what i´m really thinking

dudes! i haven´t blogged in way too long. on my real blog, that is.

i´m just spent. time is not exactly so much available these days.
but... only 10 days left here, then 16 days of travel to cancun, then back to mom and dad´s place.
for an indefinite time period.
still thinking maybe living at home would be smart, financially speaking, if the agency can´t take me back.
i´ll hold off on making a decision there.
although, moving back home at age 28 may make me want to slit my eyeballs open just a little. so maybe it´ll be toronto and debt afterall.

side note: re: rugby player who posted me all over facebook. he still lets me know about the other girls he´s interested in so wtf. seriously. just fall madly in love with me already so i can decide i was actually only into you b-c you weren´t into me and i can reject you.
god.
don´t boys know anything??

in the meantime, i let my standards slide and hooked up with a short stalky british guy who was breaking up with his gf. but he had a good sense of humour (can´t believe i just said that). and left the country 2 days later. thankfully. a definite not-so-attractive-fling requirement.

oh to be back in canada. i just can´t wait to get back and be socially isolated for preaching against materialism and capitalism and make people feel shitty for doing their christmas shopping at walmart. whoo hoo! happy holidays!

not so bad

my faith has been partially restored after a visit from the board of directors.
basically they all think the 'director' is a huge problem.
so hopefully things might change for these kids.
in the meantime.... i inquired about adoption.
it's just a thought.
and it would take 3-4 years possibly.
i just feel so bad for these kids.

on a different note - i booked a flight home to kelowna for mid december. so i'll leave the orphanage at the end of november.
one month left.
heading home to a shitty economy. yeehaa!! hopefully i'll still have a job.

ps. i held a monkey. it loved me. i loved it. we loved. it was goodtimes.

some observations

1. i have lice. again.
2. i live in an orphanage.
3. i realized the other day that i´ve had sex a total of 5 times in the year 2008. five.
4. i have no money. i´m in debt for an organization i don´t believe in.
5. i´m going to go buy a frosty to make it all better for about 10 minutes.

feeling a little more sane?

i think i´m going to come back to toronto in the new year.
i finally have a plan a.
plan a is good. much better than 50 plan b´s
i´m not going to adopt a 3 yr old.
i have no money and i still have my things i want to do...
but i know it´s something i may want to do some day... so i feel like i have a reason to try to make-save money and maybe be slightly more of a responsible adult.
only slightly.
i´m having a crazy adventure in nicaragua. i´ve prolonged my vacation another week. i´m avoiding the orphanage.
i still dont want to go back. i do and i dont.
i wish i could just come and go as i pleased... instead of being jailed there.
i will survive.
just like the song.
i´m singing it right now in my head.
and you are too.
haha.

one great thing about central america is the romantic tunes cd´s from the 70´s and 80´s that are always playing in restaurants and busses.
good times.
one can always count on ´total eclipse of the heart´or ´take my breath away´to put a smile on one´s face.

blahdee dah.

i´m getting ready to get my life back. i miss it. two more months to go...

the inevitable

i´ve changed.
that´s certain.
how could i not after this past 4 months.

the question is, how much?
i think i´ll discover that when i get home.
i´m a bit freaked out by this idea.

i´m still the same person - but maybe i´ve just shed some layers.
i prefer to think of it that way.

insane thought

i´m thinking about adopting a 3 yr old.
i haven´t told anyone but stranger traveler people i´ve met on the road.
but.
it´s not actually allowed.
can´t take kids out of honduras.
however,
i´m still going to do some inquiring.

this probably won´t happen.
but i´m thinking about it.
i´m projecting into the possible future in my head.

how weird is that.
who am i??

seat of my pants

i´m saved after spending an afternoon, eve and morning with only $2 to my name.
bailed out by dad.
what the hell would i do without my family?
i feel like a codependant retard.
i´m 28 years old. shouldnt i be an adult by now?
i´m getting lines on my face.
i´m having issues with the idea of ageing.

the last night i was in costa rica i had a regrettable hookup.
nice guy, but i wasnt attracted.... just sort of went along with it b-c i was super excessively drunk. didn´t go all the way along with it though. thank god.
but i hate that feeling the next day when you´re having those semi gross flashbacks.
ah... just like college.

i´m in a beach town now.
but with no sun and no friends.
but i have some money.
thank god.
actually, thank dad.

