no one is reading this

i think i'm in love.
ok. now go ahead and laugh at me.
i don't care.

frick

1) what is up with dudes?
2) why do i care!!?

bah!! all drama no substance.
nothing is simple.

vanity

god i hate it when friends post unattractive pics of me on facebook.
what is up with that?
i don't do that to my friends... i don't think.

oh vanity.
feeling attractive can really make or break a day/night/week/month...
the worst is when you think you look good, but then see pics of yourself after the fact that don't support that thought.
just kills it.

bah.
i should just be thankful that i have all my necessary body parts and don't weigh 300+ pounds.
perspective and emotions really do not go hand in hand.

a moment alone

after a crazy busy week of work and squeezed in social time - i finally have an entire evening alone.
with my thoughts.
and overtired emotions.
not always fun... but necessary for the self check-in.

i've finally started to profess happiness here. in my home town.
i have a life. some friends that i've actually chosen. work. family. projects.
it's not my ideal. it's not where i see myself. it's temporary.
lately, it's been nice. i've been happy for at least a month straight... which, to be honest, is a big deal.
i don't know how long this will last.
taking a moment to pause... and being out the other end of my relationship that didn't quite begin... i worry that i'm losing myself.

nostalgia kicks in.
all the amazing things i've experienced. the person i was. the friends who are all way too far away.
i came home to refuel. reboot. get my feet back under me. get some perspective.
it feels like i'm half way there.

i'm trying not to be impatient.
i feel like my trip to nyc in feb will be like a big smack in the face for me. i don't know how i'm going to be able to come back here after that.
or maybe it'll suck.
it's still so far away.
and i'm not at all prepared... better get on that.

it's just... the people here... even the theatre people...they don't get me. they don't get it. they might love theatre, but they don't live life as a theatre artist. they might have been in a thousand plays... but never created even 5 minutes of something original... something that involves risk.
if i stay here - i'm not going to find people who get it. i have to go to a city... you can't have what it is i want in a place this small.
i get some of what i want.
i get my outdoors.
i get more sunshine.
i get family and health and convenience.
i get the use of cars, i sleep in a beautiful house, i don't have financial burdens.

but i miss my city life. not every day. but right now. the ability to walk outside at night and actually be somewhere.

i tend to believe in 'meant to be' and 'things happening for a reason'. i wonder if the reason my boy 'friends' and i are nothing more than that is because i can't risk attaching myself to this place... eventually waking up one day, and realizing that i've lost the best part of me.

i've still got it.
but i'm at moderate risk.

and i'm totally regretting committing to the community theatre play i'm in... or barely in... i should say.
this is not the theatre life i signed up for. but i can't back out now. or can i..... nope. eff.

well... long ramble could go on and on for ever... but i'll save that for my journals.

i'd better get busy, or i'll keep thinking way too much.

in the blink of an eye...

i'm back to being "just friends" with my friend.
(my celebate friend... by the way...)
bam.
that was quick.
but it goes with my theme of no compromise... i suppose...
two days ago i felt like shit about my lack of relationship potential,
yesterday i felt fine...
today i feel like life is as it should be.
it just makes sense.
it feels easy.

maybe it's b/c part of me senses he isn't truly what i want.
maybe it's b/c there's another new friend in the picture that has sparked my interest.
maybe it's b/c i'm way too busy right now to let anything register.
maybe it's b/c friends have always lasted longer for me than boyfriends.

in any case.
back to 100% single.
i feel.... relief....

aside from the fact that i will never get laid again.

i'd better go for a jog.

the terror of heartbreak

so i'm in. but not fully. just sitting on the edge of it.
casual.
everything is cool. nothing's set in stone.
no expectations.
no committments.
no sense of security.
just one day at a time.
i don't know if i can deal with this.
it will start to hurt eventually.

and so i self protect by picking out the negatives and looking at my other options.

who cares?
not me.
look out for number one.

it always comes back to cute boys.

