seat of my pants

i´m saved after spending an afternoon, eve and morning with only $2 to my name.
bailed out by dad.
what the hell would i do without my family?
i feel like a codependant retard.
i´m 28 years old. shouldnt i be an adult by now?
i´m getting lines on my face.
i´m having issues with the idea of ageing.

the last night i was in costa rica i had a regrettable hookup.
nice guy, but i wasnt attracted.... just sort of went along with it b-c i was super excessively drunk. didn´t go all the way along with it though. thank god.
but i hate that feeling the next day when you´re having those semi gross flashbacks.
ah... just like college.

i´m in a beach town now.
but with no sun and no friends.
but i have some money.
thank god.
actually, thank dad.

i feel like staying away and never going back to the orphanage. is that bad?? or just going back to visit.
i´ll go back.

i don´t know what the hell i´m doing with my life.
what´s all this free-spirit bullshit. why can i not just be content with normal.
i keep thinking there´s something bigger for me. like some grand purpose.
maybe i´m just a crazy wanderer.
who the f knows.

sorry for the ramble.
i need food.

i miss you friends.

balls

fuck.
i just need to swear and beat someone up a little.
why the f do people not do their job when it´s their job?
why the f would someone start an organization without the ability or funds to run it?
why would someone think it´s okay for a kid to only have a non functioning toilet full of shit, but make sure they got to go to a pool or get candy once a week?
why is the head of this organization such a dip shit?
why do i have to pay more to live in an orphanage where i do tripple the work as when i was living at a house?

i need to get drunk.
balls.
this organization makes me so mad.

and re: spilling secrets of the mormon guy?
basically questioning religion, identity and sexuality.
the usual.
totally what i predicted.
step up to artsmonkey´s councelling couch-hammock.

hey!

now you guys are making me feel bad.
like some lame single late twenties loser who´s just obsessed with anyone i meet. i do have standards.
and he´s not a bible thumper.
he´s christian. there´s a difference. and not right wing either.
just young.
and gone.
and not probably quite right for me in the reality of what my life outside of a volunteer house in honduras would be.
but still.

i do feel more sex should have been had though.
what a waste.

i moved into the orphanage a week ago.
new scene.
i actually like it.
and my roommate is a blast and we can talk about sex and masterbation and swear and be highly inappropriate and it´s great.

i think what i needed here was a friend. and not a friend-crush.

and a new guy lives at the volunteer house now.
20yr old tree planter university student guitar player from thunder bay.
totally odd and funny and unappologetic and canadian. sort of vince vaughn like.
a needed addition to the other slightly uptight people there.

funnily enough it´s the 20yr old mormon guy who i´ll stay up til 2am talking to.
he´s already shared extreme personal information with me.
i think he´s majorly questioning who he is.
he likes talking to me b-c i don´t judge him.
i´m like a psuedo counsellor.

good times.
anyhoo.
that´s what´s new with me.

of course

so of course we had sex.
but we were totally drunk and a teensy bit high.
i barely remember how it even started.
i think it was just like an explosion of tension and frustration on both ends.

and then the next day...
acted like it didn´t even happen.
yep.
21years old. right. i forgot.

so totally awkward all day going for a hike with another volunteer and her bf.

finally at the end of the day i said something.
i said i didn´t know what to say.
so he said. so don´t.
so don´t.
nice.
so i said are we cool.
we´re cool.
21yrs old.
right.

and now he´s gone. and i don´t know if i miss him or just the idea of someone who could be completely perfect for me in every possible way.
except for being 21 (nearly 22... but still) and finishing his last year at college as captain of the rugby team.

he left his teeshirt on the line.
i try not to be obsessed with it.

what the hell....

seriously??

so we´re going to this jungle river lodge to meet up with another volunteer and her bf.
but they don´t have dorm beds available.
all that´s available is a shared private room.
one bed.
really?
this is getting out of hand.

this place is warping me....

i'm exhausted.
i've doubled up on jobs - actually more like trippled up - trying to fill in for volunteers who've left - and it's exhausting.
also learned that the head of the organization i'm working for (whose incompetant in most ways) may be a pedophile.
stellar.
not jumping to conclusions yet though.

and i've been living with boy for 2 weeks alone.
we're friends.
i don't think i'm even female to him.
or i'm just soooo very old that i don't count.
i might as well be a chair for all he's concerned.
but we're friends.
fantastic.

could you put your shirt on while your being friends with me then?
and not be so attractive?
i don't know if i'm attracted b/c he shows absolutely no interest and i want to be in the game, or i'm actually interested.
there have been those moments of 'what do you mean by that' and 'do you realize what the hell you're saying' in my head.
too many.
i feel like i'm in highschool and have a crush on my male friend who is constantly talking about 'girls'.
it's all very highschool... or first year university... one of the two.
like a movie staring hillary duff.
ridiculousness.

