i got mugged. mugged you say? mugged. sort of. i wiped out on my bike big time. that hurt. i was in cracktown, the canadian ghetto, the projects.... regent park-ish - whatever. bad bad bad place to wipe out on your bike. my basket wasnt fastned down. it fell. it pulled my bike over. i went down with it. in the middle of the day. crazy crack people came over - yelled at me to get up. one tried to help. grabbed my bike w/ my bag in it - i had a hard time walking. i got my bike -after some other guy came and grabbed the bag out of my basket. with my wallet in it. "give me back my bag!" "all my stuff's in there" "fuck off bitch" "i'll shoot you" no one cared. everyone just watched. everything seemed out of focus. fiction. a bad movie. i called my bf. "where are you? call the police" "911 - hello - i just had my bag stolen by a guy on a bike" "where are you? do you have a description? what was in your bag? where did he go?" i call work "i can't come in to work. i got mugged. i'm okay. i called the police." i cling to my bike and walk to a corner store. there's nowhere to lock my bike. i press my bike to a fence and lean on it. i realized that i slightly peed myself. i feel like a moron. a stupid white girl upper middle class idiot. my pants are torn. i'm bruised. my bf shows up. the police show up. lots of questions. lots of calling banks and cancelling credit cards. my day's been thrown off. a bunch of my play posters are in the bag. they are worth money. my bag is long gone. maybe someone will find the bag and come see my play.
just a day.
bad location to fall off a bike. bad timing.

"i am stary eyed and vaguely discontented..."

spring is in the air. the cold winter-like air. but it's here. the antsyness. the anticipation of what? something. my show opening in less than 3 weeks. my sister and my parents visiting. the show ending. the extra free time after the show. what will i do? what will life be like? will i actually give myself the free time that i'd like?
this time of year always comes with ants in the pants. i'm always just slightly bored. feeling a little bit reckless. i want new clothes. i want to pierce something. i want to lose weight. i want to eat a giant pie with icecream. i want to go somewhere. i want to meet someone new. i want more stimulation. but i'm too antsy and restless to actually get things done.
when i'm rich, i will just fly off in my private jet at times like this. or buy a random ticket to somewhere and only bring a credit card. i'll write stories. i'll run around and scream in exotic locations.
i suppose i could run around and scream on the danforth.
not as exciting - is it?
what is that? spring fever. it's times like this that i remember that we are just animals responding to our natural instincts. animals! all of us.

faith

i feel slightly ill. i started a 30 day cleanse yesterday. it's kicking my ass.
i felt blah all day today - until i went to work. i was dreading work. i wanted to sit at home and mope. but then i went to my job, and i remembered "hey, i like my job!" unfortunately i got a headache and the last hour and a half was a bit tedious - but not b/c of the work.
my bf and i had a conversation last night. about fears. about us. we have these conversations sometimes. they are good b/c they connect us. i think he's a wonderful person... a wonderful person for me. i'm waiting for the day that i can believe in fairytales again... that i can believe in "love conquering all" and "meant to be" and "soulmates". he's worthy of all these things - but i'm still cynical.
it's hard to restore beliefs 100% when they've been shaken. i used to believe in things so strongly, with such conviction. now i protect myself. i don't committ. i wait and see. that's not good enough. how do i get it back?

goodtimes on my own

i'm starting to settle into living alone. i like it! i don't have to share! i never liked sharing. i was always taught to share - so it's not my parents fault. i clearly was born with a "doesn't like to share" gene. i can't help it. i don't even really like sharing with my cat. his litter box is under the sink in the bathroom. he likes to kick his shit out of his litter box. i think he does it to piss me off. how would he like it if i did my business beside the toilet? i think he would find it insulting. at least he hasn't yet rolled his turds over to my bedroom area. he used to do that when i lived in a basement apartment. i don't think he liked it there. why do animals get away with leaving their shit around when they're pissed off? if i did that i wouldn't have any friends. my cat, however has friends. people like him. even cats like him. it must be his stunning personality.

