a checklist

i'm tired, but feeling less blah then i was for my last post.
so i figure now's as good a time as any to write a little blogaroo.

ahem.... 'bloggidy blog blog blog'...

life. things i think about the most:
boys, my future, my career, the orphanage in honduras, friends, my fitness, food, travel, work, family.

normal, yes?

as for boys. the one i wanted didn't want me back. or should i say - was afraid of me/just wasn't that into me. the one i like but dont love is still hangin' around... and managed to steal a kiss from me the other night while i was in flirtatious drunk mode. so that happened..... and now i'm also toying with the idea of trying to meet up with this guy - who i only know b/c he's the younger brother of this guy who i sort of dated/was in a love triangle with in highschool and sorta stomped all over his heart.... who is doing just fine now - married with children and living in a different city.
perfect.
so i'm thinking the younger brother is out of bounds?? got in touch with him b/c we share the same love of theatre (which i discovered through the grapevine). we've done the amiable fb add and 3 msg back and forth.
thinking it's probably best to just leave it at that. yep.
oh - and i ran into his parents at this bbq i went to today. all very weird. all very 'my past drama entering my present - but with a twist'.
good times.

so next thing: future. wtf. i'm just living my life and enjoying the sun and not making too many plans past the fall. is that cool? i've always been a big planner - now i'm kind of 'loose plans, subject to change, day at a time' - which is working for me so far... but it's not like i'm achieving anything. i generally feel like i should be achieving things... maybe not?

friends: i miss my old ones, enjoying my new ones - but still not sure if the new ones will stick... a little worried about the guy who's into me throwing a wrench in my social circle here.... gotta be careful with that one...

kids at the orphanage: i carry around a little bit of guilt on a regular basis that i'm not doing as much as i can to communicate with them and know what's going on and planning my next trip there. i'm being moderately self indulgent. i don't think this makes me a bad person, but i'm definitely not being ideal.

fitness and food: i need to be hot and skinny for my sister's wedding b/c the pics will be in my life FOREVER. also - i just ate a dq blizzard.

work: don't have enough, need money, don't really feel like working though, and am enjoying my temporary unemployment.

travel: going to mexico in 4 weeks. YAY! adventure time. then the t dot. LOVE TORONTO. wish i could also go somewhere in the winter... not so sure that'll happen though b/c i need money.


that's about it.....oh wait - family: valuing family more than ever in my life. wondering how sister being married will effect our relationship. wondering if i'll still be living at home when i'm 40. hoping that's a no.

okay. that's about it.
and the brain goes round and round. boys, money, fitness, boys, food, travel, family, boys... etc etc.... hey.. i think that was sort of in my play! how true to life theatre can be....
wheeee!!

ugh

again. time has passed.
do i have to fill you in on every little detail??
long story short: didn't work out.
i went for it. didn't work out.

i've come back home and i'm just as often someone's daughter as i am myself.
in my old world i was just me.

there are pro's and cons.

i'm in a mood. a "why" mood.

why is it the things i go for, i don't get?
why does someone else get the job and not me?
why why why....

but then i can turn it around and ask:
why am i so lucky?
why did i get to be born in this great country, to this amazing family, to this support system?
why am i the one who gets to pursue my dream while someone else works in a shitty factory type job?
why am i the healthy, strong person with no major problems?

so it goes both ways.
but tonight i'm focussing on what i don't have.
because sometimes you just have to mope.

and i'm in a mood. so i want to mope. and be wistful and starry eyed and vaguely discontented(that one's for you, neenia).

i don't really know what the hell i'm doing here. but it seems to be where i'm supposed to be. so i stay. for now.... here there and everywhere.

i had a hamlet read through the other night. i'm going to be in a play. i can't wrap my mind around it right now. i keep thinking " maybe something better will come along".... but isn't that thought process the source of my losses?

gahh.....
angsty, self indulgent post.

i'm going to write another play. god give me strength.

if you know exactly what you are going to do, what is the point in doing it?? said picasso.

f-ing boys

i'm way too tired to go into every little detail but...
i hate my crush!!!
i hate him for being so difficult and cocky/insecure/smart ass and impossible to read.
i hate me for having a stupid crush on such a frustrating boy.
and he is.
a boy. a guy. a guys guy who has no clue that i'm interested.
the most i get is an elastic band shot at me from over a cubicle.
and i eat it up like a teenage girl who just ran into the jonas brothers at the dairy queen.

fuck i hate him. he's such a dick.