i really have to stop thinking about it.
he leaves in less than a week and i'll be living with ugly people.
the way it should be.

also - like this is really a huge problem.... there are children starving in the world...
like next door.
nice.
my sense of humour has become really twisted.
for example, he and i think we should start a game where the first person to see a dead animal gets points.
cats and dogs are low.
cows and horses are high.

creepy and disgusting.
but what do you do?

inappropriate things to do:

bible study with out a shirt.
talk incessantly about other volunteer girl while not wearing shirt.
become super extra good friends with me.
without wearing said shirt.

i'm going to die.

lice, lonliness and forbidden fruit.

so. i have lice. lice. so so sexy.´
it was bound to happen.

i went to utila a week and a half ago.
bliss.
met up with the karate instructor volunteer from ny, a swim instructor volunteer from ireland, and a cool girl volunteer from colorado.
i enjoyed being sandwiched between two well defined boys in a kayak.
will this happen again? probably not.

my french canadian roommie has decreased her meds and is starting to get on my nerves. the bluntness i once found refreshing is now more like rudeness that makes me want to punch her in the face.
just a little.

but she´s leaving on saturday.
so are the dutch couple.

so then it will just be me and the boy who just arrived two days ago.
alone.
for 15 days until more show up.

the boy who just arrived:
guessing he´s about 21.
a 6 ft tall rugby player from alabama. with the lats of a rock climber.
devout christian but without being preachy in any way.
and drinks like a college boy when given the opportunity.
much to attractive for my comfort levels.
i woke up this morning and walked into the main room to find him sweeping the floors shirtless.
after this he sat down to do some bible study.
i feel like he just walked out of some christian soap opera.

is this a test? wtf.

i´m fascinated.
just look. don´t touch.

i still don´t have a friend here.
a complete friend that i can sit and talk and talk and talk to.
i´m waiting.

i have to go do groceries and buy lice shampoo.
my life is so glamourous.... is that how you spell that??

swearing, sex and friendship

so after an emotional breakdown on monday i'm feeling a little better about life.
it's still f-ed up here, but i'm feeling a little more proactive about it.
my roommates are all leaving in 2-3 weeks, new ones will move in.
this will leave me with three roommates. all age 20. two very sheltered mormons from utah.

i am going to have to start stalking the volunteers working and living elsewhere who seem like my kind of people.

i haven't been able to say my usual raunchy expressions and have someone appreciate it for what it is.
i long for a potty mouthed friend.

i could also handle some of the opposite sex.
like yesterday.
the people who are getting laid here seem to have a much rosier outlook in general.

what a concept.

volunteers

i live with 6 other volunteers.
2 are young girls of 19 and 20.
one is a 25 yr old guy, who´s pretty cute, but a slight bit ego centric and is f-ing the 19 year old, which makes him act slightly like a cocky bastard.
one is a french canadian girls who´s 32, she´s a modern dancer and artsy and bluntly honest and passionate and i love her.
unfortunately she´s leaving first.
but the others will be leaving a few days after her.
two others are a couple from holland who seem nice, will be here for 4 weeks, but i don´t know them b-c they just got here.

after that there will be 2 cousins from utah, me, and i think a couple of guys... eventually..... not quite sure.
oh, and the termites that build tubes that hang from my ceiling... totally gross.

there´s a volunteer that works at one of the other locations (a location i´ll be working at once a week eventually) who´s a karate instructor-personal trainer from new york. hot.
but i havent really met him yet.

things to look forward to? who knows.
i´ve gotten over my swedish boy. until he facebook messages me again, of course....

and that´s that.
life is different here.
i feel like i may be getting a tad more serious, or something. or boring. i feel like i´m becoming boring.
that´s okay though.
i think i may just be in shock.

adios for now.

timewasting ramble

so i'm waiting five million hours for my photos to upload.... right now... 7% complete... i think that took about 15 minutes.... this is going to cost me.
ah well.
the ameobas in my intestines seem to have died. i'm actually making solid poo now. sorry if that grosses you out, but it's been my most important accomplishment this week. you'll understand if you ever get ameoba's in your intestines. grossest most unpleasant/painful thing ever.
i'm out of guatemala. yay! i thought guatemala would be my favorite. but there was this f/ed up energy there. i don't know that i can explain. i think it was all the poser hippie types and druggie partiers pretending to be all alternative and cool. really just a hangout for losers who are trying to escape their lives.
sorry if that sounds harsh, but i've become judgemental of many backpackers. it seems to be a travelling party/escape trip for so many. i can't relate. maybe i'm getting old. i dunno. but it pisses me off when i'm seeing so much poverty and corruption and then these slacker packpacking stoners just plop their useless asses down in some beautiful place, work in some bar and pretend to be artists or hippies or something. it's borderline infuriating(sp?).
maybe i've just been travelling alone too long.