so i have a big sloppy crush on my cute boy who's a friend.
and we totally hooked up this past weekend.
now we're friends who make out.
and text each other a thousand times a day.
it's disgusting, actually.
like princess-alathariel/eg vomit worthy.

i feel oddly calm about this...

could this actually be a good thing???

i'm waiting for it all to go to shit/me to have a freak out session in 10...9...8...7....

dear princess a

your cookie is functionally disabled.
this is not a put down in any way shape or form.
or some sort of sexual reference.
haha

i just can't access your blog.

fix please!!

silent blogging

sooo.... i'm feeling as though the rest of this blog circle has effed off somewhere. that's fine. just fine... the cheese stands alone. i can deal.
so what's new.
awesomeness. still working that angle. not bad, not bad.
i am no longer in any stupid confusing boy situations - however i have sworn off any and all office boys or similar. for absolutely real this time. it's not even appealing to me in the least anymore.

in other news - i'm getting my old feet back under me. i'm going to NYC in feb/march. oh yes... and not only am i going, but i'm doing a play there. my play. that i wrote. why? because i'm awesome.
i'm also going to s#!t my pants. seriously. holy F%$k. what the hell am i doing?
i expect you all to come and say i'm amazing even if i'm not.
thanks.
also am finally putting together a cabaret out here. who knows how that'll go. it could be the biggest community theatre/highschool talent styles gong show, or it could be amazingness.

eff it. that's my motto. kind of like nike's 'just do it' ... but with inappropriate language.

what else.
i've made a couple new friends. boys/men.... or boys2men... and i'm mariah carey.... um. what?
one of whom i sort of think i probably might kindof sorta have a crush on. but he's in post breakup period.... not available.... i'm restraining myself. for the sake of no compromises/awesomeness. friends. i like friends.

frickin dudes. it always comes back to it.

c'est la vie.

i still miss my artsy fartsy gaytime buddies.
visit me.
xo
or at least comment on my blog so i feel like i'm special.
thanks.

awesomeness

this is my new theme.
and hence, i've decided it's appropriate to blog about it... seeing as i've been less than awesome by leaving my blog empty for a very long time.

i had an "aha!" moment two weekends ago when visiting beautiful victoria b.c.
hanging out with cousins.
staying on a stranger's hide-a-bed.
the stranger was a friend of my cousin. it turns out he's also friends with an elementary school crush of mine whom i've put up on a pedestal since i can remember.

and i thought "why have i put this guy up on a pedestal of awesomeness, when i am just as awesome as he is?"
so it began.
start living up to my potential... and moreover, don't make excuses or dumb down awesomeness that already exists in me.

it's more an attitude than anything else.
yes, i'm getting some more things done.
i've added some goals to my list.
but in general, it's a state of mind.

awesomeness.

i encourage you to try it.

skinny

i just finished teaching a pilates private lesson to a young ballerina.
about 10 minutes into the class i got that faint familiar smell.
the smell of rotting insides.
bulimia.
it broke my heart, even though i know that this is just the way it is.
if you want to be a ballerina.
if you want to be a model.
if you want to be skinny.
if you have to be skinny to do what you want.

she's a lovely girl. i hope it's worth it for her.

bringing drama to smalltown

what is with me and creating retarded drama?
(side note - just because i'm here now, doesn't mean i'll never be back - and just b/c you're there now, doesn't mean you'll be gone later)
DRAMA. boys. life. blah.
managed to hook up with guy who works at my dad's office. this is not the first guy - guy i was super crushing on, embarrassingly made out with at season end party and who ultimately rejected me - nor is this awkward brit who i accidentally kissed one drunken evening and am pretending to forget about.... no, this is yet another guy from my dad's office.

how many guys work at my dad's office you ask? why do i need to create these incestuous social situations for myself???
i don't know the answer to these questions. all i know is that it needs to stop.
i even gave myself the 'don't-do-anything-you-might-regret' pep talk before going out, getting drunk and hooking up with office dude.
balls to the wall.