all by myself

i've moved out on my own. it hasn't really sunk in. i live closer to work. i don't know if that's a good thing. the commute is short. but it's also weird b/c i'm so used to that neighborhood being associated with work, that i haven't yet figured out how to remove work from my mind when i'm in my own area. if that makes sense.... and i'm farther away from my bf. so we see eachother a bit less. and i haven't quite figured my way around the area yet. i don't have a routine for buying groceries etc. i feel like i'm alone more often - which i am - and i think that's a good thing - but it takes some getting used to.... so now i'm at my bf's place - he's not here - and i'm watching connie and carla go to vegas... or something like that - and blogging, and trying to do some work... or something. clearly avoiding my quiet aloneness at my place. maybe i need cable.
cable is the devil.
i also just ate half a tub of icecream. there's been a lot more of that going on lately.
i suppose all this just takes some adjusting to.
being on my own is empowering - but it's also kind of scary - it's like i don't have backup anymore. roommates are kind of like family - and now i dont live with family anymore.

having your bf read your blog regularily can actually be a good thing. i guess what they say about communication is true.

post from the past

okay. so i've decided to post the post that i didn't post... all in the spirit of what a blog should be. also - my issues in my past post are still in my head. so here it is:
feb 23rd, 2007.
i've gotten myself all worked up. i was talking to my bf about 'when harry met sally' - or he brought it up - can't remember - re: how all men want to sleep with their female friends. which i replied "do you?" and he said 'of course - don't you have fantasy people?" which of course made me want to throw up in my mouth. i said "well, yeah, sort of - but nothing consistent." i just can't get these comments out of my head. i can't stand the thought of him thinking about these other women. i'm obsessed with it. it's eating me up. and i said "i know who they are too" and i named a few - and he didn't deny. he didn't say anything at all. and i wanted to cry. he was just being honest. at least my other boyfriends had the decency to lie - or if they dont they tag it with "but none of them are as hot or sexy as you" - at least i got that. and now i feel terribly insecure. i want to rip out my hair. so last night he initiated and i just couldn't get into it - i told him to stop. i couldn't get into it b/c i just was thinking he'd be thinking about how hot it might be with someone else. and yes i think about other guys here and there - sometimes more frequently than others - but to be honest, i can't get past the first kiss in the fantasy unless my bf is in the fantasy too - it's like i can't do it - i'd have to force my mind to go there. i've always had a hard time thinking about a full out fantasy with someone i'm not involved with. but i know what goes through my head when i interact w/ a guy i'm attracted to - i know. so i know what people think about. and i'm afraid. i'm afraid that love wont conquer all - and i have a hard time believing in love because i've had it crumble before - and i've crumbled before and let myself down. the only thing i know to be consistent is lust, desire, fantasy - i know how to play these games - i can predict what the outcome will be - but with love - i don't know. i just don't know. but i don't tell my bf if i think about another guy - b/c it poses no true threat - b/c even inf i was single i probably wouldn't pursue these people. and he doesn't need to be thinking about these things anyway - there's no way it could strengthen our relationship.
does he get jealous? he doesn't act like he does. all he says is that he trusts me. and he loves me. and that he chooses to be with me. with me. but i worry that i'll never be the fantasy for him. i'll be the fantasy for other guys - other guys with girlfriends. and those guys girlfriends will be fantasy for someone else.... why is it that we all want what we can't have?

let down

i fucked up my audition. the one that mattered. well, it was ok. but not good enough. blah!
and on a side note - i had written down a blog to post - b/c i was all worked up about fidelity, and jealousy and monogamy and fantasy and reality and expectations of love. but i'm not so worked up about it anymore. so now it's just there - on a piece of paper. i missed my emotional window to blog.
i hate it when that happens.

what is this... stillness?