change subject....
my swedish travel buddy of 5 days in mexico who has the gf.... wrote this big ass message on my wall..... ended with an xoxo.... um... what!? and now i'm being all excited and girly about it.
what is wrong with me!!! he has a girlfriend!!! but... i think all is not well on that front.
bah.
i think i have a crush on him.... well duh.
and he's totally just using me as his me-and-my-girlfriend-are-having-a-conflict-so-i'm-going-to-distract-myself-with-the-canadian-girl person.
i think i need to get a crush on someone who has a crush back.
but i'll be entering a land of mormons soon.... not going to date a mormon. too many issues there...

tomorrow i go to the volunteer house.
i'll be starting my volunteering in a couple of days. it's already here. and i'm finally ready for it.
i was soooo not ready for it, but after feeling like i was going to die alone in guatemala.... i'm pretty ready.
bring it on.

roller coaster

my moods are insane lately. im hyper emotional. im getting super excited and inspired, then sad and lonely, then pissed off.
round and round i go.
i dont feel like public blogging so often b/c its starting to feel like a chore.
uploading photos takes a million years.
and im not in any of my photos.... well, barely.
im pissed off that im only fluent in english.
some days i feel like i can understand most things and communicate well.
other days, like when my french roommate doesnt want to speak to me in english, but wont speak to me simply in spanish, i feel like a complete moron who deserves to be hung for all the shitty things white people, english people and uni lingual people across the globe have ever done to anyone else.
theres no place to go for a jog in this place, so im starting to feel squishy.
there are occasional familiar faces i run into, but no one like my friends back home.
this computer is a ball sucking hell machine with fucked up punctuation that makes me appear like a delinquent in emails. it also lacks spell check.
im sure that in a couple hours i will be feeling elated and inspired again, but right now im just panicky b/c i dont have a plan.
but i dont want a plan.
im also wondering why i totally blew off my perfectly good onenighter in escondido when i could have probably said "hey, i had a good time, lets meet up in san cristobal and have mad sex in our own hotel room" . ... instead i bolted after the act, and upon running into him the next day simply said "bon voyage" when he said he was leaving that afternoon.
im a freak.
oh well.
i feel a bit better after this blog.
maybe ill write on my travel blog later.
maybe.
i just wish i didnt feel like i had to or people would get annoyed.
disappearing seems like it might be fun.

reality

so... sitting in a hostel is not exactly the best place to write personal blogs, but f it.
i'm not inspired to write on my public blog... where i'm an upstanding citizen, off to help children in honduras... there are times for that.
this is not that time.
not after crashing into backpacker party central.
not after a one night stand with an aussie surfer. ("check")
not after developing a semi weird crush on a swede with a girlfriend.... well, not a crush exactly... more like a pseudo relationship that lasted 5 days without any sex.
strange.
more on that later.

it's like i've had a taste of moving away from home for the first time again.... the novelty of the parties and the boys pretty much have already worn off in less than a week... where as in university it took a little while longer...
but there are similarites.

this backpacking alone thing is a roller coaster.
meeting people... then becoming fast friends... then saying goodbye.
not really bothering to keep in touch, b-c what's the point.

i miss my real friends.
i miss talking shit and telling every little detail without worry of judgement.
i miss you guys.

i think once i'm in honduras i'll at least be able to develop relationships for longer than a day or two...

it's good though.
i think i may be starting to shed some of my protective layers.

5 days

i'm leaving everything in 5 days... or 6? well, close enough.
i was going to sell my second guitar today to a stranger.
we made the meeting.
he offered cash.
i walked out of my apartment, guitar in hand.
the guitar that was my mom's.
the guitar my first boyfriend taught me to play on.
the guitar that is slightly out of tune.
the guitar i never play anymore.

i couldn't do it.
i walked half way to starbucks where we were to meet.
stopped in the street, looked at the guitar, turned around and went home.
cried.

i've sold my furnature, my bike, my cd's, my tv, my dvd player.
i've given away my clothes, my dishes...
i just couldn't bear to part with one more thing.

at least not today.

i'm feeling like a bit of a spaz.
but i wouldn't have forgiven myself for selling that guitar to a stranger.

sometimes things are important.

it's going to be alright

so i'm feeling better.
less freaked.
less annoyed.
more excited.
whew.
maybe it's the 'when harry met sally' that i indulged in.
maybe it's the bottle of red.
maybe it's the funtime collage i made (yay).

it's something.
i leave in one month.
crazy times.
i told my agency.... no guarantee's that they'll take me upon my return... but that's okay. i don't know if i will return.
but no jumping to conclusions. one step at a time.