so i've realized a couple of things.
a) i like making out with people
b) i like attention from boys (duh, who doesnt)
c) after so long in the toronto theatre mostly gay scene - i've forgotten how to behave in a "normal" hetero co-ed social situation. like, keep your regina saskatchewan in your pants already!

in all fairness to me... (ahem: excuse essay begins here)... dude number one i legitimately liked - only kissed - we were all totally sloshed as is traditional for this particular party - and, if he had said 'yes' to me asking him out afterwards - we would have been dating and the whole situation would be cute and told at our wedding (because that's what people do around here, they get married), not slutty (even though I hardly qualify kissing as slutty - but we're in small city accounting land of conservatism here - not free love gaytown theatreville expressyourself avenue). dude number two just really likes me and sometimes i over flirt. but i have NOT flirted with him for MONTHS. although i still think i may have to actually tell him that i'm not interested.
this brings us to dude number three.
i actually kinda like this guy - but was totally thrown off by the hookup b/c i just didn't ever see him going there. but there he went. and he acted SOOO into me that i freaked out and acted reletively yikes/cool-casual the next day....
HOWEVER, i did give him my ph#. and he hasn't called. 8 days, no call.
so wtf?
retardation city is what. and what the hell do i want anyway?? eff if i know.

DRAMA.
plus - guy number 2 and 3 are friends. or at least work buddies. they work togetherish. on same projects. and drive to random places overnight for work reasons together... awkward, yes?

and to add to all of this b.s., i'll be working at my dad's office at least here and there over the next year. (project into future: artsmonkey standing in lunch room with dudes #1-3 all happening to be there at the same time - with their respective friends who know their dirty little secrets).

so, all i have to say is - amazing. me. awesome.

and this is just my local drama.

will i never learn?
i need local gay friends asap who wouldn't hook up with me ever unless we were the last 2 people on the earth and had to procreate to save the species.
unlikely to happen here.
so for now, step lightly... be careful. try not to be yourself too much.
sounds awful. never going to happen.

tune in next week....

back on the blog horse

i'm back home. the blogging will continue after a month and a half of no posts. shameful, i know.
where do i begin?
the summer has been so full of blog worthyness that it would take me forever to try to update, so i wont.

for now i'll just say that i've decided a few things this year.
1. i will not compromise - this i'd decided quite a while ago. and so far so good
2. i will live in the present and the future, not the past. lately i've been living a lot in the present, dwelling a bit in memories, and not putting enough into my future.
3. i don't live in toronto anymore. i live in b.c.. i need to committ to that. i'm changing my phone number, my drivers licence, my health care. time to stop being such a nomad for a while.
4. i need to make money, even if that means working a 'real job' until i'm out of debt and have some savings so that i can have some freedom.

okay. that's all for now.
i'll save the stories for later.

3 days in mexio

travel makes the rest of life seem irrelevant in the moment.
home has family, friends and pursuit of a dream.
travel has life.

it´s all life though, isn´t it...
i crave variety more the older i get.
the closer i get to an age where i might settle down
the more i want to rip up roots.

carp diem.

last minutes

so, i should be finishing up packing.
last day in my town b4 a summer away.

i've been home as long as i was travelling last year.
time.
weird.

went to a party on saturday night.
was thinking before hand: i bet i'll meet a guy the week before i go to leave.
so what happens.
i meet a guy.

could be nothing.
could be something.

all i know is he's cute, he spent the night in my camper and we just had an hour long fb conversation.

so maybe i'll see him when i get back.
and maybe i wont.

but it seems i've met someone i'd like to see again - and i think the feeling is mutual.

life.
you are so predictable.

ode to 29

29 - so far you are the shit
i can't stop ageing by stressing about it - so eff it.

i've never auditioned this much in my life. not that i can remember. maybe it's b/c i'm applying for everything. maybe it's b/c i don't let myself make excuses not to go. maybe it's a bone that the universe has been witholding until now.
who knows.
all i know is it's pretty great.
except i'm not booking anything that pays... yet. think positive.

for skinny's sake - i'd like to let you all know that i got dissed (yes, i said 'dissed') by the local dinner/community theatre. didn't cast me. lame. lameo lamerton.