and in the meantime i could go for at least two other guys at the office. but am i interested??? no. of course not!! bah!
but he's tall and lanky and kinda geeky but in a cool way and has nice hands and wears his prescription sunglasses at his desk b/c he broke his regular glasses....
and he makes smartass/borderline insulting comments about me being the partner's daughter that make me want to punch him/have hot hate-sex with him.

this is torture.
thank god tax season is over in a week.

crush

okay. so it's been nearly a month since my last blog. not cool, i know.
but i'm working 9-5 like dolly parton, and i'm writing in my journal again....and i've been drunk the past 4 weekends. maybe more.

so now that my excuses are over...

i have a crush on a boy at my office/ my dad's office.
at first i thought he was really young, not b/c he looks young, but b/c he's a student - so i wasn't allowing myself to actually have the crush - seeing as my crushes on younger boys were becoming a habit.

however, i was wrong. just found out he is a mere 1 year younger than me. so basically my age. i've been denying myself a propper crush for a month b/c of misinformation. horray! i'm not turning into a coug!

i even started to consider the awkward british guy at the office who reeeaaaally likes me b/c i thought there were no better options. (and when i say awkward, not in a hot hugh grant way - more in an 'i-can't-imagine-having-sex-with-you-unless-i-was-so-drunk-and-needy-and-then-waking-up-in-the-morning-and-being-all-oh-shit-oh-fuck-oh-shit' kind of way).

in all fairness to the brit, the attention was kinda fun - but now i'm quite sure i would never date him ever so i just have potential awkward advances to avoid. but scarily, he was up for consideration...

but back to the subject at hand.
a boy my age who is cute and likely single actually exists. i thought they had all been shot. even if absolutely nothing comes of this b/c i'm his boss' daughter and he's therefore afraid of me(minor issue) - it provides hope.

it's like highschool all over. i have my flirt strategies set out for the week. we're both going to be at the neil young concert this week. unfortunately i'll be going with my dad... not exactly ideal... seeing as this will probably feed his fear of me... but it's fodder for conversation... right?
i don't even know how to do this.
i can't remember the last time i've gone after a guy. i've always just gone for the guys that go for me first.
how lame is that? i'm such a lame-o.
could explain why all my relationships are doomed to fail.
or it could just be my issues with committment.

ahhh...
what a fluffy non-substantial blog.
i guess this is what happens when you move back to a small city and get a real job.
i promise it's only temporary!!!

but while i'm temporarily retarded - i'll try to keep the blogs up to date.

waiting for doug

i'm sitting around, house to myself for the weekend... actually having a weekend in the traditional sense...

i feel like i should be doing something productive just because. however, i am currently waiting for the microwave guy to finish installing the microwave. dave from sears. or is it doug from sears... i'm bad with names. i'm also hungry. doug - let's call him doug - called at 930am to say he'd arrive 'late morning' which, in installer-guy terms, i take to mean noon. so i started making my amazing brunch at about 1020, when 'dingdong!' doug's here! 45 minutes he says. i've left the sauteed omelette ingredients on the counter. bread teetering in the toaster. i'm hungry dammit!

it's absolutely beautiful outside. but i must eat before exiting the house. so now i'm diddling around on line. i can smell my half made brunch. mild torture.
i could make use of myself and work on my grant application... but that would just be too perfect of me. besides, i don't even know if i'm eligible for this specific grant. i'm waiting, and have been waiting for one and a half weeks, for nancy from the canada council to get back to me re: my resume. i think i may have the wrong email address.
it remains to be seen.

my plans for the weekend are as follows:
-go for a jog
-go for a swim
-write
-wax legs
-paint nails
-rent a movie
-drink some wine
-buy new shoes and maybe tops for new job (gotta keep those office boys interested)
-think about sort of making progress on grant application
-be outside sometimes
not particularily in that order. so far i've done some writing, drank some wine (last night), and sent a second email regarding my grant eligiblity. not bad. not great.

i wish doug would speed things up... it's now been an hour at the least.
don't lie doug... it's not nice. 45 mins and an hour and 15 are two very different things. now doug is on his cell... hmm work related? who knows. ooh... sounds like he's nearly done. maybe.
i want to eat!

well... yet another random blog for self entertainment. i should do this more often.
okay. let's wrap this up, doug. time to go. the microwave seems to be installed.
why install a microwave anyway? it's always been a counter appliance to me. just plop the thing on the counter. but i guess when you live in a nice house and have nice things you can afford to suspend your microwave over top of the stove.