i feel like staying away and never going back to the orphanage. is that bad?? or just going back to visit.
i´ll go back.

i don´t know what the hell i´m doing with my life.
what´s all this free-spirit bullshit. why can i not just be content with normal.
i keep thinking there´s something bigger for me. like some grand purpose.
maybe i´m just a crazy wanderer.
who the f knows.

sorry for the ramble.
i need food.

i miss you friends.

balls

fuck.
i just need to swear and beat someone up a little.
why the f do people not do their job when it´s their job?
why the f would someone start an organization without the ability or funds to run it?
why would someone think it´s okay for a kid to only have a non functioning toilet full of shit, but make sure they got to go to a pool or get candy once a week?
why is the head of this organization such a dip shit?
why do i have to pay more to live in an orphanage where i do tripple the work as when i was living at a house?

i need to get drunk.
balls.
this organization makes me so mad.

and re: spilling secrets of the mormon guy?
basically questioning religion, identity and sexuality.
the usual.
totally what i predicted.
step up to artsmonkey´s councelling couch-hammock.

hey!

now you guys are making me feel bad.
like some lame single late twenties loser who´s just obsessed with anyone i meet. i do have standards.
and he´s not a bible thumper.
he´s christian. there´s a difference. and not right wing either.
just young.
and gone.
and not probably quite right for me in the reality of what my life outside of a volunteer house in honduras would be.
but still.

i do feel more sex should have been had though.
what a waste.

i moved into the orphanage a week ago.
new scene.
i actually like it.
and my roommate is a blast and we can talk about sex and masterbation and swear and be highly inappropriate and it´s great.

i think what i needed here was a friend. and not a friend-crush.

and a new guy lives at the volunteer house now.
20yr old tree planter university student guitar player from thunder bay.
totally odd and funny and unappologetic and canadian. sort of vince vaughn like.
a needed addition to the other slightly uptight people there.

funnily enough it´s the 20yr old mormon guy who i´ll stay up til 2am talking to.
he´s already shared extreme personal information with me.
i think he´s majorly questioning who he is.
he likes talking to me b-c i don´t judge him.
i´m like a psuedo counsellor.

good times.
anyhoo.
that´s what´s new with me.

of course

so of course we had sex.
but we were totally drunk and a teensy bit high.
i barely remember how it even started.
i think it was just like an explosion of tension and frustration on both ends.

and then the next day...
acted like it didn´t even happen.
yep.
21years old. right. i forgot.

so totally awkward all day going for a hike with another volunteer and her bf.

finally at the end of the day i said something.
i said i didn´t know what to say.
so he said. so don´t.
so don´t.
nice.
so i said are we cool.
we´re cool.
21yrs old.
right.

and now he´s gone. and i don´t know if i miss him or just the idea of someone who could be completely perfect for me in every possible way.
except for being 21 (nearly 22... but still) and finishing his last year at college as captain of the rugby team.

he left his teeshirt on the line.
i try not to be obsessed with it.

what the hell....

seriously??

so we´re going to this jungle river lodge to meet up with another volunteer and her bf.
but they don´t have dorm beds available.
all that´s available is a shared private room.
one bed.
really?
this is getting out of hand.

this place is warping me....

i'm exhausted.
i've doubled up on jobs - actually more like trippled up - trying to fill in for volunteers who've left - and it's exhausting.
also learned that the head of the organization i'm working for (whose incompetant in most ways) may be a pedophile.
stellar.
not jumping to conclusions yet though.

and i've been living with boy for 2 weeks alone.
we're friends.
i don't think i'm even female to him.
or i'm just soooo very old that i don't count.
i might as well be a chair for all he's concerned.
but we're friends.
fantastic.

could you put your shirt on while your being friends with me then?
and not be so attractive?
i don't know if i'm attracted b/c he shows absolutely no interest and i want to be in the game, or i'm actually interested.
there have been those moments of 'what do you mean by that' and 'do you realize what the hell you're saying' in my head.
too many.
i feel like i'm in highschool and have a crush on my male friend who is constantly talking about 'girls'.
it's all very highschool... or first year university... one of the two.
like a movie staring hillary duff.
ridiculousness.

i really have to stop thinking about it.
he leaves in less than a week and i'll be living with ugly people.
the way it should be.

also - like this is really a huge problem.... there are children starving in the world...
like next door.
nice.
my sense of humour has become really twisted.
for example, he and i think we should start a game where the first person to see a dead animal gets points.
cats and dogs are low.
cows and horses are high.