but who the eff cares??? i don't. i don't, really... although i thought it would be cool to play annie sullivan, or sing "SWING YOUR RAZOR WIDE, SWEENY". whatevs. no big deal. i'm 29 - i laugh in the face of rejection... hahahaHA!

i'm also mature enough now to ask boys out via facebook. no more silent stalking for me!! oh no - time is of the essence.

so what am i trying to say??
i don't know.
a lot of things suck, but a lot of things are pretty great.
life: bring it on.
30: bring it... well... take your time... but BRING IT.
'oh, it's already been broughten'.... snap.
i have no idea how that last quote pertains to this conversation i'm having with myself.
lack of sleep?
excessive hours driving??

oh - and ended up staying in a hostel last night in the same room alone with beautiful young athletic/rower/climber/swimmer from montreal. he was 22... if that. i was like "oh, this reminds me of something" / "i'm impervious to your charms boy!! i've done this before!"

wait a minute. THIS IS NOT AN ODE!!
dammit.
it's a ramble.
AGAIN

i'm sorry fellow bloggers. my writing has gone down the toilet.
i'll insert poetry or something.

oooh! i did write a poem... i'll post it later. it's all longing and unrequited love-esque.
good times.

dear 29: where have you taken my writing skill? and my maturity for that matter??? don't worry, i still like you - but nobody may like me once you're done with me.

happy birthday to me

so this birthday has surpassed the last three shitty ones. last good birthday was 25 - at bedroom princes place -a joint bday with neenia... i had a cute boyfriend... we all got drunk... there was a life sized cher cut out...
all amazing.
and after that.
stood up bday. awkward bday. alone bday.

this year. pretty low key. good dinner with family. icecream cake with a kitten on it... haha.
drinks with some friends.
not bad.

and i'm feeling good about my age.

life seems to be throwing me some cards. maybe nothing will turn into anything, but for now, there's something.

i need to learn an irish accent by saturday... also music from 'joseph' and 'sweeny todd'.... yikes....
then 4 shakespeare excerpts for monday.

wait a minute... am i living the life of an actor... finally?
perhaps perhaps.
things aren't always what they look like.

tonight i know i disappointed a boy by going home early. but i'm not ever going to love him. so why lead him on? i've always lead them on b/c i feel bad saying 'see ya later'. so i'm home alone. with a glass of good red wine. blogging.

life isn't what i expected in some ways. but it's working for me so far. sometimes i get all self indulgent and whiney and 'why why why'... but then i realize that i'm being ridiculous. i have everything.
well, not everything. but more than i need.

29 and all is well. i think 29 suits me. more so than 27 or 28. the feeling old has somehow melted away with this birthday and now it's just life.

i'm gonna live forever.... light up the sky with my name...

a checklist

i'm tired, but feeling less blah then i was for my last post.
so i figure now's as good a time as any to write a little blogaroo.

ahem.... 'bloggidy blog blog blog'...

life. things i think about the most:
boys, my future, my career, the orphanage in honduras, friends, my fitness, food, travel, work, family.

normal, yes?

as for boys. the one i wanted didn't want me back. or should i say - was afraid of me/just wasn't that into me. the one i like but dont love is still hangin' around... and managed to steal a kiss from me the other night while i was in flirtatious drunk mode. so that happened..... and now i'm also toying with the idea of trying to meet up with this guy - who i only know b/c he's the younger brother of this guy who i sort of dated/was in a love triangle with in highschool and sorta stomped all over his heart.... who is doing just fine now - married with children and living in a different city.
perfect.
so i'm thinking the younger brother is out of bounds?? got in touch with him b/c we share the same love of theatre (which i discovered through the grapevine). we've done the amiable fb add and 3 msg back and forth.
thinking it's probably best to just leave it at that. yep.
oh - and i ran into his parents at this bbq i went to today. all very weird. all very 'my past drama entering my present - but with a twist'.
good times.