what a ridiculously cushy little world i'm living in at present.
it'll be nice to get back to reality eventually - where microwaves don't always exist.

the real world?

i finished my first week of the temp job.
i'm relieved to be busy.
i'm happy to be around people.
it's fun to dress pretty.
a 'real' job.

feels kind of like being back in high school or university.
more high school, actually.
the structure. the familiar faces. the boys and the girls. the superiors and inferiors.
mutual checking out. idle chit chat. mini crushes. strategic flirting.
a predictable landscape where you can fantasize about the unpredictable.

i get why people, most people, choose this life.
it's so simple.
just show up.
i'm sure, at least i hope i'm sure, that i'll get bored of it all.
i'm counting on it.
but for now i'm enjoying this part i'm playing.

lazy lazy bored bored

i've let a month go by with no blogging. bad me. not as bad as the rest of you (skinny excepted)... but bad. (insert finger wagging here)

it's just those february blahs. topped with living back with my parents in my home town where i have barely any social life. topped with the fact that i have not been involved in any sort of theatre or performance activity in sooooo long. i'm an actor. really? prove it.

i know that this step is just as important as all the other steps. the rest time. the 'save hypothetical money' time. the down time.

i'm bored with down time. i'm bored with this town. i'm bored with myself.

but next week i start a temp office job. i'll be playing the part of 'receptionist'. if i describe it like some sort of live experimental theatre series i feel much better about it. the costumes are great. haven't met the supporting cast yet. hoping there might be a romance that gets gradually revealed through season one. hoping the series gets cancelled after one season.
i'd hate to get type cast.

listen to me. i'm imbalanced. i live in a weird little world inside my head where it's actually all a movie or a stage play. i actually rearrange the events of my day in my head as they're happening to create a more succinct, audience friendly format. i think being around 'normal' people in a 'normal' world is revealing my inner strangeness. i think i hide it pretty well though.

oh god get me out of here. the plan is to move to vancouver... after a summer in toronto... but is that where i belong? i feel like hercules... singing that "find where i belong" song. except i'm not in as good of shape... i am going to the pool tomorrow... swimming laps is a start.... but seriously - one needs a personal trainer and nutritionist to get disney-hot.
i've lost track of my thought. maybe it's time for bed.

ugh. to sleep perchance to dream... perchance to wake up and actually be stimulated by life for a full day or more....

it's like i used up my big bag of interesting already. it's all or nothing, isn't it.

well. rambley ramble-pants. i thought i had a point. i need to see a shrink. that's my point. but for now i will just vent in blog format. lucky readers.
who reads this anyway? aside from my fellow bloggees... i sometimes wonder if ex boyfriends or ex boyfriends girlfriends or old colleagues, or random people i once knew somehow know this is me and are privy to all my inner thoughts. i would assume they'd get bored and eventually stop reading... i count on that so i don't have to over censor myself. not that i would... or care... really.
just curious..... show yourselves!!! .... hmm. step away from the computer.

see.
see what this place is doing to me!? if i was tom hanks in castaway i'd be in much worse shape than befriending a soccer ball. i'd have married the soccer ball and had soccer ball children and then started a touring family theatre company for the coconut trees.

i keep feeling it's time to wrap this blog up. wrap it up. that's a wrap.

just one more thing... actually i have no other thing.... i just feel as though i haven't propperly concluded. maybe a quote.... (thinking....)....
nope. nothing. sorry.
the end.

t dot

tomorrow might as well be christmas because I'M GOING TO TORONTO!!! WOOHOOO!
sooooo needing this right now. i can't even wait. i doubt i'll sleep. gah. i need to be teleported.
slight sad part is that i'm only going for a week.
i had a panic moment today thinking "why am i here? why am i not living in Toronto?? who decided this again!!??"
but then i remembered all the reasons.
i just really wish i was rich and could fly back and forth whenever i gd felt like it.

one day.
that's what i'm working on.
here.
in k-town.
with one friend.
sort of.

i can't wait i can't wait i can't wait i can't wait!!!!

facebook

why is it so addicting and satisfying and unsatisfying?
this wierd replacement for an actual life. which is so much more addictive when you barely have a life...
i'm feeling all unpopular b/c no one commented on my stupid f-ing 25 things. everyone else got comments.
were my 25 things boring? irrelevant?
why does no one love me!!! AAAAAAhhhhhhh!!!
see! see what gd fb does to me!!??
and why do i need to be notified when other people comment on other people's 25 things??? just rubbing it in my face is what.
balls to the wall.