creepy and disgusting.
but what do you do?

inappropriate things to do:

bible study with out a shirt.
talk incessantly about other volunteer girl while not wearing shirt.
become super extra good friends with me.
without wearing said shirt.

i'm going to die.

lice, lonliness and forbidden fruit.

so. i have lice. lice. so so sexy.´
it was bound to happen.

i went to utila a week and a half ago.
bliss.
met up with the karate instructor volunteer from ny, a swim instructor volunteer from ireland, and a cool girl volunteer from colorado.
i enjoyed being sandwiched between two well defined boys in a kayak.
will this happen again? probably not.

my french canadian roommie has decreased her meds and is starting to get on my nerves. the bluntness i once found refreshing is now more like rudeness that makes me want to punch her in the face.
just a little.

but she´s leaving on saturday.
so are the dutch couple.

so then it will just be me and the boy who just arrived two days ago.
alone.
for 15 days until more show up.

the boy who just arrived:
guessing he´s about 21.
a 6 ft tall rugby player from alabama. with the lats of a rock climber.
devout christian but without being preachy in any way.
and drinks like a college boy when given the opportunity.
much to attractive for my comfort levels.
i woke up this morning and walked into the main room to find him sweeping the floors shirtless.
after this he sat down to do some bible study.
i feel like he just walked out of some christian soap opera.

is this a test? wtf.

i´m fascinated.
just look. don´t touch.

i still don´t have a friend here.
a complete friend that i can sit and talk and talk and talk to.
i´m waiting.

i have to go do groceries and buy lice shampoo.
my life is so glamourous.... is that how you spell that??

swearing, sex and friendship

so after an emotional breakdown on monday i'm feeling a little better about life.
it's still f-ed up here, but i'm feeling a little more proactive about it.
my roommates are all leaving in 2-3 weeks, new ones will move in.
this will leave me with three roommates. all age 20. two very sheltered mormons from utah.

i am going to have to start stalking the volunteers working and living elsewhere who seem like my kind of people.

i haven't been able to say my usual raunchy expressions and have someone appreciate it for what it is.
i long for a potty mouthed friend.

i could also handle some of the opposite sex.
like yesterday.
the people who are getting laid here seem to have a much rosier outlook in general.

what a concept.

volunteers

i live with 6 other volunteers.
2 are young girls of 19 and 20.
one is a 25 yr old guy, who´s pretty cute, but a slight bit ego centric and is f-ing the 19 year old, which makes him act slightly like a cocky bastard.
one is a french canadian girls who´s 32, she´s a modern dancer and artsy and bluntly honest and passionate and i love her.
unfortunately she´s leaving first.
but the others will be leaving a few days after her.
two others are a couple from holland who seem nice, will be here for 4 weeks, but i don´t know them b-c they just got here.

after that there will be 2 cousins from utah, me, and i think a couple of guys... eventually..... not quite sure.
oh, and the termites that build tubes that hang from my ceiling... totally gross.

there´s a volunteer that works at one of the other locations (a location i´ll be working at once a week eventually) who´s a karate instructor-personal trainer from new york. hot.
but i havent really met him yet.

things to look forward to? who knows.
i´ve gotten over my swedish boy. until he facebook messages me again, of course....

and that´s that.
life is different here.
i feel like i may be getting a tad more serious, or something. or boring. i feel like i´m becoming boring.
that´s okay though.
i think i may just be in shock.

adios for now.

timewasting ramble

so i'm waiting five million hours for my photos to upload.... right now... 7% complete... i think that took about 15 minutes.... this is going to cost me.
ah well.
the ameobas in my intestines seem to have died. i'm actually making solid poo now. sorry if that grosses you out, but it's been my most important accomplishment this week. you'll understand if you ever get ameoba's in your intestines. grossest most unpleasant/painful thing ever.
i'm out of guatemala. yay! i thought guatemala would be my favorite. but there was this f/ed up energy there. i don't know that i can explain. i think it was all the poser hippie types and druggie partiers pretending to be all alternative and cool. really just a hangout for losers who are trying to escape their lives.
sorry if that sounds harsh, but i've become judgemental of many backpackers. it seems to be a travelling party/escape trip for so many. i can't relate. maybe i'm getting old. i dunno. but it pisses me off when i'm seeing so much poverty and corruption and then these slacker packpacking stoners just plop their useless asses down in some beautiful place, work in some bar and pretend to be artists or hippies or something. it's borderline infuriating(sp?).
maybe i've just been travelling alone too long.