so next thing: future. wtf. i'm just living my life and enjoying the sun and not making too many plans past the fall. is that cool? i've always been a big planner - now i'm kind of 'loose plans, subject to change, day at a time' - which is working for me so far... but it's not like i'm achieving anything. i generally feel like i should be achieving things... maybe not?

friends: i miss my old ones, enjoying my new ones - but still not sure if the new ones will stick... a little worried about the guy who's into me throwing a wrench in my social circle here.... gotta be careful with that one...

kids at the orphanage: i carry around a little bit of guilt on a regular basis that i'm not doing as much as i can to communicate with them and know what's going on and planning my next trip there. i'm being moderately self indulgent. i don't think this makes me a bad person, but i'm definitely not being ideal.

fitness and food: i need to be hot and skinny for my sister's wedding b/c the pics will be in my life FOREVER. also - i just ate a dq blizzard.

work: don't have enough, need money, don't really feel like working though, and am enjoying my temporary unemployment.

travel: going to mexico in 4 weeks. YAY! adventure time. then the t dot. LOVE TORONTO. wish i could also go somewhere in the winter... not so sure that'll happen though b/c i need money.


that's about it.....oh wait - family: valuing family more than ever in my life. wondering how sister being married will effect our relationship. wondering if i'll still be living at home when i'm 40. hoping that's a no.

okay. that's about it.
and the brain goes round and round. boys, money, fitness, boys, food, travel, family, boys... etc etc.... hey.. i think that was sort of in my play! how true to life theatre can be....
wheeee!!

ugh

again. time has passed.
do i have to fill you in on every little detail??
long story short: didn't work out.
i went for it. didn't work out.

i've come back home and i'm just as often someone's daughter as i am myself.
in my old world i was just me.

there are pro's and cons.

i'm in a mood. a "why" mood.

why is it the things i go for, i don't get?
why does someone else get the job and not me?
why why why....

but then i can turn it around and ask:
why am i so lucky?
why did i get to be born in this great country, to this amazing family, to this support system?
why am i the one who gets to pursue my dream while someone else works in a shitty factory type job?
why am i the healthy, strong person with no major problems?

so it goes both ways.
but tonight i'm focussing on what i don't have.
because sometimes you just have to mope.

and i'm in a mood. so i want to mope. and be wistful and starry eyed and vaguely discontented(that one's for you, neenia).

i don't really know what the hell i'm doing here. but it seems to be where i'm supposed to be. so i stay. for now.... here there and everywhere.

i had a hamlet read through the other night. i'm going to be in a play. i can't wrap my mind around it right now. i keep thinking " maybe something better will come along".... but isn't that thought process the source of my losses?

gahh.....
angsty, self indulgent post.

i'm going to write another play. god give me strength.

if you know exactly what you are going to do, what is the point in doing it?? said picasso.

f-ing boys

i'm way too tired to go into every little detail but...
i hate my crush!!!
i hate him for being so difficult and cocky/insecure/smart ass and impossible to read.
i hate me for having a stupid crush on such a frustrating boy.
and he is.
a boy. a guy. a guys guy who has no clue that i'm interested.
the most i get is an elastic band shot at me from over a cubicle.
and i eat it up like a teenage girl who just ran into the jonas brothers at the dairy queen.

fuck i hate him. he's such a dick.

and in the meantime i could go for at least two other guys at the office. but am i interested??? no. of course not!! bah!
but he's tall and lanky and kinda geeky but in a cool way and has nice hands and wears his prescription sunglasses at his desk b/c he broke his regular glasses....
and he makes smartass/borderline insulting comments about me being the partner's daughter that make me want to punch him/have hot hate-sex with him.

this is torture.
thank god tax season is over in a week.

crush

okay. so it's been nearly a month since my last blog. not cool, i know.
but i'm working 9-5 like dolly parton, and i'm writing in my journal again....and i've been drunk the past 4 weekends. maybe more.

so now that my excuses are over...