i'm at the library. i should be looking up monologues for my audition this saturday. but instead i blog. instead i look at facebook. i'm new to it, and somewhat fascinated. unearthing all these people that up until two days ago had disappeared.
and i'm not busy. well, let me rephrase: i am busy - but i'm not so busy that i don't have time for blogging, or a coffee date, or going to the gym, or having sex. i like this. i feel like i'm forgetting something - but i'm not - my schedule is allowing me time to breathe... just a little.
yet this is just a lull. i can feel it. i predict that my next time to breathe will not be for another few months. i have big expectations for this year. i expect to be journeying toward greatness. if this doesn't happen i think i'll be disappointed. i suppose it depends on how i view greatness.

i feel antsy. and excited. like something big is just at my fingertips. like everything will change again. like everything will change over and over and over until i've transformed like a butterfly from a caterpillar.
maybe i'm destined to be famous like my fortune cookie said. or maybe i've just had too much sugar today.

leaving so soon...

so the big move out on my own is less than a wk and a half away! it's a super small bachelor apartment - but it will be mine! and my cat's, of course. i'm excited. i'll be close to work. i'll be close to the organic grocery store, and fruit markets, and my gym, and pubs.... yay! i hope i actually stick to this place for a while. i really am not a fan of the moving.
anyhoo. this blog is pretty boring/informational, so i will end it - b/c i feel like my blogs have not been thoughtful enough lately.

i found an apartment! yay! no more hunting!

what's up w/ the hostile takeover?

so i've been struggling to continue signing in as "old blogger". alas, i've been bullied into signing in through google as "new blogger". balls. today i tried signing in as "old blogger" and a page came up saying "from now on you will sign in through your google account as "new blogger"". oh i will, will i? where's the please and thankyou? where's the "sorry we are making blogging less convienient for you" ?? huh!!
fine.
i've submitted.
but i just gotta keep blogging!

ps. groin update: still pretty f-ed up.
pps. apartment update: closer, but no major luck.... i feel like goldilocks... too small, or too far away, or too much $$, or too grungy etc. etc.

clutzy mc clutzerson

so i was dancing around my apartment like a super star and singing and feeling all special about my self b/c i got an audition for a company i really want to work on (plus i'd had timmy's coffee - aka crack). when all of a sudden ' pop' goes my groin (aka: adductor longus muscle most likely) - and now i'm hobbling around like a war amputee. well, not really - b/c i still have my leg. sorry. that was both a politically incorrect and innaccurate description.
standing hurts.
so does sitting on the toilet.
two things i like to do.
dammit.
you must all pray for artsmonkey's groin to heal.

where will i live?

i'm currently mid - apartment search. i don't like searching for apartments. i like the idea of living in a new apartment - all by myself... but i don't like looking. i went to a place yesterday that, by it's description, seemed pretty sweet. it was a dungeon. how do people live in these places? the guy showing it was like "it's warm".... and i was thinking - so is a monkey's armpit, but i wouldn't live in a monkey's armpit, would i.

s.a.d.

i think i might be depressed. i think maybe it's just the weather.
i think i'd like it to just be the weather, or the time of year, or hormones, or lack of vitamins or something.
i think if it's something else - like not being satisfied with my life - then i would have to do something to change that, and i don't want to.
because i'm depressed. and being depressed also includes not wanting to do anything at all. not even the things i love to do.
i should be happy. i'm shooting a film this weekend. i'm in a play. i have a good job. i have a great boyfriend. i have great friends. after the play is over i'm starting rehearsals for my play. in theory, i have everything i need to make me happy.
blahhhhhhhhhh. in theory. fuck that. i feel like a pile of runny poo. gross description. sorry.