ooh - but to make up for it, today i had two previous crushes randomly write on my wall.
not important that one is married with three children and the other is 22 and inlove with someone else. and both live far far away. and i'm not actually interested in either other than in a purely facebook sense.... details.
also... other 'friend' (who, i think, also has a gf) offered for me to 'crash' at his place while in the t dot. what kind of offer is this??
as you can tell by my random obsessing - i have WAY too much time on my hands.

thank god i'm having a little toronto adventure in 4 days. sanity may be restored.

writers block?

i'm writing. well, more like copying.
i'm going through all my journals from my year and typing up the good/interesting parts in hopes that i'll be inspired to create some amazing story.
the thing is - it's kind of an amazing story just the way it is.
well, maybe not amazing - but interesting.
so what the hell am i going to do with it?

the plan is to apply for a grant. but i have to tell them what i'm doing to get the grant. what am i doing?
i used to be able to fully visualize my end product... it would always change - but at least it was there.
i'm waiting for my 'aha!' moment.
as i get older these projects drag out longer and longer.
maybe it's b/c my life becomes more layered.
i don't know what i'm trying to say.

i wish i could just publish an edited version of my journals. and they would be super relevant and people would feel like they'd been somewhere after reading.

i think i think too much.
i think i can't wait til i get to toronto.
i think i'm not going to be able to ride on the interestingness of my past year for much longer...
i think i hate that valentines day is in a week and a half.
i think i probably could have done with just the one cup of coffee.
i think i want attention.

maybe i should put on some music and dance over-enthusiastically in my living room and it will all be better.

not so bad

so things are looking up.
i spent the weekend alone up at my parents cottage. very nice.
i think i have a plan!

i'm going to give this town a chance. living at home means i am free to leave without worry.
i can visit toronto - which i will once or twice this year.
i can work in different cities for bits of time... like for theatre (eg. fringe and summerstock)
i have time to write.
and it looks like i'll have dayjob work - horray money!

also - i'm going to apply for a writing grant... fingers crossed! and look into a vancouver agent (see if they'll rep me long distance)

the biggest ingredient i need is patience. which i'm getting better at.
i still need some friends (local friends), which will hopefully come with time. sex life would also be nice before i get old and my assets are hanging on the ground.... sex in kelowna? does this happen? to be determined....

anyhoo... i can't complain about the living situation, the cottage access and vehicle access (i feel spiritually at one with the vw camper van... it's such a hippy dippy independence vehicle).
plus, if the vw van holds out - i may be road tripping to mexico this summer for my sister's wedding... oh yeah.

whatever

ug.
i feel like i should blog now or i'll never blog again.
my motivation switch is broken.
i do stuff. stuff i should do. but more b/c i know it's the thing to do.
like call re: jobs. look up theatre companies on line. go to pilates.

i feel like i'm hiding out in my hometown. and it's like the last 10 years of my life didn't happen. there's no evidence of it anywhere.
that freaks me out.
what was i working so hard for again?? what do i have to show for it?

and how did i turn 28? when did that happen?
i find myself checking out boys that are way too young for me... it's as if i think i'm still their age - and guys my age.... well, there are no straight single guys my age. there aren't even guys my age in general. i think someone had them all killed when i turned 23.

i have these goals. that i could write down on paper. but if i do that then i'll have to do something about them. and that gives me anxiety. so i dont.
one day at a time.

i feel like a foreiner in my own country. i just don't understand what everyone gets so worked up about. i don't get why the things that are important to people here are important.
maybe i'll phase out of it.
maybe it's just reverse culture shock.
or maybe i'm just using that as an excuse to be wishy washy.

that's so not like me.
balls to the wall.

i just have to wait til january passes.... then i might impress myself...

i'm a b.c. girl

i'm back.
i'm living with mom and dad.
for at least 6 months.
um. what?
yes. that's right.
i'm a winner.
first prize.

living the life of luxury with the parents.
good times, noodle salad.

so far so good.
it's been 2 days.

oh, and i have my cat back.
the fattest fatty cat. he's had an exciting social life while i've been away... and has been ridiculously spoiled.
i figure he has the right idea. i'm joining him.
although, both of us need to go on a diet.

i'm dreading all the people i'll have to tell the same schpeal to re: my trip away and what i'm doing with my life now.
i think i should just have a newsletter. i always feel like i'm explaining myself to people.
it's exhausting.
also - watching all the world vision commercials on my parents big screen t.v.
as alanis would say... isn't it ironic?