i have a crush on a boy at my office/ my dad's office.
at first i thought he was really young, not b/c he looks young, but b/c he's a student - so i wasn't allowing myself to actually have the crush - seeing as my crushes on younger boys were becoming a habit.

however, i was wrong. just found out he is a mere 1 year younger than me. so basically my age. i've been denying myself a propper crush for a month b/c of misinformation. horray! i'm not turning into a coug!

i even started to consider the awkward british guy at the office who reeeaaaally likes me b/c i thought there were no better options. (and when i say awkward, not in a hot hugh grant way - more in an 'i-can't-imagine-having-sex-with-you-unless-i-was-so-drunk-and-needy-and-then-waking-up-in-the-morning-and-being-all-oh-shit-oh-fuck-oh-shit' kind of way).

in all fairness to the brit, the attention was kinda fun - but now i'm quite sure i would never date him ever so i just have potential awkward advances to avoid. but scarily, he was up for consideration...

but back to the subject at hand.
a boy my age who is cute and likely single actually exists. i thought they had all been shot. even if absolutely nothing comes of this b/c i'm his boss' daughter and he's therefore afraid of me(minor issue) - it provides hope.

it's like highschool all over. i have my flirt strategies set out for the week. we're both going to be at the neil young concert this week. unfortunately i'll be going with my dad... not exactly ideal... seeing as this will probably feed his fear of me... but it's fodder for conversation... right?
i don't even know how to do this.
i can't remember the last time i've gone after a guy. i've always just gone for the guys that go for me first.
how lame is that? i'm such a lame-o.
could explain why all my relationships are doomed to fail.
or it could just be my issues with committment.

ahhh...
what a fluffy non-substantial blog.
i guess this is what happens when you move back to a small city and get a real job.
i promise it's only temporary!!!

but while i'm temporarily retarded - i'll try to keep the blogs up to date.

waiting for doug

i'm sitting around, house to myself for the weekend... actually having a weekend in the traditional sense...

i feel like i should be doing something productive just because. however, i am currently waiting for the microwave guy to finish installing the microwave. dave from sears. or is it doug from sears... i'm bad with names. i'm also hungry. doug - let's call him doug - called at 930am to say he'd arrive 'late morning' which, in installer-guy terms, i take to mean noon. so i started making my amazing brunch at about 1020, when 'dingdong!' doug's here! 45 minutes he says. i've left the sauteed omelette ingredients on the counter. bread teetering in the toaster. i'm hungry dammit!

it's absolutely beautiful outside. but i must eat before exiting the house. so now i'm diddling around on line. i can smell my half made brunch. mild torture.
i could make use of myself and work on my grant application... but that would just be too perfect of me. besides, i don't even know if i'm eligible for this specific grant. i'm waiting, and have been waiting for one and a half weeks, for nancy from the canada council to get back to me re: my resume. i think i may have the wrong email address.
it remains to be seen.

my plans for the weekend are as follows:
-go for a jog
-go for a swim
-write
-wax legs
-paint nails
-rent a movie
-drink some wine
-buy new shoes and maybe tops for new job (gotta keep those office boys interested)
-think about sort of making progress on grant application
-be outside sometimes
not particularily in that order. so far i've done some writing, drank some wine (last night), and sent a second email regarding my grant eligiblity. not bad. not great.

i wish doug would speed things up... it's now been an hour at the least.
don't lie doug... it's not nice. 45 mins and an hour and 15 are two very different things. now doug is on his cell... hmm work related? who knows. ooh... sounds like he's nearly done. maybe.
i want to eat!

well... yet another random blog for self entertainment. i should do this more often.
okay. let's wrap this up, doug. time to go. the microwave seems to be installed.
why install a microwave anyway? it's always been a counter appliance to me. just plop the thing on the counter. but i guess when you live in a nice house and have nice things you can afford to suspend your microwave over top of the stove.

what a ridiculously cushy little world i'm living in at present.
it'll be nice to get back to reality eventually - where microwaves don't always exist.

the real world?

i finished my first week of the temp job.
i'm relieved to be busy.
i'm happy to be around people.
it's fun to dress pretty.
a 'real' job.