change subject....
my swedish travel buddy of 5 days in mexico who has the gf.... wrote this big ass message on my wall..... ended with an xoxo.... um... what!? and now i'm being all excited and girly about it.
what is wrong with me!!! he has a girlfriend!!! but... i think all is not well on that front.
bah.
i think i have a crush on him.... well duh.
and he's totally just using me as his me-and-my-girlfriend-are-having-a-conflict-so-i'm-going-to-distract-myself-with-the-canadian-girl person.
i think i need to get a crush on someone who has a crush back.
but i'll be entering a land of mormons soon.... not going to date a mormon. too many issues there...

tomorrow i go to the volunteer house.
i'll be starting my volunteering in a couple of days. it's already here. and i'm finally ready for it.
i was soooo not ready for it, but after feeling like i was going to die alone in guatemala.... i'm pretty ready.
bring it on.

roller coaster

my moods are insane lately. im hyper emotional. im getting super excited and inspired, then sad and lonely, then pissed off.
round and round i go.
i dont feel like public blogging so often b/c its starting to feel like a chore.
uploading photos takes a million years.
and im not in any of my photos.... well, barely.
im pissed off that im only fluent in english.
some days i feel like i can understand most things and communicate well.
other days, like when my french roommate doesnt want to speak to me in english, but wont speak to me simply in spanish, i feel like a complete moron who deserves to be hung for all the shitty things white people, english people and uni lingual people across the globe have ever done to anyone else.
theres no place to go for a jog in this place, so im starting to feel squishy.
there are occasional familiar faces i run into, but no one like my friends back home.
this computer is a ball sucking hell machine with fucked up punctuation that makes me appear like a delinquent in emails. it also lacks spell check.
im sure that in a couple hours i will be feeling elated and inspired again, but right now im just panicky b/c i dont have a plan.
but i dont want a plan.
im also wondering why i totally blew off my perfectly good onenighter in escondido when i could have probably said "hey, i had a good time, lets meet up in san cristobal and have mad sex in our own hotel room" . ... instead i bolted after the act, and upon running into him the next day simply said "bon voyage" when he said he was leaving that afternoon.
im a freak.
oh well.
i feel a bit better after this blog.
maybe ill write on my travel blog later.
maybe.
i just wish i didnt feel like i had to or people would get annoyed.
disappearing seems like it might be fun.

reality

so... sitting in a hostel is not exactly the best place to write personal blogs, but f it.
i'm not inspired to write on my public blog... where i'm an upstanding citizen, off to help children in honduras... there are times for that.
this is not that time.
not after crashing into backpacker party central.
not after a one night stand with an aussie surfer. ("check")
not after developing a semi weird crush on a swede with a girlfriend.... well, not a crush exactly... more like a pseudo relationship that lasted 5 days without any sex.
strange.
more on that later.

it's like i've had a taste of moving away from home for the first time again.... the novelty of the parties and the boys pretty much have already worn off in less than a week... where as in university it took a little while longer...
but there are similarites.

this backpacking alone thing is a roller coaster.
meeting people... then becoming fast friends... then saying goodbye.
not really bothering to keep in touch, b-c what's the point.

i miss my real friends.
i miss talking shit and telling every little detail without worry of judgement.
i miss you guys.

i think once i'm in honduras i'll at least be able to develop relationships for longer than a day or two...

it's good though.
i think i may be starting to shed some of my protective layers.

5 days

i'm leaving everything in 5 days... or 6? well, close enough.
i was going to sell my second guitar today to a stranger.
we made the meeting.
he offered cash.
i walked out of my apartment, guitar in hand.
the guitar that was my mom's.
the guitar my first boyfriend taught me to play on.
the guitar that is slightly out of tune.
the guitar i never play anymore.

i couldn't do it.
i walked half way to starbucks where we were to meet.
stopped in the street, looked at the guitar, turned around and went home.
cried.

i've sold my furnature, my bike, my cd's, my tv, my dvd player.
i've given away my clothes, my dishes...
i just couldn't bear to part with one more thing.

at least not today.

i'm feeling like a bit of a spaz.
but i wouldn't have forgiven myself for selling that guitar to a stranger.

sometimes things are important.