my parents are going to take my cat while i'm gone. i'm sooooo relieved about that! so i'll get to see him at christmas! i can't believe i'll only have 3 more weeks with him! my love.

so much is changing!
gahhhhhh!

aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggg!!!!!

you know when you're feeling all good about yourself, actually not feeling like a fat ugly cow, and then you see pics of yourself that make you look like a fat ugly cow??? yep. that's sort of just what's going on with me. all sorts of fat ugly cow pics of me on facebook. fantastic. i look pregnant and nasty.
next thing:
my exes accountant called me last night at 10pm (wtf?) for tax info re: the show we did together, and now he wants me to mail him receipts and shit. bah! i don't even do my own taxes properly! leave me alone! i need those receipts for when i get audited and have to try not to go to jail for financial negligence dammit!! i hate dealing with anything that has to do with money - let alone having to deal with other people's money.
i can't handle this right now.
next thing:
i leave in a month. a month!! and i have to deal with trying to get rid of all my stuff, find storage for the stuff i want to keep, figure out my finances b4 i go and - now - i have to go to bc for 2 days in the midst of it all to be maid of honour at sister's impromptu wedding!!! (which of course i'm totally there, but a little bit bad timing...)
so of course i'm in a big panic now and am wasting the days i have time to take care of these things by totally flipping out.

flipping out!!!!!
i could really stand to have some angry sex right now.
anyone?

let's just keep this between us...

hey blog friends. i'm starting a blog for my travels - just a heads up.... maybe better not to comment (with your current id's)on the travel blogs in case i happen to be linked back to this blog - as the other blog is totally public....
yeah.
that's all.
i'll still blog here too...
ok.

mom vs dad

i just got off the phone with my dad and now i'm all stressed out about my trip. he called re: my finances. he let me know that he figured i planned my trip about six months sooner than i could actually afford it. he had his 'concerned' voice on.
i don't want my dad to worry about me. i don't think he wants me to do this. all three times i've talked to him on the phone he sounds worried and almost annoyed at me.
but i know i'm supposed to do this.
i don't have doubts about it.
it just sucks that i know my dad probably thinks i'm being totally irresponsible.
i told him i was aware of my finances. i told him i was aware that i'd be in debt when i get back. i'm completely okay with that. this is worth it to me.
i think he thinks i'm crazy and retarded.

he was the one who pushed me toward a university degree. a practical but relatively useless tool. glad i have it, but don't know that i'd be worse off without it... i'd probably just be in less debt.
i can't trust that dad knows best in all situations.
i don't actually think that parents really know best once their kids grow up.
not that they don't know things.... but their knowledge is overshadowed by their need to protect.

my mom on the other hand seems to get it. i explained to her that this is something i feel i was meant to do, and meant to do now. my mom gets those kinds of things.

funny how i am usually more open to my dad as he is less likely to state an opinion or openly judge.... but in this case it's different.

bah! i was relaxed.... i was feeling a sense of calm - which is hard to feel when you're completely about to uproot your entire life... now i feel shitty. now i can't sleep. now i feel like i need to prepare everything now.... which i can't b/c it's midnight and i have to work tomorrow at 730am.

grrrr!!!!!!!

cramming it all in

i got to be an actor today.
on film.
it was great.
i'm exhausted now.
but it was great.
i'd love it if that was actually my job.

now that i've decided to leave, i'm enjoying being here more.
i see my friends more.
i talk to my family more.
i have freedom with my creativity.
i'm not locked down by anything.

if i hadn't decided to leave, these things wouldn't be what they are.
time is going to fly.
time is flying.
where is the time?

my happy list

i wrote a list like this once... but it was my 'things i am passionate about' list. same difference. anyhoo - i figure i need to do this so here goes off the top of my head:

my fuzzy cat sleeping at the end of my bed.
my guitar.
learning a song i already know but singing it in a new way on my guitar.
movies that make me cry in a good way. like juno.
my friends.
when a friend posts a hot pic of me on facebook on a day i'm feeling like a fatty.
sunshine.
cheese with apples or peanut butter with apples.
travel.
fantasizing about travel.
guinness.
performing fun funny stuff.
having lots of cool people show up to my show.
a party that suprises me by being super fun when i thought it would be lame.
sitting around hungover with girlfriends eating and talking all day in pj's.
climbing a really tough route and making it to the top.
late cancelations at work and still getting paid for it.
pie.
running outside when my body isn't hurting.
talking on the phone to my sister.
younger boys who hit on me.
musicians.
getting up early enough to have a non-rushed breakfast before work.
a co-worker going for a coffee run.
coffee at jet fuel in cabbagetown.
visiting family.
writing something new.
checking stuff off of my things to do list.
inside jokes.
figuring it out.
watching my hot friends be in hot shows.
letting it all hang out.
wine and cheese and great conversations.
knowing that i'm having an adventure.