feels kind of like being back in high school or university.
more high school, actually.
the structure. the familiar faces. the boys and the girls. the superiors and inferiors.
mutual checking out. idle chit chat. mini crushes. strategic flirting.
a predictable landscape where you can fantasize about the unpredictable.

i get why people, most people, choose this life.
it's so simple.
just show up.
i'm sure, at least i hope i'm sure, that i'll get bored of it all.
i'm counting on it.
but for now i'm enjoying this part i'm playing.

lazy lazy bored bored

i've let a month go by with no blogging. bad me. not as bad as the rest of you (skinny excepted)... but bad. (insert finger wagging here)

it's just those february blahs. topped with living back with my parents in my home town where i have barely any social life. topped with the fact that i have not been involved in any sort of theatre or performance activity in sooooo long. i'm an actor. really? prove it.

i know that this step is just as important as all the other steps. the rest time. the 'save hypothetical money' time. the down time.

i'm bored with down time. i'm bored with this town. i'm bored with myself.

but next week i start a temp office job. i'll be playing the part of 'receptionist'. if i describe it like some sort of live experimental theatre series i feel much better about it. the costumes are great. haven't met the supporting cast yet. hoping there might be a romance that gets gradually revealed through season one. hoping the series gets cancelled after one season.
i'd hate to get type cast.

listen to me. i'm imbalanced. i live in a weird little world inside my head where it's actually all a movie or a stage play. i actually rearrange the events of my day in my head as they're happening to create a more succinct, audience friendly format. i think being around 'normal' people in a 'normal' world is revealing my inner strangeness. i think i hide it pretty well though.

oh god get me out of here. the plan is to move to vancouver... after a summer in toronto... but is that where i belong? i feel like hercules... singing that "find where i belong" song. except i'm not in as good of shape... i am going to the pool tomorrow... swimming laps is a start.... but seriously - one needs a personal trainer and nutritionist to get disney-hot.
i've lost track of my thought. maybe it's time for bed.

ugh. to sleep perchance to dream... perchance to wake up and actually be stimulated by life for a full day or more....

it's like i used up my big bag of interesting already. it's all or nothing, isn't it.

well. rambley ramble-pants. i thought i had a point. i need to see a shrink. that's my point. but for now i will just vent in blog format. lucky readers.
who reads this anyway? aside from my fellow bloggees... i sometimes wonder if ex boyfriends or ex boyfriends girlfriends or old colleagues, or random people i once knew somehow know this is me and are privy to all my inner thoughts. i would assume they'd get bored and eventually stop reading... i count on that so i don't have to over censor myself. not that i would... or care... really.
just curious..... show yourselves!!! .... hmm. step away from the computer.

see.
see what this place is doing to me!? if i was tom hanks in castaway i'd be in much worse shape than befriending a soccer ball. i'd have married the soccer ball and had soccer ball children and then started a touring family theatre company for the coconut trees.

i keep feeling it's time to wrap this blog up. wrap it up. that's a wrap.

just one more thing... actually i have no other thing.... i just feel as though i haven't propperly concluded. maybe a quote.... (thinking....)....
nope. nothing. sorry.
the end.

t dot

tomorrow might as well be christmas because I'M GOING TO TORONTO!!! WOOHOOO!
sooooo needing this right now. i can't even wait. i doubt i'll sleep. gah. i need to be teleported.
slight sad part is that i'm only going for a week.
i had a panic moment today thinking "why am i here? why am i not living in Toronto?? who decided this again!!??"
but then i remembered all the reasons.
i just really wish i was rich and could fly back and forth whenever i gd felt like it.

one day.
that's what i'm working on.
here.
in k-town.
with one friend.
sort of.

i can't wait i can't wait i can't wait i can't wait!!!!