i'm also a bad person for the following reasons:
1)my sister's b-day just passed, and i havent sent her a present yet. i called her, and texted her... but still... it's half assed.
2)i've generally been neglecting to get together with friends. mostly b/c i don't have a lot of time, but also b/c i'm lazy
3)my cat is at home and is probably wanting food about right now. but i'm not going to be at home for at least a couple of hours. or more. b/c i have work to do. work that i should have been doing this afternoon - but instead i was eating sushi and chocolate cake in an attempt to not be depressed for like one second. it didn't work.
4)i make assholey jokes around my boyfriend regarding breaking up or leaving him for someone else. neither of these things are true. i'm just making a lame ass attempt to act casual in case my heart gets broken somewhere along the way. lame. what the f@#* is wrong with me?

listening to 'seal' songs on the computer is probably not helping me any. i don't even like seal. fuck you seal! hmm... i'm going to change my music (well, actually it's my bf's music - does he like seal? he must... i've learned something new.)

okay. i've switched the music to cherry poppin' daddies....... helping? not really.... now i just want to laugh hysterically and cry..... and maybe rent swing kids so i can ball at the end when the kid is holding the umbrella and shouting "swing hio!" is that what he's saying? i don't know. but it's emotional and heartfelt and it's a kid - so therefore it makes me cry. unless i've only caught the end of the movie, in which case it just makes me recount the experiences in which i've watched the whole movie and cried.
now i've over analysed it. i can never enjoy that moment again.
balls!
i'm insane.
i'm going insane!!! help!!
i now have an urge to fling myself onto something or off of something or into something.... i just like the image of flinging oneself. i get an image of a floppy type person/cartoon being dramatically whipped across a space like an elastic band. wheee!
okay. that "whee!" was a total lie. i didn't feel it. now i'm a faker as well as an asshole.
and nothing's worse than a faker. i'd rather be a mother f#@*er. hey - that's a website - or an email address or something. wtf?! i'm totally going to the link. after i finish this blog.
who am i kidding. this blog was finished like five paragraphs ago.

a day off???

why is it that my days off work are never actually days off? i think i may be a workaholic at heart. i've gone out of my way to only be at work 4 days a week - but my "days off" aren't actually that less busy.
for example: today is wednesday - wednesday is my sunday. today i have a meeting at noon, a rehearsal at 2-4, another meeting at 430ish and i'm going to see an apartment at 7pm.
i think i'm incapable of just chilling the f out.
when i actually have a day where i'm not doing anything, i usually feel lazy and depressed.... i'm like "go go go go go go go!!" the only way for me to chill is to leave town. and i am! montreal for 3 nights.... won't it be loverly?

it's been so long!

ahhh! i haven't blogged in almost 2 weeks! i was starting to feel deprived! it's like life just attacked me and swallowed up all of my time. i think i'm emerging from that though...
i'm moving apartments in a month - about which i'm super excited. i will be living on my own for the first time ever! just me and my cat. who currently has diarhia - just a side note... what does one do about their pet if they are sick, but not sick enough to warrant spending $600+ on tests and such things at the vet?
okay, back to topic: moving out... yay! no more bed bugs! no more stupid landlord! my own space all to my self and my sickly cat!! wheee!!
now i just need to find a place.... i should probably get on that.

anyhoo - next on the agenda: being busy, but still trying to have a social life... is this possible?? probably not really! ahhh!! i haven't seen my friends in a long time. i only really see my boyfriend, my co workers, and occassionally my roomie (but only b/c she is also a co-worker). i need to find more me-time. me-time and friend-time should be more of a priority.
step 1 of me-time: blogging... check
step 1 of friend time: have drink with friend... check (i'm going for a drink with bedroom prince tonight.
okay. so i'm getting there.

third thing on agenda: becoming famous.... working on it. i got cast in my first student film yesterday - i was pretty excited. small step, but a step. i'm also in two short plays in a valentines week show - so that's something. no money - but babysteps... good times.

fourth thing on agenda: not being a freak in my relationship. not sure if that's possible. hopefully my exceptionally patient and thoughtful boyfriend will continue to put up with all my walls, freakouts, stresses and general irrational behaviours.

so i have a few things.
these sound like new years type resolutions.
oh well - i had to give into it at some point, yes?