i miss my toronto friends. i'll visit. and you should all come visit me and stay with my parents and we can drink good wine and participate in mountain snow sports. or just drink good wine. but the mountain snow sports include ogling cute australian boys up at the ski hill.
take your pick.

i predict a mental break down in just under a month.
3-2-1 take off!

blather

i´m in tourist town with 24 hours to go b4 coming back to canada. i think there might be a little sun. i think i´ll go to the beach. i think i hate tourists and people who spend all their money on designer clothes, resorts, weird souvenirs and snorkelling tours.
i think i don´t know how to function in society.
i hate the idea of christmas shopping.
but i have to christmas shop or else i´m an asshole.
so i´ll buy stuff that other people don´t really need.
and spend too much $ on it because i´m in tourist town.

i thought my experiences away would kill my superficial desires and insecurities. they haven´t. but now i just feel more guilty for having them.
i´ll get over it.
i hope.

what i´m really thinking

dudes! i haven´t blogged in way too long. on my real blog, that is.

i´m just spent. time is not exactly so much available these days.
but... only 10 days left here, then 16 days of travel to cancun, then back to mom and dad´s place.
for an indefinite time period.
still thinking maybe living at home would be smart, financially speaking, if the agency can´t take me back.
i´ll hold off on making a decision there.
although, moving back home at age 28 may make me want to slit my eyeballs open just a little. so maybe it´ll be toronto and debt afterall.

side note: re: rugby player who posted me all over facebook. he still lets me know about the other girls he´s interested in so wtf. seriously. just fall madly in love with me already so i can decide i was actually only into you b-c you weren´t into me and i can reject you.
god.
don´t boys know anything??

in the meantime, i let my standards slide and hooked up with a short stalky british guy who was breaking up with his gf. but he had a good sense of humour (can´t believe i just said that). and left the country 2 days later. thankfully. a definite not-so-attractive-fling requirement.

oh to be back in canada. i just can´t wait to get back and be socially isolated for preaching against materialism and capitalism and make people feel shitty for doing their christmas shopping at walmart. whoo hoo! happy holidays!

not so bad

my faith has been partially restored after a visit from the board of directors.
basically they all think the 'director' is a huge problem.
so hopefully things might change for these kids.
in the meantime.... i inquired about adoption.
it's just a thought.
and it would take 3-4 years possibly.
i just feel so bad for these kids.

on a different note - i booked a flight home to kelowna for mid december. so i'll leave the orphanage at the end of november.
one month left.
heading home to a shitty economy. yeehaa!! hopefully i'll still have a job.

ps. i held a monkey. it loved me. i loved it. we loved. it was goodtimes.

some observations

1. i have lice. again.
2. i live in an orphanage.
3. i realized the other day that i´ve had sex a total of 5 times in the year 2008. five.
4. i have no money. i´m in debt for an organization i don´t believe in.
5. i´m going to go buy a frosty to make it all better for about 10 minutes.

feeling a little more sane?

i think i´m going to come back to toronto in the new year.
i finally have a plan a.
plan a is good. much better than 50 plan b´s
i´m not going to adopt a 3 yr old.
i have no money and i still have my things i want to do...
but i know it´s something i may want to do some day... so i feel like i have a reason to try to make-save money and maybe be slightly more of a responsible adult.
only slightly.
i´m having a crazy adventure in nicaragua. i´ve prolonged my vacation another week. i´m avoiding the orphanage.
i still dont want to go back. i do and i dont.
i wish i could just come and go as i pleased... instead of being jailed there.
i will survive.
just like the song.
i´m singing it right now in my head.
and you are too.
haha.

one great thing about central america is the romantic tunes cd´s from the 70´s and 80´s that are always playing in restaurants and busses.
good times.
one can always count on ´total eclipse of the heart´or ´take my breath away´to put a smile on one´s face.

blahdee dah.

i´m getting ready to get my life back. i miss it. two more months to go...

the inevitable

i´ve changed.
that´s certain.
how could i not after this past 4 months.

the question is, how much?
i think i´ll discover that when i get home.
i´m a bit freaked out by this idea.

i´m still the same person - but maybe i´ve just shed some layers.
i prefer to think of it that way.

insane thought

i´m thinking about adopting a 3 yr old.
i haven´t told anyone but stranger traveler people i´ve met on the road.
but.
it´s not actually allowed.
can´t take kids out of honduras.
however,
i´m still going to do some inquiring.

this probably won´t happen.
but i´m thinking about it.
i´m projecting into the possible future in my head.

how weird is that.
who am i??