facebook

why is it so addicting and satisfying and unsatisfying?
this wierd replacement for an actual life. which is so much more addictive when you barely have a life...
i'm feeling all unpopular b/c no one commented on my stupid f-ing 25 things. everyone else got comments.
were my 25 things boring? irrelevant?
why does no one love me!!! AAAAAAhhhhhhh!!!
see! see what gd fb does to me!!??
and why do i need to be notified when other people comment on other people's 25 things??? just rubbing it in my face is what.
balls to the wall.

ooh - but to make up for it, today i had two previous crushes randomly write on my wall.
not important that one is married with three children and the other is 22 and inlove with someone else. and both live far far away. and i'm not actually interested in either other than in a purely facebook sense.... details.
also... other 'friend' (who, i think, also has a gf) offered for me to 'crash' at his place while in the t dot. what kind of offer is this??
as you can tell by my random obsessing - i have WAY too much time on my hands.

thank god i'm having a little toronto adventure in 4 days. sanity may be restored.

writers block?

i'm writing. well, more like copying.
i'm going through all my journals from my year and typing up the good/interesting parts in hopes that i'll be inspired to create some amazing story.
the thing is - it's kind of an amazing story just the way it is.
well, maybe not amazing - but interesting.
so what the hell am i going to do with it?

the plan is to apply for a grant. but i have to tell them what i'm doing to get the grant. what am i doing?
i used to be able to fully visualize my end product... it would always change - but at least it was there.
i'm waiting for my 'aha!' moment.
as i get older these projects drag out longer and longer.
maybe it's b/c my life becomes more layered.
i don't know what i'm trying to say.

i wish i could just publish an edited version of my journals. and they would be super relevant and people would feel like they'd been somewhere after reading.

i think i think too much.
i think i can't wait til i get to toronto.
i think i'm not going to be able to ride on the interestingness of my past year for much longer...
i think i hate that valentines day is in a week and a half.
i think i probably could have done with just the one cup of coffee.
i think i want attention.

maybe i should put on some music and dance over-enthusiastically in my living room and it will all be better.

not so bad

so things are looking up.
i spent the weekend alone up at my parents cottage. very nice.
i think i have a plan!

i'm going to give this town a chance. living at home means i am free to leave without worry.
i can visit toronto - which i will once or twice this year.
i can work in different cities for bits of time... like for theatre (eg. fringe and summerstock)
i have time to write.
and it looks like i'll have dayjob work - horray money!

also - i'm going to apply for a writing grant... fingers crossed! and look into a vancouver agent (see if they'll rep me long distance)

the biggest ingredient i need is patience. which i'm getting better at.
i still need some friends (local friends), which will hopefully come with time. sex life would also be nice before i get old and my assets are hanging on the ground.... sex in kelowna? does this happen? to be determined....

anyhoo... i can't complain about the living situation, the cottage access and vehicle access (i feel spiritually at one with the vw camper van... it's such a hippy dippy independence vehicle).
plus, if the vw van holds out - i may be road tripping to mexico this summer for my sister's wedding... oh yeah.

whatever

ug.
i feel like i should blog now or i'll never blog again.
my motivation switch is broken.
i do stuff. stuff i should do. but more b/c i know it's the thing to do.
like call re: jobs. look up theatre companies on line. go to pilates.

i feel like i'm hiding out in my hometown. and it's like the last 10 years of my life didn't happen. there's no evidence of it anywhere.
that freaks me out.
what was i working so hard for again?? what do i have to show for it?

and how did i turn 28? when did that happen?
i find myself checking out boys that are way too young for me... it's as if i think i'm still their age - and guys my age.... well, there are no straight single guys my age. there aren't even guys my age in general. i think someone had them all killed when i turned 23.

i have these goals. that i could write down on paper. but if i do that then i'll have to do something about them. and that gives me anxiety. so i dont.
one day at a time.

i feel like a foreiner in my own country. i just don't understand what everyone gets so worked up about. i don't get why the things that are important to people here are important.
maybe i'll phase out of it.
maybe it's just reverse culture shock.
or maybe i'm just using that as an excuse to be wishy washy.

that's so not like me.
balls to the wall.

i just have to wait til january passes.... then i might impress myself...